Shouldn't have looked, but did...

[Trying Not to be a Schmuk]

I caught my guy kissing a girl in the club a few weeks ago. We're trying to work it out, but I am still really suspicious of stuff going on behind my back. I'm afraid he's lying to me and I don't want to get taken advantage of.

 

He also just moved in with me.

 

I was up early today and he was still sleeping. I saw his wallet on the table and my suspicions took over. I took a look to see if he had any girls numbers in it.

 

No numbers - But I found out he has lied to me about what he does for a living. When we got together six months ago, he told me he worked with computer systems for a big company, contracting out his services. He had even cancelled a trip last long weekend we had planned because he said he had a big project due and if he didn't complete it he would be held legally accountable for his contract.

 

I found a contract, yes, but it was for his employment as a dock worker for a shipping company, at a wage much less than what I make, and on an hourly basis. It seems he pnly started there about four months ago. He's always given me the idea that he makes a lot more cash than I do and is always lecturing me about how I should save money, go back to school and better myself.

 

I know I shouldn't have looked. That I should trust him or just walk away. But I did and now Im left wondering if he would lie about his job, than what else is not true?

 

Why would he lie about something like that anyway? I am very independant financially and have never given the idea that I look to him for money or anything other than a good relationship.

 

Any advice?

[didn't mean to]

You mean to tell me you have been with this guy for months , living with him, and you only now find out what he does for a living?

 

You are living with a lying cheating skoundrel.

 

He will cleanout your bank account, give you social diseases, and WASTE your time.

 

Time to move on!

[Tony T]

OK, I'm not defending lying but I'll tell you exactly why he lied.

 

First, we're assuming that the document you found in his wallet is valid and in force and he is actually a dock worker. That said...

 

He lied because he wants your acceptance. He lied because he felt strongly if he told you he was a dock worker and made a lot less money than you, you would not look up to him, not have as much respect for him, etc. He lied because of pride. As a man, he's probably ashamed of what he does and especially of the fact that he is not on par with you professionally or financially.

 

The bottom line is he lied because he loves you and needs your love in return. He lied because he doesn't want you to leave him. He lied because he wants your acceptance.

 

There is way too much goofy stuff going on here, though. The two of you have to sit down and have a nice, long talk. You can't let him know you saw this thing in his wallet but you have to somehow convey that you found out through channels that he works at the dock.

 

If you feel you can handle that, then assure him his job and money are not a factor in your relationship at present. But be very honest about exactly how you feel about this and don't make him defensive by accusing him of lying. Just pretend he never told you he worked in computer systems. Offer to help him go back to school if he wants to get into another field. Be supportive.

 

If you feel you can't handle this job thing, terminate the relationship and go your merry way.

 

While you're having this discussion, let him know that you are a forgiving person and you can overlook a lot of stuff. But if he expects you to go along with this job thing and not make an issue of it, he can't be out in the clubs making out with other women.

 

Get all this out in the open and clean it up. But be sure you do it in a discrete, non threatening way so he doesn't shut down and become defensive.

 

Some men have huge egos and would rather die than have the woman he loves find out he makes less money than his lady and has an unglamourous job. A guy with even an average ego would have difficulty with that.

 

So don't hold it against him for lying about his job. It was definitely wrong but you have to understand that as long as you're on this planet, people will protec their feelings whatever way they can. You can show your understanding and maturity by handling this situation in a most discrete and delicate way.

 

Good luck to you.

 

P.S. I hope that document you found was something unrelated to him. I hope. I hope.

[Angel]

I hate to sound like a broken record, but he is a liar. Tie him with a big bow and return him to his X. Get on with your life--make sure honesty is a character trait that you demand for your next guy and let him know up front, in advance, that you have a zero tolerance rule on liars. (can be said sweetly but firmly)

OK, I'm not defending lying but I'll tell you exactly why he lied. First, we're assuming that the document you found in his wallet is valid and in force and he is actually a dock worker. That said... He lied because he wants your acceptance. He lied because he felt strongly if he told you he was a dock worker and made a lot less money than you, you would not look up to him, not have as much respect for him, etc. He lied because of pride. As a man, he's probably ashamed of what he does and especially of the fact that he is not on par with you professionally or financially.

 

The bottom line is he lied because he loves you and needs your love in return. He lied because he doesn't want you to leave him. He lied because he wants your acceptance. There is way too much goofy stuff going on here, though. The two of you have to sit down and have a nice, long talk. You can't let him know you saw this thing in his wallet but you have to somehow convey that you found out through channels that he works at the dock. If you feel you can handle that, then assure him his job and money are not a factor in your relationship at present. But be very honest about exactly how you feel about this and don't make him defensive by accusing him of lying. Just pretend he never told you he worked in computer systems. Offer to help him go back to school if he wants to get into another field. Be supportive. If you feel you can't handle this job thing, terminate the relationship and go your merry way.

 

While you're having this discussion, let him know that you are a forgiving person and you can overlook a lot of stuff. But if he expects you to go along with this job thing and not make an issue of it, he can't be out in the clubs making out with other women. Get all this out in the open and clean it up. But be sure you do it in a discrete, non threatening way so he doesn't shut down and become defensive.

 

Some men have huge egos and would rather die than have the woman he loves find out he makes less money than his lady and has an unglamourous job. A guy with even an average ego would have difficulty with that. So don't hold it against him for lying about his job. It was definitely wrong but you have to understand that as long as you're on this planet, people will protec their feelings whatever way they can. You can show your understanding and maturity by handling this situation in a most discrete and delicate way. Good luck to you. P.S. I hope that document you found was something unrelated to him. I hope. I hope.

