Did anyone ever confront the OW?

[aeh]

For those of you who do not personally know the OP, did you ever arrange to meet them? I did not think I was interested in doing this, but lately this has been on my mind. I was wondering if I should call her and meet her in a public venue for a face to face meeting? I have absolutely no idea what I would say to her, but I am interested in seeing her, perhaps telling her how badly this hurt me, that I don't solely blame her (as it is my H who has the committment to me NOT her!), that I want to forgive them both and eventually move past this. I do want to demystify the A in my mind a bit, put a face to her name, etc. I don't have any ill intentions. Has anyone else ever done this? How did it turn out? What did you say? What did the OP say?

[MistyK]

For those of you who do not personally know the OP, did you ever arrange to meet them? I did not think I was interested in doing this, but lately this has been on my mind. I was wondering if I should call her and meet her in a public venue for a face to face meeting? I have absolutely no idea what I would say to her, but I am interested in seeing her, perhaps telling her how badly this hurt me, that I don't solely blame her (as it is my H who has the committment to me NOT her!), that I want to forgive them both and eventually move past this. I do want to demystify the A in my mind a bit, put a face to her name, etc. I don't have any ill intentions. Has anyone else ever done this? How did it turn out? What did you say? What did the OP say?

 

I can't speak as a BS, but having been through this as an OW, you may want to prepare yourself to 2 possibilities if you decide to meet with her/confront her- 1) the OW will likely lie to protect your H, or 2) She may verbally attack you, give you way too many details, or otherwise "punish" you for "winning" the competition for your H. She may also just seek out details to see if you two are really patching it up or whether there's a chance for her and your H to get back together. Personally, I lied to protect MM. I did not resort to the latter, but I can't say the temptation wasn't there. Not saying it's right, just how I felt.

[aeh]

Thanks, Mistyk, for the response. You are someone I was hoping would respond also since you were an OW. What kind of lies, for example? I am sure she could confer with my H and see what he has told me. They have been NC (as far as I know) for a month now, since D-Day. He thought she might call within the first week or so but it's now been a month and he hasn't heard from her. My H is a walking zombie--no sleep, even on the nights when we are "fine" and cuddling, etc as we go to sleep, I wake up and he's restless and says he can't get out of his head what he did to me, etc. Yes, I am scared as to what I might find out, but think I can take it. I know he told the OW he loved her (he SAYS that was obligatory as he just wanted the sex....we've been over this in another thread:sick:) and he thought that was what would hurt me the most (he only said it in return and it was only a few times in the heat of things...again, whatever ).... But, I still would like to meet her. What did the BS say to you? What should she have said to you? In retrospect, what are your feelings on the meeting?) What did you think of the BS when you met her?

[Reggie]

I met the OM and tried to talk to him. Once, I called him , while I was still trying to figure out what was going on and to inquire if what I had been hearig was true.

He was not too fast on his feet and when I asked him if he was seeing my WW, all he could think of to say was "I am not at liberty to discuss that." So, I had my answer. But, I thought the phrasing was just so weird. Like some script he had memorized.

The next time I met him face to face , on the street. He wanted to get out of there fast and al he could say was "She said you two were having problems. So, she came to me."

From what I have read, the vast majority of these folks simply do not care that they hurt you, nor are they interested in being forgiven. I think it says something about them as human beings. They are unable to empathize with those they have hurt. This is why they become affair partners in the first place. Thye seem to have the ability to fool themselves regarding the rightness of their actions.

It was very frustrating for me, but also very enlightning. I am sure I have hurt others in my life, but, later, I have felt bad about it and aplogized and made restitution. These folks, for the most part, don't have that in them.

[aeh]

Thanks, Reggie. I do know that the OW is Catholic, that she does have some guilt about it. Really, I am not doing it for her, I am doing it for me. To see what she looks like, to see what she sounds like, to hear what she has to say. I was thinking of calling her today, asking her to meet me somewhere, her choice (she might be afraid of meeting me, thinking I am a psycho!!).

[Reggie]

You are not psycho. It is very normal to want to see her and to find things out about her. I cannot predict the results, should she choose to meet. But, I've read a lot of these stories and in only a very few cases does the affair partner realize how much pain they have caused or care.

I am Catholic, as well. I don't think we are any different in this regard.

