I think I'm having a melt down

[EmotionallyYours]

I'm finally starting my own thread. Wow... didn't think I'd get up the nerve. I think it is because I am having a complete nervous and emotional breakdown!!!!

 

I am in the middle of an EA that has not gone beyond the point of no return. Not from lack of trying on my part lately though. Just good luck and me chickening out at the last minute has kept it this way. The problem is that I WANT it to go down the PA path so badly that my whole body aches. I want it without the consequences though. Yeah... I know... I know... grow up you stupid selfish woman. Right now I'm plotting how to see him this weekend when I have plenty of stuff I have to do with my FAMILY!! Yeah, remember them EY? The guy and two short versions of yourself that you are supposed to be putting before your own needs?

 

My husband is a far better husband than I am wife without a doubt. So much better than the OM!! But the OM is so much more fun and appealing. Yes I will say the same old cliche you hear here a million times. We have so much more in common... he knows the true me... I can be myself around him.... blah blah blah.... You will say that I only see his good points... I ignore all the bad stuff because of the "love" chemicals.... I SEE his bad points and guess what? I STILL don't CARE!!!

 

I think I just want anyone who is NOT my husband and I am such a bad person for thinking this when he is the envy of all the other wives!!! MY HUSBAND IS SO freaking PERFECT that I can't STAND HIM!! I want someone who is NOT PERFECT!! Someone like me with bad habits, who doesn't go to church every Sunday and who is selfish and thinks its OK to pursue having FUN!!

 

I KNOW all the rational reasons for just stopping it etc... I need to be strong and work at my marriage....etc... it will devastate my husband...etc... I will never be the same person again... I will be a cheater... I'M ALREADY A CHEATER IN MY HEART THOUGH!! So what is the difference if I just go all the way anyway?

 

I DON'T want to be married anymore. More cliches... I don't love him anymore, we don't have anything in common, I have no passion for my husband anymore (NEVER DID!!!!).... etc... etc... etc... Yes... I know that I have to work at it. Build it back up....AGHHHHGHHH!!! I already did this once before and I DON'T want to do it again. I'm just too tired....

 

Why don't I just get up the courage to LEAVE???!!!???!!! Even if it is a BAD choice at least it IS a choice....

 

.... because I don't want to mess up my kids who are just so well adjusted and love both parents so much . EVEN THEY ARE PERFECT!!! I can't stand being this way. I am leading a double life in my head that is draining me of EVERYTHING... time... energy... empathy... love... joy... sense of humor... ambition... goals... success...

 

I am so selfish and short-sighted and I HATE myself for my behavior! Why does it always have to be about ME. So what do I do? I write it all down on the INTERNET for everyone to see. LOOK AT ME!! I am so pathetic!

 

I NEED TO YELL AND SCREAM AND CRY AND BE BY MYSELF!! I need to be myself. I don't want to be Mom, wife, daughter, aunt, sister, subordinate, coach, friend, lover ..... just ME. I don't even know if I like myself anymore.

 

I am the QUEEN of SELF-DECEPTION!!! I am someone different every day!!!!! I make up new lies to myself and have become the master of self-manipulation. Who am I truly? I don't even know who I WANT to be anymore? I am split in 2!

 

There is no light at the end of the tunnel and I will just have to keep up this god damned "ACT" for the rest of my life! Figure out what everyone wants and just BECOME it. How long can I continue though? I can't even WORK today? I am becoming absolutely OBSESSIVE!!

 

Will hitting the "Submit" button make me feel better? I really don't know. Since I can't freak out in the middle of my office at work though.... why is this so hard to do when nobody even knows who I am on this site? why do I want people to know and care?

 

How did I lose my maturity and good sense? Can anyone relate / help / understand / knock some sense in to me? I've tried writing down the details of my situation and I've come to the conclusion that they really don't even matter. I know right from wrong. I'm just trying to continually justify wrong because it's just what I want. That does make me crazy doesn't it? Or does it just mean I'm a bad person?

[Cobra_X30]

My mother did this. I'm telling you now its a mistake. I can see why your doing this and you can get this kind of validation without finding it in the arms of another man.

 

Do you understand what I am saying here? It's kind of urgent that you pay attention to me here!

[EmotionallyYours]

My mother did this. I'm telling you now its a mistake. I can see why your doing this and you can get this kind of validation without finding it in the arms of another man.

 

Do you understand what I am saying here? It's kind of urgent that you pay attention to me here!

 

What validation am I seeking? Sexual validation? Validation as an individual? I do not understand why I feel like this. I just know it is WRONG and I can't get it out of my head. How do you KNOW I am just like your mother? Did she share her feelings after the fact? If so... tell me what she told you. What was she missing?

