My husband says he loves her now, not me

[kimmyp]

Just over a year ago, my husband, our 5 year old boy plus brand new baby moved out of London to the home counties to give our kids a better life. As part of this, my mum also moved with us to look after the kids as I work full time. My husband and I have been married for 14 years, together for 17 in total and he has, and always will be, the love of my life.

In a new town, 20 miles away from old circles of friends, my husband, who is a very sociable person wanted to go out and meet new friends and have a couple of beers in the local pub.

This was all ok, but increasingly, he began to stay out more and more and then all night. Finally, not coming home for a couple of days at a time. I was obviously suspicious and accused him of having an affair, which he denied. He continued to act in this way and we had some bad rows. At the beginning of this month I finally caught him out having an affair. He answered his phone by accident in his pocket and sure enough I found out.

If the fact that he is having an affair wasn't bad enough, what came next was even worse. He is having an affair with a girl of 19 (he's 40) and he has no intention of stopping. He has now told me that he is in love with her and I am at my wits end. I would sell my soul to the devil to make him see sense. He is walking away from a 17 year relationship and 2 kids of 14 months and 6 years. He says he still loves me but only like a sister or best friend. I am devestated. I can't believe that the man I love and the father of my kids has done this. Is it a mid-life crisis? Does he really love this girl? Please, can I have some opinions as I am totally lost.

[Elena62]

Just over a year ago, my husband, our 5 year old boy plus brand new baby moved out of London to the home counties to give our kids a better life. As part of this, my mum also moved with us to look after the kids as I work full time. My husband and I have been married for 14 years, together for 17 in total and he has, and always will be, the love of my life.

In a new town, 20 miles away from old circles of friends, my husband, who is a very sociable person wanted to go out and meet new friends and have a couple of beers in the local pub.

This was all ok, but increasingly, he began to stay out more and more and then all night. Finally, not coming home for a couple of days at a time. I was obviously suspicious and accused him of having an affair, which he denied. He continued to act in this way and we had some bad rows. At the beginning of this month I finally caught him out having an affair. He answered his phone by accident in his pocket and sure enough I found out.

If the fact that he is having an affair wasn't bad enough, what came next was even worse. He is having an affair with a girl of 19 (he's 40) and he has no intention of stopping. He has now told me that he is in love with her and I am at my wits end. I would sell my soul to the devil to make him see sense. He is walking away from a 17 year relationship and 2 kids of 14 months and 6 years. He says he still loves me but only like a sister or best friend. I am devestated. I can't believe that the man I love and the father of my kids has done this. Is it a mid-life crisis? Does he really love this girl? Please, can I have some opinions as I am totally lost.

 

Kim,

 

I would suspect that the move and his age and leaving his friends behind instigated all this! It's tough to move many miles away from familiar things.

 

Take control of it back for you. He probably thinks he loves her but he doesn't - it's an ego thing!

 

Think of what you want for you. You want your husband back? Fight for him with everything you've got and some tough love. He either finishes his affair or he's out the door forever. Put a time limit on it - one that suits you. If he crosses the deadline, get him out of your house.

 

Read the posts on here, too. Some of them may help you. Get some IC offer him some MC but don't give up and don't think he'll never come home. Your marriage has some issues and all marriages have those. I've broken up and got back together with H so many times I've lost count!

 

Hang in there! My heart goes out to you.

[Geishawhelk]

Think of what you want for you.

I completely agree.

You want your husband back? Fight for him with everything you've got and some tough love.

I disagree. I don't think 'fighting for him' would work. I think this would drive him away even more....

 

He either finishes his affair or he's out the door forever. Put a time limit on it - one that suits you. If he crosses the deadline, get him out of your house.

I completely agree, but make sure the time-limit tells him you mean business. Make it days rather than weeks....

 

Read the posts on here, too. Some of them may help you. Get some IC offer him some MC but don't give up and don't think he'll never come home. Your marriage has some issues and all marriages have those.

Indeed. But some posts here will give you hope, and others will make you despair.

Suggest joint counselling to him. In fact, insist on it, unless he wants to leave, and you mean, right now.

 

I've broken up and got back together with H so many times I've lost count!

Then, forgive me for saying so, and I don't mean to offend, but you're not exactly the model Kimmy needs. This should only ever have happened once. If you keep taking him back (making the possibly erroneous presumption that it's always been "his fault") then it will keep yo=yo-ing this way. This should not keep happening. Losing count is not an option, in my humble and not-very-important view...