But, I don't think it does any harm to try. Just be prepared. In most cases, it seems, you are dealing with a very unevolved person.

[Owl]

I'd suggest that calling/confronting the OW isn't likely to accomplish much. Like Reggie, I called OM. It wasn't worth the time...he had no vested interest in my marriage/situation...he had his own agenda. Our discussion didn't really resolve anything.

 

I'd suggest one thing tho...you were concerned that your H is a "walking zombie".

 

I know this sounds horrible, but this really is a good sign.

 

It's a decent indicator that NC is holding firm...that he's going through the "withdrawl phase". It won't last forever. I know it is rough right now...but it's a required step towards recovery.

 

Right now, don't set any high expectations of him meeting your needs, or really wanting to work on the marriage or accept responsibility for what he's done. Just hold him to maintain NC, love him and nurse him through this as best you can, and wait for the next phase to slowly creep in.

 

Keep it up..like I said...it's a good sign, even if it's a rough time right now.

[LaGazelle]

For those of you who do not personally know the OP, did you ever arrange to meet them? I did not think I was interested in doing this, but lately this has been on my mind. I was wondering if I should call her and meet her in a public venue for a face to face meeting? I have absolutely no idea what I would say to her, but I am interested in seeing her, perhaps telling her how badly this hurt me, that I don't solely blame her (as it is my H who has the committment to me NOT her!), that I want to forgive them both and eventually move past this. I do want to demystify the A in my mind a bit, put a face to her name, etc. I don't have any ill intentions. Has anyone else ever done this? How did it turn out? What did you say? What did the OP say?

 

Aeh, I would advise against so much focus on the OW. You say yourself that you have no idea what you would say to her - that means you could go to your "meeting" unprepared and end up getting caught off guard, looking foolish, feeling humiliated or worse, and then torture yourself for it..

 

If she knew your H was married and got involved anyway, I think she already knows she has hurt you. What will you gain by telling her something she already knows? Sympathy?

 

Why all this need to see her? Are you concerned she looks "better" than you? What will you gain by having that confirmed? And what if she looks "worse"? What conclusions would you draw from that?

 

In my case, I got to see a picture of the ONS/OW because she foolishly accessed our FB pages. Apologies for saying this, but I am usually the woman that gets men's attention/interest without effort. Even so, it didn't help me in any way to see that "I wouldn't want to look like her" . All that happened as a result of seeing her photo was, I was "intrigued" that my H, to whom good looks (rightly or wrongly) matter so much, would even bother with her even just for the one night! I certainly didn't want to take notice of her let alone be intrigued by anything about her, so I quickly processed it, then "commanded" myself to drop it, blocked her on FB, and moved forward.

 

So what if I found out he slept with someone he would be embarrassed to have by his side in normal circumstances? I didn't gain too much from knowing that, although one of my initial thoughts when I found out about the ONS, if she is more attractive than me, I will not give him a chance to make things work, because I couldn't bear the possibility that my H might be more attracted to someone he has been with other than me. I couldn't be in a M where my H is forever "looking the other way"

 

Aeh, when someone intrudes a physical boundary, one wouldn't normally invite them to come in even further. Rather the opposite...we push them out. Why do anything differently when our emotional or invisible boundaries are intruded? Your marriage is between you and your husband, and it should be intimate and private, and exclude all others, so far as is reasonably within your control. I would suggest you avoid discussions about your marriage with anyone who is not a friend of your marriage...including/especially the OW. Perhaps the best bet is to explore your interest in seeing the OW with another woman who is a friend of your marriage..prefereably a female infidelity counsellor, who can offer you a well meaning woman's perspective. It is probably better not to involve the OW any further. That doesn't seem like a good use of your efforts to rebuild your marriage.

 

Best of luck.

[silktricks]

I called her but she hung up on me almost as soon as she heard my voice. As many times as she had called our house and hung up as soon as I answered, she knew what I sounded like.

 

I've never heard her voice or really seen her - and like you, I wanted to demystify her in my mind - but it didn't work out... and in all honesty, now I'm just as glad that it didn't. She wasn't the important part of the equation and certainly wasn't worth the energy that was consumed

 

But - I completely understand your desire to see and talk to her. My thing was a little different. I wanted to run into her while with my husband, I wanted to see his reaction so I could better gauge the things he was telling me. After enough time, though, I decided that even if he wasn't telling me "everything" he was telling me enough so that I realized I could begin to place trust in him again.

