Therapist said.....

[prttymarie]

Hello all,

 

So i went to my therapist yesterday. it was so good to get everything i have TRIED to get across to all of you in letters here, to actual WORDS to her. She told me that it definatley sounded like I was taken advantage of! I wont say RAPE! But the moment he did what he did and I said no, that was an assult!!! bottom line. That does not excuse me, nor my behavior. I She suggested that if I thought no one knew, that it might be best to refrain from telling my husband if I wanted things to continue to stay as good as they had been between he and I. (we have had a rough past and this year a lot had changed and we were doing so amazing). She suggested I not drink, as well as not go out without him. Which I already had planned. I told her I wasn't sure that I could live with myself and not tell him, and that a pastor advised me I needed to tell him, maybe not right away, but to pray for the right time.... She offered to have me tell him in a session with her, or that if I do it, that I remove all weapons from my house, and do it in a public place. I am so worried and confused now, I know the right thing is to tell him, but she totally threw me off by saying if its only going to hurt him, our family and our marriage, why tell?

I told her how hard its been for me and either way its a bad situation.. I don't tell, I stay so ashamed, depressed and guilty and have to live that way forever and always WONDER if in some CRAZY way it finds a way back to him. OR I tell him and risk everything. I am so MAD at myself! why did this have to happen! So I pray the Lord speaks to my heart. All your prayers are appreciated.

[dobler33]

Hello all,

 

So i went to my therapist yesterday. it was so good to get everything i have TRIED to get across to all of you in letters here, to actual WORDS to her. She told me that it definatley sounded like I was taken advantage of! I wont say RAPE! But the moment he did what he did and I said no, that was an assult!!! bottom line. That does not excuse me, nor my behavior. I She suggested that if I thought no one knew, that it might be best to refrain from telling my husband if I wanted things to continue to stay as good as they had been between he and I. (we have had a rough past and this year a lot had changed and we were doing so amazing). She suggested I not drink, as well as not go out without him. Which I already had planned. I told her I wasn't sure that I could live with myself and not tell him, and that a pastor advised me I needed to tell him, maybe not right away, but to pray for the right time.... She offered to have me tell him in a session with her, or that if I do it, that I remove all weapons from my house, and do it in a public place. I am so worried and confused now, I know the right thing is to tell him, but she totally threw me off by saying if its only going to hurt him, our family and our marriage, why tell?

I told her how hard its been for me and either way its a bad situation.. I don't tell, I stay so ashamed, depressed and guilty and have to live that way forever and always WONDER if in some CRAZY way it finds a way back to him. OR I tell him and risk everything. I am so MAD at myself! why did this have to happen! So I pray the Lord speaks to my heart. All your prayers are appreciated.

 

i am SO glad you've gotten support, my dear, and that your therapist has confirmed for you that you were the victim of an assault. it will now be much more possible for you to recover, both by taking responsibility for the parts you could control and getting really angry about being assaulted in a way you couldn't control. i'm sending you lots and lots of love.

[jwi71]

I told her how hard its been for me and either way its a bad situation.. I don't tell, I stay so ashamed, depressed and guilty and have to live that way forever and always WONDER if in some CRAZY way it finds a way back to him. OR I tell him and risk everything. I am so MAD at myself! why did this have to happen! So I pray the Lord speaks to my heart. All your prayers are appreciated.

 

You have two options and, from where I sit, its pretty clear which path to take.

 

You can continue keeping this secret from your H. The benefit is you didn't tell him which is, as you are aware, not the same as him never finding out. And the price you pay for said secret is all the emotional upheaval you are now experiencing.

 

Or you can sit him down and tell him what happened. The benefit is the guilt and anger and shame will evaporate...and I bet almost instantaneously. The price to be paid is his reaction. Considering how the events unfolded...I think you have a better chance at survival than had this simply been a run-o-the mill PA.

 

So...choose. Each has benefits. And each has a price to pay.

 

Personally...I would tell. And I would tell because I can only control what I do and say...not what OTHERS do and say. You will never outrun the fear of your H finding out the "hard way" - from someone else. Then you have the "incident" and the LIES. One you are not fully culpable...the other...is planned and premeditated. And ultimately its the lies (and how they FURTHER the shattered trust) that will kill your M.

[Reggie]

Tough choice. Tell and you run the risk of your H leaving. Hide it and it eats at you and there is a fairly big risk he finds out which makes it even tougher to recover the marriage. Maybe talk to your pastor again.

