Am I being unfair

[Sherri26]

My husband has know this female friend yrs before I came on to the scene. He has had sex with her a few times but that was it, no relationship progressed (long before he met me.)

 

My husband use to hug her with more love and passion than he ever did with me and he would have that starry eye lust/love look in them when we would all meet for coffee. She never wants to catch up with me or even see our children she is only interested in my husband and I believe that she deep down thought that one day they would get together and eventually marry.

 

We have shifted states within the last year and she hardly rings and she never even came to our going away party. If she was a good friend I thought that she would at least come to say good bye

 

Now she is coming over to our state for a Holiday and my husband told her that she could stay at our house, then he came home and asked me if that was alright. He arranged 3 days off work no questions asked but told our 5 yr daughter that he could not make it to her fathers day outing which only required him leaving work 2 hrs early.

 

I was hurt and upset and decided that I feel to uncomfortable for her to be staying in our house so I told my husband that she is not staying here and explained that knowing she wants him and they use to have sex with each other made me feel uncomfortable and I was extremely pissed that he took 3 days of no questions asked and told our daughter he could not make it to her fathers day thing even though I do not consider them to be close anymore.

 

He yelled and screamed at me like I was inconveniencing her and he does not understand were I am coming from, even though in the pasted I have told him how I feel about their friendship (not that I am asking him not to talk to her again) and it hurt when I see him hug her more passionately than me.

 

I do have a problem with her especially when my husband drops everything to see her. I know he tells her things about our relationship whether good or bad but never tells me how he really feels. I do tell him this but he shrugs me off like I am being completely stupid and he hears what I say but never really listens. I can hear him say oh here she goes again.

 

I would very rarely get asked to go to dinner when they would go and he never asked me if I would like to come for coffee when they would catch up in the past.

 

Am I being unfair? or is anyone else in the same situation. Any advice will be great.

[Phil]

I think you did the right thing by telling your husband how you feel about the whole situation, however, making him aware of your feelings does not mean he will do what you want him to do.

 

You both have feelings and you both have choices of what to do and how to act. The hard part is deciding what you are willing to allow as part of your relationship with him. In other words, you have to set some boundaries and you have to let him know what your boundaries are.

 

Whether I or anyone else thinks you are right and he is wrong or he is right and you are wrong makes no difference at all. All that matters is how you feel and what you are going to do about your feelings.

 

If it is important to you that he not see this lady under certain circumstances, then so be it. Talk about it and let him decide what he wants to do. You don't have to give him any ultimatums. You don't have to threaten him with consequences. Your main responsibility is to tell him how you feel and why.

 

Although it may not seem like it, telling another person how you feel is really the easy part. The hard part is backing up what you say by setting and maintaining your own personal boundaries. I don't know what your current boundaries are or what they "should be". You are the only one that can set them, modify them and abide by them.

 

There's a good chance that this reply will not help you at all. You are probably looking for someone to validate your actions or reactions and I have not done that. The only purpose of my reply is to, hopefully, help you determine what is best for you and your family.

[Tony T]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. What your husband is doing is extremely disrepectful to your relationship.

 

The fact that he got so angry at you is a clear indication that he has feelings for this woman, otherwise he would not have reacted this way.

 

Both of you need to see a counsellor together to resolve this issue.

 

You need to take some responsibility here as well. You have known for a long time that your husband had passionate feelings for this woman, yet you have stood by and done nothing about it. Now, all of a sudden, you are taking a stand. That kind of behavior is confusing. You should have resolved the situation long ago.

 

If your husband cares more for this woman than he does for you and your children, I think you would be being fair to yourself to take him to court, make sure he pays you and your children adequate support, and you go find a man who will love you in a more passionate way.

 

You are not being kind to yourself to stay with a man who wants to be with another woman more than he wants to be with you.

[Ally Boo]

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

 

You should be #1 in his eyes, and if he's going to show more respect and loyalty to her, then maybe he should be with HER. I mean, you probably feel a little power when she comes over, knowing that he actually married you and had a family with you and not her...but it kinda backfires in your face like this. He could be fooling around with her for all you know, and if that's the case, she looks at you with MORE "power. I say get rid of him....this is too much drama.