[velvet]

I wouldnt give a flying duck what he does for money. He Cheated! He kissed someone! What kind of r/s do you two have? Hes out tasting tonsils and you forgive him?

 

I would have to be out of my mind to live with a person like that.

 

Just the fact you know he lies about work and women, should send you running!

I hate to sound like a broken record, but he is a liar. Tie him with a big bow and return him to his X. Get on with your life--make sure honesty is a character trait that you demand for your next guy and let him know up front, in advance, that you have a zero tolerance rule on liars. (can be said sweetly but firmly)

[clia]

First of all, did you ever consider that maybe he is both working as a contractor and a dockworker? Given the state of the economy, four months ago he might've decided that in case he had some "down time" as a contractor (as they often do in the computer industry), it might not be a bad idea to be able to supplement his income. He might not have as many projects going on right now or be getting paid as much as he was four months ago. You might be dealing with a guy who has a lot of ambition to work hard rather than what you are thinking.

 

Why didn't he tell you? Pride? Who knows? Maybe he enjoys working at the dock, being outside, etc. and believed that you would react exactly as you did. (Disgust that he doesn't make very much money doing it.) Maybe it was the only other job he could get.

 

I find it hard to believe that you could date someone and move in with them and then find out that their "only" occupation is completely different than what they said it was. Seems like attire in the morning would be completely different for these types of jobs.

 

Have you seen him doing contracting work? What kind of papers does he have laying around? Does he have computer books, design documents, proposals, scope documents, etc.?

 

Hey, you might be right. He could be lying through his teeth, but he also could be doing something else on the side that he didn't share with you for a variety of reasons. You didn't say what exactly it was that you found. A pay stub? Does it say what hours he works? Are you sure it's full time? Maybe he was contracting when you first met him, and has been doing this lately because he can't find contracting work.

 

And personally, I think going through his wallet was a terribly immature move. If you can't trust this guy, you shouldn't be with him. Period.

I caught my guy kissing a girl in the club a few weeks ago. We're trying to work it out, but I am still really suspicious of stuff going on behind my back. I'm afraid he's lying to me and I don't want to get taken advantage of. He also just moved in with me. I was up early today and he was still sleeping. I saw his wallet on the table and my suspicions took over. I took a look to see if he had any girls numbers in it. No numbers - But I found out he has lied to me about what he does for a living. When we got together six months ago, he told me he worked with computer systems for a big company, contracting out his services. He had even cancelled a trip last long weekend we had planned because he said he had a big project due and if he didn't complete it he would be held legally accountable for his contract. I found a contract, yes, but it was for his employment as a dock worker for a shipping company, at a wage much less than what I make, and on an hourly basis. It seems he pnly started there about four months ago. He's always given me the idea that he makes a lot more cash than I do and is always lecturing me about how I should save money, go back to school and better myself. I know I shouldn't have looked. That I should trust him or just walk away. But I did and now Im left wondering if he would lie about his job, than what else is not true? Why would he lie about something like that anyway? I am very independant financially and have never given the idea that I look to him for money or anything other than a good relationship.

 

Any advice?

[Laurynn]

The first thing I will say is, 'YIKES'!

 

I remember your past posts...about him locking lips with the chick in the bar/supposedly cuz you were making out on the dance floor with someone.

 

I'm sorry to read that you allowed this wanker to move in with you. The fact that you don't trust him (and rightly so) should have been reason enough for you to put the 'living together' thing on hold for the time being (if not, forever).

 

As for him really being a dock worker instead of a computer dude...wow, that's a shocker. Yes, there might be justifiable reasons why he was too embarassed/proud/whatever, to admit to you that he works this blue collar job for low pay (not that I have anything against blue collar workers, I surely don't!)....but still, a lie is a lie. And this one's a freakin' whopper. You're living with someone who's totally misrepresented his career. It doesn't get much worse than that. By the way, I'd be curious to know WHO was the first one to ever mention living together? Was it him, by chance? And prior to him moving in with you, where did he live? Was him moving in with you a real positive step for him? (cheaper rent? etc)

 

The thing I'd be most concerned about is this...he's 30, if I recall correctly, right? Here you have a guy who's slutting out in clubs with YOU THERE..you've lost trust for him as a result of this.....and now you find out he's lied about his job for, what, 4 months? What ELSE is he lying about? Does he have an ex wife somewhere? 4 kids? Criminal record? Any history of mental illness? Any sexually transmitted diseases such as HIV, Herpes or Genital Warts? etc etc

 

Frankly, given the enormity of this latest 'discovery', I wouldn't think twice about busting his ass and ASAP. Not sure how to explain to him what you were doing in his wallet? Well seeing how he's the King of Lies, tell a little one yourself. (I bet I'll get flamed for this but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do) Tell him you wanted to put a little love-note in his wallet to surprise him...or a picture of yourself, and in the process of doing so, you found this 'info'.......

 

Sorry Angel, I could be wrong, but I get the distinct impression that he sees you as a money-pit..and considering he makes much less than you, he likely sees living with you a great deal...cuz he gets a nice place, sex, someone who cooks and cleans and makes a nice home (you) all for a good price (half of the rent, which is possibly less than he paid previously)....plus he doesn't have the pressure of his poor income to stress him out, cuz now there's two incomes, and yours is great.