[aeh]

Thank you for those replies.

 

Thanks, Owl. I respect your opinion. You know, maybe I am being naive, but I don't think my H is walking zombie from withdrawal from the A/OW. I think he is a walking zombie from no sleep and punishing himself for what he did to me/us. I am a bit embarrassed to say this but he has always told me that I was "out of his league", etc. I used to turn quite a few heads, still turn some...so I guess this surprised me even further that HE cheated on ME. I have had a few opportunities to do so in the past and didn't. He is now worried that at some point, because I always viewed him as someone to be faithful and now that he has destroyed that, I will at some point, fall in love with someone else and leave him. I can't say that in my angrier moments I don't think about that. But I do want my marriage to work. So, I guess seeing her is about comparing myself to her in some regard. Might make me feel better, might make me feel worse. LaGazelle, you're right in that I need to focus on making my marriage work and that by focusing on the OW too much, I am not doing that. I actually haven't been super focused on her til now other than that of being the instigator of a lot of self-introspection, and relationship-querying in a phantom sort of way. Now, I long to fill in those missing details. Thanks to you both for your opinions. Anyone else feel differently? Anymore experience with this?

[Spark1111]

I, too, wanted to talk with her and called three times. She never returned the phone calls.

 

After the first one, she called my husband up almost angry I had tried, and mentioned something about possibly running for political office, as if that should scare me off.

 

On the second call, again leaving a message, I let her know I had my husband's full support in contacting her, and just wanted to discuss it maturely, as opposed to running into her on the street. I did not hold any animosity toward her, just wanted to talk like two adults about a very painful experience in all of our lives, her's included. I wanted to close the chapter that was "her and him" once and for all.

 

No reply, nada, zip.

 

My husband too had anxiety regarding my attempts to contact the OW, because of course, he lied to both her and me.

 

The typical cheater lies to the OW are:

.

1. My spouse and I, we no longer connect. She/He just hangs around for a paycheck. We aren't/haven't been physically intimate in weeks, days years. She never listens to me, doesn't care about me.....blah, blah, blah.

 

2. You are everything I want in a woman/man. When my children are older, when I am more financially set, you and I will run off into the sunset together and be soulmates.

 

3. I love you and only you.

 

So she believes his lies and then begins to lie to herself; what a horrible spouse you must have. I too had a horrible, now xspouse. We must be meant to be together; we are two lonely people who just happened to find each other and fall in love. This must be my destiny!

 

aeh, I understand your need to speak with her, but I agree with the others that do not EXPECT any satisfaction from the encounter, should one even take place.

[bentnotbroken]

Spoke with her more times than I can count. It was like banging my head against a brick wall. She hasn't got a clue and trying to make her understand is like trying to train a wooden post to dance. Let it go.

[MistyK]

Thanks, Mistyk, for the response. You are someone I was hoping would respond also since you were an OW. What kind of lies, for example? I am sure she could confer with my H and see what he has told me. They have been NC (as far as I know) for a month now, since D-Day. He thought she might call within the first week or so but it's now been a month and he hasn't heard from her. My H is a walking zombie--no sleep, even on the nights when we are "fine" and cuddling, etc as we go to sleep, I wake up and he's restless and says he can't get out of his head what he did to me, etc. Yes, I am scared as to what I might find out, but think I can take it. I know he told the OW he loved her (he SAYS that was obligatory as he just wanted the sex....we've been over this in another thread:sick:) and he thought that was what would hurt me the most (he only said it in return and it was only a few times in the heat of things...again, whatever ).... But, I still would like to meet her. What did the BS say to you? What should she have said to you? In retrospect, what are your feelings on the meeting?) What did you think of the BS when you met her?

 

In my case, the BS already knew what I looked like because I jog in our neighborhood. After the EA became undeniable, MM admitted EA, but a year later continues to deny PA. Anyway, she called me late one night not long after d-day when she and MM were arguing. She demanded to know whether we had sex. I lied and said no, repeatedly. She asked me whether or not he told me he loved me, and because I knew he already confessed that, I told her yes. I also told her I was in love with him. She told me that her H was screwing other OW (which was a lie to scare me off). I told her that I was very sorry for her pain, then she said some other nasty things to me and hung up. In all of this, MM and I maintained our R just as before, but he was swearing to her that we had no contact. He just hid it better. She tried to bluff him a dew times about getting their local home phone records, but he knew his facts and never fell for it.