[Mr. Lucky]

He is walking away from a 17 year relationship and 2 kids of 14 months and 6 years. He says he still loves me but only like a sister or best friend. I am devestated. I can't believe that the man I love and the father of my kids has done this. Is it a mid-life crisis? Does he really love this girl? Please, can I have some opinions as I am totally lost.

After reading many similar threads here at LS, here is the consensus:

 

Try and get him into MC. If he refuses, let him go and file for a legal separation. He will most likely, after his fling plays out and he wakes up and realizes what he's done, want to return. At that point, you'll have some difficult decisions to make about what is best for you and your kids.

 

Sorry, but this seems to be the way these things play out. Stay strong, your kids will need you through this whole mess...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Elena62]

 

Then, forgive me for saying so, and I don't mean to offend, but you're not exactly the model Kimmy needs. This should only ever have happened once. If you keep taking him back (making the possibly erroneous presumption that it's always been "his fault") then it will keep yo=yo-ing this way. This should not keep happening. Losing count is not an option, in my humble and not-very-important view...

 

Actually, I don't think that Kimmy needs a model. Models can only be presented in real life situations, in every-day living, not on a message board. And at the end of the day not one relationship is ever perfect. Perfection does not exist. Saying ALL of that, not all of my break-ups have been his fault, some have been mine. In fact we've both been at fault, something we both recognise! So whilst some people have the fortune to have only one break-up, you will also find that others have many break ups. And you haven't offended me at all - everyone has a right to an opinion!

 

Best of luck Kimmy, what ever you decide to do about it.

[Geishawhelk]

Thanks Elena, nice reply, I appreciate it....

 

I always get the impression though that, if there is infidelity in a marriage, then there was already an underlying issue present, to trigger it.

I'm not apportioning blame, and neither am I saying Kimmy, that you should have seen it coming... In fact, he probably wouldn't realise that there was an issue already.... But something made him think, "Hmmmm, not too good here, I wonder if it might be better getting it somewhwere else...?"

But that isn't the consideration.

Whatever happened "Then" as a catalyst, is immaterial and irrelevant.

It's what happens "Now" that counts.

[smartgirl]

I think Mr. Lucky sums it up well.

 

Each affair has a degree of uniqueness based on the individuals involved. But for the most part, they are caused by a small number of similar circumstances and follow a small number of trajectories. Taking the course Mr. Lucky describes will help you to find out which are yours.

 

Your H is not in his right mind so don't expect a great deal of rational thought. He feels so good about himself because he is desired by a 19 year old that it temporarily overrides any feelings about what he is doing to you and the kids.

 

The biggest mistake you can make is to endulge this or "give him time to sort out his feelings." Don't let him do that on your time. Tell him he ends the affair now or he moves out. Offer to let him visit the kids and ask him to join you in counselling. Counselling will be needed whether you stay together or not as you still have to co-parent. Set up specific days when he will still come to the house to have dinner with you and the kids.

 

Don't act like you need him, but make it clear that you want him -- on the right terms. If you don't act like you are valuable and worth being treated properly, he won't either. The more needy you appear, the more undesirable you appear. The more confident and self sufficient you appear, the more attractive you appear.

 

It may take time. He may move in with the teenager provided she doesn't live at home with her parents :-) If he does, the normal period of time that lasts is between three weeks and three months. If your H is like most in this kind of extreme age difference affair (more like a crush in some ways) he will realize how foolish he has been and ask to come home. If he does, there can be no pub and no contact. But I don't know your H and I can't say that he will follow that route for sure.

 

Don't try to compete with a 19 year old. She is a fantasy, though it doesn't seem that way to either of you at this moment. Be yourself and be all the things you are best at. He married you for a reason. Just be the best you you can be under these trying circumstances. Regardless of what he does, you'll feel better about yourself in the end.

 

You need to do some serious thinking about your relationship and what problems helped lead to this. I'm not saying you caused it, but it is unlikely that you have nothing to do with it either. Maybe he moved to the country for you and the kids, but secretly resented it. Could be a lot of things.

 

I highly recommend you buy "After the Affair" by Janet Springs-Abrahms immediately and start reading as it helps at this point in the affair as much as after. It can help you look at things that might be behind his actions and help you to understand better what both of you are going through at this time. I read and reread that book from the time of my discovery and it helped more than anything else.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Mr. Lucky]

He may move in with the teenager provided she doesn't live at home with her parents :-)

Dang, smartgirl! That one just made me snort out coffee all over my keyboard. You owe me $9.95 ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedMM]

A few things to consider:

 

The Affair is doomed. There is really no practical way it can work in the long run. There are exceptions, but they are very rare, especially in the case of a grossly inappropriate choice in partners.