 

One thing I'm surprised about, though....in all these months he's been working at the dock instead of where he alleged to work (or WHAT he alleged to be doing as a career), didn't you ever call him up at work? Didn't he ever call you FROM work? Didn't he dress a little too 'casual' for someone who was working in an office environment? (don't imagine dock workers wear anything more than jeans, tshirts, etc)

 

How did you meet this winner? Had you known him for long before you started dating him? Did you meet him through friends? Know much about his history? In light of this stuff youv'e found out, I would seriously look into having a background check done on him.......if in fact you're not about to dump his ass. I believe in most states, if you contact the County Court House, they can tell you how you go about having a check done....it's like $10 or something. You'd need his full name and birthdate...if you had his SS#, that would help even moreso. I had this done once on a guy I met online (years ago) who lived in Raleigh NC..... The info I could expect to find was whether he had any past arrests or convictions .and it would definitely give his true marital status. Look into having this done. Who knows, and I don't mean to scare you, but this goof could have a criminal record......you just never know.

 

L

[Not A Schmuk (I Hope)]

Thanks for the input.

 

Yes,I have had a lot of suspicions regarding this guy's financial situation. As I said, he is 30, and get this - His account is in his mom's name. At least that is what he has told me. He says it is to help him control his spending, because he racked up a huge credit card debt (He has a gold card currently sitting around $10,000.00). You'd think a 30 yearold could control his own money, especially when he lectures me on how to handle mine...

 

But I never thought he was lacking in money, since he wears high end clothes imported from Italy, takes me out to nice restaurants, and he just purchased a new car. How could he afford these things if he is totally broke? But something is funny with that, too. I have never seen his driver's license. And as you know, I went through his wallet. He always brings his passport out if we go to a bar that requires ID.

 

Then there was a strange story he told me a few months ago. He said a copy of his credit card had been found on a homeless man by the police. Weird. They called him to inform him, but I guess it had never been used anyway.

 

I guess I let this stuff slide because I really don't think it is my business. I am independant financially, and I can afford to pay my own rent/living expenses without him. I would never lend him money or have a joint account, so the only way these things would affect me is emotionally.

 

I've been hurt before, so I don't think it would totally destroy me if things turned south, so I guess I am waiting to see how this all turns out. We really do get along well - I am pretty eccentric in my sense of humor and easy going regarding my lifestyle, so on those levels, we mesh very well. And, truth be told, his lies about his job are a lot less of an infraction than what some guys have done to me in the past. I mean, I once was seeing a guy who attempted to date both me and my best girlfriend at the same time! Another guy stalked me for months after we broke up. My ex husband used to beat me. My ex boyfriend was a drug addict who emotionally abused me. Guys can be real a**holes.

 

So at this point, as serious as his lies may seem, to me they aren't really as bad as they could be. He is very sweet to me and smart,considerate, etc. I don't need him to make me strong. I can stand on my own two feet just fine.

 

His mom has defended him re: the kissing thing, saying it was wrong, but she knows he cares very much for me and feels it was an honest mistake on his part. I've told him in no uncertain terms if it ever happens again, I will launch his stuff over my balcony and never speak to him again.

 

Why would his mom defend him to me if he is full of sh**?

 

I've met several of his friends (Girls, guys, couples) and they are all higher class, intellegent people. They have never given me any impression that he is that far from what He has presented himself to be. Am I to think they are all in on some kind of grandious scheme to get him cheaper rent???

 

Seems a little paranoid to think that all these people would be covering for him.

 

Besides the job thing, it could be worse... As long as I am aware of what's going on (aka keeping an eye on the little bastard) and he treats me well...

 

God, am I totally dilluded? Maybe just TOO easy going and independant?

[ok]

Does he deal in drugs?

 

His high-spending ways coujld be the result of a cash income.

 

His user attitude too.

 

Move on!

[Naive Police]

Yes,I have had a lot of suspicions regarding this guy's financial situation. As I said, he is 30, and get this - His account is in his mom's name. At least that is what he has told me. He says it is to help him control his spending, because he racked up a huge credit card debt (He has a gold card currently sitting around $10,000.00). You'd think a 30 yearold could control his own money, especially when he lectures me on how to handle mine...

So he has his mommy helping him manage his money? wow, this sounds like good future husband material. not. is he going to be 40 years old and still having mommy in charge of his bank acct? you respect a grown man like this? i can't see how. and either he's lecturing you becuz he doesn't want you to end up in the financial mess he (somehow?) got himself into or else he wants you to watch your money so that you can pay all the bills should he not be able to contribute his share.

But I never thought he was lacking in money, since he wears high end clothes imported from Italy, takes me out to nice restaurants, and he just purchased a new car. How could he afford these things if he is totally broke? But something is funny with that, too. I have never seen his driver's license. And as you know, I went through his wallet. He always brings his passport out if we go to a bar that requires ID.

red flag #425. men who have their mommies helping them to manage their checking acct/money, don't have the dough to go out and buy expensive clothes and cars. and if he's in such a financial mess I'd be curious to know how he was able to buy a car? sounds like his credit history isn't great and most dealerships (even those selling used cars) are sticky when it come to financing someone with bad credit or lots of debt (plus a poor income, like you said he has at his dock worker job). like "ok" suggested, it's possible he sells drugs and that's providing the cash to buy these fancy things. you want to take a chance and live with a drug dealer? get your head out of the sand. this surely isn't the last man on earth. he sounds like a total loser with nothing to offer your relationship in the future. surely you don't move in with someone without the hopes of one day settling down together. but here you have a guy who's telling lies all over the place, he's a financial f_ck-up yet he has money for a new car. and you've never seen his driver's license? well girly, you better get to searching for it because if you're riding around with a guy who doesn't have one, then you're just crazier than a hoot owl. people don't lose their licenses unless for a good reason. was he previously charged with DUI? if so, how many times? vehicular manslaughter but a good lawyer got him off? hit and run? the list of possible reasons that he may not have a license are endless. you're creative, tell him you want to see his driver's license picture. show him yours and laugh about how silly you think you look then ask to see his.

