Beautiful relationship wrecked by EA

[broken12]

I met the love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend and my lover 4.5 years ago. We were inseparable. I was 40 and it was totally what I have been waiting for all these years. I trusted him 110%. I never dreamed I could trust someone so totally. Last year he asked me to marry him. The icing on a perfect cake.

 

1 month ago I found out he had been having an EA (1200 sent txts in 15 days).

 

I am beyond devastation. My life ahead that had looked oh so rosy for the next 40 years now just looks bleak.

 

I threw him out and he stopped all contact. He said he can't explain how or why it happened - he says the perfect love that I gave him was 100% reciprocated. He says he knows what we had was once in a lifetime and that he is desperately sorry and I have agreed to give it another try.

 

But how do we do that? I don't feel the same about him. I don't know how to move on. I cry all the time. He doesn't know how to even start to regain some of what we had before. PLEASE help us. What should he do? What should I do? He keeps telling me how much he loves me but I just can't say it anymore. It's killing him, it's killing me. It all looks so black at the moment. How could this happen to something so perfect?

[broken12]

Sorry, just read it through......he stopped all contact with OW

[2sure]

I married my H at age 40 4.5 years ago. We both felt we were brought together by a gift from god, fate, etc. It was he who pushed for marriage.

Unknown to me at the time , he was involved with inappropriate relationships from the get go.

 

We had several d-Days over 4 years. The cheating continued.

We are now divorcing.

 

A 40 yo man who needs this kind of extra attention during what is usually the best part of a relationship....has issues that have nothing to do with you and that you cannot solve.

 

I'm sorry.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Affairs happen for a reason, both emtional and physical. In my opinion, understanding the motive behind why your H had the EA is the key to determining how you should proceed (I say you, and not both of you, because the "ball" really is in your court).

 

You describe your M as one that is probably worth trying to save; but minimally, as you two are married, you owe it to each other to take an honest look at why this took place.

 

Again, A's happen for a reason. If your H chose to have an EA as a symptom of some underlying issue in your M that (i) can be identified; and (ii) can be solved in such a way where the cause (and related symptoms) are remedied, then there's hope.

 

You mentioned he cut all contact with the OW. I'm not sure how you could confirm that 100% no contact (NC) is actually taking place; but assuming that you believe that it is, I would suggest that you consider the best venue to use to get to some honest answers.

 

Perhaps that venue is in the office of a good MC. I would suggest that you make some calls and find a counselor that can help see what was missing in the M that made him stray, if anything.

 

In my opinion, the vows you took to each other imply trying to get to the bottom of this, and fixing what's fixable, together. If, hypothedically, some compulsive infatuation that's incurable is discovered, even then you'd be better equipped to make an informed decesion.

 

Do you have any idea why he may have done this?

[califnan]

They say forgiveness comes with repentance on the other's part.. With all of your hurt and lack of trust - I don't know how you can do it either .. My only thought is a separation until the two of you can sort things out and realize the 100 percent (unconditional) need for one another again ..

[silktricks]

I met the love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend and my lover 4.5 years ago. We were inseparable. I was 40 and it was totally what I have been waiting for all these years. I trusted him 110%. I never dreamed I could trust someone so totally. Last year he asked me to marry him. The icing on a perfect cake.

 

1 month ago I found out he had been having an EA (1200 sent txts in 15 days).

 

I am beyond devastation. My life ahead that had looked oh so rosy for the next 40 years now just looks bleak.

 

I threw him out and he stopped all contact. He said he can't explain how or why it happened - he says the perfect love that I gave him was 100% reciprocated. He says he knows what we had was once in a lifetime and that he is desperately sorry and I have agreed to give it another try.

 

But how do we do that? I don't feel the same about him. I don't know how to move on. I cry all the time. He doesn't know how to even start to regain some of what we had before. PLEASE help us. What should he do? What should I do? He keeps telling me how much he loves me but I just can't say it anymore. It's killing him, it's killing me. It all looks so black at the moment. How could this happen to something so perfect?

 

soooo.... I've got some questions for you.

 

1. This has been asked before, but are you married or not?

 

2. How long was the EA? Was it only 15 days? I'm not denigrating your pain regardless of how long (or short) it was, pain is pain, I'm just trying to get a handle on the situation. And how it you find out about the EA? Did he tell you or did you discover it?

