Wife's Male Friend

[goose9]

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 kids. She does some free-lance work with a guy who has his own business whom I know she thinks is pretty good-looking. They call, e-mail, and text eachother pretty often and have gone out to lunch and even shopping a few times. They do have a lot in common. (Obviously, I'm not a very jealous person.) By the way, I've met him and think he is nice and do like him, too. He, himself, is married. I trust my wife and truly believe that nothing has happened between them to this point. Our marriage has had a few problems, but overall has been pretty good. My question is -- is it possible for a man and woman to be close and remain just friends -- or is something bound to happen between the two of them?

[Owl]

Are you included in this friendship? Is there any issue with you going shopping with them, out to lunch with them?

 

Do you have any reason to believe that she's not sharing all that goes on between them?

 

What "boundaries" does she have around what she WON'T share with him?

 

It's REMOTELY possible that they could remain platonic friends...for a time.

 

It's HIGHLY UNLIKELY that they can continue a close friendship between them, spending a decent amount of PERSONAL interaction without you...without this escalating to an affair.

[2sure]

I know for sure it is possible because although I am married , my best friend to this day is a guy. My H has no problem with that.

 

But also know that many affairs happen "by accident" with people who work together closely.

 

I would be ok with my spouse being great fiends with someone of the opposite sex and them doing things together once in awhile OR my spouse professionally working closely and maybe privately with a person of the opposite sex on a regular basis. But not both.

 

It would be an appropriate request to be honest and tell your wife you are feeling some misgivings and would prefer that since they are working together so much, that they ease off a bit on the not professionally related activities.

[Untouchable_Fire]

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 kids. She does some free-lance work with a guy who has his own business whom I know she thinks is pretty good-looking. They call, e-mail, and text eachother pretty often and have gone out to lunch and even shopping a few times. They do have a lot in common. (Obviously, I'm not a very jealous person.) By the way, I've met him and think he is nice and do like him, too. He, himself, is married. I trust my wife and truly believe that nothing has happened between them to this point. Our marriage has had a few problems, but overall has been pretty good. My question is -- is it possible for a man and woman to be close and remain just friends -- or is something bound to happen between the two of them?

 

I would say no.

 

You need to set boundaries with her. If she does have an affair with this guy... what do you plan to do about it?

[Andy L]

I hope there's nothing "bad' with them.

 

Being friends doesn't mean they will be lovers, but its a dangerous situation, some kind of temptation...

 

BTW i like your calm "style", not jealous... If they become other "thing", it won't be the end of your world.

 

But take care, i wouldn't like your heartbroken anyway!

 

All the best:cool:

[angie2443]

From my experience, having a close opposite sex friend when you are married can endanger your marriage. This is expecially true when the marriage hits a rough spot or there is a lul in the marriage.

 

What does your gut say about this friendship?

[carhill]

My question is -- is it possible for a man and woman to be close and remain just friends -- or is something bound to happen between the two of them?

 

In your situation, being fully disclosed, it is possible to have a satisfying platonic relationship. I would encourage you to suggest to your wife that, as part of that friendship, you and she and the other gentleman and his wife get together periodically, like dinner at each other's homes, and develop a friendly rapport.

 

My main yellow flag here is she and he shopping together, predicated upon the reality that you and they don't know each other well. To me, that would seem a bit inappropriate. Now, if they were shopping for a birthday present for you, and she was getting a guy's input, that's a different story

[Dexter Morgan]

My wife and I have been married for 10 years and have 2 kids. She does some free-lance work with a guy who has his own business whom I know she thinks is pretty good-looking. They call, e-mail, and text eachother pretty often and have gone out to lunch and even shopping a few times.

 

She is taking this past business. the texting, going to lunch, and shopping are inappropriate.

 

I think you need to crack the whip, and I bet you anything, she has had sex with him, or at the very least, improper interactions.

 

 

I trust my wife and truly believe that nothing has happened between them to this point.

 

how do you know? they go out together without you don't they? shopping?? please. don't be a fool.

 

 

Our marriage has had a few problems, but overall has been pretty good. My question is -- is it possible for a man and woman to be close and remain just friends

 

only if there is absolutely no attraction...but you already told us that she IS attracted to him.

 

 

-- or is something bound to happen between the two of them?

 

I'd venture to bet something already has.

[choklit]

It depends.......I have had very appropriate friendships with men in the past. However, had a friend for ten years(met shortly before we both married). We lived in the same city, our now spouses in another at that time, and we'd have dinners, were in each others' homes, and never had inappropriate conversations or anything. Once married, our spouses and children were always involved. Unfortunately, last year we both were having difficult times and trusted each other for advice. BUT, our conversations became more frequent, more personal, and emotions began to deepen. The emotional affair lasted for a few months, then led to a physical affair. If you are in suspicion, something may be wrong. PLEASE discuss those suspicions with her!! Does she share email or text messages with you? Is she glued to her cell phone and do you have access to the bill? Does she have conversations with him in your presence? Trust me, if you asked to log into her cell phone account or questioned a new service with the company and she freaks out.....something is wrong!

[Owl]

And that's the point...if there aren't SOLID, STRONG, CLEARLY DEFINED BOUNDARIES in what she discusses with him...it can and likely will lead to an emotional affair, just as happened in Choklit's case.

 

And, as Dex said...if it hasn't happened already.

[carhill]

Unfortunately, last year we both were having difficult times and trusted each other for advice. BUT, our conversations became more frequent, more personal, and emotions began to deepen. The emotional affair lasted for a few months, then led to a physical affair.