 

maybe he's not even who he says he is? maybe he has a whole different ID? Maybe he's wanted in several states for fraud? maybe he doesn't have a license because if he applied for one, he'd get busted. you need to wake up and get real here.

Then there was a strange story he told me a few months ago. He said a copy of his credit card had been found on a homeless man by the police. Weird. They called him to inform him, but I guess it had never been used anyway.

Yeah that is weird.

I guess I let this stuff slide because I really don't think it is my business. I am independant financially, and I can afford to pay my own rent/living expenses without him. I would never lend him money or have a joint account, so the only way these things would affect me is emotionally.

um, hello? of course it's your business. this man is living with you. he's sharing a home and a bed with you. he could be a serial rapist for all you know considering all the secrets he has and lies he's told. don't you think your gut is telling you something for a reason? it doesn't matter one bit how independent you are. what matters is that you're living with a guy who's been telling bold faced lies about what he does for a living. the point of this all is: what else could he be lying about? maybe he's short on cash cuz he has a family somewhere and he spends most of his cash on alimony and child support. how do you know he's not still married to someone? sorry but you seem far too quick to blow off these glaring red flags. and if you don't think any of this your business and you're so willing to overlook what most women would be running from then why are you even posting here? cuz it obviously bothers you. common sense, girl. use it.

I've been hurt before, so I don't think it would totally destroy me if things turned south, so I guess I am waiting to see how this all turns out. We really do get along well - I am pretty eccentric in my sense of humor and easy going regarding my lifestyle, so on those levels, we mesh very well. And, truth be told, his lies about his job are a lot less of an infraction than what some guys have done to me in the past. I mean, I once was seeing a guy who attempted to date both me and my best girlfriend at the same time! Another guy stalked me for months after we broke up. My ex husband used to beat me. My ex boyfriend was a drug addict who emotionally abused me. Guys can be real a**holes.

yeah, so? who says he doesn't have the potential to one day do these things to you? it's absurd to qualify someone as a "good guy" only because they treat you better than the last schmucks. that's like saying someone who commits armed robbery is a better person than someone who kills in cold blood.

 

his lies are a lot less of an infraction? since when? the guy leaves the house each morning pretending to be going to his computer job when in fact he's working on the docks for sh_tty money. so, he's lying to you each and every single day. that's acceptable to you? do you see yourself as a worthless doormat who deserves to put up with sharing the same bed with someone who lies on a daily basis?

 

of anyone I ever lived with in the past, i knew a hell of a lot more about them than you know about this guy and I think most women are the same. i'd know exactly where my guy worked, would have been to his workplace at some point to see for myself that he worked there. I'd have his work number and he'd call me from there on occasion and i'd note on my caller id that he was in fact caling me from where he said he worked. I'd know for sure how he managed his money, who was his account holder, how much debt he had and why he had so much debt. these are things that 2 stable people discuss well before they make the decision to live together. it's about being informed. you don't sound the least bit informed and you don't seem to mind.

 

and you call him being sweet to you, him making out with some woman in a club that you're at together? sorry but he sounds like a conniving loser. cagey, scammer type guys are usually very smooth and sweet. that's how they find victims. you are only setting yourself up for trouble by putting up with all this and being so accepting of being lied to. and someone asked how you had met him. it wasn't online was it by chance?

[Naive Police]

whoops, hit send too soon.

So at this point, as serious as his lies may seem, to me they aren't really as bad as they could be. He is very sweet to me and smart,considerate, etc. I don't need him to make me strong. I can stand on my own two feet just fine.

this has nothing to do with your ability to stand on your own 2 feet. hello? this has everything to do with you being in a relationship with a liar and a financial flop who has secrets. and by the way, Ted Bundy was a very intelligent (University educated big time), sweet and charming guy too. So your point is?

His mom has defended him re: the kissing thing, saying it was wrong, but she knows he cares very much for me and feels it was an honest mistake on his part. I've told him in no uncertain terms if it ever happens again, I will launch his stuff over my balcony and never speak to him again.

 

Why would his mom defend him to me if he is full of sh**?

maybe she's living in la-la land too. Or maybe she's one of those protective mommies who wants her sonny boy to be happy and she sees you make him happy so she wants to do and say all she can to make sure you stick with him. she could simply be trying to take your side as a way of sucking you in and helping to smooth things over. seems to have worked hey?

I've met several of his friends (Girls, guys, couples) and they are all higher class, intellegent people. They have never given me any impression that he is that far from what He has presented himself to be. Am I to think they are all in on some kind of grandious scheme to get him cheaper rent???

I'm sure lots of classy drug dealers have classy friends too. it's ludicrous to judge a person's integrity and character solely by the friends he has. jesus, think about it. he's duped you for ?4 months into thinking he works an office job when in fact he works on the docks. if he could bamboozle you, his girlfriend, and the lady he's living with, surely he could fool his friends, too. why would his friends know anything about his financial situation? surely he doesn't tell everyone he's a financial dope. how would they know if he's ever had trouble with the law unless he told them about it? I'm sure Ted Bundy had friends too. In fact, wasn't he a university professor? I'm sure he had plenty of colleagues he considered friends. Also, friends aren't going to spill the beans to their buddy's girlfriend. Their loyalty would remain with their friend and they won't say a word to make him appear in a bad light. sorry but you're really very naive.