 

It sure sounds like classic mid-life crisis to me! He is seeking validation, trying to regain his youth. End result- he'll get neither. Just a matter of time til reality catches up with him.

 

You don't have to put up with any of it. You don't have to accept one single lie, one harsh word from him. This is not your fault. Nothing you could have done would prevent it. You don't have any reason to accept any of the blame for his current foolishness at all.

 

Kinda OT, but the idea of 20 miles being 'far' is a bit odd to me. That's only a half hour or so drive, much closer than my wife's A partner. Must be a cultural thing, I can't imagine feeling separated or isolated by 20 miles, to me that's right next door. I can stand on a mountain and see farther than that on a clear day. I can, however, see how feelings of isolation could contribute to the whole mid life crisis insanity. Still not your fault at all, though.

 

Hang in there, it will get better for you, one way or another. You will get through this.

Edited February 6, 2008 by BetrayedMM

[juliegeraci]

Wow, this is a tough one. First off, I am sorry for your pain. All you can do is tell your husband that you want to save the marriage. Would he be open to going to marriage couseling? If he doesn't give up the affair then the marriage is over plain and simple. I really hope he comes to his sense. I did and I'm much happier in my marriage now. Good luck.

[quankanne]

He is walking away from a 17 year relationship and 2 kids of 14 months and 6 years. He says he still loves me but only like a sister or best friend. I am devastated. I can't believe that the man I love and the father of my kids has done this. Is it a mid-life crisis? Does he really love this girl? Please, can I have some opinions as I am totally lost.

 

yep, it's definitely midlife crisis, or Thinking With His Hoo-Hoo. If you're serious about wanting to save the marriage offering him specific terms: (1) Marriage counselling and we work on the relationship, or (2) don't let the door hit you in the *ss on the way out.

 

my guess is that because she's so young, the "relationship" is going to wear thin in a matter of months and he's going to rethink his position. And it's well within your rights to take him back, but only if certain terms are met (marriage counseling, cutting off all times with chicky-baby, etc) so you can see that he's serious as you are about making it work. Otherwise, you're just spinning your wheels in a relationship that you're probably better off without, even if it means walking away from a 17-year marriage …

[BettyBoop]

It might not be too encouraging, but he will be back sooner than you know...a 19yr old girl doesn't want to hang out with a 40 yr old man for long. They'll have nothing in common, and he is in la-la land if he truly believes that they will become a long-term item. At 19 I was never up for staying for longer than a few months with any long-term guy.

 

Just remember that when he comes back, it should be on YOUR terms - NOT his...

[kimmyp]

Firstly, I want to thank all of you who have posted a reply. All of your advice and comments have really helped and I don't feel as lost as I did (or alone!)

Smartgirl, she does indeed live at home with her Dad (please no more coffee sprayed on keyboards) which makes it even more ridiculous, especially when my husband is probably about the same age! He has told me he's sorry for all the hurt he has caused, but he still believes he loves and wants to be with this girl. Therefore, he isn't even in the mindset to go to MC, as as far as he is concerned, he knows what he wants and it isn't what he has here.

He is now looking to rent a flat. He says to be on his own, but I would put money on her moving in. He says that the love he once had for me had died over a long period of time. He says that because I didn't SHOW him I loved him, he fell out of love with me.

I admit that with a difficult pregnancy, new baby, 6 year old, new house and full time job to juggle, I have not taken the time to kiss and cuddle him, and this I regret. But on the flipside, he has not given me enough support or help to stop me from drowning in all this day to day stuff, and I have felt so knackered at the end of the day I just wanted to rest. We did make love, but not as often as we once did and then I broke my ankle, so life has dealt us with some rough luck.

This girl is everything that would float his boat from a physical point of view. I am not a complete moose, and people still give me compliments and say I am attractive, but I'm not 19, and it's as if he is obsessed with her.

I think that he has got to find his own way. Because he feels the way he does, I can't say or do anything to change that. I really believe that we could sort out the problems in our marriage if it wasn't for her, but he won't give it up right now, so I can't even start to try to re-build it.

I have no idea if this will last, or even if he will ever have that "what have I done" moment, but I need to pick myself up and be strong for my kids.

I will keep you posted.

Love to all, Kim x

[ahah2322]

I have no idea if this will last, or even if he will ever have that "what have I done" moment, but I need to pick myself up and be strong for my kids.

I will keep you posted.

 

 

hey kimmyp, you will do alright. trust yourself. i can't offer you much advice being at a tender age of only 18 but i wish you strength and resilience in overcoming this milestone in ur life. be well.

