The one year mark of R

[beyondsad]

Almost a year of R and I am still bubbling with anger and resentment. He is and always was good to me, generous and thoughtful ( oh yea he cheated on me- duh!!!). I am trying not to dwell on the past BUT as you all know since you have been there too the hurt doesn't always go away at least not for me.

 

The past year has been hell with small periods of almost normal times sprinkled in just enought to keep me from kicking him out. I have really hoped that by now I would be ok and I am just not. I am still overwelmed with the whys? and how could you's. He still gets upset with me for bringing up anything about him cheating on me and then won't talk to me for a day.

 

He also doesn't understand that why I can't just let this all go and get on with our lives. I want everything to be ok but inside I am just fooling myself - he cheated on me WHY am I still with him. It is eating me up and maybe I am just one of those women who can't let it go and should throw the towel in.

 

I guess I need to start the zoloft again. While on zoloft I was coping better but when I try to go off here comes the bitterness bubbling up again. What the hell do I need to stay on anti-dpress for the rest of our lives to just stay married? Sounds like I am having a pity party - thanks for letting me rant.

Has anyone else felt that way at a year and just threw the towel in? I keep thinking about the 14 yrs together and starting over and I am still right here where I started on that fence. Stay or go?

[utterer of lies]

Almost a year of R and I am still bubbling with anger and resentment. He is and always was good to me, generous and thoughtful ( oh yea he cheated on me- duh!!!). I am trying not to dwell on the past BUT as you all know since you have been there too the hurt doesn't always go away at least not for me.

 

The past year has been hell with small periods of almost normal times sprinkled in just enought to keep me from kicking him out. I have really hoped that by now I would be ok and I am just not. I am still overwelmed with the whys? and how could you's. He still gets upset with me for bringing up anything about him cheating on me and then won't talk to me for a day.

 

He also doesn't understand that why I can't just let this all go and get on with our lives. I want everything to be ok but inside I am just fooling myself - he cheated on me WHY am I still with him. It is eating me up and maybe I am just one of those women who can't let it go and should throw the towel in.

 

I guess I need to start the zoloft again. While on zoloft I was coping better but when I try to go off here comes the bitterness bubbling up again. What the hell do I need to stay on anti-dpress for the rest of our lives to just stay married? Sounds like I am having a pity party - thanks for letting me rant.

Has anyone else felt that way at a year and just threw the towel in? I keep thinking about the 14 yrs together and starting over and I am still right here where I started on that fence. Stay or go?

 

Meds won't help. Go.

[jwi71]

I am still overwelmed with the whys? and how could you's. He still gets upset with me for bringing up anything about him cheating on me and then won't talk to me for a day.

 

If you two arent in MC...you'd better go. And if you are, this is topic number one on your next visit.

 

He is controlling you with these actions. More importantly, because he ISNT addressing these issues "whatever" they are...STILL exist. His not talking to you is NOT working on the marriage and himself. Its running away and hiding. Perhaps continuing the affair eve.

 

HE talks or you walk.

 

He also doesn't understand that why I can't just let this all go and get on with our lives.

 

WS do this. They simply DONT want to face the aftermath of what they choose and planned (and obviously did) do. They would rather bury it, forget about it and walk away. And not give a **** about how you feel. Been there, done that.

 

I want everything to be ok but inside I am just fooling myself - he cheated on me WHY am I still with him. It is eating me up and maybe I am just one of those women who can't let it go and should throw the towel in.

 

Maybe so. Perhaps speak to this with your MC AND your lawyer. Maybe you and your H can agree to separate for a few months to see if ANYTHING improves.

 

I guess I need to start the zoloft again. While on zoloft I was coping better but when I try to go off here comes the bitterness bubbling up again. What the hell do I need to stay on anti-dpress for the rest of our lives to just stay married

 

Exactly. Staying drugged to simply "be married" is NO way to live. Better is to stay married to a man you love, trust and respect. And I'm not hearing that here...and no one blames you...look at how he acts NOW.

 

Stay or go?

 

YOur H is acting exactly like my now xW. Refusing to discuss, getting angry when its brought up, saying "lets just forget about it"...I did it for almost 6 months. In MC. Turns out she was STILL having her A and lying to everyone.

 

She was sserved papers not even a week later. And, you know what, it was as if the world was lifted from my shoulders. Best thing I ever did.

 

So I say GO.

 

But...if you want to try...it takes two. And your H isnt. Go to MC. Or report all this to your MC. Talk to a lawyer. You need to ACT...and decisively.

 

Best wishes...