Seems a little paranoid to think that all these people would be covering for him.

who says they're covering for him? maybe he's duped them too. seriously, how "personally or intimately" do friends really know one another? surely they're not going to take you aside and tell you "Joe is a bum and a drug dealer and he's lost his license and he's a known scammer so you ought to dump his ass."

Besides the job thing, it could be worse... As long as I am aware of what's going on (aka keeping an eye on the little bastard) and he treats me well...

well yeah, when it comes to anything in life there's always something that could be worse but what does that really mean? are you so hard up for a guy that you're willing to share your life with a possible pathological liar? yeah it could be worse. you could come home one day and find all your stuff is gone. or the cops are at your door looking for him and because you're his girlfriend, they assume you're aware of his "goings-on".... or he could be a dealer and some of his contacts could get pissed at him and come to his residence to "collect" and they don't bring toy pistols with them... or he's got 3 kids somewhere plus a wife. you call him the "little bastard" like this is all some big joke. how in god's name can you say he treats you well when he's a walking lie? you think being lied to on a regular basis (just the lies you're AWARE OF) is respect and being treated well?

God, am I totally dilluded? Maybe just TOO easy going and independant?

Yes, you are extremely deluded. And again this has nothing whatsoever to do with your sense of independence. nobody's saying you can't support yourself. this is about you being with someone who's lying about one of the biggest parts of his life: his job. this is about a grown man relying on his freaking mommy to help him manage his money yet he strangely has all this cash to buy Italian clothes and new cars (drug money buys all this?) You have a guy who produces his passport when ID'd in a club. That's bizarre. who the hell carries around their passport with them? there's got to be a reason he doesn't show his license and a reason why you didn't find it.

 

Did you know that if he's driving around without a license, then that means he also doesn't have insurance on his vehicle or if he somehow wangled his way so that he does have insurance, if he's to blame for a traffic accident and you're severely injured, he'll have NO insurance coverage....so should you be injured enough to require months of hospitalization, you better have a pot of gold sitting somewhere cuz his insurance will cover nothing.

 

stop being so damn naive. your situations sounds so similar to the stories i watch on TV, on Dateline and 48 Hours...about young girls getting mixed up with whackos and scammers and criminals...only to end up dead in a ditch somewhere and her family is left to pick up the pieces and try to figure out how she didn't "catch onto him sooner." Stop being so naive. Either do some major assed digging (look in his glovebox for car insurance papers, see whose name the car title is in, check his bank statements, check his cell bill, ask to see his driver's license, etc etc) or get the hell out before it's too late.

[Rachel]

Please, please, please, please, please get your head out of the SAND.

 

You are in deep doo-doo and I think you know it. EVERY SINGLE word the Naive Police has written is on the money.

 

Honey, I think your gut is telling you something is very wrong and it is.

 

1.He is NOT treating you right. If he was, then he wouldn't be portraying himself as something he's not. We spend 8-10 hours a day at a job. THat is 1/3 of the

 

day. So he is lying about 33% of the day. WOW, great guy.

 

2. You have serious self esteem problems. Please get in touch with someone how can help you out of this mess. Just because the guy isn't beating you, doesn't mean he's treating you well.....

 

Someone how is smiling while screwing you(lying about several things), is worse than a man who is beating you. You will never be able to trust a man if you keep putting up with this.

 

Go back and Re-read your posts carefully..... maybe they will spark something.

 

Like the Naive Police said, if you on SOME level didn't believe something is seriously seriously wrong, you wouldn't be on this post.

 

Listen, the fact that his mother is on his side, means absolutely nothing. He's her BABY, so of course she will defend him. Are you absolutely naive or what? Of course she said it was wrong of him kiss someone else, what else did you think she would say?

 

Also, don't you think he's told his MOM, his friends, etc. not to mention about the fact that he works in the docks? So, not only is he lying, but tons of other people are lying too.

 

Please hire a private investigator. I think it is due(seriously).... There are more red flags in your posts than I think we have had on this site in over 2 months.

 

What do you have to lose? He can follow this guy around for 2 days, it might cost you 700-800 dollars, but you will have some peace of mind.

 

I also agree with getting him to show you his drivers license. If you can grab his passport, copy his SS# and do a search on him.

 

Honey, you are in T-R-O-U-B-L-E...... You need to be smart and get your situation cleared up.

 

Being independent, doesn't mean you have to be STUPID.

 