[smartgirl]

EY - I hear what you are saying here in the throes of infatuation. You say you never had passion for your H. Entirely possible you are rewriting the history of your marriage or that you just never felt THIS kind of passion for your H. Good reason for that as you know, this kind of passion doesn't last.

 

I've been through this. I have always posted till this point in my role as BS after my loving mate of 30 years had a year long A with a coworker. A real, almost leaving your spouse kind of A.

 

When I was in my mid to late 30s and my children were very little I felt this way about someone else. Saw his less than stellar qualities and he was absolute pond scum compared to my H - also the envy of all my friends. But I felt a connection with this guy that was consuming.

 

I get the sense that you don't really want to be the person you would have to become in order to pull off an affair. You will become different than you are now and you will not recognize that person. Are you ready to embrace that horror? I'm not sure you are. Of course, you won't see what you have become for awhile. At first you will feel young, beautiful, alive, desirable, powerful. You are probably feeling some of that now, without the benefit of periodic physical release. After you get to the physical stage, the release will only last for maybe a day, after which you are back panting like a bitch in heat. Doesn't sound romantic, but it is an apt description.

 

It isn't easy to pull back, especially if he wants it too. The only way to do it is to talk to your H about this. You don't have to go into details, but you can tell him you feel stale, old, restless, or whatever other feelings you have and that you need to make some changes in your life. Then get to a therapist immediately with maybe some MC down the road.

 

I didn't deal with the feelings that I experienced until after my H's affair and our marriage suffered for it. I felt overwhelmed with the pressure of work, kids and everything that goes around that. There was no romance and I didn't feel very womanly. I felt like my H's business partner. There was no me anymore. No peace. No time when someone wasn't looking for me and wanting me to do something. I couldn't even go exercise without the kids throwing a fit because I was leaving the house without them. I was being swallowed up by my life. When I didn't have the excitement of my feelings for this guy anymore I really felt empty.

 

I have all the good stuff now -- with my H. It took this crisis, but he is more of the kind of romantic partner I wanted than he ever was before - and more than that other guy could ever have been. Get a copy of "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom". Not just about sex, but about making each other feel good. You won't feel like doing some of these things at first. But the more you do it, the more you will want to do.

 

I know you don't want to hear all this self-help crap. I know you want the OM to sweep you into his arms and take you away from your life. At least in hour long increments. But you have resisted to this point and that tells me that doing so is important to you. At least to the real you, not this woman currently inhabiting your body. Just try. Ask the hottie within to take a break long enough for you to have a conversation with your H and to seek out some help. If you discover after trying that you really don't want to be married to this wonderful man then counselling can help you to have a better break up. But you don't want to have to look your kids in the eye and have them know you put their life into a tailspin to have hot sex and feel like the heroine in some romance novel. Do you?

[Cobra_X30]

What validation am I seeking? Sexual validation? Validation as an individual? I do not understand why I feel like this. I just know it is WRONG and I can't get it out of my head. How do you KNOW I am just like your mother? Did she share her feelings after the fact? If so... tell me what she told you. What was she missing?

 

My mom blew apart a wonderful family by letting some guy use her... but she isnt really the point, You are!

 

You are feeling the pressure to be someone that you dont feel that you are. I suspect that your Husband probably has also not been the most romantic guy. So your trying to break out of the expectation that others have placed on you.

 

You need a break, away from work, husband, kids... and most of all that other guy.

 

I would bet money this other guy speaks with a forked tongue. Honeyed words that mean nothing in the end and lead you to ruin. If he cared about you then he would wait patiently for you to divorce before he persued a relationship what would scar your kids for life!

[Mustang Sally]

I understand what you are feeling.

I have had (and some days still do have) many of the same feelings you are describing.

 

But at the end of the day, I DID NOT go through with a PA.

Some days I regret it, wish for it, mourn it. (CRAZY - I know. Just being honest.)

 

But mostly I am thankful.

I'm not completely over it yet.

But I think it is getting better.

When I struggle, I just LOOK AT MY KIDS and remember I DO NOT want to subject them to that kind of emotional trauma.

 

What saved me (in the nick of time, and a very dangerous situation) was ultimately the (obvious) realization that it was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG to get involved with another person while I had unresolved issues with another relationship (and a marriage, at that). Sounds ridiculous, of course, but even a steadfast person can lose sight of what is right at times.

 

I won't condemn you. (No doubt, there are others here who might.)

Just know, there are also those of us who do understand what you are feeling and experiencing, because we have been there too.