[Gamine]

Almost a year of R and I am still bubbling with anger and resentment. He is and always was good to me, generous and thoughtful ( oh yea he cheated on me- duh!!!). I am trying not to dwell on the past BUT as you all know since you have been there too the hurt doesn't always go away at least not for me.

 

The past year has been hell with small periods of almost normal times sprinkled in just enought to keep me from kicking him out. I have really hoped that by now I would be ok and I am just not. I am still overwelmed with the whys? and how could you's. He still gets upset with me for bringing up anything about him cheating on me and then won't talk to me for a day.

 

He also doesn't understand that why I can't just let this all go and get on with our lives. I want everything to be ok but inside I am just fooling myself - he cheated on me WHY am I still with him. It is eating me up and maybe I am just one of those women who can't let it go and should throw the towel in.

 

I guess I need to start the zoloft again. While on zoloft I was coping better but when I try to go off here comes the bitterness bubbling up again. What the hell do I need to stay on anti-dpress for the rest of our lives to just stay married? Sounds like I am having a pity party - thanks for letting me rant.

Has anyone else felt that way at a year and just threw the towel in? I keep thinking about the 14 yrs together and starting over and I am still right here where I started on that fence. Stay or go?

 

 

First of all, I want you to know that you are most certainly not alone concerning your experiences or your feelings and it is not unusual to be reeling with anger a year out. I will be married 14 years this September and frankly at the year mark... or slightly before it... I was incensed with anger. I never used meds because I personally have a need to know myself and to deal with my feelings and thoughts... and while difficult... still would rather be dealing with a full deck than not. I would almost prefer suffering for a shorter duration with the full force of my feelings than dragging it on for years and years.

 

I don't think your husband's attitude is helping any. And, I can totally see how that would be, in and of itself, a sore spot and point of tremendous anger. First you get the affair dumped on you. Then, the recovery dumped on you. Clearly this is a very crappy situation.

 

It gets better... at least for me it did. The rage at the one year mark is quite serious stuff. For me, I realized I was one year out and the 'magical' reconciliation from me to him had not occurred. I felt bitch slapped and spat upon and... disrespected. My life used as toilet paper. My promise used as toilet paper. Wow, the anger is something else when we have been made a fool of.

 

But for me, the feelings of being made a fool of have, over time, subsided and so has the rage. Now, I am adrift. Thinking about my life... my personal journey... whereas before I thought only about our journey. Now, since the bond has been broken I'm renegotiating my life with me.

 

You are most deserving of your husband's respect and this is something he must extend to you. It took a while for mine to realize that his dodging his own bullet was creating the very dynamic he wanted to run from. He was forcing us to be apart by dodging. Yours may be under the mistaken impression that by dodging he is engaging in damage control... however it is, in reality, perhaps the opposite.

[Owl]

What SPECIFICALLY are the two of you ACTIVELY doing to recover and rebuild your marriage?

[beyondsad]

Before finding out about the A I would have never in my wildest thought he was capable of it. He treats me and the kids great, tells me he loves me and our life together daily. The only difference now is we have date night weekly and he kisses ass more!!. I tell him when I am sad and he has apologozed a million times BUT it still hurts and he doesn't want to talk about HER- who lives in our small town and one way or another I either run into her or hear about her. You can visibly see him cringe and the mood changes abrubtly when I throw a dig about about what he did or about their hook up place. Which is hard not to go by since we live in a small town.

 

This entire F'd up situation is just almost unbearable and I really thought since I gave him another chance I would be ok at at least 1 yr out but surprise I am not. I have to say he is entirely transparent and makes sure I know where he is at and who he is with. The phone is always on the counter and he knows I scroll thru and check itemized bill. Now he seems to want to be with me more during free time. I have always given him his guy time and having boys he has always spent almost all his free time with them or us together. His hookup was during day and phone and text's

 

MC really didn't help us much - he cried I cried he begged forgiveness and swore it would never happen again. After each MC I truly didn't feel like it helped - I know why it happened (he was weak) and being a mom I tended to put kids first and us second. We have changed in how we treat our marriage as more important than before when it was on overdrive and if the A never happened I would say he was a great H But it did and I am still pissed at him. I know this sounds stupid but sometimes I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either!!! CRAZY TRAIN!!

[eyeswide]

Hi Beyondsad...I'm only 3+ months out from D-day and I don't know what I'll feel like after 1 yr (right now I'm still working on getting obsessive thoughts about the OW out of my head!), but when I read your posts something popped into my head so I'm going to say it:

 

I think you have to decide what means more to you, the anger or the marriage. I don't think you get to hold on to both.

