Physically Intimate vs Emotionally Intimate...which is worse?

[MizFit]

I've just been reading an old threat (Sept 09) about a gent who was about 7 months into reconciling with his BS. He made a comment that made me think.

 

He said he was willing to tell his BS anything, but there were some things she would never know because they weren't major or they simply were tucked away in his mind. His point was that there are triggers that bring up these conversations or minor events...things that don't come to mind when confessing all to the BS. It's normal...we all have triggers regarding times that may have not had a huge significance at the moment. We have them with friends, SOs, and family members. So the BS will never hear it all...

 

I understand exactly what he was saying, but it brought up a bit of a discussion about how much of the day to day stuff is discussed between APs...I want to take that a step further. I was a BS in my mid 20s and didn't entertain the thoughts of reconciling...because of that I have no idea what they did or did not discuss concerning the moments of our days together. As an OW, MM and I discussed everything...holidays, family functions, doctor appointments, financial situations, past personal traumas, kids schedules, and probably the thing that would bother me most as a BS-being on the phone while she would call his mobile and hearing his side of their conversation. All of the mundane and personal things in my life were shared, and he shared exactly the same with me.

 

What hurts most? Knowing that the OW/OM knows about the family plans to have a takeaway and sit and watch a movie and that your WS told them you cried during the movie...or the physical intimacy?

 

I have to say if I'd stuck around to try and work things out (which I have zero regrets for not doing) I think his allowing our private moments to be shared would have hurt as much, if not more, than the physical side. I think an A is equated to a physical relationship, but you somehow gloss over the emotional side that goes along with it. I have to say that until I read that thread I hadn't 'realized' how much he shared about his day to day life.

 

So...BS...to you I ask which is the hardest to deal with? To the OW/OM I ask if this level of detail is regularly shared or were we the exception?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I see them as two facets of equally horrible things.

 

As OW, it depended on how emotional/friendly I wanted things to be. There were a few of them where I knew as much, if not more of the 'everyday' stuff as the guy's SO did.

[Just a stone's throw]

ExMM and I didn't talk much about our spouses. I learned a good deal about his kids and what they were doing, he felt more comfortable talking about them. We didn't discuss much of our relationship with our spouses. We were in a FWB situation and maybe that was why. Neither of us were trying to replace our spouses with the other. Not saying that he didn't discuss with me that she had lost her job or that I discussed with him a little about our sex counseling sessions but it was in general terms only.

 

I think different kinds of A's probably handle it differently. We saw that type of conversation as unnecessary.

 

JAST

[skylarblue]

MM tells me ALOT of specifics about his personal life that involves his W and family. I know the normal everyday routine – what time everyone wakes, when she drops and picks up kids from school, lunch and dinner time, kids’ and her usual bed time. I know the from day-to day-specifics – where she/they go, with whom, what she did, what the kids did, and for how long (MM gives me family’s itinerary the night before and then gives me updated accounts throughout the day). I know if there’s an event, appointment, or emergency and what’s happening/happened for holidays, birthdays, vakays, etc. He tells me about their arguments, conversations, and sex life. He talks on the phone (I can sometimes hear her too) in front of me and have heard them talk about everything from the kids being sick to why he wasn’t home yet. He’s even had me drive by his house to see if his W was home (I was very caught off guard by this).

 

As the OW, I don’t find it odd that I know so much in detail about MM’s home/M life. We’ve been together for a long time; it’s only natural, I think, that I would learn these things over the years. I mean, he didn’t just tell me everything overnight. It was very,very gradually and I take it as him showing me his level of comfort and trust with me, and I am touched that he feels so at ease to talk about and share these things with me. I don’t think it equates to the same level of betrayal as the act of cheating (although knowing my H sent his OW to check up on me would be right up there). But I can definitely see how a BS would feel betrayed from it or it adding to the level of betrayal of the physical intimacy.

[lilagirl]

So...BS...to you I ask which is the hardest to deal with? To the OW/OM I ask if this level of detail is regularly shared or were we the exception?

 

My MM knew everything about me an my stbxH, and i know everything about him and his W. I know every milestone that the children have, I stick up for W when they are in a fight, I give him suggestions on where to take her on a date, I know everything they discussed on the date, I know the schedules of everyone in the family, i know her medical history, exercise sucesses, struggles at work, I buy presents for her, with him, I buy cards for her from him and the kids, i know her mentral cycle, and how it affects her, i know every hug, kiss, peck

 

so yes, this detail is shared... I never thought about this side of the betrayal before... I guess because I knew all this before the A started too...