[Geishawhelk]

Firstly, I want to thank all of you who have posted a reply. All of your advice and comments have really helped and I don't feel as lost as I did (or alone!)

.....I have no idea if this will last, or even if he will ever have that "what have I done" moment, but I need to pick myself up and be strong for my kids.

I will keep you posted.

Love to all, Kim x

 

It doesn't matter how 'lonely' we feel, upon exploration, none of us is ever truly alone, kimmy.

Hang in there.

It sounds very much as if he is resisting because he really wants to be right about this. Unfortunately, only Time will tell if he is or not. But the age gap is huge. And trust me, if this goes on, when he is in his 70's, she'll be in the prime of her life. (around her 50's - right where I am now, and I have never felt better or this good about myself, until now. I am breezing and flying here!! But that's just me....!) At one point or another, it will hit home that she'll no longer be his lover, but his carer. And I have a good friend, married to a man 20 years her senior, (She's 51, he's 72) who has become just that. And I cannot begin to tell you how stifled, limited and 'trapped' she feels. No matter how much she loves him, the dynamics of the relationship have changed, and they're on 'different' footings now.

The big difference is, that young girls nowadays (gosh, I sound decrepit and ancient) through a general shift in social and moral viewpoints, are very much more independent and ambitious. This is not to say these are bad things, not at all. But in some cases, this has nurtured a self-ish attitude, in that girls (rightly and understandably) are now encouraged to look after themselves and put themselves first. The 'disadvantage' to this, if you will, is that young women are losing - or not developping - the nutritive, caring aspect of themselves that would help support such a role. I don't want people to think I am condemning outright, the attitudes and personalities of young ladies today. I applaud anything that can make women equal on every level - socially, morally and everywaypossibly - to men. I'm merely saying that by promoting certain factors, something's gotta give.... Put it this way. If you were married to a man much older than yourself, you probably wouldn't think twice about coming to terms with having to care for him eventually. And ALL that entails....

I don't know if young ladies (such as his fluffy-piece) have actually given it any thought at all, and what would they say if asked?

Again, I am not trying to be disparaging about all young ladies. I'm generalising. I don't mean to offend....

 

But things is definitely different to "when I were a lass"....!

 

Kimmy, you definitly need to focus now on you and your children, full stop.

And if in days/weeks/months, he tries to crawl back, I hope you take the right line with him and close the door. But that would be my take. What you do, in that circumstance would be for you to judge and decide, so really, nobody can truly, really give a verdict on that or even advise you.... Everyone is different.

 

I am convinced that women, emotionally are definitely stronger than men. We are tougher and more resilient, and I think we have a power within us that sometimes scares Men. Which is why we have put up with so much crap from them over the millennia.... They've tried to keep us down because they know ultimately that we have the sharper edge.

"The Hand that Rocks the Cradle Rules the World".... You know?

 

To give an illustration:

The Buddha nearly 3000 years ago, saaid that if women were permitted to follow the Dharma (his teachings) and enter the Sangha (Buddhist Community) then the lifespan of the Dharma would be shortened by half.

Everyone thought for some considerable time that this was a major diss on women. It is now considered highly likely and perfectly probable, by many eminent scholars and authorities in Buddhism (including the Dalai Lama himself) that in fact, what he meant was that if women were permitted to participate, the Dharma would be lost in half the time, because the Male participants would be overly tempted, and would lose their way.

To a greater degree, his prophecy is coming true.

there are many eminent Buddhist Male Masters/Lamas/Gurus who have gathered a reputation for womanising and 'straying from the Path', and have even in some cases been guilty of Rape, or have had Lawsuits filed against them for inappropriate sexual conduct.

there are also many well-known and eminent Female Buddhist Masters. No one of them has succumbed to similar temptation.

 

Just by way of an illustration that it isn't just 'poor mere mortals' who get carried away by the appendage betwixt the thighs....!!

 

Be well, Kimmy.

You are never alone, on here.

And we try to have a giggle into the bargain. It may be the furthest thing from your mind right now, but look at it this way.

Isn't there the faintest and remotest possibility that he might, in the long run, be doing you a favour?

Look after yourself, your children - and your rights.

 

Hugs.

 

Sorry it's been so long, but I hope it helped, somewhere.

Edited February 7, 2008 by Geishawhelk

[LucreziaBorgia]

Find a good, ruthless lawyer and get the lawyer to show you what the maximum amount of support he would be paying for you and your children per month. Now, get your lawyer to tally up all of that for how ever many years he would be paying it. Make sure that part of your settlement includes a clause that OW never be allowed within a certain distance of your children, and that she never be allowed to be present when your H has visitation of the children (if you can - that one might be tricky but people have managed to pull it off). Then, add the cost of the legal representation plus any other money it would cost to keep you afloat. Make sure you get everything. Leave him nothing. Now... write that total amount of money down on a piece of paper. The amount will be astonishing.