It seems to me that there is a very good chance that the info will get out and back to your H. Your girlfriend knows and may disclose to her other confidantes> Then, the thing starts spreading. The guy knows and will probably talk about his expierience. I bet a fair number of people already know.

[stuckinoz]

Hello all,

 

So i went to my therapist yesterday. it was so good to get everything i have TRIED to get across to all of you in letters here, to actual WORDS to her. She told me that it definatley sounded like I was taken advantage of! I wont say RAPE! But the moment he did what he did and I said no, that was an assult!!! bottom line. That does not excuse me, nor my behavior. I She suggested that if I thought no one knew, that it might be best to refrain from telling my husband if I wanted things to continue to stay as good as they had been between he and I. (we have had a rough past and this year a lot had changed and we were doing so amazing). She suggested I not drink, as well as not go out without him. Which I already had planned. I told her I wasn't sure that I could live with myself and not tell him, and that a pastor advised me I needed to tell him, maybe not right away, but to pray for the right time.... She offered to have me tell him in a session with her, or that if I do it, that I remove all weapons from my house, and do it in a public place. I am so worried and confused now, I know the right thing is to tell him, but she totally threw me off by saying if its only going to hurt him, our family and our marriage, why tell?

I told her how hard its been for me and either way its a bad situation.. I don't tell, I stay so ashamed, depressed and guilty and have to live that way forever and always WONDER if in some CRAZY way it finds a way back to him. OR I tell him and risk everything. I am so MAD at myself! why did this have to happen! So I pray the Lord speaks to my heart. All your prayers are appreciated.

 

There are a lot of people in here that would say your therapist is WAY off base. That she shouldn't have told you to keep it a secret.

 

I am & will always be the advocate for Not Telling in most cases. I am a firm believer in - You can save your marriage after something like this (although I"m still not sure "Infidelity" is the real case in this situation) & NOT tell....& still survive.

It's obvious you're still beating yourself up over this - Yes, you probably made a bad judgement call on drinking too much. Hopefully your therapist can help you to not be so hard on yourself. To learn to relax a little & to pray the pain goes away - Time does heal a lot of things. You can't go thru the rest of your life looking over your shoulder that your husband will find out. Please - for the sake of your health, emotional and physical try to relax a little bit about this.

[boldjack]

PM, Your husband WILL find out. You must be ready for that. I think that the sooner, the better, because you have been wise and built up your support system, and now know that you were assaulted. I think also that the therapist doesn't appreciate that this will be impossible to keep a secret, because too many people already know. But tell him in such a way that he will know that you are telling the truth, and that you were the victim, and not a willing participant. With the support group you have, I'm pretty sure that he will be angrier at the OM than at you, and will be more protective than accusing. Keep us posted, and know that we are with you.

[boldjack]

Gidget, why can't I PM you? I have a couple of questions to ask. About this and other things. Sorry to threadjack, Marie, but I have no other way to contact Dobler.

[stuckinoz]

PM, Your husband WILL find out. You must be ready for that. I think that the sooner, the better, because you have been wise and built up your support system, and now know that you were assaulted. I think also that the therapist doesn't appreciate that this will be impossible to keep a secret, because too many people already know. But tell him in such a way that he will know that you are telling the truth, and that you were the victim, and not a willing participant. With the support group you have, I'm pretty sure that he will be angrier at the OM than at you, and will be more protective than accusing. Keep us posted, and know that we are with you.

 

How will he find out? How is it impossible to keep a secret? People (obviously in here too) keep THE secret for years upon years. Heck I have a friend who had a 9 year affair some 15+ odd years AGO - Her husband has NO clue. And I wasn't the only friend of hers that knew what was going on.

Why are you positive that PM's husband will find out?

 

I think that PM knows her husband better than anyone.

[carhill]

Gidget, why can't I PM you? I have a couple of questions to ask. About this and other things. Sorry to threadjack, Marie, but I have no other way to contact Dobler.

You will be able to in another 5 days, or if she subscribes as a supporting member

[bentnotbroken]

PM, I am glad you got to a counselor. I question her stance based on your own religious beliefs. I had to find a counselor with a similar value system as my own. I am not suggesting that you switch, but to only keep in mind what you believe and what the Word says on this subject. You can't keep it hidden, that's not how it works. You know that what we hide God brings to the light.

