Madeline Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 Hey there! I am someone who's husband cheated on her with a good friend and former next door neighbor. The whole thing was HORRIFYING, demoralizing, heinous, and painful beyond anything I'd ever experienced. That was 5 years ago. Yeah. Get over it? Hmmm. They got married, and have two kids. I would so love to be a fly on the wall at their house. Do they have regular relationship problems? Do they get on eachother's nerves? One thing they said was that they were the only two people on earth who could understand one another--so they HAD to be together, no one else would understand. And yet--IT LOOKS LIKE neither of them had any consequences associated with their actions. He got promoted, they went on European vacations, he had a continuity of partnership and family life while I stumbled through being single, dating, and reestablishing myself financially and professionally. He even totalled my car on the same day he let me know what was going on. ARE THERE CONSEQUENCES to their behaviours? DO THEY really trust eachother? My mom and dad went through the same thing I went through (exactly--the comparisons are creepy) and my father's second marriage has lasted to this day. Can you build a good thing on something that was so horrific and painful? Yes, I SHOULD move on. Yes, my current life is way better than my unhappy marriage. Yes, ex-hubby was somewhat courageous in some weird way because what he did was so irrepairable that there was no way we could even WORK through things--despite the fact that I wanted to. Trust me, this marriage was worth WRECKING. But I was so committed, I was unwilling to give up. Having said that, I sure wish they each had the level of communication skills I had, and the level of goodwill I was offering. My wish at the time and only sadness since is that we could not all discuss what was happening in a rational, considerate way. Instead of just losing a husband, I lost a friend, a circle of friends and an extended family. Yeah, you ask about the level of quality or loyalty of those people. Good point. I just have a lot of disconnects in my family life already (mom and dad created lots of problems--long story)--so I just don't like the TOTAL loss of someone who had been so important to me that I MARRIED him. I still keep in touch with his extended family. These are my lingering thoughts. Do any of you know the realities of couples with this foundation? I guess I just want the REALITY because in my rejected sad heart, it looks like they skirted through all the negativity and pain and just have this glowing family happiness. Which--on one hand is GREAT--everyone is entitled to their best happiness. On the other hand, they were so disrespectful and their behaviour was so cruel that it seems like there should be a downside if there really is cosmic justice. Everything I read about success says you can't just be super callous and self-serving if you want a high quality of life. Like you just can't discard people so callously without it coming back to you in the form of personal setbacks. I've had a lot of setbacks--and I've grown a ton in response--which ultimately is great. It just seems like some people get to skip the hard parts and just get all the rewards without the effort. Here are the myths: --married men don't leave their wife for their mistresses YEAH--- NO, IN FACT --cheaters and homewreckers suffer social ostricization and professional setbacks from others who find their behavior reprehensible. NOT IN MY OBSERVATION --cheaters and homewreckers have a relationship but never really trust one another, and in fact, once a cheater, always a cheater. They continue their infidelity and discarding patterns. HMMM, NOT IN MY OBSERVATION Does anyone have experiences to share? Many thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted June 10, 2003 Share Posted June 10, 2003 Are you kidding? Do you know how many people live there lives getting a way with murder? Or how many people have gone to their graves after doing so much dirt in there lives and it was never found out? The sad reality about life is that it's not fair and that it's not always just. Bad things are going to happen to you in life, period. There's no way you can get around it unless you totally lock yourself up in the house. You're going to meet up with conniving people, manipulators and who will do you in and they will be successful at it. We live in a society where we are constantly told that people shouldn't treat us a certain way, or that they should treat us badly, and while that's all good to think, the truth is people are going to do just that, and when it happens we just can't get over it because we've been told so many times that it shouldn't have happened. Just because it shouldn't happened, doesn't mean it's not going to happen, or that it can't happen. After 5 years, you are still way too consumed about whether this couple is going to get theirs or not. You are angry because while they appear to be living the high life after hurting you, you're the one that's struggling. I'm sure the way it all happened was traumatic for you, especially since she was your good friend too. But consuming yourself with how unjust the betrayal was is not good for you. You need to start a new process of healing, and realize that what happened to you was bad, was wrong, and was terrible, but you're not going to let that stop your from finding true, geniune happiness in life. You're so concern with whether they are happy or not, you need to be more concern about your life and finding true happiness there. Link to post Share on other sites
flower Posted June 11, 2003 Share Posted June 11, 2003 Madeline, Sorry to hear about your experiences. I think what you said about those myths was correct. I saw people around me getting away with it also. Maybe there will be retributions but in the future as in another life?? I don't know but what I know is you must start living and create happiness for yourself even if it means going to another country to start again to breathe fresh air, know new people. Leave the past behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Madeline Posted June 11, 2003 Author Share Posted June 11, 2003 KD-- Yeah. I watch enough Law and Order to see that you're quite correct. So--then--WHY BOTHER with the effort of being a 'Good' person? Is there value in being considerate, kind, and responsible? Is it worth the trouble of communicating or having restraint when what you want to do will invariably cause harm and pain to another person? Why would those on this forum discourage the would-be cheaters and homewreckers? Is all the effort JUST SO you can live with yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Rob Posted June 11, 2003 Share Posted June 11, 2003 Yes there is value in being caring and considerate. Don't cash in your morals because you see two other people living it up without theirs. They'll have their day. Just keep on living your life not out of spite or hatred towards them but out of a desire to make your own life and the lives of all around you better. You can have all the fame, wealth, and material goods in the world and you'll still be bankrupt if you don't have morals and values. Don't leave home without them. Link to post Share on other sites
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