 

3. How do you know he stopped all contact? Do you know this from verifiable sources, or just because he said he did?

 

4. He doesn't know what happened. Has he initiated individual counseling to try to understand what was going on with him? Has he DONE ANYTHING other than say he's sorry and doesn't understand? Actions are really important.

 

5. When you say you don't feel the same about him... to what extent? Is it that you've lost trust (understandable)? or is it that you do not feel inside of you any love for him any longer? If the latter - then there may not be anything to be done. It could be that rather than being in love with HIM, you were rather in love with your idea of perfect love - which you no longer can imagine that you have.... (please don't take offense, I know that's cold, but it's also a possibility that cannot be ignored.)

 

6. What can he do? He can SHOW you that he's sorry and that it won't happen again. He can prove that he's no longer in contact by being a completely open book. Providing email and phone passwords, etc. He can get himself into counseling so that he can figure out what the (*&^%$ he was thinking... instead of just saying "I don't know why I would do such a thing..." he can figure out why he would do such a thing.

 

7. What can you do? Well, that's the thing. You can say good-bye and send him on his merry way. That is (of course) always an option - but it sounds like that isn't exactly what you want. If what you are really asking is "how can I get past this?" there is no easy answer. It takes work and time. The amount (and length) of deception does matter, as a short period will probably not have as many trigger points for you. You need to talk to him - honestly - about the pain you are in. You cannot shield him (or you) from your feelings. There are some books about recovering from infidelity that I know other people have sworn are really excellent - though to be honest I've never read them. Many people say you can't get by it if you obsess - for myself, what I did was force myself to obsess until my brain simply rebelled and wouldn't go there anymore. It worked for me, but I cannot honestly recommend it as it's a pretty painful method.

 

Anyway, good luck with you. You can get past this if both of you are truly willing to put in the work, but it's not easy. The bad part is that you no longer have "the perfect relationship", but the good part is that you and he can take this opportunity to have a better, deeper, more honest relationship than either of you ever had before or ever even expected. When dealing with the worst situations the innermost core is exposed. Growth from that level out can bring an intimacy to a relationship that is truly beautiful.

[whichwayisup]

Are you 100% sure it was 'just' an EA? Did he ever meet the OW face to face?

 

Is he willing to go to counselling? Give you ALL his passwords to his email account(s)? Would he be uncomfortable or try to prevent you from contacting the OW to find out her side of this? IF he is being honest with you, that it was just an EA, then he should have no problem with this.

 

You didn't do anything wrong. He's broken inside, something is/was missing inside of him to choose to go and get attention from another woman. Don't blame yourself! Ever.

[broken12]

Silktricks,

 

1. We're not married. We were planning on getting married next year. Yes, it's a long engagement. He has admited he has been dragging his heels about getting married because he has been having so many thoughts about this other woman and it was making him doubt his love for me.

 

2. The EA lasted 5 weeks (although we were away on holiday for one of those weeks when he had no contact with her). I found out because he had been behaving so strangely for those 5 weeks and I checked the phone bill.

 

3. OK I don't know 100% that he has stopped all contact (he has told so many lies) but I believe he has realised how much he has to lose and how it would 100% be totally over if he continued to see her. My gut instinct is that he has stopped contact.

 

4. We went to a relationship counsellor yesterday to try to work out how this had happened. Basically she (the counsellor) told my partner that he had behaved like a teenager when he was in a relationship that most people can only dream of. In terms of what he's doing, he's doing everything around the house (I just can't function and I've 3 children from my previous marriage that he has been dad to for the past 4 years), yes, he tells me he's sorry and loves me. I feel like he wants to DO everything possible, but doesn't really know where to start. I've also had cards, flowers, presents and 52 postacrds with all the reasons that he loves me.

 

5. When I say I don't feel the same about him, trusting him was a HUGE part of the love that I had for him (my previous husband had affairs and trusting someone was a big issue for me). Consequently, with the trust gone (at this point anyway) I don't feel like I can say I love him. I loved him because he was a beautiful person inside and what he did was so so ugly. But yes, I have felt like I was in love with someone who didn't exist.

 

6. He is trying to be as open as possible. He has let me change his facebook password, not that FB was ever used in this instance, but just so that I don't worry about that. He takes pictures of himself whenever he's out on the road and texts them to me so I know he is where he says he is. He hands me his phone as soon as he comes in so I can see who's called (although to be quite honest, it's a bit pointless because anything incriminating would obviously have been deleted). He's also changed networks on his phone to one where the text detail can be retrieved if need be.

