The strangest reaction

[aeh]

I thought I had been married to the most wonderful man. He treated me well, seemed very in love with me, and I would have always described him as "a good man". Last weekend, fifteen minutes after his mom arrived for her yearly visit, I went to pick up his phone to text our son and discovered some incriminating emails. Never suspected a thing. I was/am completely devastated. I was able to get through the weeklong visit with him mom and act somewhat normal although I am sure that she detected something was "off". The day that she left I confronted him about it. He initially told me they were just flirty emails and inappropriate conversations. As the truth came out, yes, there was kissing and some fondling on both sides during their lunchtime trysts in random parking lots. This lasted for six months and she is a former employee of his company and also married. Frankly, I am not sure if I know the whole truth, but this is all I can handle right now and I have no proof otherwise and he'll just deny it anyway.

 

What is the most puzzling has been my reaction. I always thought if I ever had a spouse that cheated I would be so done with him. My anger is a quiet inner rage and I would say the main emotion to come out of me is an utter and profound sadness. Besides the obvious betrayal, the other part of the inner rage is that as a stay at home mom who is either with kids, other moms or by myself all day (I have 7-10 hours alone every day) is that while he works in offices with other women all these years, he has known that I am "safe" and "unthreatening". I used to have men hit on me ALL the time, but admittedly with a few extra pounds (10-15) that happens a lot less. (Good news, is that I have lost 12 pounds since finding out) My initial reaction is that I wanted to go out and have an affair of my own and show him how it feels. Even just a one night stand and then tell him, "Mulitply that by six months and then you can begin to have an idea of all the pain and questions and despair you have caused me!" I know it is petty and childish and totally not in my character to do that, but I did have this overwhelming desire to get back at him in that way...and maybe for my own knowledge that I still could be desirable to someone else. In truth, I do have an old boyfriend who lives just a few streets over and is single and I have friends who have told me that he has said I was the love of his life. In all honesty, I have no desire to be with this guy but it has definitely crossed my mind many many many times in the days since finding out about my husband's affair.

 

The other really weird thing about my reaction has been that I have been wanting to have sex constantly since finding out. I want to be close to someone. And I think it is anger that is channeled into passion. It's like I'm not a 38 year old mother of preteens anymore but a 21 year old with raging hormones! Ironically, a few months back, I had been feeling very lonely and had been thinking about how I need to get involved in some things, and actually laughed to myself thinking, "Wow, I would be a perfect candidate to go have an affair. This must be how those things get started!" Of course, I would never do it. Little did I know that my husband was out having his perfect affair (I say this because he never worked late, called me throughout the day to check on me--just as he was doing to her too--and was meeting her for lunches so I never would have suspected a thing) and making time in his work day for someone else. Anyway, I digress....so here I am almost "rewarding" him for having the affair by having crazy passionate sex with him as many times as I can. I know it's either channeling the passion that way, or imploding with anger and that is the end of us. Strangely, it's only been ONE week since D-Day, and I do feel like I am able to look at the affair in an objective light, somewhat, and think that we will come out stronger than we were before. Not that we were so bad off before (or so I thought--ha!), but that maybe we took each other for granted.

 

Had to get that off my chest. Has anyone else ever wanted to eff someone's brains out after finding out?

[bentnotbroken]

It's called hysterical bonding. It is a normal and natural reaction to finding out about an affair.

[aeh]

Also wanted to say that my husband says there was no emotion involved, even though they were messing around and that he never thought about leaving me, still wants to be married and seems very sorry. I find it hard to believe that there was no emotion involved if he was seeing her for six months and calling her to see what she was doing during the day, etc. They had tried to stop it once before and then resumed it. He says it was "just fun". He has been making an effort to meet me for lunch every day, whether it be coming home or meeting me out...I'm sure it's an effort to not have me worried sick at the lunch hour.

 

The other thing I wonder is...will I/do I love him less? Will this passion end and then I will be left with just bitterness? Will other men become more attractive to me now that the world has been turned upside down?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

The other thing I wonder is...will I/do I love him less? Will this passion end and then I will be left with just bitterness?

I believe that it's very possible that you will love him less much of that depends on how the reconcilliation goes, I think you will love him differently in any case.

 

Will other men become more attractive to me now that the world has been turned upside down?

