Womanizer Husband

[annemarie]

Several years ago, my husband cheated on me. I found out and outed the relationship. I was to blame for ruining this OW's life and hurting her husband's feelings. I filed for divorce and the judge felt that we weren't ready for that as she felt that there was still love between us. It's been hard becasue I have emotionally cheated on my husband when I found out his affairs & lies. Fast forward, both marriages survived. I've met the OW on several occasions at conference gatherings & was even cordial towards her. I even apologized to her for outing her out & hoped she was doing well. I've caught my husband on facebook websites flirting with other women & told him I didn't need his passwords because it just infuriated me with his behavior. The other day on a whim, I checked his "professional website linkedin" and saw that he emailed the OW to join his professional group. I cannot even believe that he would do this and feel that the rug was pulled right out from underneath me. I haven't spoken to him all week and I find it repulsive to even have him kiss me. We're supposed to go his conference in 3 weeks and yes the OW will be there. She hasn't accepted his "invitation to join his network" yet, but it just makes me feel that contact has never been broken.

 

The question: How do I tell my husband who so badly wants me to TRUST him, that I checked his professional website and saw his message without wanting to punch his face.

 

I feel like the biggest loser. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? do you think this is his way of playing mind games with me to see whether I trust him?

 

I would rather just kill myself before filing for divorce again & putting my children through this turmoil.

 

Thanks for letting me vent and using your time & thoughts

 

Annie

[PrettyinInk]

you should not have been made to feel bad about outing the other woman to her husband, you did not ruin their relationships, she ruined their relationship by having an affair, the same way your husband ruined your relationship by having an affair. sounds like he was just trying to deflect a little bit of blame onto you.

also, you have every reason to be putoff by the fact that your husband is attempting contact with an old affair partner, there can never be a friendship between the two, ever, it should be off limits.

instead of just being standoffish toward him, tell him why you are angry, because your anger is justified. maybe you can teach him something by being open and honest about your feelings.

[Tea]

LinkedIn has an option where you import your address book and it sends out an invite to either everybody currently on LinkedIn or invites them to join. Further, if you had previously imported and somebody subsequently joins, it tells you "hey, you might know this (these) person (people)...send invite?"

 

Perhaps, giving him the benefit of the doubt, this happened? I know I get invites all the time from people that would NEVER intentionally invite me (i.e. I'm an atty and ppl that represent themselves will invite me on their network).

[annemarie]

It is my belief that he requested her to join his network, of all the contacts he has on his email account, only her email would show up under the SENT messages? It was very humbling to see that message as I thought we were finally on the mend. I have tried so hard to put the affair on the back of my mind and go on with life as if nothing happened while I'm still waiting for him to own up to his actions. Although at this stage of life and the amount of debt that we have incurred, divorce is not an option in these economic times, so my other option is looking forward to death. I really look forward to the day when he truly apologizes for his actions instead of being forced to apoligize because he was caught. Seeing him trying to reach out yet again has brought back all this pain to the forefront. His conference is coming up & I can't bring myself to attend with him, thinking that they will cheat once again and laugh behind my back. Why is love so painful?

[Rosie428]

I agree with Pretty, you should not have apologized to her nor been made to feel bad about ratting her out...she deserved it and put herself in that position by cheating on her husband.

 

It's too bad you cheated because that didn't help your marriage and two wrongs don't make a right. He should not be reaching out to her in ANY WAY and I would tell him that. You have a right to be checking on him, but you both need to be completely transparent with each othe to build trust on both sides, and hopefully seek therapy if this marriage is to survive. Hopefully you have insurance to cover it as it sounds like you cannot afford it if you don't.