 

I am sure he told her he wanted to work on the M (though he denied it to me, I know he lied), and part of that was denying contact with me. But, I just got him a cellphone on my account and we didn't miss a beat. Supposedly he refused all her attempts at "hysterical bonding". I remember being shocked that right after d-day she seemed to want him so bad. He didn't sleep well during these months either. I do believe he genuinely felt bad for hurting her, just not enough to give me up because according to him his M was qualitatively "over" for about 5 years.

 

As far as what I thought of BS - two things. For one, it made me question what he told me about her. I had built up a lot of inappropriate borrowed anger towards her for what I felt was her mistreatment of him (as described by MM), and that sort of fell away when I talked to her. I didn't ask her anything. I felt icky for lying, but I felt like I was protecting her feelings. After all, MM was telling me he planned to leave her anyway (which he did 9 months later), so I didn't want to rub salt in the wound. Supposedly he wanted his leaving to be about the marriage problems, not the A, so it was important to him to keep shifting focus away from the A. (Also- I knew he would hate me if I admitted to her about the PA, and I knew he'd keep denying it, and she'd believe him anyway, so what would have been the point?) Had she come at me calmy, not in the heat of an argument with him, I might have been more inclined to tell her the truth, but I still probably wouldn't have.

 

Second, it made her more real to me. Previously she had been this woman I'd seen around occasionally, but I didn't know anything about her. Here was this woman screaming in my ear and I knew I deserved it. I felt bad, but not bad enough to discontinue the A at that point.

 

BS then made it her mission to find out everything she could about me. She hired a PI and snuggled up with my exH's family and x-coworkers. It's like she needed to prove to herself that she was better than me. (I get that aspect - It's the same reason why i needed to hate her for mistreating him - I needed to feel better than her because then I didn't feel so bad about him constantly choosing her over me). But this quest of hers created many more problems than it solved i think. In many ways i think the obsession makes her more miserable because I don't have a shadowy past for her to unerath. She's feeling so awful about herself already and it seems like the more she tries to find dirt on me unsuccessfully, the more competitive and unhappy she gets.

 

It culminated a few weeks ago (MM had been moved out for months by then) when she pulled up in front of my house and screamed at me in front of my kids that I was a whore and informed my neighbors) who were all outside) that I had an A with her husband. I must admit, I don't think too much of her after that. All the neigbors think she's insane now, so it probably wasn't a good move on her part. But people do strange things when they're upset.

 

If you go looking into the OW, just be prepared for whatever you may find. She may not be a bad person, a whore, etc. In fact, she's likely to be a lot like you because men pick out women that share certain characteristics. Even my MM says that she and I are alike in some ways - and that is a tough pill for both of us to swallow because of all the emotions involved.

[Reggie]

The cruelty displayed in Misty's post is mind boggling to me. That poor woman. She must have felt like she was losing her mind.

[jj33]

Aeh I would say if you could move on with out meeting her, that is preferable.

 

She has NO obligation to meet you. If the affair is really over, she may feel its a chapter of her life she does not want to reopen. She may not even return your calls. That will make you more upset.

 

If she does she may apologize to you. Would that be enough?

 

And what if you see her and she is a lovely person? Seems to me you would want to make her feel as guilty as possible and ask her again and again how she could do this to you. She may not be up for that.

 

What if she is more attractive than you are? What if she is more educated? Wittier? More poised, more charming? These are only external characteristics, but you may find yourself haunted by them.

 

As Misty says I would not go there. Your issue is with your H. He is the one who cheated on you.

 

I have met xMMs W on several occasions since the affair ended. We speak on the phone from time to time. We are always cordial to one another. She knows who I am and we have NEVER discussed the affair. EVER.

[2sure]

Although I did call and speak to OW (ahem, several) I would not recommend arranging or even hoping to arrange a face to face meeting.

Contact was crucial, so that I could tell her that the affair was no longer secret and that I wanted her to know that she was no longer to participate in my life. I didnt blame, I didnt ask questions. I think the phone call, and my introducing myself made me tangible & real to her.