 

It has been confirmed that something wrong went down, as you said not to excuse your actions, but there was a predator involved who didn't take no as an answer. With the help of your counselor and your Pastor, I believe he can understand the facts as they are stated by 2 professionals. Who you sought help from, right away. That speaks volumes on your commit to your relationship. I don't know his mental state, that's why I wouldn't wait until he hears it from someone else, that could be even more emotionally devastating than you and professionals helping him to see the entire picture.

 

Your prayers have already been answered in part. You didn't feel comfortable with the counselor's recommendation not to inform him, that is your conscious and you knowing what the right thing is even though you are afraid of it. Don't wait too long PM, you don't want him to find out from someone else.

[2sure]

You were the victim of a sex CRIME.

So typically you were told by professionals that it might be best to just not tell anyone, pretend it didnt happen, do nothing...for your own sake. Your reputation.

 

That kind of advice is exactly what sends the crime victim into a downward spiral of shame, confusion , and anxiety.

 

Honestly, that therapist just reaffirmed that yes you are a victim...why not simply continue to be victimized?

 

A secret like you are thinking of keeping can cost a lot more than you think right now.

[PhoenixRise]

PM

 

I followed your other thread with interest but didn't post because I could see where it was going.

 

I am glad that you saw a professional who confirmed for you that you were assaulted. I am also glad to see that you are taking responsibility for the aspects of what happened that you could control.

 

I hope you continue therapy and get true healing from this traumatic event.

 

I think too many people know about this incident for it to remain a secret. Your sister knows, her bf knows, the co-worker knows, and the man who took advantage of you knows. People will talk.

 

I think eventually, your H will hear about it. There is nothing you can do to stop him from finding out, the only thing you can control is HOW he finds out. If he hears about it from someone else, it will be a story about PM going off with some guy and participating in a threesome. If he hears about it from you he will hear that you were assaulted and because you were drunk/and or incapacitated you were scared and initally didn't know what to do.

 

Think about telling him in your therapist office with the pastor present.

 

Good luck

[boldjack]

Stuckinoz, This is not like a clandestine affair. If you read her other thread, you can count the number of people who already know about this situation. Counting her therapist, 8 or 9, already know.... and many more will follow. The Pastor and the therapist presumably will keep confidentiality, the others are not under such restraint. the man WILL brag to his friends, the co-worker will tell her friends, the OP's sister might tell other family members, the OP's sisters BF will let it slip, etc, etc, etc. If this was an affair, where only two people know , maybe it could be hidden. The chances of this assualt remaining a secret, almost nil.

[prttymarie]

I think there is a lil confusion on who knows of this.. The only people are the "guy", my co worker, and the pastor and therapist. My sister and her boyfriend said there was talk of it, but they don't know what actually happen. Thankfully. I am spared some humiliation from them knowing, before my husband.

[stuckinoz]

I guess that's where I'm a little different than most........I wouldn't tell. It's no one's business. And if anyone is stupid enough to listen - It's still just all heresay - He said / She said Gossip.

 

Besides that - IF - Besides PM - the girlfriend & the guy are the only ones that know the details - Why would they be bragging all over the place? Are they in high school? Sounds juvinile to me if they were to 'brag'

 

PM - You have to do what you think is right - between you, your therapist & pastor - I'm sure they can guide you. Hopefully as I said before - You are taking care of yourself. You'd be surprised how your health can suffer from things such as this.

[boldjack]

Prettymarie, the exact number isn't important. what is important is that talk is going around about this already. People, who know you and your husband already have heard about it. Please get your sister, and your Pastor or therapist and sit down with your H and tell him about this assault. Explain it just as you have here. If he finds out from somebody else, your marriage will have little chance of recovering.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I think there is a lil confusion on who knows of this.. The only people are the "guy", my co worker, and the pastor and therapist. My sister and her boyfriend said there was talk of it, but they don't know what actually happen. Thankfully. I am spared some humiliation from them knowing, before my husband.

 

Holy crap! Your sister heard talk of it... who told her?

 

You better get this in front of your Husband before he hears a rumor about it from someone else! If that happens, you look like a lying whore... If you tell him first then he can see you as a victim. The longer you wait the worse it looks for you.

[Reggie]

I agree, it will , most likely , get back to your H. So, it might be best to tell him.

When you do, make it clear that there was an aspect that might have constituted an assault, but the initial decison to go there and participate was volitional. You objected to a certain aspect of the activities, but, for the most part, you were there voluntarily.

