cheated and paying dearly

[regrets07]

Hi all,

 

I am 34 and was married for 5 years.

 

My marriage was going through some trouble past summer. I collegue started to flirt. W went on trip. Guess what the dumb a** did? Started an affair. My wife was miserable (even w/o knowing, though she suspected), doing all she could to save us. Meanwhile, all my energy that was supposed to save my marriage went into the black hole of that futile affair, a woman that by all means does not deserve to lick the floor W walks on.

 

Then I broke up with the OW, w/o telling W. But it was too late, the damage was done. We separated shortly thereafter, but with the possibility of reconciliation.

 

Then I caught W with another guy. She broke down, was terribly sorry and thought that it was all her fault (our failure), and said she'll feel guilty all her life for that.

 

Well, I could not stand letting her bear the weight of all that guilt , once I had had an affair that was IMO the real cause of our separation. So I told her about the OW, and now she is, one on hand in peace (for knowing it wasn't all her fault) but very hurt also.

 

She forgave me, b/c she is a very good woman, but wants the divorce.

 

Anyway: I am paying dearly, not one day goes by w/o me feeling the sharp, dull aching pain of regret of what I've done. I see the places where me and W used to go and I break down everytime. And for what? For a futile affair that, in retrospect, was absurd and meaningless, to say the least.

 

All of you thinking about cheating: the pleasure you get may last a short while, but the regret, the pain, the wreckage last a long, long time.

 

Peace.

[Cobra_X30]

Well, your marriage is over!

 

Learn from your mistakes. Don't stop living.

 

Shoot, your wife did the exact same thing... without knowing what you did. Plus she didnt fess up... you caught her. So, I'd say you both have a lot of learning and growing to do!!!

[abeliever]

Regret07

 

Glad to hear you finally realized what was right in front of you! Although too late but at least you see it. Sad you "cheaters" don't think past your own wants and desires before making such a life altering mistake.

 

The most you can do at this point is find out maybe thru IC how you can avoid doing this again! Because most of the "cheaters" will go and marry again (why is beyond me?) and hopefully you won't go and ruin someone elses life in the process. That is what would be tragic!

 

On W with another man? Well, my guess is she would have never even thought of seeing any man if her H would have given her the Respect of doing what was right. Either get a D first or tell the OW to get lost your married! But that my friend is too easy, not sure why your type can't just do the right thing. It really is beyond me.

 

I know your hurt is real. So I am sympathetic to that. But look W pain is greater because now not only is she forced to get a D but already dating and nowadays it's scary out there with aids and all. So my sympathy is with your W.

 

But all the same I do feel your pain. Hope you can learn from this one mistake? It is just one mistake or are you a serial cheater?

 

Just asking? Glad you came here but don't expect us in here to pat you on the back a tell you all is well. You did something that is the most cruel to a person who truly loved you. That is hard to forgive. Yes ever for us in here.

 

Best of luck, keep posting you have knowledge that can help us. (did I say that?)

 

abeliever

[Confused9]

Regrets07,

 

did you regret it after the fact? When you first cheated did you think you really liked this woman? Were you even thinking of your wife? Where you trying to justify what you did saying your wife 'deserved' it?

 

Just wondering how a person who cheats feels when they first do it.

 

I am sorry you are in this situation. I agree - get counseling and try and work on why you cheated and what caused you to do it.

 

Good luck to you.

[Scrivdog]

The hypocrisy in your post is just priceless. Thanks for the good laugh.

 

 

Regret07

..

On W with another man? Well, my guess is she would have never even thought of seeing any man if her H would have given her the Respect of doing what was right

..

[abeliever]

scrivdog-

 

I'm curious, you thought differently? So you think she would have anyway?

 

AB

[Scrivdog]

scrivdog-

 

I'm curious, you thought differently? So you think she would have anyway?

 

AB

No, I agree with you that this could very well be . But you seem very unwilling to cut the guy any slack without considering the possibility that she may have been less than ideal as a wife.

 

I'm just thought it was funny that you make a blanket statement about cheaters saying:

 

you "cheaters" don't think past your own wants and desires

 

And yet you offer a justification for the wife's cheating along with your sympathies.

[Trialbyfire]

No, I agree with you that this could very well be . But you seem very unwilling to cut the guy any slack without considering the possibility that she may have been less than ideal as a wife.

 

I'm just thought it was funny that you make a blanket statement about cheaters saying:

 

 

 

And yet you offer a justification for the wife's cheating along with your sympathies.

They were separated...

 

More than likely, she saw the separation as permanent and he saw it as a break. Note...she still wants the divorce.

[Cobra_X30]

They were separated...

 

More than likely, she saw the separation as permanent and he saw it as a break. Note...she still wants the divorce.

 

Usually people seperate with the idea that they will try to work things out.

 

Chances are... She was a crappy wife... he was a crappy husband. He found someone else and emotionally pulled away. They seperated... he dumped the OW, only to find out that his wife had already found another guy and was just strining him along!

 

Hard to just jump on one person here. More than likely they both suck eggs!

[Trialbyfire]

Usually people seperate with the idea that they will try to work things out.

 

Chances are... She was a crappy wife... he was a crappy husband. He found someone else and emotionally pulled away. They seperated... he dumped the OW, only to find out that his wife had already found another guy and was just strining him along!

 

Hard to just jump on one person here. More than likely they both suck eggs!

No, many people separate because it's the only way to get a divorce.

[Cobra_X30]

No, many people separate because it's the only way to get a divorce.

 

Either way they were still married, and its obvious HE felt like they were going to give it another shot!

 

Besides... we dont know when she started up with the OM. Possible it could have been long before he found the OW. What we do know is that both parties show low character!

[abeliever]

Ok Scrivdog- I thought for a minute you didn't like me?

 

I see your point. Although two wrongs don't make a right. I was just saying that I didn't think she would have cheated if he had not done it first. When you find out on D day some people break down others well they do things to get back at spouse.

 

Would I personally do it, no but I am who I am. Did I think about it, sure I did. But that would make me stoop to his level. That way too far down there for me to go. J/K I was just saying she may have been pushed and would have not done such a thing if it had not happened. That's all.

 

AB

[cj1988]

I feel bad for you either way. I am now leaving my H, and it is too late. If he would have tried harder after DDAY, we would not be here now....or we may have anyway.

 

I do not like hurting him, as he enjoyed hurting me. I hope the best for him and a long happy life....most of the time We both deserve a new start in life without all the baggage. After an A nothing is ever the same, that I know. I am not strong enough and or dumb enough to stay with a cheater and l liar anymore, so move on and be HAPPY !