 

Much love. I know it freaking hurts to let go, and it really stinks that we have to keep letting go...over and over and over. But at this point, I think the choice is in your hands.

[Teslacoil]

I have really hoped that by now I would be ok and I am just not. I am still overwelmed with the whys? and how could you's. He still gets upset with me for bringing up anything about him cheating on me and then won't talk to me for a day.

 

You need to explain better why you're overwhelmed with the whys and how could yous. I'll echo responses from above. Are you in marriage counseling? Have you been provided answers to these questions?

 

If you haven't been provided satisfactory answers to the "whys" and "how could yous", you need to improve your communication to get those issues resolved. It's concerning that you're still unresolved on these issues a year after the affair.

 

If you have been provided answers to the "whys" and "how could yous", then why do you keep asking, and beating a dead horse? Again, this is also a concern a year after the affair.

 

Either way, I'm not saying you're not hurt and that you don't have justified anger. However, it sounds like whatever method you've been using to heal the wounds in your marriage isn't working. Either you've never truly resolved the affair a year after the fact, or a year after the fact you continue to mercilessly reopen old wounds.

 

If you simply CAN'T get over your anger, then I honestly don't see the point in staying in the marriage. Even if you've had 14 years together, wouldn't you like to start over with what time you have left?

[OWoman]

Beyond, no one should need meds to help them get through their M. Your M should be a source of energy and benefit for you, not a source of pain and struggle. If the bad stuff is so heavily outweighing the good for you, it's not in your interest - you'll just be amassing a greater and greater deficit each day.

 

That said, the alternative might be worse for you - you might find splitting up hard, or the demands of single parenting hard, or the admission of the final loss of that dream of reconciliation hard - even harder than this. It's difficult to guess.

 

MC didn't work out for you - and I'd guess from what you describe that both you and your H each have such a big burden of pain that it's hard for you to move beyond that to connect with each other. So, I'd suggest that you take some time for yourself - IC, or some other kind of activity where you can reconnect with yourself, face your pain and all those triggers for your hurt, and get a sense of what it is YOU really need. Once this is clearer, you'll be in a better position to know whether this is something your H, or your M, can provide - or whether it's something YOU need to provide by being apart from your H.

[PhoenixRise]

Beyondsad

 

 

I would say that the last thing you need to do is start medicating yourself so you can stay in the marriage.

 

Your feelings are real and they are legitimate. Just trying to not feel what you feel will not work. You have to work through it and if you are going to truly reconcile with your husband he needs to help you.

 

Maybe you ARE one of those people who just can not get past cheating. Many people feel this way and there is nothing wrong in it.

 

However I think that it is not unsusal for a BS to start to feel and express true anger after the dust settles and the percieved immediate threat to the marriage is over.

 

I think you shoud take a step back. Try IC or if you can, take some time away from the H and kids. Go visit family, take a mini vacation, check into a local hotel for a few days if you have to. Take some time to seriously think about what you want and how you want to live the next 5 years of your life. If you come to the conclusion that you can not live with you H after his infidelity then be honest about that, with yourself and with your H.

[bentnotbroken]

Beyond, no one should need meds to help them get through their M. Your M should be a source of energy and benefit for you, not a source of pain and struggle. If the bad stuff is so heavily outweighing the good for you, it's not in your interest - you'll just be amassing a greater and greater deficit each day.

 

That said, the alternative might be worse for you - you might find splitting up hard, or the demands of single parenting hard, or the admission of the final loss of that dream of reconciliation hard - even harder than this. It's difficult to guess.

 

MC didn't work out for you - and I'd guess from what you describe that both you and your H each have such a big burden of pain that it's hard for you to move beyond that to connect with each other. So, I'd suggest that you take some time for yourself - IC, or some other kind of activity where you can reconnect with yourself, face your pain and all those triggers for your hurt, and get a sense of what it is YOU really need. Once this is clearer, you'll be in a better position to know whether this is something your H, or your M, can provide - or whether it's something YOU need to provide by being apart from your H.

 

 

Excellent post. I would just say that a year out without active recovery tools only makes things worse. You can't ignore the big pink elephant in the room and then use silence as a way to punish is going to aid in healing. OWoman is right, you have to find you. Find out what you need, what you want, what your limits are. If you don't know that, it will be hard for you to find the direction you want your life to take.

[Owl]

I see value in what Owoman says, but it kind of works the other way too.

 

You shouldn't need meds to help you deal with your marriage...but it's entirely reasonable that you may need meds to help you deal with the crisis that your in right now as a result of your husband's cheating.