[tami-chan]

I think there is a lil confusion on who knows of this.. The only people are the "guy", my co worker, and the pastor and therapist. My sister and her boyfriend said there was talk of it, but they don't know what actually happen. Thankfully. I am spared some humiliation from them knowing, before my husband.

 

PM, I, too am glad you are getting help. You are in a tough spot. Jwi71 is right...you should heed his advice. Normally, I would be in Stuckinoz' camp-as I agree you are the only one who knows your H. But something wrong was done TO YOU. These things tend to have residual effects, longitudinally. I suggest you tell your H in the presence of the pastor (do pastor's do that? not sure). Sometimes it is helpful to have a third party present. Explain that you were an unwilling participant.

 

A secret like this is difficult to keep-precisely because there are 3 people involved. Have you talked to your co-worker yet?

[tami-chan]

Holy crap! Your sister heard talk of it... who told her?

 

You better get this in front of your Husband before he hears a rumor about it from someone else! If that happens, you look like a lying whore... If you tell him first then he can see you as a victim. The longer you wait the worse it looks for you.

 

The sister works in the bar and apparently PM had mentioned it to the sister that there was talk of a threesome but that she had expressed she didn't want to participate but PM does not remember the conversation-her sister told her afterwards. Did I get that right,PM?

[prttymarie]

yes correct. she knew there was TALK, but didn't think it actually happen. there is only, me the co work and that guy. Then the pastor and therapist that are aware. I spoke with my co worker today and she pretty much didn't remember much else. she said she did remember I fell asleep in the back seat on the way there, and remembers me telling her to make him STOP when he did what he did. But other than that its pretty in and out for her as well . I really had to STOP myself today, I have ate, slept and breathed this thing.. I still feel horrible, nothing will change that. But I have got to pray and wait for God's time, worrying like I am is causing me to literally GO CRAZY and lose focus of my life. I can only take one day at a time and pray when the day comes that I tell him (I pray its soon) that it will work out in the end.... It was a mistake, one I will NEVER forget, but I have to forgive myself and be strong for what I may recieve back from H. Keep me in your prayers all. Some of you have been most helpful and I truely appreciate it.

[wuggle]

PM , I'm really glad you saw a cousellor. I repeat what I said on your earlier thread, I think you probably shouldn't tell your husband YET. I think you should have further sessions with your counsellor and get your head totally round what happened, and more importantly why. Take care.

[PhoenixRise]

yes correct. she knew there was TALK, but didn't think it actually happen. there is only, me the co work and that guy. Then the pastor and therapist that are aware. I spoke with my co worker today and she pretty much didn't remember much else. she said she did remember I fell asleep in the back seat on the way there, and remembers me telling her to make him STOP when he did what he did. But other than that its pretty in and out for her as well . I really had to STOP myself today, I have ate, slept and breathed this thing.. I still feel horrible, nothing will change that. But I have got to pray and wait for God's time, worrying like I am is causing me to literally GO CRAZY and lose focus of my life. I can only take one day at a time and pray when the day comes that I tell him (I pray its soon) that it will work out in the end.... It was a mistake, one I will NEVER forget, but I have to forgive myself and be strong for what I may recieve back from H. Keep me in your prayers all. Some of you have been most helpful and I truely appreciate it.

 

PM

 

This guy could see you out, with your husband or alone and start to brag about the night he had a threesome with you and your co-worker. All it would take would be for him to say it to someone who knows you or for someone who knows your or your H to overhear.

 

Does your H ever talk to your sister's bf? If a hint of this got back to your H, would he talk to sis bf? Would sis bf tell him "yeah she was at the bar that night with the two of them and there WAS talk of a threesome then she left with them?"

 

My fear for you is that you will wait and pray and avoid talking to your H until it is too late.

 

If he hears a rumor about this before you tell him he will not believe you. You will have to deal with the trauma of his reaction on top of everything else.

 

Make a plan. Tell Him Soon.

[dobler33]

Gidget, why can't I PM you? I have a couple of questions to ask. About this and other things. Sorry to threadjack, Marie, but I have no other way to contact Dobler.

 

 

sorry for another T/J - i guess i am close to being cool enough to have private messaging now, if carhill is right. i'll have a little party on that great day.

[boldjack]

Hold the phone, PM. If your co-worker remembers hearing you tell the guy to STOP, then this Proves that you were the victim. Would she be willing to say that to your H? If you can get your Pastor, and therapist and co-worker to tell him (H) everything that you have told us, you can save your marriage. Please tell him soon. For your own good and for your family.