Carrying Owl's assertion further, once appropriate boundaries are in place, they must be maintained. I imagine the EA and PA didn't take place in full view of the respective spouses/SO's, so, something was changed. That's where the dynamic broke down. IMO, the OP, rather than assuming the worst, without evidence, should move proactively to work with his W to establish maintainable boundaries and promote their maintenance. It's up to her to do her part. If she has been loyal and trustworthy, then there is no reason nor basis to imply any change. Move forward in a positive manner to maintain that dynamic of trust.

[Snowflower]

 

only if there is absolutely no attraction...but you already told us that she IS attracted to him.

 

I'd venture to bet something already has.

 

I agree with Dex-

 

The the only way male/female friendships can remain platonic is if there is no romantic/sexual attraction on the part of either 'friend.' This applies whether the friends are married (to other people) or both single.

 

OP - You said your wife has some attraction for her male friend...this could be snakebite if your marriage ever hits a rough patch.

[Maladjusted]

The fact that you are even posting about it means you must already have some reservations about their friendship.

 

Where I you I would put the kabosh on this friendship. Too close to home for me.

[carhill]

. She does some free-lance work with a guy who has his own business whom I know she thinks is pretty good-looking.

 

OP - You said your wife has some attraction for her male friend

 

So, are you attracted to every person you objectively 'think' is good-looking? Is the OP's wife? I doubt it. In fact, I'd be curious to know exactly how the OP's wife communicated this revelation to him.

[goose9]

Sorry, let me clarify -- any shopping/lunches they've done together has been pretty much work-related. I have met him and his wife a few times. He makes their marriage sound a little iffy. My wife doesn't seem overly concerned about concealing their correspondence, though I really haven't pried too much, either. I feel quite sure that nothing has happened between them to this point, but I was more concerned with whether or not other people (that's you all) felt something was likely to happen at some point -- in other words, how far along the naive/paranoid scale I fall. As far as creating boundaries with her, I feel the only boundary to cross would be for the two of them to have an affair.

 

Thanks for taking the time to give me your input. I really appreciate it.

[Phateless]

My ex had a very close friendship with a guy that is now her bf. I was totally cool about it too, until it got to a certain point. Instead of respectfully backing off she defended everything and we fought about it.

 

I think trust is important and platonic friendships are possible, but trust your instincts above all else.

[SRV]

I agree with Dex-

 

The the only way male/female friendships can remain platonic is if there is no romantic/sexual attraction on the part of either 'friend.' This applies whether the friends are married (to other people) or both single.

 

OP - You said your wife has some attraction for her male friend...this could be snakebite if your marriage ever hits a rough patch.

 

The above is very subjective.

 

Women bond to men from a different angle, as opposed to how we men bond to women. For the women, the number one being from verbal communication angle and the rest as they say is/might be history

[2sure]

Personal Boundaries that make your mate comfortable and protect the marriage are to be put in place so as to prevent an inkling of an affair.

Having no boundaries except dont have an affair, is not a good place to start.

[goose9]

She told me after she met him for the first time. She knows I don't feel threatened by stuff like that.

[Owl]

She told me after she met him for the first time. She knows I don't feel threatened by stuff like that.

 

But something has caused you to feel that way this time, or else you wouldn't have posted here asking for this advice.

 

What's changed?

[Snowflower]

The above is very subjective.

 

Women bond to men from a different angle, as opposed to how we men bond to women. For the women, the number one being from verbal communication angle and the rest as they say is/might be history

 

 

Attractions, boundaries, affairs are all very subjective, unfortunately. That is what makes them so insidious.

[carhill]

Having no boundaries except dont have an affair, is not a good place to start.

 

Good advice, OP. Take it to heart. Even if you're incredibly laid-back and trust her implicitly, there's no harm in clearly communicating boundaries. You can do this in a positive way, like a team effort. Women can have positive and satisfying relationships with men whom they are not sexual/emotional with as long as they (the women, using this case as the example) promote clear boundaries for themselves and their relationships/friendships. If you can have a clear and calm discussion with her about this, telling her how you feel, I think you can find a resolution.

 

Neither you nor she has any control over the other man here. You can only control yourselves. Think in terms of you, your wife and your marriage. That's the priority. Her responsibility is to prioritize your M the same way you do. Hope it works out

[goose9]

Nothing has really changed, per se, except that they know eachother a lot better now than they did theen, obviously. I guess what I've been asking pretty much is "Am I nuts for not being more concerned?" When I was younger, I WAS jealous and paranoid when it came to my girlfriends and some did end up cheating on and/or dumping me. (Welcome to the club, right?) So, I know being like that doesn't help matters any. But is it possible for a woman to resent you for not being jealous enough? I don't want to push her in that direction either. Of course, it's one thing to be talking about a high school relationship as compared with a marriage and all the "entanglements" therein -- like kids and a house, etc.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I feel quite sure that nothing has happened between them to this point, but I was more concerned with whether or not other people (that's you all) felt something was likely to happen at some point -- in other words, how far along the naive/paranoid scale I fall. As far as creating boundaries with her, I feel the only boundary to cross would be for the two of them to have an affair.

 

I vote more on the paranoid scale. From personal experience... and it seems others are verifying this... that this crap can be friendly for 12 years, then get physical really quick.

 

I suppose having this hang over your head will keep you on your toes. Better not forget an anniversary!

 

What exactly is your affair boundary... is phone sex Ok?

[confusedinkansas]

2 of my very best friends for YEARS were men. (they have both since moved to other cities & I do miss them)

BUT, they were kind of my husbands friends first - on a small scale. My H wasn't threatened by either - I was not sexually attracted to either.

Here's a double standard for you....But I believe it to be true......I don't think that married men can be JUST FRIENDS with woman - But I think most married women know where the bounderies are, set them & keep them.