A Heavy Last Straw

[nap]

I haven't spoken to anyone about this - I'm devastated. I've been married for 20 years. My marriage has had a lot of downers but also some ups and for the sake of the kids I've persisted and over the last few years its been better. Why the downers-incompatible interests, lack of communication, different values, strict versus non-strict, money issues, etc etc. I believe the marriage was worth holding together and raising a family and compromise on those contentious issues would be very frustrating but worth it.

 

Recently my wife had a paranoia event which led her to reveal she had an affair a few years back- her friends knew but not me-"what I didn't know wouldn't hurt" has always been a favourite saying of hers. She was all apologetic, etc etc but never in those ensuing years did she ever admit to it nor show any remorse or change in her habits or compromise to make up for the infedility. I'm very hurt - my trust is shattered and no matter hard I try I cannot seem to forgive or forget. All these years I placed a trust in her (as a good marriage should) in every respect but this news has killed all of that. She says it was nothing, it didn't mean anything and it really wasn't sex - 69er and meticolously planned over two weeks (that's what is admitted at least) is not something that happens by accident.

 

I find it hard to accept my marriage is over but I do not seem to see how we can continue and have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship. What do you guys think?.....am I weird to think this way?

[Tony T]

You admitted yourself in your post that your marriage has gotten better over the last few years...that would be since this short affair. Prior to that, your marriage was pretty sorry.

 

I think considering this short affair seemingly improved the marriage, this is something you can forgive and forget and work through. However, if otherwise your marriage is still pretty sorry it may not be worth the effort to you. Only you can decide.

 

Staying in a sorry marriage for the sake of children is not something that should be done. However, since you've already done that, it's probably not worth mentioning.

 

You've given up a very big chunk of your life to remain in what I understand to be a pretty unfulfilling relationship with a woman who is totally incompatible with you. I'm not quite understanding why the marriage took place to begin with...buth that's a whole other story too.

 

Assess your feelings and the state of the marriage at this point. It may be way too late to work on things...and in your case there may be no place to compromise and make it better, especially if the two of you are so far out of sync. Once you do that, you either stay together and make it work to your liking or get out of it and live your life the way you want to.

 

Please try not to make this mistake again...and when you make a mistake, please try not to protract for 20 years. That's a long time to stay in hell.

[Carly]

An affair is not necessarily the death knell to a marriage. There are even some married people who learn of their partners cheating on them, and it jolts them into working on their marriage like they have never done before.

 

There are many factors that influence whether or not the infidelity will kill the marriage -- the state of the marriage at the time of the infidelity, the nature and length of the infidelity, the financial and emotional dependence the cheated partner has on the marriage (can he or she afford to walk?), extraneous motivations for staying together (is it just to keep up appearances with friends and family?), the expression (or lack thereof) of remorse, the capacity of the cheated partner for forgiveness, etc.

 

In your case, you are describing a marriage that was lacking intimacy before the affair, but you were both sticking with it for the sake if the kids. That was good enough for your wife to maintain a facade of a happy intact marriage, but it clearly wasn't enough for her to remain emotionally or romantically faithful.

 

Oh, and I don't believe she fessed up because of some irrational paranoia on her part. I think she was giving you a wake-up call: interests of the kids not withstanding, there is not enough in the marriage to keep her in it 100%.

 

If you find it in your heart to forgive her, AND if she really wants to work on saving the marriage, then you will both have to work long and hard to bring back emotional trust and emotional intimacy to the marriage.

 

If that is what you both want, then I wish you the best.