 

7. We are talking loads. Yes I want to know ALL the details I can't bear to think that there are any secrets between them. I THINK he has told me everything but I still feel he has left out some things because they would hurt me and lessen our chances for reconciliation. I can't blame him in a way, but it just means that I obsess about it more as I keep imagining. I have told him and keep telling him how much this has hurt me. We both cry a lot together. He is as sad as me that what we had is gone. I want to talk about what happened, why it happened, how he could let it happen and how it could happen again. He tries to talk as much as I need to but I know (probably understandably) that he finds it exhausting and emotionally draining which means that I end up holding some of my questions back which doesn't help me.

 

Just to give you a bit more background, he says he has been thinking about this woman on and off for around a year (since she moved her child to a different school). He passed her car early February, they slowed down and started talking at the side of the road. He thought that if he told her how he had been feeling, she would tell him not to be so ridiculous and he would be able to put her out of his head and have a healthy relationship with me. I know, it sounds very odd reasoning and not entirely believable.

 

I am finding it very difficult to understand how I feel. I know I don't feel the same, but I also know that I still miss him the minute he walks out the door and enjoy being with him. A future without each other seems all wrong.

 

You say that we can get past this if we put in the work. The thing is, all the books and internet advice is about finding out was wrong in your relationship and steps to put those things right. Our problem is that there was nothing wrong with our relationship so neither of us know what sort of work to put in.

 

Whichwayisup,

 

Yes they met once. They kissed. She wanted to meet again but he made excuses not to. He says he had no intentions of making it sexual. He says he never thought of her sexually. Again, it seems a bit unlikely in the circumstances, but he actually isn't a guy very driven by sex (not to say he doesn't like it), but he is much more driven by romance and infatuation. I wouldn't want to see the OW. I would hit her. I do believe that it was just the one kiss. I am just starting to think that this wasn't anything I did. The counsellor yesterday said exactly the same thing.

[dazzle22]

I am sorry someone so genuine is being put through this. You said neither of you knew what was wrong with the relationship so you don't know what kind of work to put into it. I am sure you are in the dark, but there is NO way he doesn't know why HE did this.

 

He is lying. Sounds like he was thinking about her and then proposed to you? That is inconceivable to me. With my husband, there is NO ROOM in my mind or heart for anyone else! He is IT. PERIOD. That is the way things should be when you are getting engaged and planning to get married.. Something is terribly wrong here. He is totally disingenuous and I hope he is not able to snow your counselor with this lie.

[Woman In Blue]

He passed her car early February, they slowed down and started talking at the side of the road. He thought that if he told her how he had been feeling, she would tell him not to be so ridiculous and he would be able to put her out of his head and have a healthy relationship with me. I know, it sounds very odd reasoning and not entirely believable.

[/b]

No, not believeable at all - I agree.

 

Yes they met once. They kissed. She wanted to meet again but he made excuses not to. He says he had no intentions of making it sexual. He says he never thought of her sexually.

I have the feeling you'll eventually find out it was ALOT more than "one innocent kiss." Right now, he's doing damage control and he's NOT going to admit to anything that he doesn't have to. If you don't have a picture or video of him being sexual with this woman, then he's NOT going to admit to it. More than likely, he HAS been physical with her. It sounds as though he had this all-consuming infactuation with her and he's got to be the most pathetic liar on earth when he claims it wasn't a sexual attraction.

 

I think you've only seen the tip of the iceburg on this one, Broken. There's alot more to this story.

 

I am just starting to think that this wasn't anything I did. The counsellor yesterday said exactly the same thing.

 

Of course you didn't make him act like a middle-aged fool - he did that ALL on his own.

 

But I honestly don't believe you've been given the full story.

 

Ask him if he'll take a polygraph test - if he's being honest, he won't have a problem doing that....right?

[PhoenixRise]

I married my H at age 40 4.5 years ago. We both felt we were brought together by a gift from god, fate, etc. It was he who pushed for marriage.

Unknown to me at the time , he was involved with inappropriate relationships from the get go.

 

We had several d-Days over 4 years. The cheating continued.

We are now divorcing.

 

A 40 yo man who needs this kind of extra attention during what is usually the best part of a relationship....has issues that have nothing to do with you and that you cannot solve.

 

I'm sorry.

