Valentines Day Blues

[beyondsad]

I think I am going to skip valentines day this year. I keep looking back at H sprint bill and last year on valentines day he called the OW numerous times and me 0.

Yes he gave me a mushy card professing his un-dying love and flowers but I would have rather had the numerous phone callls knowing he was thinking about me. (She probably got that too!)

We are 4months in R and both are trying hard to make M work but for some reason I keep thinking of how I felt last year- feeling so secure in my thinking how lucky I was to have such great H . How could I have been so stupid and not known?

I think on the 14th I will leave him a note telling him we are skipping valentines day this year- DO you think I need to give an explanantion or just leave it at that?

[stampdaddy]

Maybe you to "recovering" lovebirds can start a NEW tradition or holiday. kinda like Festivus... To celebrate the NEW road you are traveling together, looking FORWARD instead of backwards.....

 

"Lust-a-vus"

[beyondsad]

Good idea! - I know I have to just let it go don't I? Should I just not mention this to H and go thru the motions of Valentines Day?

This entire experience has changed me to a different person, sometimes I don't even recognize myself.

MC, anti-dpress meds and its still rite there hiding under the surface. He has been a open -book and doing everything right its just the past that keeps making me feel like ****

[2sure]

Beyondsad -

 

My H's infidelities coincided with particular times of the year marked by holidays, special dates, etc. Its been a year and a half and I am certain we are in successful recovery....but those dates, and the memories they bring still affect me a lot.

 

And my H's carefree family loving attitude on those days really got on my nerves and made it worse even though the days meant nothing to him and he didnt know why I was upset.

 

So, when they came around I told him. I didnt make a big deal of it or initiate any discussion about the A. I simply said: I'm sensitive today because to be honest with you, your cheating on me has changed this day for me. I dont know how long I'll feel this way, and maybe it doesnt seem fair, but today, for this holiday, this is what I've got going on.

 

Saying it didnt change anything. But I felt A LOT better that I told him.

I didnt want/let it become about the infidelity. I didnt want to extend it further into the day. Things are getting better.

[stampdaddy]

Good idea! - I know I have to just let it go don't I? Should I just not mention this to H and go thru the motions of Valentines Day?

This entire experience has changed me to a different person, sometimes I don't even recognize myself.

MC, anti-dpress meds and its still rite there hiding under the surface. He has been a open -book and doing everything right its just the past that keeps making me feel like ****

Well, I don't know what to tell you there, I have some of those same feelings.. I frequently quote movie lines and here are 2 that have been used lately:

Shawshank Redemption: [COLOR=#003399]Red[/COLOR]: Get busy living, or get busy dying.

 

Legend of Bagger Vance: [COLOR=#003399]Bagger Vance[/COLOR]: I don't need to understand... Ain't a soul on this entire earth ain't got a burden to carry he don't understand, you ain't alone in that... But you been carryin' this one long enough... Time to go on... lay it down...

[jwi71]

That's brilliant 2Sure.

 

Its open, its honest and its not antagonistic.

 

I have begun to worry about Valentine's myself and how I was going to handle it with my W. I think I will tell her that and still try and have a nice time.

[Owl]

Just a thought from someone who's a little further down the recovery path...for me at least, those 'anniversaries' of key dates/holidays/etc...they were rough the first year, and much less difficult than I expected they would be the second year.

 

The pain, and the triggers from those anniversaries has faded tremendously for me since.

 

And SD's suggestion of making a NEW tradition is a great one...very similar to what my wife and I did in our own recovery!

[whichwayisup]

Make Valentine's Day about someone else.

 

Visit an old age home or a children's hospital together and drop off some toys, chocolates, books, puzzles etc..Make it a different dynamtic where it isn't about romance and love - More about giving and making someone less fortunate happy.

[stampdaddy]

Make Valentine's Day about someone else.

 

Visit an old age home or a children's hospital together and drop off some toys, chocolates, books, puzzles etc..Make it a different dynamtic where it isn't about romance and love - More about giving and making someone less fortunate happy.

 

That is a stupid idea.... Do they have to dress up in a Santa Suit too?

[stampdaddy]

of course I am joshing ya Which Way... can they take a puppy?

[Owl]

A puppy sounds perfect! It's always a good idea to bring snacks along to share when you visit a place like that! :)

[soserious1]

Maybe you to "recovering" lovebirds can start a NEW tradition or holiday. kinda like Festivus... To celebrate the NEW road you are traveling together, looking FORWARD instead of backwards.....

 

"Lust-a-vus"

 

If it's been a year since she found out and she's still thinking about it and wincing when she thinks of Valentine's Day which is still over 2 weeks away. I question if they're "recovering lovebirds" or whether the OP is clinging to a marriage which is dead in the water.

 

OP,your husband robbed you and now you're continuing to let him rob you even more.

 

If it were me, I'd tell him we would be spending Valentine's discussing his affair in detail.. I'd want to know times,positions, I'd want him to describe his lover's skin,hair,eyes, tell me how big her breasts are,how lush her body was... I'd want him to tell me all about how excited he got,how he moaned in passion and how much he dreaded the thought of coming home to me afterwards... then I would give MYSELF the best Valentine's Day gift of all, I'd tell him I want a divorce.

[stampdaddy]

If it's been a year since she found out and she's still thinking about it and wincing when she thinks of Valentine's Day which is still over 2 weeks away. I question if they're "recovering lovebirds" or whether the OP is clinging to a marriage which is dead in the water.

 

OP,your husband robbed you and now you're continuing to let him rob you even more.