 

MC/IC didn't help...and that could have occurred for a couple of reasons. It could have been that your H didn't participate in the counseling as well as he should have. It could have been that you simply had a lousy counselor who didn't know what they were doing. It's really important to "shop around" to find a counselor who DOES work for you...

 

It's up to you to make the choice to keep trying or end the marriage. There's nothing wrong with either choice. It's pretty much equally possible that either not all has been done that can be to save the marriage...or...the damage done was simply to great for you to recover from. Your the won who makes that determination.

 

Personally, I'd suggest you sit and decide whether or not you truly feel there is a chance to rebuild your marriage or not. If you feel that there is a chance...then DO go to the doctor, seek out the meds you need to deal with the crisis, and search again for an EFFECTIVE marriage counselor. If not...then sit your H down, discuss this, and file for divorce.

 

Again, either option is completely understandable...it's all up to you.

[taylor]

My husband and I attended a Retrouvaille (recovery) program soon after D-day.

 

They told us the biggest block that prevents recovery is INABILITY TO FORGIVE.

 

You can sit your husband down and talk to him til the cows come home about the WHYs and the HOW COULD YOU's. He can explain, explain, explain and you can spend hours trying to understand.

 

But even if you have total clarity as to WHY and HOW, it still does not guarantee you will be able to FORGIVE him for what he has done to you and your marriage.

 

Forgiveness is a precious gift.

 

But if you don't have it in you to give, you don't have it to give.

 

It may be years...or NEVER...before you reach a point where you are capable of forgiving him.

 

It doesn't mean something is wrong or lacking if you can't forgive. It just means the assault on your soul was too big, too damaging.

 

But true recovery doesn't happen without it.

[angie2443]

Before finding out about the A I would have never in my wildest thought he was capable of it. He treats me and the kids great, tells me he loves me and our life together daily. The only difference now is we have date night weekly and he kisses ass more!!. I tell him when I am sad and he has apologozed a million times BUT it still hurts and he doesn't want to talk about HER- who lives in our small town and one way or another I either run into her or hear about her. You can visibly see him cringe and the mood changes abrubtly when I throw a dig about about what he did or about their hook up place. Which is hard not to go by since we live in a small town.

 

This entire F'd up situation is just almost unbearable and I really thought since I gave him another chance I would be ok at at least 1 yr out but surprise I am not. I have to say he is entirely transparent and makes sure I know where he is at and who he is with. The phone is always on the counter and he knows I scroll thru and check itemized bill. Now he seems to want to be with me more during free time. I have always given him his guy time and having boys he has always spent almost all his free time with them or us together. His hookup was during day and phone and text's

 

MC really didn't help us much - he cried I cried he begged forgiveness and swore it would never happen again. After each MC I truly didn't feel like it helped - I know why it happened (he was weak) and being a mom I tended to put kids first and us second. We have changed in how we treat our marriage as more important than before when it was on overdrive and if the A never happened I would say he was a great H But it did and I am still pissed at him. I know this sounds stupid but sometimes I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him either!!! CRAZY TRAIN!!

 

I've joined this conservation late, but a couple of things struck me about this post.

 

First, I think it is important to talk about the OW. I think this is hard at first, but becomes easier later on, when the emotions settle down. I wonder if he still has feelings there.

 

The other thing I wonder, like some others here, is how good was your MC. I don't think it helps to talk about problems over and over without a game plan for solving the problems and dealing with future problems that will come up in the marriage later on. If you are not given the skills to deal with future problems that most likely will happen in your marriage, then your husband may go back to cheating again. I'm wondering if your MC did this.

 

One other thing I just thought of is empathy. Do you feel your husband feels empathy for you, or is he just sorry for what he did? There is a differance.

[giotto]

just a slight OT... meds do help and you should not feel guilty about taking them, especially if they help. Having said that, basing your entire marriage on the wonders of zoloft seems a bit extreme to me... it's ok for some time, but it's a big red flag if you rely on it to keep going in your marriage...

[angie2443]

My husband and I attended a Retrouvaille (recovery) program soon after D-day.

 

They told us the biggest block that prevents recovery is INABILITY TO FORGIVE.

 

You can sit your husband down and talk to him til the cows come home about the WHYs and the HOW COULD YOU's. He can explain, explain, explain and you can spend hours trying to understand.

 

But even if you have total clarity as to WHY and HOW, it still does not guarantee you will be able to FORGIVE him for what he has done to you and your marriage.

 

.

 

The one issue that I have with this, is that sometimes the inability to forgive has to do with the fact that the person who caused the hurt, does not understand the extent of the hurt or does not take responsibility for it.