 

However, in my mind, even though I can empathize, it doesn't change the fact that it is WRONG, and I don't wish for you (or your family - esp kids) the heartache that will inevitably follow if you don't GET A GRIP.

 

Good luck, keep posting.

Try to work this out of your mind before you do something that you surely will end up regretting.

[EmotionallyYours]

I suspect that your Husband probably has also not been the most romantic guy.

 

I would bet money this other guy speaks with a forked tongue. Honeyed words that mean nothing in the end and lead you to ruin. If he cared about you then he would wait patiently for you to divorce before he pursued a relationship what would scar your kids for life!

 

Wrong on both points Cobra. My H is very romantic.

 

The other guy. MY FAULT. I initiated and continue contact with him. He likes being around me, but he does not try to lure me in. In fact, we have never even brought it up. It is purely an EA with underlying sexual tension that we both "ignore". I just know that if I do bring it up, it will go to PA right away. I highly doubt I'd even WANT to be with him in the long-term. He is even more selfish that I am... just a heck of a lot of fun. In fact, I'm beginning to see that he is just the one who is readily available.

 

I'm trying to be completely honest right now to snap me back. I hate what I am writing / thinking / etc...

[Cobra_X30]

Listen to Smartgirl!

 

The solution is simple but hard. The one thing that kills affairs is the truth. If you tell your H the truth about how you feel and where your going... it will be tough, but you can start a resolution that will not destroy you or your family.

 

I will tell you from first hand experience. You cheat on your Husband, you cheat on your kids too! Your family is one unit. The thought of seeing another child go through what I went through makes me want to cry.

[Cobra_X30]

Wrong on both points Cobra. My H is very romantic.

 

The other guy. MY FAULT. I initiated and continue contact with him. He likes being around me, but he does not try to lure me in. In fact, we have never even brought it up. It is purely an EA with underlying sexual tension that we both "ignore". I just know that if I do bring it up, it will go to PA right away. I highly doubt I'd even WANT to be with him in the long-term. He is even more selfish that I am... just a heck of a lot of fun. In fact, I'm beginning to see that he is just the one who is readily available.

 

I'm trying to be completely honest right now to snap me back. I hate what I am writing / thinking / etc...

 

 

LOL... well it's not often that I am wrong! Let alone twice in one statement.

 

My mom got bored with my dad. Honestly, he is kind of a boring guy. I'm sorry your in this situation...

 

You are painting yourself as the villian... why?

 

What do you see your husband lacking that causes you to want someone else? Or what are you lacking?

[smartgirl]

I'll agree with everything Cobra said, but I'll also say that the last thing you probably want to hear right now is yet another sacrifice of what you want for the sake of someone else. You want something for you. You are probably tired of giving all the time and that is causing you to feel you are selfish.

 

Know what? Sometimes you have to be a little selfish in order to preserve some corner of the individual you, not the collective wife and mother you. But having a PA really isn't the way to do it. At first, try therapy. Someone who will listen to all the things you have to say and not judge you or preach. They will ask you questions and help guide you to an understanding of 1) what is at the root of these feelings and 2) what can you do short of divorce to feel better.

 

Maybe your H is willing to be bad with you, you never know. But Cobra is right, secrecy is the friend of infidelity. Have you been on the MarriageBuilders website yet? Check out his four part series on infidelity and see if some of the information helps.

 

I really feel for you. I know as a woman you want the experience with the OM. You want to feel that kind of passion and transport from your life. But it is a mirage that will only leave you with more problems and woes than you have now.

[V6TransAM]

Listen to smartgirl

 

I did it on the internet, wasnt married and was a 4yr relationship with my beautiful ex? gf? fiance? and its not worth the pain or misery for yourself or the others involved

 

I pretty much trashed all trust and she broke up with me. I might not be able to fix it either, regardless of the steps I am taking to improve myself.

 

Your posting here, you know something is wrong. Heed your gut and work on yourself, family and husband. It will pay off and be far more rewarding in the long run.

[EmotionallyYours]

LOL... well it's not often that I am wrong! Let alone twice in one statement.

 

My mom got bored with my dad. Honestly, he is kind of a boring guy. I'm sorry your in this situation...

 

You are painting yourself as the villian... why?

 

What do you see your husband lacking that causes you to want someone else? Or what are you lacking?

 

Romantic... but boring. I honestly zone out during conversations because I just can't take it anymore. It's like watching a documentary on stamp collecting. Unless you like stamp collecting... He is so sweet and kind and tries to be romantic. I think I feel like it is his job though and whoever he married he would be the perfect father and husband. He doesn't act like this because he loves ME. Because I'm not ME. OK... now I'm crying.