 

 

I think you need to reread 2Sure's post quoted above.

 

It is very likely that YOU had nothing to do with his affair. It is something within him that he will need to fix if there is any hope of him being the kind of husband you can trust going forward.

 

If he doesn't know why he did it, and he really wants to marry you, then he needs to make it his life's work to find out what is going on within himself that cause him to do this destructive thing.

 

Cards, flowers, apologies are all nice...but self reflection and self knowledge are priceless.

 

He needs to dig deep to figure himself out before you can trust him again.

[bittersweet memories]

I am sorry someone so genuine is being put through this. You said neither of you knew what was wrong with the relationship so you don't know what kind of work to put into it. I am sure you are in the dark, but there is NO way he doesn't know why HE did this.

 

He is lying. Sounds like he was thinking about her and then proposed to you? That is inconceivable to me. With my husband, there is NO ROOM in my mind or heart for anyone else! He is IT. PERIOD. That is the way things should be when you are getting engaged and planning to get married.. Something is terribly wrong here. He is totally disingenuous and I hope he is not able to snow your counselor with this lie.

 

Here's the thing dazzle, she thought/felt the same way as you do and believed he felt the same way.

[dazzle22]

But that,s my point. If he loved her as he should, as her fiance there would be no room in his heart or mind for such shameful carrying on. He's lying when he says he doesn't know why he did it.

[Jilly Bean]

Wow.

 

I read some of these stories, and I am never unamazed by the depth of betrayal that people are capable of.

 

Personally, I think anyone who has been cheated on, whether emotionally or physically, and then decides to "work it out" with the cheater, is only setting themselves up for a repeat.

 

I strongly believe that taking this guy back would only enable the behavior down the road. Only next time, he'll be more sly about it. But, I would be VERY certain it would continue. I mean, you're not even married, and he feels the need to do this?

 

What would you life be like with him now? Do you want to relegate yourself to a life of being hyper-vigilant in order to find security and trust? Will you resort to a key-logger, checking all his online accounts, checking his cell phone records, lo-jacking his car? Is that any kind of life? Because honestly, it seems that most people who've been cheated on, resort to just this. Seems like a horrid way to live, IMO.

 

I can see how people can forgive a ONS (say, the couple had a fight, one person got drunk, did something out of pain/vengeance, etc.), but any kind of affair that goes on of length, means that the cheater put a lot of thought and energy into their acts of deception. It's that sheer duplicity that would be something I couldn't forgive.

 

I know it hurts like hell for you right now, I, too, would be gutted. BUT, in time, I hope you come to believe the Universe has just given you a wonderful gift, in that it showed you who this guy really is before you walked down the aisle. I think you dodged a serious bullet.

 

Without trust, there is nothing.

[Fouts]

I do like when it's reaffirmed on here again and again how "soulmates" are always a one-sided affair, but I hate that you're another shining example of it broken12 and you had to find out the hard way. Soulmates are a very, very, very, very, very rare thing. I'm sorry your world came crashing down.

 

That being said, there's alot of writing on this thread, but all you need to do is read 2sure's post over 'n over again. I'm sorry hun, but you either have to accept it and move on, or settle for someone who's always going to be looking over your shoulder for someone else.

[silktricks]

1. He has admited he has been dragging his heels about getting married because he has been having so many thoughts about this other woman and it was making him doubt his love for me.

So what does he think now? Does he still doubt his love for you? Is he grieving the other?

 

2. The EA lasted 5 weeks (although we were away on holiday for one of those weeks when he had no contact with her). I found out because he had been behaving so strangely for those 5 weeks and I checked the phone bill.

5 weeks isn't long as far the communication goes, but he's been having "thoughts" about her for over a year??? Has he gone into what those "thoughts" entailed? Fantasy of happy ever after, or more like the "nice a$$ kind of fantasies?"

 

3. My gut instinct is that he has stopped contact.

I'm a big believer in gut instinct when one is badly burned. If you really think at this point that he's stopped contact, then he probably has. That, of course, doesn't mean he won't start it up again... but you know him better than we do. What is your gut instinct about that?

 

4. We went to a relationship counsellor yesterday to try to work out how this had happened. Basically she (the counsellor) told my partner that he had behaved like a teenager when he was in a relationship that most people can only dream of.

uhmmm yeah - how old is he? mid forties??? has he ever done anything like this before? Good step going to a counsellor.