Good Luck

So he has his mommy helping him manage his money? wow, this sounds like good future husband material. not. is he going to be 40 years old and still having mommy in charge of his bank acct? you respect a grown man like this? i can't see how. and either he's lecturing you becuz he doesn't want you to end up in the financial mess he (somehow?) got himself into or else he wants you to watch your money so that you can pay all the bills should he not be able to contribute his share. red flag #425. men who have their mommies helping them to manage their checking acct/money, don't have the dough to go out and buy expensive clothes and cars. and if he's in such a financial mess I'd be curious to know how he was able to buy a car? sounds like his credit history isn't great and most dealerships (even those selling used cars) are sticky when it come to financing someone with bad credit or lots of debt (plus a poor income, like you said he has at his dock worker job). like "ok" suggested, it's possible he sells drugs and that's providing the cash to buy these fancy things. you want to take a chance and live with a drug dealer? get your head out of the sand. this surely isn't the last man on earth. he sounds like a total loser with nothing to offer your relationship in the future. surely you don't move in with someone without the hopes of one day settling down together. but here you have a guy who's telling lies all over the place, he's a financial f_ck-up yet he has money for a new car. and you've never seen his driver's license? well girly, you better get to searching for it because if you're riding around with a guy who doesn't have one, then you're just crazier than a hoot owl. people don't lose their licenses unless for a good reason. was he previously charged with DUI? if so, how many times? vehicular manslaughter but a good lawyer got him off? hit and run? the list of possible reasons that he may not have a license are endless. you're creative, tell him you want to see his driver's license picture. show him yours and laugh about how silly you think you look then ask to see his. maybe he's not even who he says he is? maybe he has a whole different ID? Maybe he's wanted in several states for fraud? maybe he doesn't have a license because if he applied for one, he'd get busted. you need to wake up and get real here. Yeah that is weird. um, hello? of course it's your business. this man is living with you. he's sharing a home and a bed with you. he could be a serial rapist for all you know considering all the secrets he has and lies he's told. don't you think your gut is telling you something for a reason? it doesn't matter one bit how independent you are. what matters is that you're living with a guy who's been telling bold faced lies about what he does for a living. the point of this all is: what else could he be lying about? maybe he's short on cash cuz he has a family somewhere and he spends most of his cash on alimony and child support. how do you know he's not still married to someone? sorry but you seem far too quick to blow off these glaring red flags. and if you don't think any of this your business and you're so willing to overlook what most women would be running from then why are you even posting here? cuz it obviously bothers you. common sense, girl. use it. yeah, so? who says he doesn't have the potential to one day do these things to you? it's absurd to qualify someone as a "good guy" only because they treat you better than the last schmucks. that's like saying someone who commits armed robbery is a better person than someone who kills in cold blood. his lies are a lot less of an infraction? since when? the guy leaves the house each morning pretending to be going to his computer job when in fact he's working on the docks for sh_tty money. so, he's lying to you each and every single day. that's acceptable to you? do you see yourself as a worthless doormat who deserves to put up with sharing the same bed with someone who lies on a daily basis? of anyone I ever lived with in the past, i knew a hell of a lot more about them than you know about this guy and I think most women are the same. i'd know exactly where my guy worked, would have been to his workplace at some point to see for myself that he worked there. I'd have his work number and he'd call me from there on occasion and i'd note on my caller id that he was in fact caling me from where he said he worked. I'd know for sure how he managed his money, who was his account holder, how much debt he had and why he had so much debt. these are things that 2 stable people discuss well before they make the decision to live together. it's about being informed. you don't sound the least bit informed and you don't seem to mind. and you call him being sweet to you, him making out with some woman in a club that you're at together? sorry but he sounds like a conniving loser. cagey, scammer type guys are usually very smooth and sweet. that's how they find victims. you are only setting yourself up for trouble by putting up with all this and being so accepting of being lied to. and someone asked how you had met him. it wasn't online was it by chance?

[Rachel]

I know we sound a bit harsh, but please understand that its because we think you need immediate help.

 

Will you please post and keep us informed about what's going on? I really think we can help you.

 

Good luck, and open your eyes.

 

I'd responded to you down below but hit "send" too soon and had more to add to your previous comments. Part 2 won't post there for some reason so I'm posting it up here: whoops, hit send too soon. this has nothing to do with your ability to stand on your own 2 feet. hello? this has everything to do with you being in a relationship with a liar and a financial flop who has secrets. and by the way, Ted Bundy was a very intelligent (University educated big time), sweet and charming guy too. So your point is? maybe she's living in la-la land too. Or maybe she's one of those protective mommies who wants her sonny boy to be happy and she sees you make him happy so she wants to do and say all she can to make sure you stick with him. she could simply be trying to take your side as a way of sucking you in and helping to smooth things over. seems to have worked hey? I'm sure lots of classy drug dealers have classy friends too. it's ludicrous to judge a person's integrity and character solely by the friends he has. jesus, think about it. he's duped you for ?4 months into thinking he works an office job when in fact he works on the docks. if he could bamboozle you, his girlfriend, and the lady he's living with, surely he could fool his friends, too. why would his friends know anything about his financial situation? surely he doesn't tell everyone he's a financial dope. how would they know if he's ever had trouble with the law unless he told them about it? I'm sure Ted Bundy had friends too. In fact, wasn't he a university professor? I'm sure he had plenty of colleagues he considered friends. Also, friends aren't going to spill the beans to their buddy's girlfriend. Their loyalty would remain with their friend and they won't say a word to make him appear in a bad light. sorry but you're really very naive. who says they're covering for him? maybe he's duped them too. seriously, how "personally or intimately" do friends really know one another? surely they're not going to take you aside and tell you "Joe is a bum and a drug dealer and he's lost his license and he's a known scammer so you ought to dump his ass." well yeah, when it comes to anything in life there's always something that could be worse but what does that really mean? are you so hard up for a guy that you're willing to share your life with a possible pathological liar? yeah it could be worse. you could come home one day and find all your stuff is gone. or the cops are at your door looking for him and because you're his girlfriend, they assume you're aware of his "goings-on".... or he could be a dealer and some of his contacts could get pissed at him and come to his residence to "collect" and they don't bring toy pistols with them... or he's got 3 kids somewhere plus a wife. you call him the "little bastard" like this is all some big joke. how in god's name can you say he treats you well when he's a walking lie? you think being lied to on a regular basis (just the lies you're AWARE OF) is respect and being treated well? Yes, you are extremely deluded. And again this has nothing whatsoever to do with your sense of independence. nobody's saying you can't support yourself. this is about you being with someone who's lying about one of the biggest parts of his life: his job. this is about a grown man relying on his freaking mommy to help him manage his money yet he strangely has all this cash to buy Italian clothes and new cars (drug money buys all this?) You have a guy who produces his passport when ID'd in a club. That's bizarre. who the hell carries around their passport with them? there's got to be a reason he doesn't show his license and a reason why you didn't find it. Did you know that if he's driving around without a license, then that means he also doesn't have insurance on his vehicle or if he somehow wangled his way so that he does have insurance, if he's to blame for a traffic accident and you're severely injured, he'll have NO insurance coverage....so should you be injured enough to require months of hospitalization, you better have a pot of gold sitting somewhere cuz his insurance will cover nothing. stop being so damn naive. your situations sounds so similar to the stories i watch on TV, on Dateline and 48 Hours...about young girls getting mixed up with whackos and scammers and criminals...only to end up dead in a ditch somewhere and her family is left to pick up the pieces and try to figure out how she didn't "catch onto him sooner." Stop being so naive. Either do some major assed digging (look in his glovebox for car insurance papers, see whose name the car title is in, check his bank statements, check his cell bill, ask to see his driver's license, etc etc) or get the hell out before it's too late.