 

I have also been OW. When I was, I felt that my relationship with MM was simply that. I did not realize that it included his wife. I did not feel like I was doing anything to her. In fact, had she called me I would have felt violated and been angry with MM that he did not use enough discretion to protect me.

 

Yep. I had no idea what I was doing until I remarried and it happened to me. So, chances are that the OW you speak of my feel, if not hostile then at least defensive. To offer her your forgiveness could be met with further insult to you.

 

She is no longer part of your life. You fixed that. Do not re-invite her or give her the impression that she is still a participant. The more you focus on her (or your feelings about her) the more she IS still participating in your marriage.

[LadyDi]

I met MM's W after a D-Day, she insisted the 3 of us meet so she could hear him tell me it was over. He begged me before the meeting to not admit to anything. I know you mentioned they have been in NC so that probably won't be a factor.

 

We met in a parking lot, she instructed him to "tell her" and "give back the phone" etc., and MM did everything she told him to do. It was similar to watching a mother and child. Quite enlightening to see this side of him....

 

I told her I was sorry for the pain, and especially if their kids suffered. That's all I said, just listened as she vented and berated me. I normally wouldn't take that kind of verbal abuse, but I had wronged her and she derserved that moment. But I will tell you this. That was her one shot at me. I'm done with that.

 

What did I think of the meeting? I wouldn't and won't do anything like that again. It didn't make anything right. I don't know if it made her feel better or not. It hasn't changed much for me either....so it's pretty much your call. Good Luck in whatever you decide.

[Reggie]

I think there is a tendency to assign qualities to an affair partner that do not exist. In general, these folks do not consider the effects on their actions toward the betrayed or the family. I know this is difficult to understand for peole that would not have an affair. But, they are a very different breed of cat, hopefully, to be avoided in one's personal life.

I have acquaintences that are cheaters and they do not display integrity or empathy in other areas of their lives , either.

[MistyK]

And you know this how? Because the lying MM told you so?

 

Point taken, but honestly he didn't have time. He'd spend a minimum of 3 hours on the phone with me everyday, working and then he was at home. As we live in the same neighborhood, I'd know when he was home. But yeah, he's a real jerk either way.

[MistyK]

I think there is a tendency to assign qualities to an affair partner that do not exist. In general, these folks do not consider the effects on their actions toward the betrayed or the family. I know this is difficult to understand for peole that would not have an affair. But, they are a very different breed of cat, hopefully, to be avoided in one's personal life.

I have acquaintences that are cheaters and they do not display integrity or empathy in other areas of their lives , either.

 

You know, it is possible for people to make mistakes. And it's also possible not to be a totally immoral, unfeeling, selfish jerk in many areas of life, but still be one in a marriage. After all, if cheaters were all bad in every aspect of life, the BW's wouldn't take them back, now would they?

 

I'm going to go slink back to the "other forum" now.

[foreal]

Unfortunately, i knew the MOW. We weren't best friends, but still, I knew her well enough to send Christmas cards, etc.

 

After Dday, I called her from H's phone, she picked up instantly and as soon as she heard my voice, hung up.

 

I texted her, asking politley to please tell me when this A started (H was lying about how long it was going on, I could tell, but it took him a few weeks to come clean, rather for me to discover the truth thru phone records and motel receipts etc)...

 

she sent me the most self absorbed, patronizing responce..I can't even repeat it as it was sooo lame and again, patronizing..BARF! Finally I told her I was gonna tell her H, her work, her family etc and she STILL lied and kept up the gee whiz sorry if I hurt you BS.

 

I finally confronted her at her work and man was she surprised...she was scared and asked pathetically, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS??" Hey dumb bitc*, b/c you screwed my Husband (she is no rocket scientist)..she just ran from me then called my H boo hooing that she was scared! BARF AGAIN!!

 

In any case, it is pointless to confront these OW. They are selfish, self absorbed and mostly pathetic sad women. Much like the MM they get involved with.....

 

It is really hard to NOT focus on them, but listen to the other posters....try try try to NOT get sucked in. She cannot help you heal.

 

I fantasized a lot about getting even with her...I told her H but she covered and he did not believe me (OUCH), he believed her so they are together...now I am closer to NOT giving a damn about her.