 

In terms of what he's doing, he's doing everything around the house (I just can't function and I've 3 children from my previous marriage that he has been dad to for the past 4 years), yes, he tells me he's sorry and loves me. I feel like he wants to DO everything possible, but doesn't really know where to start. I've also had cards, flowers, presents and 52 postacrds with all the reasons that he loves me.

all good things

 

5. When I say I don't feel the same about him, trusting him was a HUGE part of the love that I had for him (my previous husband had affairs and trusting someone was a big issue for me). Consequently, with the trust gone (at this point anyway) I don't feel like I can say I love him. I loved him because he was a beautiful person inside and what he did was so so ugly. But yes, I have felt like I was in love with someone who didn't exist.

If the ONLY reason you loved him was because you trusted him, then he didn't (really exist that is), but I'd assume that there were more reasons then that. What he did was ugly, yes. But I will add that there are probably no people on the face of the earth who haven't done despicable things at times. It is a great sorrow that he did this to you, who loved/s him. It does seem, though that sometime people do the worst things possible to the people they love - I personally believe that some of it is so they can "test" how much they are loved. Will you still love me if I do this? What about this? Well, will you still love me if I hurt you??? It's gross and crazy, but it sure happens.

 

6. He takes pictures of himself whenever he's out on the road and texts them to me so I know he is where he says he is. He hands me his phone as soon as he comes in so I can see who's called (although to be quite honest, it's a bit pointless because anything incriminating would obviously have been deleted). He's also changed networks on his phone to one where the text detail can be retrieved if need be.

Those are all good - I especially like the picture taking...

 

7. We are talking loads. Yes I want to know ALL the details I can't bear to think that there are any secrets between them. I THINK he has told me everything but I still feel he has left out some things because they would hurt me and lessen our chances for reconciliation. I can't blame him in a way, but it just means that I obsess about it more as I keep imagining.

This is really a hard one for the person who did the hurting to understand. They want/need to be forgiven and are really afraid that if they say everything that they won't be. Try very hard to get him to see the importance of telling you everything. If something else comes out down the road, it will set you back to ground zero. (Maybe the counsellor can help him see this.) On the other hand, maybe he really has told you everything, and because right now you are afraid to trust him, you won't let yourself believe it. Give it some time, you'll figure it out.

 

He tries to talk as much as I need to but I know (probably understandably) that he finds it exhausting and emotionally draining which means that I end up holding some of my questions back which doesn't help me.

Don't hold back - especially not now when it's fresh. If you hold back now, and are still obsessing - down the road, if you ask a question and get an answer that isn't what you've assumed (based upon other things he said) that will also set you back. ASK!!!

 

He passed her car early February, they slowed down and started talking at the side of the road. He thought that if he told her how he had been feeling, she would tell him not to be so ridiculous and he would be able to put her out of his head and have a healthy relationship with me. I know, it sounds very odd reasoning and not entirely believable.

Actually, to me this sounds ENTIRELY believable, as it's certainly something I could see myself doing. It's weird, true, but it is believable.

 

I am finding it very difficult to understand how I feel. I know I don't feel the same, but I also know that I still miss him the minute he walks out the door and enjoy being with him. A future without each other seems all wrong.

 

You say that we can get past this if we put in the work. The thing is, all the books and internet advice is about finding out was wrong in your relationship and steps to put those things right. Our problem is that there was nothing wrong with our relationship so neither of us know what sort of work to put in.

Oh. Well, the work to put in is to learn once again to trust. It sounds to me like both of you are making many of the right steps there. However, don't be TOO quick to assume there was nothing wrong in your relationship. He wasn't able to talk to you about his sexual(?) feelings for another woman - if he had talked to you about it, he wouldn't have stopped to talk to her, etc.... There is ALWAYS work to do on a relationship. If you think it's perfect, usually it's not. If you think it's perfect you aren't working on it, and that's when trouble starts. Sometimes it's pretty difficult to tell your best friend and lover that you are unhappy or distressed about something....

 

Yes they met once. They kissed. She wanted to meet again but he made excuses not to. He says he had no intentions of making it sexual. He says he never thought of her sexually. Again, it seems a bit unlikely in the circumstances, but he actually isn't a guy very driven by sex (not to say he doesn't like it), but he is much more driven by romance and infatuation. I wouldn't want to see the OW. I would hit her. I do believe that it was just the one kiss. I am just starting to think that this wasn't anything I did. The counsellor yesterday said exactly the same thing.