[You Go Girl]

Maybe it doesn't matter which is worse. Maybe what does matter is that a marriage is now a farce, that someone is carrying around the awful knowledge that they lie everytime they look in their spouse's eyes or wake up in the morning.

A marriage is being poisoned a slow death...that's really all that matters, and it's sad, simply put.

[SavannahSmiles]

Physically intimate is worse. It sort of "seals the deal." At least that's what most betrayed married friends have told me.

[MizFit]

Physically intimate is worse. It sort of "seals the deal." At least that's what most betrayed married friends have told me.

 

The physical act was evidently enough for me as a BS...it's odd because now I wonder how much he told his OW at the time. She and I worked together as well so I'm sure there was a fair bit shared. I'm beyond any 'hurt' from the awakening to this part of betrayal by him, but that thread did make me think.

 

My MM always shared that level of detail with me as well lilagirl...in all fairness I enjoy hearing about it made me feel closer as well, but if I were his W I'd flog him for it.

 

I never understood how an EA could be as debilitating to a BS as a PA until all of this started tossing about in my mind, but now I see it.

 

Thanks for your responses everyone.

[Ann_Igma]

I think it completely depends on the specific BS which is the most hurtful, as we're all different.

 

For me, I find the emotional intimacy a *lot* harder to deal with than the physical intimacy.

 

 

• The OW had known me for years and was all of a sudden privvy to information about me which I wouldn't have knowingly shared with her AND which was also in many cases incredibly skewed and/or untrue. (My H's way of making himself look and/or feel better about what he was doing?)
  

 

• When my H and I first got together, he used to say so many incredibly sweet and romantic things to me, and whilst he never fully stopped, it certainly toned down over the years as we got more entrenched in responsibilities and had less time. To know he said similar things to her not only made me feel incredibly jealous and wistful for when I was the recipient of those words, but it also partially invalidated what he had said to me. My logic when I found out being 'surely if he's saying these things to her, he can no longer mean what he'd said to me'.
  

 

• My view on sex is a bit liberal - I've had close friends who worked as exotic dancers, webcam girls, etc, and had friends in happy open marriages who used to go through partners rather often. So I think it does make me a bit more able to understand and forgive 'just sex'. That's not to say that I wouldn't have been incredbily angry and felt betrayed with him, since this is NOT something that was agreed to be allowed in our marriage. Being emotionally intimate with someone else though - totally different ballgame in my mind.
  

As I've said though, I think that it is completely subjective to the individual as to which they will find worse - or if, in fact, they see both situations as equal.

[shadowofman]

IMO, an emotional affair is way more threatening. I am very emotionally possessive. A physical affair is just hot. I fantasize about my SO having a physical affair all the time. Unfortunately, with most women, there is no such thing as a physical affair minus emotional attachment.

[OWoman]

To the OW/OM I ask if this level of detail is regularly shared or were we the exception?

 

We were very close emotionally, and of course he shared the details of his life with me. He didn't say much, if anything, about his BW - though some of his responses to me and things I said / did, spoke volumes about what she must have been like!

 

Unless it's ONS, or FWB, I think it's pretty typical for MM to want to share EVERYTHING with their OWs - after all, these are their soulmates, their salvation from their awful Ms, and all the other lines so many OWs seem to have heard from their MMs.

[aerogurl87]

Well I'm not married but when my ex boyfriend cheated on me multiple times physically, it hurt, but it never hurt anywhere as bad as when I found out he cheated on me emotionally with the woman he left me for. That felt like having a knife pushed through my chest. The physical cheating that was just FWB or ONS I could get over because he didn't care about them, but cheating on me emotionally left me a wreck.

[on1wheel]

I am a BS, my W had a EA that I knew nothing about for about 4 mths. But as soon as she had decided to make it a PA I picked up on it right away.

So for me the PA is not only worse for the fact that the intimacy she gave him was only supposed to be for her H, but also because it obviously meant more to her than the EA as well.

I am tortured by the visuals of the physical aspects, not so much that she confided in him. To me that's not much different than if she had a close guy friend. The physical is where the line was supposed to be drawn in the sand.

[Citizen Erased]

For me they would be about equal. Physical, I'd never be able to get past...the imagery would keep hitting me, no way I'd be able to overlook it. Emotional, having the guy I love now feeling that way about someone else...would break my heart. Either way I'd be devastated and either way I'd never be able to trust them again, with other people or with my heart.