 

Possibly, especially their attention. AEH, its quite possible to go down the wrong road here. Having an affair is not the answer, it won't help any of your feelings or help to reestablish your marriage if that is something you plan to do. Its a hard row for both of you. I completely understand the sentiment though as well as the desire to proove yourself...well, desirable!

 

As for the sex drive, that's completely ordinary as odd as it seems... there is an old post on here, one the first I read on LS but I cannot seem to find it in search. It was written by a BS who was an attorney and descibed the stages she went through post Dday, her description of the pornstar phase made me laugh out loud.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

It was written by a BS who was an attorney and descibed the stages she went through post Dday, her description of the pornstar phase made me laugh out loud.

 

So much for my memory... I did finally find it.

 

She doesn't call it the porn star phase and it originates from another site, but this was the most accurate post explaining what a BS will deal with I've read. Made me feel not quite as crazy!

 

It's worth the read.

 

A look into the mind of a Betrayed Spouse.... - LoveShack.org Community Forums

[foreal]

AEH

 

I am sorry you are going thru this-

 

There is another site you might want to check out: survivinginfidelity.com that may provide you with more insight/support/relief. It has helped me a lot.

 

Yes, you are normal. I am 2 1/2 months post Dday and the HB (Hysterical Bonding) is totally normal..I felt as if I were a dog peeing on my territory at times....I would be intimate with my WH (wayward husband..unfortunatly you will become all too familiar with these acronyms) and then be pissed that I was. I have yet to have an Orgasm since Dday....

 

Don't beat yourself up over it- if you feel like doing 'it' then do it. If not, say no.

 

I don't mean to scare you, but your husband probably has more to tell you. 6 months of an Affair with no emotional attachment? Even if he did not feel 'in love' with the OW, he was still emotionally attached to her. He may not even know it/realize it yet. He was certainly attached to the FEELINGS the affair provided him.

 

But please know, there is probably more...it is called Trickle Truth. The cheater can't bring themsleves to divulge everything at once...for varying reasons..sometimes it is b/c they are in love (or think they are) with the OW...sometimes it is b/c they know they want their marriage and know if you find out EVERYTHING and the extent of it all, they will have no chance at reconciliation...these are their thoughts...we, as the betrayed spouce, just want the TRUTH so we can determine our own fate (b/c obviosly we were not involved with the affair partner and had no idea what the hell was happening in our own life)

 

MY WH took a month to get it all out- and it was torture. I would ask him "Please tell me if there is anything else!" and he'd say 'that's all! That's all'...but that was not all.

 

It is more common that the Trickle Truth is used than them spilling everything at once. And every time more truth came out, it became more painful, slammed me back to the beginning..sometimes I felt as though I was in deep water, trying to stay afloat and each of his 'truths' (and some of them I found out b/c I became a detective) it was as though he was pushing my head back under water to drown me...

 

So brace yourself.

 

I'd recommend you get 2 books right away: "Not Just Friends" and "After the Affair" .

 

You are in for a roller coaster of emotions. I am so sorry to tell you that.

 

As for the Revenge Affair...oh yes, that is normal too..how can your husband possible know the real pain he has caused? I went out and picked up a really attractive man at a bar..it took all of 1 hour for me to find someone else- I did not sleep with him, but we hung out till 5am and made out (yes it was weird, but it was thrilling too..I wanted to see what my WH was getting..it was yucky to me, but at the same time, thrilling..ugh..which drove my WH crazy....I let him believe I slept with this guy....for awhile...and just like you, I swear, you could have been ME! I said to him " Now take that and multiply it by 10 months *******!"....(My WH origianly told me it was 2 months...but it was 10). I eventually told him we just kissed, but then I told him later I gave the guy a BJ....then retracted....I wanted my WH to feel my pain. For awhile he did not know what to believe..gee just like ME! But my reality is totally shot..his was just shot down for a moment..

 

In a way I am glad I did go and make out with this other guy...My WH and I have been together for 20 years..I felt like, hey, I can get a man, and they do find me attractive! Besides, WH got to feel sexy and pursued so why not me?

 

But in the end I knew that if I wanted to give my Marriage ANY shot, I had to stop this way of thinking..but I do think it helped get my WH out of his fog to see whoa, she is serious and I seriously F'd up!!

