a little advice please........

[Magestic]

Hello everyone, I'm new here (obviously). I've got a big problem, at least I think so.

 

I have been married to my husband for a little over one and a half years now and I honestly feel that he is cheating on me. We are both 25yrs old. We meet in High school, and were together at 16yrs. He moved, cheated on me, we broke up, didn't talk for a while, then got back together, broke up, were just talking for awhile then stopped again, met up again, got back together, broke up, was messing around together when we were both with somebody, then finally 2yrs after that got back together again. Six months later we got married.

 

Well a few months before that I found out that he was messing around on me with somebody on the internet, until a week after we were married. Then that stopped. But I was told to just let it be, that that was in the past. Finally things started to get better, then in August (when he started school) things started back up again. Having his own secretive e-mail accounts, signing up for love and relationships and anything of that nature, going into chatrooms, and then before I found that out he was at home looking at porn on the computer and using "rosie".

 

When questioned (because everything was in temp files, or was saved in the auto-complete) he claimed that he didn't know how it got there. Well the lieing just kept going on from there. I don't know if I can trust him at all. He claims that he's not cheating and then he gets so defensive when I ask him and starts yelling at me saying that if I don't stop then he will start doing it (cheating). Wouldn't that mean that he already is?

 

And then lately also has been his constant "looking", and then I get from him that it's natural for guys to look and that just because he looks doesn't mean anything. I've told him repeatedly how this makes me feel like crap and then he says that he understands (which I know that he doesn't) and that he doesn't know how to control himself from doing it. Also that when he looks at them it's not to "look at the chick herself but to look at the breasts and coochie".

 

I don't know what to do anymore, he says that he's going to break it off if I don't stop, but I think this is wrong! I'm not the one doing anything wrong, so I should be the one telling him that!? We recently got into a big fight about all of this and I talked to his mother about it cuase I didn't know who else to talk to and so she was telling me some stuff, and basically I took it all as "let him do what he wants to do and you just shut your mouth about everything and mind your own business".

 

It's really something how he can do whatever the h*** he wants but I can't, and then he tells me that if I ever cheated or anything that it would be over. I'm so confused. (Sorry this is so long.) Sometimes I think to myself that somebody in this world must really hate me, but that's just my opinion.

[Tony T]

He cheated on you, the two of you cheated with each other on other people, etc. So did you expect him to change???

 

Hey, you knew what kind of guy he was. You knew he wasn't loyal. He made no misrepresentations to you whatsoever. You both showed each other that both of you were capable of cheating and had no problem with it.

 

By cheating on your old boyfriend with him while he was seeing somebody as well, you clearly showed him that you consented to and approved of cheating.

 

You reap what you sew. You got what you knew you had.

 

Now, if you can't handle the lying and cheating, get out of the marriage NOW...before there are children. It's not likely this guy is going to change, matter of fact I can almost guarantee you he won't. There are some men who can never, ever settle on one woman and look and cheat all the days of their lives.

 

Your guy should have never gottem married...to you or anybody else. A better lifestyle for him would be serial monogamy, where he partners with others on a temporary basis and leaves them when he's tired of them.

 

If you love this guy, don't allow him to put you through this hell. Get away from him and begin the healing process.

 

Now, if you're absolutely insistent on hanging around to see if things will change (all women think they can change men), get him some help. Go to a good search engine like http://www.google.com and enter "relationship cheating" or "adultery". You'll find lots of stuff to read.

 

I did same and found a site at: http://www.meersinc.com/articles/cheating.html It's pretty good and may give you some insight. At the end of the article, she emphasizes that both partners must be committed to healing the relationship. I don't think your husband has that in his mind right now.

 

Your husband may have lots and lots of problems, some stemming from his childhood, that could take many years to cure...and only if he desires. Sexual addictions have lots of payoffs and little downside. It's obvious that losing you means a "little downside" to him. Do you want a husband who thinks that little of you?

 

I hope you can turn this around but I doubt it. My wish for you is that you find a guy who will be loyal to you...and that you can start being loyal to the guy's you're with.

 

Everything you do in life comes back. Watch your conduct...and don't marry guys who clearly show you they are prone to disloyalty.

 

Good luck in getting out of this one. You're really in a can here.

[Debster]

Get out now before you have children.

 

Clearly you both made a mistake in getting married. It could be due to you being too young or just not being the right fit. Either way, this guy is not showing you any respect and both of you seem to have a history of cheating whenever you feel horny. So you're questioning whether you think he's cheating. My guess say's Yes, but what's more important is your lack of trust in your 'husband'. Is this the kind of marriage you want?

[Magestic]

I understand what you mean, and believe me that I did do something stupid by cheating on my ex, but after that I felt like crap and never did it again, and also that was the first time that I ever did that, I absolutely regret it. I have never cheated on my husband. I know it's a mistake to probably stay with him, believe me I've been thinking long and hard and for a while on this one. But it's like it always is with everybody else, I love him. Yeah stupid me I guess. He was my first boyfriend and I've always wanted to be with him, but now that we are together and married, quite often I wonder what in the world I was thinking. I know that you also said get out now before you have kids, well I do have kids with my ex, and they love my husband. They always want him around, play with him, give him hugs and kisses and tell him that they love him. And it hurts me to think of how they would feel if he would leave cause they have gotten attached to him. They choose him over me! (which doesn't help any either) I really want to be with him, it's just that if it wasn't for the crap that he does, everything would be fine. Another is that I don't want to be alone, I can't get anybody else cause I'm not exactly the greatest looking, so nobody wants to be with me (I'm sorry if I'm not blond, skinny, and great looking). I cry every single day, cause I feel like I'm losing my mind with all of this. Sometimes it's gotten worse than just the crying. I just don't know what to do that would be exactly right.

[mimi]

Wel, Like everyone else said, this is obviously a relationship that needs to be left! Sorry for you that you have some really bad self-esteem problems, but you knw what, no matter how attractive you are, there is ALWAYS going to be someone out there that will find you hot!

Why do you want to be with a cheater? Because you think you love him? You can't honestly say you are "in-love" with someone like this? It's obvious you are in some state of comfortable misery, and you think he si like the "end-all". But of course untill some other man has interset in you, right?

Your kid may "love" him, but do you really want your kid to "love " some man who doesn't even have enough respect for you to stay faithful to you? Is that the kind of impression you'd like to leave on your kid? Thats it's OK to treat mommy like ****?

Why would you stoop so low to do that to your self, and more inportantly , your own child?

No kid needs to be in this situation, and you also, don't need to be in this situation. Love fades...........Fast......

Being in love with some guy isn't the most important thing in the world.........especially if you dont even love yourself first.......

Get out of that psychologically damaging situation, for your childs sake if anything.......before too much long term damage is done!

[pinkroses]

have low self esteem and you're putting up with a lot, unnecessarily. He's cheating, and that won't stop unless he wants to and gets help. Look out for yourself and your kids. I'm not usually one to be blundt, but I think you'd be better off in the long run getting rid of this jerk. Life is too short to be crying every day like you are doing.

[Debster]

Why do you think your children would choose your husband over you? If that's the case - I think you need to start changing priorities. Stop focusing on your husband and start rebuilding your relationship with your children. I think it's very sad that your own flesh and blood would choose a step-father over their own mother.