What did you learn?

[annabelle75]

I am curious to see what each individual person affected by an affair learned from the experience. This thread is for those whose spouses cheated on them in the past. Whether you chose to stay married or not, I'd like to know what you learned from it.

 

What did you learn about yourself and what did you do about it?

[Woggle]

I don't know if I learned anything but my first wife cheating on me helped me find a strength I never knew I had. I also learned the truth about a large portion of the female population.

[marlena]

I learned to never, ever stay too long in a bad marriage. Most people do not change... that what you see is what you get. I learned that people usually tell you who they are right from the start but we choose to ignore what they are telling us for a number of reasons. I learned that no matter how hard you try if the other person is not willing to fix things, it's useless. I learned the hard way that above all else, I must love myself. I learned that children deserve a happy, healthy, peaceful and stable environment in which to grow and if that means becoming a single parent, well, then, that's what you have to do.

 

I also learned to forgive and accept and move on. I learned dignity and self -respect. I also learned that there is life after divorce...that sometimes as hard as it is, it is the best choice you can make.

[cj1988]

I have learned being on both sides (cheated on someone a long time ago) that we all deserve a second chance if you love someon. But, if they are not willing to learn and move on and TRY to fix your marriage, it is a waste of time.....It takes 2 to make a M, not one....will not happen !

 

Love is blind and we all want to be happy, but being blind and just stupid are totally different. I seem to be both, but working on it now in therapy and from all you good people here that KNOW what it is like to DIE inside and come back again !

[Impudent Oyster]

I learned never to introduce my husband to desperate divorcee's looking for a man...anyone's man.

 

Actually, I learned to trust my gut and that my husband needs a lot of reassurance and ego boosts, and that our marriage is strong and can endure anything.

 

More importantly I learned to put things in perspective, and that you have to compromise. No one is perfect, no marriage is perfect, and no one person is responsible for anothers happiness. That's something you have to give yourself.

[Impudent Oyster]

Annabelle,

 

What did you learn?

[SueBee3490]

I learned to not "automatically" trust a man. I also learned that because I have certain values or morals on what I would and wouldn't do in a relationship, that doesn't mean everyone else has those same values. (Guess I assumed because I wouldn't cheat on a person, that they won't cheat on me.)

 

i also learned that I am strong too. When I first found out, I didn't know how I was going to survive - but I have.

[Crestfallen_KH]

I learned to trust my gut and INSTANTLY switch my focus to caring for myself, not him.

 

When he first told me he had feelings for her and wanted a divorce, I tried everything I could think of to convince him to go into counseling, stay and work on the marriage, etc. I bought "Divorce Busting" and made it my bible. I never lost it, hit him, or went ape and when he said the SECOND time he wanted a divorce, I just said "Ok, well if you change your mind let me know." I even recommended a separation where we could both pursue new relationships if we wanted, just because I thought he might come out of his fog.

 

While "Divorce Busting" had some worthwhile recommendations for helping me get ME back, all it did was make me into a wimp. I'm sure it's worked for some people, but he had already left the marriage emotionally before he dropped the bomb, so all of my efforts just weren't going to work. There were no children, no property, nothing left that would prevent him from making a clean break.

 

I WISH I had said "Ok, well where do you plan to sleep tonight and every night from now on?" when he told me he wanted to divorce. I WISH I had said "Well, if you're having trouble deciding between me and another woman, I will make the decision FOR you," and I wish I hadn't spent so many months swallowing my pride and making myself weak in the process.

 

I made it easy for him to leave and divorce me and start up with her. While I don't completely regret this (as I can truly say I tried EVERYTHING I could think of to save my marriage and I, unlike him, truly earned my way out of it), I wouldn't do this again.

 

We live and learn. I wouldn't be expected to perform heart surgery with no medical training, so I don't beat myself up over what I didn't know. But if I ever get cheated on again, I'll be able to see through the lies and minimizing and will know that I have to think of myself first and will have a better idea of how it will play out and what I should do.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Sue Bee also has a good point. I also automatically assigned my values regarding infidelity to my ex. We had even talked about cheating and what comprised it. I really believed that my husband had similar character and morals, and would absolutely respect me and himself enough to end our relationship before starting another.

 

As it turned out, he not only cheated on me, but with a married woman. He then moved in with her shortly after her husband and I moved out of our respective houses, and he has already brought her around to meet his family - and this was all before the paperwork had even been started.

 

It's amazing how life can change.

[Frances]

I am curious to see what each individual person affected by an affair learned from the experience. This thread is for those whose spouses cheated on them in the past. Whether you chose to stay married or not, I'd like to know what you learned from it.