 

Also, get a counselor or therapist you feel good with. You will need it. And obviously your WH does too..also, Marriage counceling..All have helped us bigtime (but be sure you find an experienced, competent one!! You may have to go thru a couple to get one you like)

 

I hope some if this helps..hang on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride...

[aeh]

Foreal, you're right. I knew it but didn't want to know it. I got the rest out of him this morning. It was sex (he was telling me it was less), weekly or twice weekly since last August so almost a year now and he had been telling me it was six months. They had told each other they loved each other, but he says he didn't mean it, was only after the sex. I'm destroyed. Absolutely, completely destroyed. The HB has stopped. We were having sex this morning before all this came out and I just knew he had done it with her. I couldn't even finish I was so sick so I guess my crazy desire is gone now.

 

I don't know what this means for our marriage. I have never wanted to go outside our marriage but I feel that's the only way I can erase those images of them in my head. I know it's stupid, reckless. You have no idea how contrary this is to the life I normally lead, but at this point, I can completely see HUGE value in being with someone else and I truthfully think I can totally separate myself from this and not feel bad about it later. I need to feel loved, wanted, desirable again. The only reason I am staying at this point is because of the kids. I do still love him, but it is so difficult to imagine ever getting over this. I was crushed at the thought of it just being flirting, then the idea of it being just fondling and kissing. ha, what a fool. I don't drink or do drugs, can't imagine the alcohol it would take to make me drown out these sorrows. I can totally see how people have addictions now. I have never understood it before, but so many things are clear to me. Those people are broken, like I am. How I wish I could find someone attractive to sleep with!

[foreal]

I am so sorry aeh!

 

Gawd it hurts, I know!

 

Please seek counceling and support- I only told one close friend...but I needed to tell someone other than a shrink. But choose who you tell wisely....really consider who- you need a friend of your marriage, not just a friend to you to confide in. I have a great IC (I was with another who just did not get it..this new one is great and has helped me soooo much) We also have a MC and my WH is in IC as well....it is all so overwelming...

 

If there is no friend you can tell, then don't say anything to anyone other than a councelor..but please do find one.

 

Also, and this is awful, you need to go to your doctor and get tested for STDs...so does your husband. Mine insisted he always used a condom, but they also had oral sex....and even a 7th grader knows that condoms are not fail-safe. It totally stinks!!

 

My doc prescribed valium for me for the first two weeks..I was a wreck, had trouble getting my daily stuff done including being a mom.

 

But the valium flipped me out- made me RAGE really badly.

 

I switched to Xanax.

 

It will be 3 months since I found out in another 2 weeks..but I did not get the WHOLE truth for another month, so really I am only 2 months out...I take the Xanax now sporadically.....I was eating the valium for the first two weeks..oh wait, make that 4 weeks!!! I forgot!

 

You need to know that you did not cause this. Your husband made a horrible choice (rather series of them).

 

I am so sorry, I wish I could give you a hug.

 

Be prepared to drop some weight...I don't know how your weight is now, but I've dropped 25 pounds w/o trying...people keep asking, "WOW How'd you do it??!" and my standard answer is "portion control"..of course they dont know by that I mean I am unable to eat much at all....my appetite is back a bit now, but at this point I am still unable to chow....

 

I am now thin. I wasn't fat before, just had some extra chub that was taking forever to come off after my last baby! So at least I look great (although my face has aged).

 

Have you checked out survivinginfidelity.com yet?

 

I am unable to post there anymore as I got the boot for calling the OW a 'skanky ho' in the wrong forum (yea, they are strict) but I go there to read the healing library and posts from others who are going thru this too as well as the different stages they are in....

 

Again, I am so sorry. I would not wish this pain on anyone (except OW).

 

Is your husband being supportive?

 

He needs to write a No Contact lettter to this woman and you need to mail it.

 

Marriagebuilders.com has tips on this.

 

I have become an expert at infidelity now.....it sux.

 

About having a revenge affair....just hold off a bit. But maybe you can at least get out of the house for the evening alone and go have a soda at a bar? Just to get out there? I did so the first night I found out, and it was awful b/c nobody talked to me. I felt REALLY unloved and undesired.

 

When I got some more truth 2 weeks later (that I discovered, he did not tell me) I went out again and that is when I met Mr Wonderful (who was not really that wonderful but he hit on me, flirted and basically made it clear that I was desireable and sexy etc....boy oh boy I needed that ego boost.) BUt don't lower yourself and have sex with some random guy...I am so glad I did not. But I am also so glad I got to feel sexy and desired at a time when my soul had been obliterated. Plus it drove my WH nuts and helped lift his 'Fog'

 

Again, Iam so sorry. Keep posting...I wish I knew you so we could talk more freely.I can really feel your pain.