[Schmucky]

Whoa. I am blown away by all the responses. Is this really such an obviously horrendous situation? I must say, although I have had my concerns over some things in this relationship, I never thought I was in such dire straits...

 

Please beleive me when I say I KNOW he is not a drug dealer. I have had problems with drugs in my past. He is TOTALLY against them. I don't have a problem with using recreational drugs if that is what you are into, though I know it is not for me. He is aware of my past and, once again, has ALWAYS been COMPLETELY negetive about drug use of any kind.

 

I have had problems with drinking as well. He has been helping me on the road to recovery with this issue as well. He has been a VERY good influence on me as far as my lifestyle and setting goals for my future. I feel that with his support, I have been able to make some very positive changes in my life.

 

Perhaps I have only presented the negetives here to you, as they are what cause me concern. Perhaps the positives do not, in your eyes, outweigh the concerns I have presented. But when I take into consideration the POSITIVE things this man has brought into my life, I know the negetive things must be taken into perspective.

 

Once again, I know he is not, by any stretch of the imagination, involved with drugs. Yes, I think he has lost his license due to DUI, but as terrible as that may be, I also know many, many young people who have done the same. That does not make him "Ted Bundy".

 

I am just concerned about these things I have discovered of late. You all have given me a lot to think about, a lot to be aware of, though I do think it has been taken to an extreme. As I said above, maybe because I have not presented the yin to the yang.

 

I agree that he and I need to talk about these issues, which I will do in due time. Thank you all for being a sounding board to help me get perspective on these issues. I think that is what I find beneficial, that you take a look at my situation without any bias and make me consider things from a different angle (Including taking these questions more seriously)

 

Further opinions will be appreciated. I obviously have a lot to think about...

[velvet]

You wrote "I think he has lost his license due to DUI"

 

You obviously dont know the guy all that well. Why do you want to continue seeing someone you lives a lie with you, while living with you.

 

I certainly would not have anyone under my roof, I dont know.

 

Whoa. I am blown away by all the responses. Is this really such an obviously horrendous situation? I must say, although I have had my concerns over some things in this relationship, I never thought I was in such dire straits... Please beleive me when I say I KNOW he is not a drug dealer. I have had problems with drugs in my past. He is TOTALLY against them. I don't have a problem with using recreational drugs if that is what you are into, though I know it is not for me. He is aware of my past and, once again, has ALWAYS been COMPLETELY negetive about drug use of any kind. I have had problems with drinking as well. He has been helping me on the road to recovery with this issue as well. He has been a VERY good influence on me as far as my lifestyle and setting goals for my future. I feel that with his support, I have been able to make some very positive changes in my life. Perhaps I have only presented the negetives here to you, as they are what cause me concern. Perhaps the positives do not, in your eyes, outweigh the concerns I have presented. But when I take into consideration the POSITIVE things this man has brought into my life, I know the negetive things must be taken into perspective. Once again, I know he is not, by any stretch of the imagination, involved with drugs. Yes, I think he has lost his license due to DUI, but as terrible as that may be, I also know many, many young people who have done the same. That does not make him "Ted Bundy". I am just concerned about these things I have discovered of late. You all have given me a lot to think about, a lot to be aware of, though I do think it has been taken to an extreme. As I said above, maybe because I have not presented the yin to the yang. I agree that he and I need to talk about these issues, which I will do in due time. Thank you all for being a sounding board to help me get perspective on these issues. I think that is what I find beneficial, that you take a look at my situation without any bias and make me consider things from a different angle (Including taking these questions more seriously) Further opinions will be appreciated. I obviously have a lot to think about...

[Rachel]

Hi Schmucky!

 

Yes, you may be correct in the fact that you did NOT play the positives.....

 

However, let me say this, the facts of your case remain the facts..... it doesn't matter if in light of the facts you presented, the rest of the time he was mother Theresa.

 

Also, don't give this man, or any person credit where you have accomplished something positive. If you stopped drinking, then you stopped drinking. That means that YOU stopped YOUR hand from picking up the glass.

 

Yes, maybe he has been motivation for you. Love and feeling good about ourselves brings out the VERY best in us, dont' you think?