 

What did you learn about yourself and what did you do about it?

 

 

I discovered I should have been an actor. For the past 16 months since d day I have been doing nothing else but act out a part and underneath I am a doormat. I live in another world alltogether from my h. Its like I am in a dream world , perhaps someday I will wake up from it and have the guts to kick his butt.

[silktricks]

I learned the importance of being myself. I learned that when I'm andry or hurt or happy or worried I need to speak up instead of sucking up.

 

I learned that just because my husband says he agrees with a decision of mine doesn't mean that he really does. I learned that the second I sense passive aggressive behavior I need to address it. I learned that stress can kill specially it can kill a relationship.

 

I learned that the important things in life are not careers or hobbies or travel or things, but the people you love. And if you put the wrong thing first, you may lose the important thing.

 

Fortunately, my husband learned the same things!

[annabelle75]

I learned to never, ever stay too long in a bad marriage. Most people do not change... that what you see is what you get. I learned that people usually tell you who they are right from the start but we choose to ignore what they are telling us for a number of reasons. I learned that no matter how hard you try if the other person is not willing to fix things, it's useless. I learned the hard way that above all else, I must love myself. I learned that children deserve a happy, healthy, peaceful and stable environment in which to grow and if that means becoming a single parent, well, then, that's what you have to do.

 

I also learned to forgive and accept and move on. I learned dignity and self -respect. I also learned that there is life after divorce...that sometimes as hard as it is, it is the best choice you can make.

 

I could have written this myself. Thank you for putting how I feel into words.

 

And there is defintely life after divorce. Becoming a single mom terrified me, but I now look back and can't believe I stayed in a bad marriage for as long as I did.

[reboot]

I learned that life is too short to spend it being an a'hole.

[Cobra_X30]

If I may,

 

I learned that adults chase selfish interests often at the expense of thier children. That caring is more than words, it is words in action. That though I have it within my power to fix any of my problems, I will still struggle under the burden of my parents sins.

 

I've also learned that despite conventional wisdom... Forgiveness is not required to move on...

[Trialbyfire]

I've learned that there are a lot of selfish people in the world. I've also learned that people can justify anything.

[jj2007]

this is what I learned:

 

ALWAYS trust your gut.

 

Things are not always what they seem to be.

 

Affairs can be syptoms of problems in the relationship.

 

My H has internal/childhood issues that made it easier for him to cheat.

 

What does not kill you makes you stronger.

 

An affair can make a relationship stronger if both parties are willing to work on the crap that got them there.

 

Some OW have no conscience or morals and don't care who they hurt (their H and children included)

 

What I am going to do about it:

 

Try my hardest to do my part in making my marriage work.

 

If it happens again I will be gone.

 

Try to trust again.

 

Try to make the "mind movies" stop!

 

Try to forgive but I will never forget.

[silktricks]

I've learned that there are a lot of selfish people in the world. I've also learned that people can justify anything.

 

If I didn't already know it, I would have really learned this point over the last few years!!! (and not just from the A)

[Trialbyfire]

If I didn't already know it, I would have really learned this point over the last few years!!! (and not just from the A)

Affairs bring out true colours. Once people start down that road, it becomes a slippery slope.

[smartgirl]

This is an interesting question. I have a number of things I would like to relate.

 

I learned things that were very specific to me and my H. We both saw ourselves and each other more clearly after this. We both saw that as much as we thought there was good communication in our marriage, there really wasn't. We both tended to avoid talking about things that were bothering us and then gradually, over time began to hold it against the other person. We now know that is a formula for disaster.

 

From a big picture aspect, I would say I have learned that everyone is vulnerable to affairs. If you think you would never be a WS or an OP you are kidding yourself. We are all vulnerable and when the circumstances are "right" we may step into a situation that might have previously sounded horrible to us.

 

Within the marriage each person must be aware of their own vulnerabilities and avoid relationships that take you too close to a member of the opposite sex in a way that intimacy can develop. You must never take your spouse for granted and stop trying to please them. Everyone needs that kind of attention, because without it our loving, sexual self begins to deteriorate. When people feel neglected they either close themselves off to their spouse or they look elsewhere for the attention.

 

Outside the marriage, you should avoid relationships with married people that get too personal or intimate. They might have been great for you if they weren't already married. But if they are married, they will not be able to have the kind of normal, loving, mutually beneficial relationship with you that most of us want and need. You are entering into a situation from which there is no exit that will not result in someone or everyone being hurt.