[Mustang Sally]

Thanks for providing all of us with your good advice, Smartgirl.

 

I think for many (certainly for me) the "losing oneself to the many other roles: mother, wife, career-person, etc." was a huge factor.

 

Keep talking it out EY.

[ookla_2]

Oh my friend, I am so sorry you are having one of those days. I know exactly how you feel, I am sorry to say. And I totally get what you are saying when you say you can't believe your H loves you because you AREN'T you.... I haven't been me for a long time....but my H loves who he thinks I am.

 

I wish I had some answers for you. I know how difficult this is...but I am on the other side of my EA now. I will tell you that NC with your EA is the hardest thing to do, but it does work (eventually). I don't know that it will make you rekindle feelings for your husband (I still question mine every single day), but at least you can look at your situation without it being clouded by the OM's presence.

 

I told myself that I'm not myself anymore around my H...and to an extent that is true. I bite my tongue too much, I give up things that I enjoy to avoid fights, I'm somewhat of a doormat (although I'm getting some of my spine back - one vertebrae at a time, apparently ). I was sure that, because I had gotten to know my EA so well, and shared so many of my thoughts and feelings with him, that he knew the REAL me. Truthfully, though, he didn't either. He didn't know me with my kids, with my family, with anyone other than the people we had in common. Turns out the "real" me is some sort of combination of both of those people, just like I'm sure the "real" you is a combination of the one your H knows and the one your EA knows....make sense?

 

EY, I feel your pain. I know that there will be bashing, but please remember that NO, you are NOT a bad person. Bad people cheat and cheat and cheat with no remorse. You are here because you are looking for reasons why you feel this pull to this other man, because you know it's wrong. You are trying to prevent it.

 

((((hugs))))

[Cobra_X30]

Romantic... but boring. I honestly zone out during conversations because I just can't take it anymore. It's like watching a documentary on stamp collecting. Unless you like stamp collecting... He is so sweet and kind and tries to be romantic. I think I feel like it is his job though and whoever he married he would be the perfect father and husband. He doesn't act like this because he loves ME. Because I'm not ME. OK... now I'm crying.

 

Do you feel he could love the real you?

 

Even boring guys want to be fun... you just need to find the way to open him up!

[EmotionallyYours]

Thanks for providing all of us with your good advice, Smartgirl.

 

I think for many (certainly for me) the "losing oneself to the many other roles: mother, wife, career-person, etc." was a huge factor.

 

Keep talking it out EY.

 

Yes, ty Mustang and Smartgirl. This is part of it. There is more to it about the beginning of our relationship that I've never talked to anyone about actually. I will post about it later if I can. I need to think about it at length I think and can't right now. I have to pick up the kids now though and get myself composed. Now that it's the weekend it will be hard to post with H and kids around. He knows something is wrong. When I post on LS, I think that he thinks I'm having some kind of online affair... if only he knew that I'm trying NOT to. He also suspects that my friendship with OM is getting "too close". I am being watched in a way. There is a strain on the "I love yous" when we end a phone conversation etc... I have to be careful to not do anything rash while I am too emotional which seems like always lately. Thank you again... thanks cobra too.

[Cobra_X30]

EY, I feel your pain. I know that there will be bashing, but please remember that NO, you are NOT a bad person. Bad people cheat and cheat and cheat with no remorse. You are here because you are looking for reasons why you feel this pull to this other man, because you know it's wrong. You are trying to prevent it.

 

((((hugs))))

 

True... You are a good person! Believe it! :bunny:

[1002jen]

Welcome to hell. That’s what it feels like, right? I’ve been there. If you check my own other posts here you’ll see where I’ve written my story. I was a lot like you. I lost interest and love for H. I started an EA that turned into a PA. I confessed to my H and had a total breakdown. Vowed to try to make our marriage work and then eventually realized that I just wasn’t happy with my H. It didn’t matter if he was a great guy or a great father, what mattered was that he did not make me happy.

 

I am now divorced, single and happy.

 

It sounds as though you have already realized that the OM is not the reason you are wanting to stray. You are just desperate to feel something ……….. ANYTHING. What do you need to do? Stop talking to the OM and do not proceed into a PA. It will only make it all worse.

 

Tell your H how you feel. It will hurt him but not as much as telling him you have been sleeping with another man. It won’t be fun but it will relieve some of the panic you feel. Coming out into the open and confessing how you feel can be freeing. This act will open the door to the two of you possibly going to counseling, working together to fix what is wrong or just be the first step in ending the marriage.

 

Your not alone. Many people have felt exactly how you feel.