You don't have to believe this utterly, but it really doesn't seem all that unlikely or impossible. Don't believe it or disbelieve it - just let it lie fallow in you until you can reach a decision based on other information. You will know the truth in time.

 

And it wasn't anything you did. Don't take this on yourself.

[MadMission]

"he says he has been thinking about this woman on and off for around a year (since she moved her child to a different school). He passed her car early February, they slowed down and started talking at the side of the road. He thought that if he told her how he had been feeling, she would tell him not to be so ridiculous and he would be able to put her out of his head and have a healthy relationship with me. I know, it sounds very odd reasoning and not entirely believable."

 

OK...I am going to guess that he had a thing for this woman before she moved...for who knows how long. Then, her child switches schools, and he can't stop thinking about her...for a YEAR. And, his thoughts were consuming and deep enough that he was dragging his feet about marrying you because of HER.

 

Here are my questions:

 

1.) What was the nature of their relationship prior to her moving? Did they have an emotional affair (EA) at that time? Was his relationship with her inappropriate then?

 

2.) Why did she switch schools? Is she married? Could it have been an attempt to put an end to their inappropriate relationship...which was going nowhere because they were in comitted relationships?

 

3.)How is it that you pull up on the side of the road with someone...and go right to talking such intimate things with them...and making plans to secretly meet with them...then kiss them...then OW wants more?

 

I am sorry, but it sounds to me like they may have already had an A of some sort. It was very emotional, at the very least. She tried to end it.

Was successful for a year...until they ran into each other. He NEEDED to see if there was still something there between them. So he asked...because they were already comfortable with talking intimately. She agreed to meet with him to explore this more...as she likely felt the same way. They talked...rekindled feelings...kissed. She thought she had the green light to resume their A...and was ready to pick up where they left off. There was a flurry of texts between them...with the A resuming.

He 'changed'...because he was full-swing back into an A with this woman.

You caught him.

 

His claims that he made excuses not to meet OW...as if SHE was the only one interested?? I am having trouble buying that. HE was the one who could not stop thinking about HER for a YEAR! So much so, that it delayed his marrying you. Then when he accidentally runs into her (if that part is even true,) the first thing he does is tell her how he FEELS about her????? Really????

 

This is mostly speculation of course, but this scenario actually makes sense...fills in a lot of the blanks...as unbelievable as it is.

[on1wheel]

Sorry, but I too believe U DO NOT know the extent of this A.

I also agree that a 1 time "I was drunk or ran into my Ex" kind of A is 1 type of situation, but the thoughts & efforts that go into a long term A is what is truly scary.

That shows such a level of disrespect & not caring for the other persons well being @ all...truly disgusting.

You probably never had the relationship you thought U had; at least not on his part. You thought it was perfect, as U didn't know the real person he was. But now U do, so use this wake-up call as the way to get out NOW!!!

Just my opinion, but let me tell you what you have to look forward to if you stay, as I did for the sake of a baby.....

•never knowing which person they will be today...the cheating liar or the loving spouse that wants to make it up to U

•having ur mind re-living both the details U know & the one's U suspect; whether U want it too or not

•sufferring on an almost daily basis over the loss of a relationship that U thought was near perfect

•wondering whether they do or ever did truly love U

•wondering whether they are cheating still; with the same person or someone new

•worrying about STD's they may have passed on to U

•wondering who they're thinking of while ur being intimate

 

Well I could go on, but U get the idea. I say if U have no kids together then...wait for it...RUN!!!

[broken12]

So what does he think now? Does he still doubt his love for you? Is he grieving the other?

 

He says that now he realises how much he loves me and only me and how he has only ever loved me. He says he got totally swept away by the situation and his mind was able to blot out his love for me and the damage that would follow. He says he now hates the OW - for what she has done to our relationship (he also hates himself).

 

5 weeks isn't long as far the communication goes, but he's been having "thoughts" about her for over a year??? Has he gone into what those "thoughts" entailed? Fantasy of happy ever after, or more like the "nice a$$ kind of fantasies?"

 

He says now, looking back, when she left the school, he missed her "smile and bubbliness". He thinks now that he probabaly would have felt the same if one of his good male friends had left the school. But, because she was female, he read way too much into the "missing her" feelings and totally misread the situation. He says he hasn't been thinking of her ALL year. It was only if he passed her car or bumped into her in the street (maybe once every month or two), that the "missing her" feelings started up again for a short time. He says he never fantasised about her, it was just "missing her" feelings that he misconstrued.