 

If it were me, I'd tell him we would be spending Valentine's discussing his affair in detail.. I'd want to know times,positions, I'd want him to describe his lover's skin,hair,eyes, tell me how big her breasts are,how lush her body was... I'd want him to tell me all about how excited he got,how he moaned in passion and how much he dreaded the thought of coming home to me afterwards... then I would give MYSELF the best Valentine's Day gift of all, I'd tell him I want a divorce.

 

That just made me tingly.... jk

I hear you and thought the same thing about where she REALLY is. They arent "lovebirds", I know that. BUT, ya gotta start somewhere if you are trying to recover, right??

[65tr6]

How could I have been so stupid and not known?

I think on the 14th I will leave him a note telling him we are skipping valentines day this year- DO you think I need to give an explanantion or just leave it at that?

dont be too hard on yourself. I feel that same way but dont let that eat you. Use that to motivate you into doing positive, for yourself.

 

I plan an leaving a card or two with my thoughts....I bought cards already!. I want to surprise her. (and women think men are less romantic ?). Not sure about the flowers though. Might skip it. On second thoughts may be not. Funny, as i type this she is sitting right next me busy with something else.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Sorry you're having a tough time with this BS. Infidelity is kind of the gift that keeps on giving, huh? Unfortunately, no card or note with a heartfelt message will ever be the same.

 

I tried something I thought was different this year to make things a little easier for me. Came up with a plan that was completely different but unfortunately it went over like a ton of bricks.

 

Hang tight. Maybe the two of you will start a new VDay tradition one year when the pain isn't so fresh.

[NoIDidn't]

If it's been a year since she found out and she's still thinking about it and wincing when she thinks of Valentine's Day which is still over 2 weeks away. I question if they're "recovering lovebirds" or whether the OP is clinging to a marriage which is dead in the water.

 

OP,your husband robbed you and now you're continuing to let him rob you even more.

 

If it were me, I'd tell him we would be spending Valentine's discussing his affair in detail.. I'd want to know times,positions, I'd want him to describe his lover's skin,hair,eyes, tell me how big her breasts are,how lush her body was... I'd want him to tell me all about how excited he got,how he moaned in passion and how much he dreaded the thought of coming home to me afterwards... then I would give MYSELF the best Valentine's Day gift of all, I'd tell him I want a divorce.

 

While I disagree that they aren't in recovery - you have to start somewhere and work through ALL the feelings, I do like the idea in a sick kind of way.

 

I don't have to deal with ever having to share Valentine's Day, but it would scare and sicken my H to think that I wanted him to tell me the details of sex with another woman.

 

I think the OP should bring up these feelings with her H. I think what 2sure said was good. Either way, she should bring it up. It is now HIS JOB to reassure her no matter how it makes him feel.

 

My H's EA was extremely short and I thank God that I busted him the day that they were going to attempt to make it a PA. But he did ruin my birthday for me for a minute. He only sent her an email in the middle of the night, but it pissed me off. So I know some of how the OP feels.

 

It doesn't bother me as much now. But the first year following D-day was kicker.

 

OP, it gets better. Plus you are only 4 months out. This is a good time to talk about it without hearing "you still aren't over THAT yet" from a more insensitive type. You'd be surprised of what your H may say when you bring it up.

[soserious1]

While I disagree that they aren't in recovery - you have to start somewhere and work through ALL the feelings, I do like the idea in a sick kind of way.

 

I don't have to deal with ever having to share Valentine's Day, but it would scare and sicken my H to think that I wanted him to tell me the details of sex with another woman.

 

I think the OP should bring up these feelings with her H. I think what 2sure said was good. Either way, she should bring it up. It is now HIS JOB to reassure her no matter how it makes him feel.

 

My H's EA was extremely short and I thank God that I busted him the day that they were going to attempt to make it a PA. But he did ruin my birthday for me for a minute. He only sent her an email in the middle of the night, but it pissed me off. So I know some of how the OP feels.

 

It doesn't bother me as much now. But the first year following D-day was kicker.

 

OP, it gets better. Plus you are only 4 months out. This is a good time to talk about it without hearing "you still aren't over THAT yet" from a more insensitive type. You'd be surprised of what your H may say when you bring it up.

 

 

It would scare and sicken him to be asked to give details of his adulterous sex with another woman? Sorry but to that I say too F... bad!!

 

I would want to know in total detail all about the woman\women a man felt so aroused by that he was able to betray me just as easily as you take a trash can to the curb. She was worth throwing me and our marriage in the trash can? I want all the details, sparing nothing.holding back nothing.

[NoIDidn't]

It would scare and sicken him to be asked to give details of his adulterous sex with another woman? Sorry but to that I say too F... bad!!

 

I would want to know in total detail all about the woman\women a man felt so aroused by that he was able to betray me just as easily as you take a trash can to the curb. She was worth throwing me and our marriage in the trash can? I want all the details, sparing nothing.holding back nothing.

 

But that's my point. It would scare and sicken him to think that he thought he was the man while risking his marriage.

 

I don't know of a person that can recall without tears and a sense of embarrassment or humiliation their least shining moments.

 

That's why I say its a good idea in a sick kind of way.

[beyondsad]

Thanks for all the comments. The sense of commadrie is helpful. Last night at date night while we were waiting for our table valentines day was brought up. Feb is a busy month of birthdays, super bowl and of course valentines day. I looked him in the eye while we were holding hands and said very nicely that I would like to just skip valnetines day this year. He immediately knew why and just hugged me and told me he loves me. It really was enough said and we had a great dinner, drinks, conversation and later when it was bed-time he said again how much he appreciates me as a wife , mom and he is so lucky to have us etc etc etc.

 

At first I just wanted to talk about to death, now I am finding that he knows when I am thinking about it with little said . I choose to work it out so whats the point in upsetting us both. All i know is that if it happens again he is gone forever and I really think he knows it.