 

In the end, I've decided to leave her alone (in my mind etc) as she will limp along in her miserable marriage....and at some point the Karma bus will handle her....I am pretty sure her H will dump her once she hits her 40s...I knew him too and he fits that mold.

 

In any case, the OW needs to be ancient history....focus on your marriage, if that is what you want...she's already been way too involved in your marriage...the OW is an unsitely tumor that should be cut out and thrown away with Thursday's trash collection.

[Mr. Lucky]

For those of you who do not personally know the OP, did you ever arrange to meet them? I did not think I was interested in doing this, but lately this has been on my mind. I was wondering if I should call her and meet her in a public venue for a face to face meeting? I have absolutely no idea what I would say to her, but I am interested in seeing her, perhaps telling her how badly this hurt me, that I don't solely blame her (as it is my H who has the committment to me NOT her!), that I want to forgive them both and eventually move past this. I do want to demystify the A in my mind a bit, put a face to her name, etc. I don't have any ill intentions. Has anyone else ever done this? How did it turn out? What did you say? What did the OP say?

I think you've gotten much good advice in this thread. Like many, I spoke to the OM but but got very little satisfaction from the coversation.

 

I think the misconception many of us carried into the encounter was that we were on some search for the "truth". In reality, I already knew. And I came to understand that anything he could tell me wasn't going to change the fact that my W had cheated. Knowing any additional details, motivations, times, places or lies wouldn't really have any added value. And if your desire is indeed to move on you may find the whole experience - which just serves to give the A prolonged life - is counterproductive. You'll learn much, much more from your spouse and his post-affair conduct than the OW could ever tell you. Just my two cents...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Reggie]

You know, it is possible for people to make mistakes. And it's also possible not to be a totally immoral, unfeeling, selfish jerk in many areas of life, but still be one in a marriage. After all, if cheaters were all bad in every aspect of life, the BW's wouldn't take them back, now would they?

 

I'm going to go slink back to the "other forum" now.

 

As one of my mentors, a fine attorney used to often say to the judges he was appearing in fornt of "Your honor, there are misdemeanors and there are MISDEMEANORS."

I think labeling the decision to have an affair, affecting so many others in such a profound way, can hardly be classified as a "mistake".

 

And, no, people that are kind and considerate of others in other areas of their lives are seldom, if ever, jerks in their marriages. People that really have these qulaities act consistently. If you look hard enough, you can see the subterfuge of those presenting a fals front. Problem is an affair partner has not seen the mask come off, yet.

Often, those protrayed as jerks are reacting in their marriage to the abuse that is being perpetrated on them, cheating being the tip of the iceberg of abuse.

Then, of course, their is the issue of the accuracy of the portrayal issue which is impacted by the need to justify and the known lack of integrity of the cheater.

[Reggie]

I think you've gotten much good advice in this thread. Like many, I spoke to the OM but but got very little satisfaction from the coversation.

 

I think the misconception many of us carried into the encounter was that we were on some search for the "truth". In reality, I already knew. And I came to understand that anything he could tell me wasn't going to change the fact that my W had cheated. Knowing any additional details, motivations, times, places or lies wouldn't really have any added value. And if your desire is indeed to move on you may find the whole experience - which just serves to give the A prolonged life - is counterproductive. You'll learn much, much more from your spouse and his post-affair conduct than the OW could ever tell you. Just my two cents...

 

 

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree. How many affair partners have you seen come forward to apologize and disclose the truth? Very rare. Generally, they avoid facing what they have done.

And , knowing the details, the frequency etc would not have helped me. I knew most of the truth, enough to know what had gone on , for the most part.

[PhoenixRise]

In my case the OW was not local.

 

I did have some conversations on the phone with her..some initiated by me...some initiated by her.

 

For me talking to her was a good thing. It helped me put her in context. It helped me know what I was dealing with.

 

Now if you are at all insecure about yourself or your relationship you shouldn't do it. In my case OW DID try to hurt me. I think she wanted to punish me for being married to my H and therefore in her way and she wanted to punish me for being a "bad wife". I laughed at her and it drove her crazy.

 

It is true that at some point you have to stop focusing on the OW. Dwelling on her for too long will give her power over you that she doesn't deserve. But I do understand your need to confront her. If you do, just don't expect too much from her and be careful that you don't open yourself up to being hurt even more.