 

I'm a big believer in gut instinct when one is badly burned. If you really think at this point that he's stopped contact, then he probably has. That, of course, doesn't mean he won't start it up again... but you know him better than we do. What is your gut instinct about that?

 

I believe that at this point (and probably for some time to come) he wouldn't entertain contacting her (or anyone else). He is so racked with guilt, shame and remorse that I don't think he would. However, those feelings will subside over the years and I don't feel so confident that he wouldn't do the same thing in a few years.

 

uhmmm yeah - how old is he? mid forties??? has he ever done anything like this before? Good step going to a counsellor.

 

He's 37. Yes. He was engaged to a previous woman about 15 years ago. He had an A (full on not just EA) while they were engaged. He stopped the

A just weeks before they were married and then resumed it after the wedding. Him and his wife split after being married for 2 months (he confessed to her).

 

I know, it's hideous. We've talked about it a lot during the course of our relationship. He always said he was just very young and immature. He wholeheartedly regretted it and having seen how much devastation it caused - not just to his wife but to so many extended family and friends, he was a changed man - he would never do that to someone again, EVER. He had absolutely learnt his lesson.

 

I guess that's one of the hardest things for me to move on from. Exactly the same words as he's saying to me today.

 

I think 2sure is right. He clearly does have issues that are nothing to do with our relationship. The counsellor said pretty much the same thing. He is emotionally very immature and doesn't know when to put the brakes on in an inappropriate friendship that could get out of hand if he doesn't force himself to stop. The sad thing is, although on paper he sounds like a complete b!"£$%d, I know him and he is actually a very, very good man. He absolutely 100% loathes what he has done. He is now realising that yes, he has a problem, a bit like being an alcoholic, that he hates and wants to be rid of and he's going to do everything in his power to address it. I still don't know if we can make it as a couple but, if we don't, he'll need to do this to save any possible future good relationships.

 

I'm not condoning it, but I think that having "the ability" to have an A is partly in your genes. Both his parents and his sister have had A's. My previous husband had 2 A's whilst with me - both his parents and his brother also did the same thing. It's very sad.

 

 

If the ONLY reason you loved him was because you trusted him, then he didn't (really exist that is), but I'd assume that there were more reasons then that.

 

No, I loved him for many reasons, but trusting him was one of the biggest.

 

Oh. Well, the work to put in is to learn once again to trust. It sounds to me like both of you are making many of the right steps there. However, don't be TOO quick to assume there was nothing wrong in your relationship. He wasn't able to talk to you about his sexual(?) feelings for another woman - if he had talked to you about it, he wouldn't have stopped to talk to her, etc.... There is ALWAYS work to do on a relationship. If you think it's perfect, usually it's not. If you think it's perfect you aren't working on it, and that's when trouble starts. Sometimes it's pretty difficult to tell your best friend and lover that you are unhappy or distressed about something....

 

That's really helpful. I think we probably both got complacent with how easy it was between us.

 

Thanks so much, Silktricks. I really appreciate your time. I feel like you are guaging the situation really well.

 

Thank you all - for all your comments and time.

[Jilly Bean]

He had an A (full on not just EA) while they were engaged. He stopped the A just weeks before they were married and then resumed it after the wedding. Him and his wife split after being married for 2 months (he confessed to her).

 

I'm honestly amazed that you don't seem too bothered by the fact that he has repeated this pattern with you. I would venture to say you've only heard one side of this story. I bet she found out about the affair, and got rid of him, rather than him being so up front. Either way, you're OK being with this guy even knowing this about his character? This is what I mean about enabling.

 

Regardless, you now know the man is a serial cheater. If you have told yourself before what happened with her was a one-shot thing, now you have your proof this is not the case, as he cheated on you, too. And I agree with the others - chances are highly probable it went on longer, and with a greater intensity than he told you.

 

But still, you DO see that he's just done to you, what he did to her, right? Had a commitment to marry, cheated, got married, and kept cheating.

 

You have a pattern of getting involved with cheaters, and he has displayed his pattern of being a serial cheat. He's not going to break tradition, as long as you keep enabling him. Question is, are YOU going to change your own course and get rid of the slimeball?