[aeh]

Yes, my ego is shot. You're right, I've already lost 11 pounds. I guess "the girlfriend diet" is a good one. I feel like the ugliest, most unattractive person in the whole world. I feel like no one loves me, completely undesirable. I've had three people in the last week tell me I'm pretty though (strangers-two women and a gay guy...LOL)..I guess you hang onto those things in a time like this. Yes, we need to go to counseling. I feel completely effed in the head. (I normally do not swear at all, and yet I'm using the "F" word now many many times a day..what have I become?)

 

You're also right in that I am having a hard time being a mom right now. Hard to focus, hard to do anything. I would have described my life as darn near perfect a year ago.

 

I hate him right now for what he did to me, and to us and to our family. He was having sex with her in parking garages (!)?!??!), said he was too scared to do a hotel room for fear I'd find out from the credit card. He sent her a text right after I found out the initial stuff (only thought it was an inappropriate conversations at that point) saying that I had found the emails, do not call him, do not text him. He says they haven't talked and that he is a bit surprised she hasn't called him to at least apologize, but that he doesn't want to talk to her at all or hear from her ever again. Not to mention she is 14 years younger than him and 8 years younger than me and she hasn't had kids so I am guessing it must have been VERY enjoyable for him. God, it makes me want to puke.

[foreal]

AEH

 

Your Wh wants an apology from the OW? Good Grief! WTF?

 

Did you see the texts he sent? Do you have access to his email, phone etc? As well as the passwords etc?

 

I say he still needs to send a no contact letter that you read and are okay with that outlines in no uncertain terms it is over and that he loves you and your family and wants to work it out with YOU.

 

I ask b/c often they will SAY it is over, but they can't seem to kick their 'habit'..like they are junkies...seriosly, it is a drug for them....and like a drug it destroys them and any and all in their path. NO CONTACT helps to kick the habit....b/c right now he is spinning and wanting a 'fix'...not sex, but the 'feeling' this affair gives/gave him..she could have been anyone...which is hard to believe I know- my WH's MARRIED OW is 8 years my junior as well...oh, and a former friend of mine (lucky me!)...but I am still hotter than her and you are too!!

 

Be sure you have access to all his stuff and he should have no problem providing it...

 

He will need to come off his 'high' first though....it is not that he is missing HER..it is the feeling he is missing, the escape, the fantasy.

 

Did he recently (w/i last 2 years) have any major life changes going on? It sounds like you and I have similiar situation as far as long term, seemingly happy marriage.....we had major life changes (births and deaths) w/i the last 2 years...he cracked under it all. No excuse, but it does help me to understand the HOW COULD HE of it all. It still really hurts though.....

 

Remember your kids ALWAYS LOVE AND NEED YOU.

[foreal]

(I normally do not swear at all, and yet I'm using the "F" word now many many times a day..what have I become?)

 

 

oh yea, I can now make a sailor blush...

[fooled once]

Why in the world does your cheating husband think the OW owes HIM an apology?????????????

[OFGnomore]

Why in the world does your cheating husband think the OW owes HIM an apology?????????????

 

I agree a double WTF! I see parallels here with my xMM, he sent me a nasty letter that not only do I "owe" an apology but I "owe" it to him to his face, in person. Because, you will love this, it was "disrespectful" for me to dump him by email.

 

Oh boy..

 

AEH, go to a counselor or a pastor. Please do this before you make any decisions. Do this for yourself and your children.

[jj33]

AEH. Hes twisting it on you by saying he expects an apology. For what? For agreeing to sleep with him? Its his odd way of trying to turn the tables.

 

Im sure you are in shock but another thing you may want to think about is the way you are looking at yourself and the OW and the sex. Im sure its unimaginably painful.

 

However the whole idea that you need to prove to OWs that you are having great sex with your H, that she was young and childless so he must have enjoyed it (ick) I can imagine that the images are driving you round the bend, but that is in all likelihood not what the affair was about.

 

If you two get proper counselling you will be able to look at what was going on with him that led to him seeking sex outside the marriage.

 

Take good care