 

Nevertheless, these are the facts:

 

1. You are living with a man you dont' know well.

 

2. He has obviously LIED about his profession....so

 

maybe, just MAYBE, he will lie about other things.

 

3. We DO NOT think he has a drivers license....

 

4. He is a hypocryte: telling you to manage your finances, while having his managed by his mom

 

5. While under some supposed "financial trouble", he is living a nice lifestyle..... O.K. maybe he is not a drug dealer, but you also didn't know he worked at the docks....

 

so maybe he has another source of income? What can that be?

 

6. You caught him at the night club planting a juicy kiss on another woman.... again, Y-O-U caught him, otherwise? who the hell knows.

 

Dangers:

 

1. There is a L-O-T we do NOT know about this man.

 

Source of income?

 

Drivers License

 

Social Security number?

 

Lies?

 

Positives;

 

1. Treats you well

 

2. You are happy when you are with him'

 

3. you have accomplished some good things with youself

 

that you think he has had positive influence on you.

 

Things to think about:

 

1. The Long term ramifications of living with someone

 

you T-H-Ought you knew.... being able to trust someone after all this

 

2. The danger of driving in an automobile with someone without a license(and why, pray WHY if he loves you, would he not insist that YOU drive when you are together?)

 

3. A Past we are unsure about....

 

4. What kind of future can be built based on all LIES?

 

5. What kind of future can be built based on SOME LIES?

 

6. Are there other men out there?

 

7. Do you have the guts to think these facts through?

 

8. Do you have the guts to do something about these facts?

 

Well, its your life.... you can live it anyway you want to. But people will only treat us the way we WANT them to treat us. If we want to be abused, they will abuse us... if we are a doormat, they will step on us.

 

Our eyes, are our windows to our soul.... If indeed he is a con-artist, then he can see through your eyes, that you are a loving person, with a bit of a self esteem problem, and, take that all to the bank.

 

Please, keep us posted. Maybe we will actually be able to help someone with a legitimate problem on this site.

 

I was helped on this site a year ago, and the regulars, who know who they are, helped me through a WHOLE lot. I would love to know I was able to help someone else....

 

 

 

You wrote "I think he has lost his license due to DUI" You obviously dont know the guy all that well. Why do you want to continue seeing someone you lives a lie with you, while living with you.

 

I certainly would not have anyone under my roof, I dont know.

[Naive Police]

So now you say you "think" he has lost his driver's license to DUI. Previously you stated he'd (?recently) bought a new car. So are you saying that he drives around in his new car without a driver's license? If so, that's swell.

 

If this isn't the case, and he's not driving around in his new car, then how does he explain the fact that he's not driving around in his new car? You wouldn't find it weird, and ask why your 30 yr old boyfriend isn't driving/able to drive?

 

So how does he get to the docks, does he get a ride or take he bus?

 

Sorry but you do seem awfully naive. If you say you couldn't find a driver's license in his wallet, I guess that would mean he doesn't have one. So then does he or does he not drive? If not, why don't you already KNOW for sure why he doesn't? Either you're leaving out many bits and pieces to this situation or else you're so easy going that you brush off things that most would consider major red flags. I can't figure out which it is.

 

Please appease me, and explain about this DUI/driver's license/new car/does he drive, thing. It's got me really curious. Then I'll just leave you alone and quit giving you my opinion on this whole situation

[Rachel]

Hi. Keep us posted. Any new developments?

[crusty da clown]

bet she's busy with her winning man. maybe she's spent the weekend snooping through his stuff, looking for more clues that she's more then willing to ignore. maybe they sat down and had a good talk and he confessed to nearly everything. maybe he took her for a stroll down by the dock. maybe he let her take a spin in his car that he can't drive. maybe she drove them to his mom's house so that he could pick up his allowance. or maybe he's been so busy over the weekend working on some big project at work (heh heh) and she's spent it reading Nancy Drew books. But maybe not.

Hi. Keep us posted. Any new developments?

[Schmucky]

Thanks so much for your compassion.

 

As if I don't feel torn up enough about this crap going on in my life, I really need your sarcasm and judgement calls to brighten my day.

 

Im sorry that after a lifetime of disappointments and abuse from every person Ive met Im left me clinging to the hope that maybe there is someone out there who is really and truly a decent individual. Im sorry if its hard for me to accept the fact that there really is no one out there whom I will ever be able to find trust and faith in.

 

Thanks for making me feel even more pathetic for wanting to find a soft place to fall in this crap hole of a world.

 

Maybe I am trying to ignore the obvious because the thought of another person feeding me a line of s*** is too much to bear. Im sure I will find the strength to accept it soon, but for now I just can't handle it. Im glad you can sit back and make fun of the fact that my life is turning into a great big pathetic joke.

 

For once I thought I'd found a genuine friend and someone who cared for me in this man. Now I know he is just like everyone else in my life. Do you think that's easy for me to deal with?

[ok]

Hey,

 

You are not pathetic and you are able to find decent people.

 

However, you are in a time of personal growth. You recognize that you attract shmucks and don't know that they are until you are hooked in with them.

 

So what to do about it?

 

Be less trusting, explore your "love" strategies. Maybe get some counselling to explore your life.

 

One thing I've noticed in life, is that there are women who fall in love too fast, blind to the real guy, they only see what they want to see that "fulfills" them.

 

If this is you, why is that?

 

One day you will find love with a great man, but before that happens you need to reflect on yourself, get to know all corners of your mind.