[MadMission]

"He's 37. Yes. He was engaged to a previous woman about 15 years ago. He had an A (full on not just EA) while they were engaged. He stopped the A just weeks before they were married and then resumed it after the wedding. Him and his wife split after being married for 2 months (he confessed to her).

 

I know, it's hideous. We've talked about it a lot during the course of our relationship. He always said he was just very young and immature. He wholeheartedly regretted it and having seen how much devastation it caused - not just to his wife but to so many extended family and friends, he was a changed man - he would never do that to someone again, EVER. He had absolutely learnt his lesson."

Broken,

 

I am very confused. Faithfulness was/is such a HUGE requirement for you having been devistated by infidelity in the past. Your fiance KNEW this about you...how your've already been through this...been so HURT...in previous relationships. PLUS, you have discussed this extensively due to HIS previous infidelity. Yours was not a relationship where you were cruising along as a couple and totally blindsided by something totally unthinkable. Your fiance cannot claim a lack of awareness...that he didn't realize he was blurring boundaries...or that he had no idea that he was falling down that slippery slope. He KNEW and allowed himself to develop inappropriate feelings for this OW. He actively, knowingly persued her. He KNEW exactly what he was doing...the risk he was taking...the ensuing devistation to you and your children. And, HE DID IT ANYWAY.

You 2 were both on high alert regarding infidelity and betrayal...and it happened anyway.

 

Your fiance claimed that he was "young and immature" when he cheated on his other fiance. When he hits about 40, it'll be a "midlife crisis made him do it." And, then after married for some years, he'll be blaming "the 7 year itch."

 

Your fiance does not, at his core, believe infidelity is wrong. He has no internal voice which chimes in when he gets to know a likable woman. Boundaries melt away. Nor does he have tunnel vision for you, or respect you, care for you, cherish you the way a fiance should his future wife. This is a recipe for disaster.

 

You KNOW all this. Yet, you are signing up to be the wife of an unfaithful man. Don't be surprised when the next bubbly girl with a nice smile walks into his life....

 

Please step back and THINK about what you are doing.

 

I wish you all the best.

[Lishy]

I am so saddened by this story

 

I honestly think there is so much more to this and the only way you will find out is to talk to the other woman involved in a CALM way.

 

My ex cheated on me and I had no idea the extent of it until I spoke to the other woman and it opened my eyes no end. I was shocked to my core as I trusted him too. Get the strength and talk to her, you say you would hit her but why? HE cheated on you not her! HE was the one who owed you loyalty and HE betrayed it! You dont know what he has been saying to her and let me tell you that cheating lying men are something else, they are capable of so much.

 

Talk to her and then you will know if this man is really your soul mate or if he is just good at talking the talk!

 

Good luck I am so sorry you are going thorugh this x

[silktricks]

 

He's 37. Yes. He was engaged to a previous woman about 15 years ago. He had an A (full on not just EA) while they were engaged. He stopped the

A just weeks before they were married and then resumed it after the wedding. Him and his wife split after being married for 2 months (he confessed to her).

 

I know, it's hideous. We've talked about it a lot during the course of our relationship. He always said he was just very young and immature. He wholeheartedly regretted it and having seen how much devastation it caused - not just to his wife but to so many extended family and friends, he was a changed man - he would never do that to someone again, EVER. He had absolutely learnt his lesson.

WHOA - this is REALLY not good. It seems very possible that he has some truly MAJOR hang-ups about the commitment of marriage. ... and off the cuff, I'd say he really absolutely has not learned his "lesson". In fact he may have a few more lessons to learn.

 

 

I think 2sure is right. He clearly does have issues that are nothing to do with our relationship. The counsellor said pretty much the same thing. He is emotionally very immature and doesn't know when to put the brakes on in an inappropriate friendship that could get out of hand if he doesn't force himself to stop. The sad thing is, although on paper he sounds like a complete b!"£$%d, I know him and he is actually a very, very good man. He absolutely 100% loathes what he has done.

I'm sure he does loathe what he has done. And, frankly, I believe you that he's a good man - who is messed up. But, he does have a huge problem. One that you'd better really think deeply about sharing. This can be the heartache of the century for you. But, that said - don't forget we're just a bunch of nameless idiots who don't mind sharing our opinions with other people. Maybe he (and you) can make this work - but be prepared for a long tough way to be able to learn to trust him again.

 

Best of luck to you.