 

My husband ended his friendship with the OW a few years ago. Up until 2 months ago, my husband still felt that there was nothing wrong with the friendship. Then, about 2 months ago, after witnessing a couple of relationships at his work that had simular situations to ours, he finally understood. It was like a light bulb that went off in his head. I still have hurt, but, I have much more positive feelings towards him then I did.

 

I don't think one can get over an affair untill the ws takes responsibility for it and understands just how damaging it was to the bs.

 

Having said this, I do think there are some, that no matter what, can ever heal from an affair. In those cases, I think it's best to just move on.

[taylor]

The one issue that I have with this, is that sometimes the inability to forgive has to do with the fact that the person who caused the hurt, does not understand the extent of the hurt or does not take responsibility for it.

 

My husband ended his friendship with the OW a few years ago. Up until 2 months ago, my husband still felt that there was nothing wrong with the friendship. Then, about 2 months ago, after witnessing a couple of relationships at his work that had simular situations to ours, he finally understood. It was like a light bulb that went off in his head. I still have hurt, but, I have much more positive feelings towards him then I did.

 

I don't think one can get over an affair untill the ws takes responsibility for it and understands just how damaging it was to the bs.

 

Having said this, I do think there are some, that no matter what, can ever heal from an affair. In those cases, I think it's best to just move on.

 

You bring up an excellent point, Angie2443.

 

Hard to forgive someone who doesn't think they did anything wrong, doesn't accept responsibility for it, or doesn't show remorse for the pain it caused.

 

Really hard to forgive someone who doesn't change his ways, either.

 

Something is preventing this BS from forgiving her husband. She needs to explore it...whether it's something he is or isn't doing to earn her forgiveness..or something inside of her that is just preventing her from offering forgiveness to him.

 

I think forgiving someone is a slow, complicated process.

[beyondsad]

Bottom line is I still feel like I am mourning the loss of a loved one. That feeling deep inside no matter what you do when you have lost someone you love so much and know you will never have them back. That is still at 1 yr how I am feeling. Not all the time but it is still there.

 

I hate to say it but H IS doing everything he can to talk, make it up to me, treat me loving but I can't seem to let it go. I appreciate everyone s comments but I think I am venting and know that some additional IC may be in order for me.

 

I want the old me back and this new me is so different. I am really lucky in so many ways and I have always thought of the glass half full so I just need to find my way back to that person. Hopefully time will heal this! Sucks!

[angie2443]

Bottom line is I still feel like I am mourning the loss of a loved one. That feeling deep inside no matter what you do when you have lost someone you love so much and know you will never have them back. That is still at 1 yr how I am feeling. Not all the time but it is still there.

 

I hate to say it but H IS doing everything he can to talk, make it up to me, treat me loving but I can't seem to let it go. I appreciate everyone s comments but I think I am venting and know that some additional IC may be in order for me.

 

I want the old me back and this new me is so different. I am really lucky in so many ways and I have always thought of the glass half full so I just need to find my way back to that person. Hopefully time will heal this! Sucks!

 

I hope time helps heal this for you. Best of luck to you!

[taylor]

Bottom line is I still feel like I am mourning the loss of a loved one. That feeling deep inside no matter what you do when you have lost someone you love so much and know you will never have them back. That is still at 1 yr how I am feeling. Not all the time but it is still there.

 

Grief has no timeline. For proper healing, it's best not to rush it.

 

I do believe an affair changes everything...the BS, the WS, and the marriage. Nothing will ever be the same again.

 

If you are in recovery, your hope is a better, stronger marriage.

 

If you are divorcing, your hope is the ability to move on as a stronger, wiser person.

 

It's the transition that sucks.

 

Hang in there. You will get thru this.

 

 

I hate to say it but H IS doing everything he can to talk, make it up to me, treat me loving but I can't seem to let it go.

 

It's not time to let go yet. You aren't ready. You are still working thru the pain...the loss. IC will definitely help.

[foreal]

"You can visibly see him cringe and the mood changes abrubtly when I throw a dig about what he did or about their hook up place."

 

Maybe throwing digs, at this point, is self destructive to YOU?

 

 

"I hate to say it but H IS doing everything he can to talk, make it up to me, treat me loving but I can't seem to let it go."

 

If you have wanted to speak to him about the OW, and he has refused or dodged etc, for the past year, then perhaps this is what he needs to do to earn your forgiveness? B/c maybe you are the kind of person that needs him to earn your forgiveness in order for you to feel healed?

 

Not everyone sees forgiveness as a 'gift'...