 

I have learned that there is not one perfect person for us out there. There could be quite a number of people who could make us happy and with whom we could have a fulfilling relationship. People believe that if they are with their perfect person, the relationship shouldn't require work, it should just happen. You ALWAYS have to work on the relationship - that is the only thing that makes any of them successful in a way that brings real happiness to both parties. There is more to a good marriage than longevity.

[OpenBook]

This is an interesting question. I have a number of things I would like to relate.

 

I learned things that were very specific to me and my H. We both saw ourselves and each other more clearly after this. We both saw that as much as we thought there was good communication in our marriage, there really wasn't. We both tended to avoid talking about things that were bothering us and then gradually, over time began to hold it against the other person. We now know that is a formula for disaster.

 

From a big picture aspect, I would say I have learned that everyone is vulnerable to affairs. If you think you would never be a WS or an OP you are kidding yourself. We are all vulnerable and when the circumstances are "right" we may step into a situation that might have previously sounded horrible to us.

 

Within the marriage each person must be aware of their own vulnerabilities and avoid relationships that take you too close to a member of the opposite sex in a way that intimacy can develop. You must never take your spouse for granted and stop trying to please them. Everyone needs that kind of attention, because without it our loving, sexual self begins to deteriorate. When people feel neglected they either close themselves off to their spouse or they look elsewhere for the attention.

 

Outside the marriage, you should avoid relationships with married people that get too personal or intimate. They might have been great for you if they weren't already married. But if they are married, they will not be able to have the kind of normal, loving, mutually beneficial relationship with you that most of us want and need. You are entering into a situation from which there is no exit that will not result in someone or everyone being hurt.

 

I have learned that there is not one perfect person for us out there. There could be quite a number of people who could make us happy and with whom we could have a fulfilling relationship. People believe that if they are with their perfect person, the relationship shouldn't require work, it should just happen. You ALWAYS have to work on the relationship - that is the only thing that makes any of them successful in a way that brings real happiness to both parties. There is more to a good marriage than longevity.

 

Smartgirl, I wish I could copy-n-paste this post into other threads on here that contemplate marriage. What great insight!! I'm in awe.

[dauphine]

I learned that a seemingly wonderful, caring, affectionate husband can still be the biggest lying, scheming, piece of sh*it that ever existed.

 

I learned that you should never trust or love anyone 100 percent and it's good to keep at least 10 percent to yourself as a "safety net" in case they do betray you.

 

I learned that you should never be codependent on ANYONE for your happiness.

 

I learned that people cheat and yes, it does happen to others but it can happen to you as well.

 

I learned that people can be so selfish and sick that they don't use a condom with several women and thereby putting their spouse in grave danger.

 

I learned that I can get over great devastation, pick myself up by my boot straps, brush off the dirt and become even a better and stronger person than I was when I was married to the sick bastard.

 

I did survive and I am 100 percent better off than I was.

[smartgirl]

Open Book, thank you - that was very nice.

 

I wish it was possible for other people to learn from our mistakes. Unfortunately, the whole problem with this is that every person in the situation thinks they know what they are getting into and that they are in control of themselves and /or the situation. Everyone thinks they have their eyes wide open. Like so many things, hindsight is where you learn all the hard lessons.

[Trialbyfire]

smartgirl, I have to disagree with your following synopsis. If I'm that unhappy in a marriage, I will walk first since I've never been or ever be financially or emotionally codependent.

 

There's always an escape hatch for me because I have sufficient family and lifelong close friends to help me, if I need help, as in the situation of children. If friends and family are unable to help, I will hire help.

 

Never bind yourself into a codependency. Always be independent and look to your marriage as an enrichment of your life, not something to cling to.

 

From a big picture aspect, I would say I have learned that everyone is vulnerable to affairs. If you think you would never be a WS or an OP you are kidding yourself. We are all vulnerable and when the circumstances are "right" we may step into a situation that might have previously sounded horrible to us.

 

[abeliever]

Well, I love all your answers. I too, knew I was strong. Never did I know that I was stronger than my H. But I am.

 

Life is about "free will" and mine was my M. My H was money, power, and women. He also taught me that M's are a game! I never knew that. Boy, do I know that now. I will stand up the first time someone does this to me. (if it should happen again, I sure hope not)!

 

I learned that I need help with a mess like mine. I will never let a affair shame me into silence again.

 

And most of all I honored my M and continue to do so. I will continue until the D is final. That is who and what I am. I learned no man or woman can take that away from me!

 

abeliever:)

[jj2007]

 

If you think you would never be a WS or an OP you are kidding yourself.

 

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would NEVER put myself in that situation. I am a firm believer in treating people the way you want to be treated and affairs hurt everyone involved so much. I couldn't live with myself knowing I had caused others such pain.

 

But that's just me:)