 

Then, pack all of his stuff when he is out. When he comes home, calmly tell him that you have retained legal representation, want a divorce and hand him the paper with the very large amount written on it. Tell him...

 

"I understand that you are in love with someone else. I want you to leave and be with her. This is what it will cost you though."

 

Then... do everything you can to make him leave and take his stuff with him.

 

Between seeing that number, and knowing that you are ready to force him out of your life - he will fall all over himself to distance himself from the OW, reverse the divorce, and work on his marriage. When he comes back, tell him that you will not agree to it unless he makes some serious changes - no more pub nights with "new friends", no more OW (complete no contact), and some hard core marital counseling. Be unrelenting.

 

A solid cold dose of reality is usually all it takes to end mid life affairs like this one. He will see his marriage in balance with some teenager and when forced to make a choice will most likely come down on your side.

 

Right now, he is going to continue sitting the fence because your love for him allows him to. He knows you won't kick him out, so he is taking full advantage of that.

[Geishawhelk]

Ooooh.... You ain't called LucreziaBorgia fer nuthin'....!!:laugh:

 

That sounds like a definite plan!!

[quankanne]

ooh, LB, you've got a devious mind. In some instances, isn't the new partner's income also assessed when it comes to child support?

 

I don't know if young ladies (such as his fluffy-piece) have actually given it any thought at all,

 

I guarantee you, younger adults don't think along the same lines, simply because certain realities don't exist. Like the child support and divorce stuff LB writes about, like the fact that after a certain age one's body goes to hell, medically speaking. My husband is 13 years older than me, and I've been dealing with issues I shouldn't have had to worry about until *I* was in my 50s! And that kind of stuff sheds a whole new light on the relationship.

 

not to mention the social factor: At some point, someone in her circle is going to be grossed out by the fact she's with an old man – or some hottie her age is gonna want to hook up with her – and suddenly, kimmy's old man really IS an old man in that 19-yoa's eyes and he's going to be kicked to the curb. Because she will resent him. For being older, for ruining her fun, etc., and she's going to associate him with a controlling father figure.

[Mr. Lucky]

In some instances, isn't the new partner's income also assessed when it comes to child support?

Do you mean the $8/hr she makes in her Barista job at the local Starbuck's ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[quankanne]

income is income, baby!

 

she might be moonlighting at the local Bump & Grind Titty Bar and Gentleman's Club, you never know ...

[Geishawhelk]

OMG'ss....and still living with her dad, you mean....?!

[MarriedLife]

I had flings. This summer I had an A. The difference between the flings and this A is I really thought I felt something for the OW. Those feelings CHANGED. Keeping no contact (NC) helps! I didn't see it then but I see it now. Your H is in an AFFAIR FOG. By the time your H see things clearly and he will, it might be too late. Ultimatums are good. Don't rule out counseling for yourself if H doesn't want to go!

 

Good luck

[kimmyp]

Hi all, yes "Twiggy" (thats her name, not her real name, I think thats something boring) the little fluffy piece has never done a stroke of work in her teenage life. She is obviously having a great time spending H's money on vodka and alchopops and bleeding him dry. He moved some more clothes and stuff out the house this morning and is getting a flat this weekend.

She doesn't work and has no intention of doing so.

That's why I must get the financial side of this sorted out. I think to put something legal and in writing is the best move for me to protect the kids and keep a roof over our heads. What doesn't help is that he owes me somewhere in the region of about £10,000 that I have lent him over the last 5 years to keep his damn business afloat. I feel cheated in more ways than one. In fact, I feel pretty dumb. But I did it all for "us", my money and his money were as one and I would have given him my last penny. Still, i'm told I'm in a pretty good position legally to get him to pay what he should going forward, but I know him, he is crap with money and I am scared he is going to turn me over yet again. You can serve him the papers, but how can you enforce him to hand the money over?

It's all a complete mess really.

[Geishawhelk]

Kimmy, My partner is a 2nd-year mature student at the Hertfordshire University school of Law.

if you need any help.....

 

I can't send you a PM for some reason, the facility doesn't show up when i click on your user-name....

[bobbiestrout]

I think you should put a time limit on him. But don't be too overly upset about him having an affair. I have affairs all the time, and I still love my husband. I do not think sex and love compare.