[EmotionallyYours]

True... You are a good person! Believe it! :bunny:

 

Thank you ookla and cobra. Although I can't stop crying... I think this is an improvement actually than before. really gotta go now. I will be late... ty

[Woggle]

Sooner or later you are going to destroy this marriage because of this OM so just leave your husband and go do your thing. Better to get the pain over with because sooner or later you will crack. I just hope you let your husband walk away from the divorce scott free and let him have at least aprtial custody because he should not have to suffer for your sins.

[smartgirl]

You don't know why your H does what he does. Whether you want to believe this or not, you probably fill important emotional needs that he has. You just don't realize what they are. My H didn't realize what I did for him and I didn't either until this experience. I realize now that just by being me, I do things that are very important for him and that the OW could not do. It took us a long time to get to this point, but I now feel more important to him than I ever did before and more than I ever could just by him saying "you are so important to me." I guess I really just needed to understand it better.

 

In your case, you also don't seem to understand what it is about you that makes you valuable to your H. In an A, the OP seems to see the real you, or so you think. They are happy just to spend time with you and it leaves you with a feeling that you are truely seen for yourself and valued -- without having to do anything but be yourself. The feeling is transforming. When you are with them you are only aware of your good qualities, when you are away you immediately begin to feel bad about yourself. There are a lot of reasons for that, but none of them include the OM being your true soulmate. It just feels that way.

 

I understand the wanting to have fun. As a woman, starting to feel that your days as a young, fertile, desirable sex object are winding down is a HORRIBLE feeling. You may not be aware that is what you are feeling, I wasn't. But in hindsite I see it clearly. I just wanted to go out for drinks, talk, laugh, listen to music. My beautiful children seemed like tyrants. It was their music, their TV shows, their schedule. Nothing for me. And that wasn't just an irrational feeling. It really was pretty much like that, but that comes with the territory of having young children and actually being involved with their lives. My H seemed to be complict in this no fun world. Obligation seemed to rule our lives. Of course, 10 years later when he started to feel older and less attractive and like he wasn't having any fun and no one appreciated him - a friendly coworker jumped at the chance to help him feel better. We both know now that isn't the answer. It just makes everything ugly before you know it.

 

Please find a good therapist. Do it for yourself. Spend the money and take the time - you are worth it and you will feel better. I promise.

[Mustang Sally]

EY -

I agree with what others say about telling your H.

Hopefully you can tell him everything (about the feelings you have for OM) but if not details, at least get as many of your feelings out to him as you can.

 

I did just that.

After the dangerous situation where I could have crossed a line (but didn't - must have been angels...who knows?) I came out and told him I wanted to separate and why. About the OM I was physically and emotionally attracted to (he suspected it already anyway, funny how that happens...). We didn't separate. He got himself to counseling (I am the bad one who hasn't yet) and he is doing much better with our R.

 

I struggle to figure out what I want from life in general and whether he and I should be in the picture together - or apart, but the telling him was certainly freeing for me. It hasn't made OM go totally away (far from it, but much of that is related to the specifics of my life/situation), but it did lose some luster. And besides, I couldn't handle living the lie of the messed up stuff I was feeling behind my H's back. On some (many, actually, I guess) level, I care about him enough to not do that to him.

 

A friend of mine (wise woman that she is) told me that her assessment was that I was fixating on this OM because of problems in my M. That my mind needed a "trinket" to turn over and over...as a break from the badness that the M had become, and as something new and fun. I think she was right. The OM did not cause the problems in the M in my case. He came into being (I allowed it) because of pre-existing conditions in my M. Do you think that applies to your situation, also?

[IamASelfishSOB]

Man, this thread is like anti-therapy for me.

 

Smartgirl, thanks for your thoughtful response... again.

[Kasan]

Lady Jane posted a while back about women hitting their late thirties and the fear that comes with getting older, seeing your kids growing up, and wonder if this is all there is.

 

I remember feeling deep dissatisfaction with all aspects of my life back then. I wasn't happy with what I had accomplished with my life, and I wasn't very happy in my marriage. Like your husband, mine was and still is a good man. I felt that the best part of my life had passed me by. I honestly didn't think I could stay married another year with him. I remembered feeling angry at everything and everyone for about a year. Fun stuff huh?

 

From what I remember about your situation, is this your second EA? You are obviously hurting and choosing a very destructive way to make yourself feel better...others might choose drinking or gambling. I wonder if you want to be caught so that your husband will make the decision for you. You do know that you will be caught eventually right?

 

I hope that you can work your way through this, reconnecting in a marriage is hard work, as is divorce and splitting up a family. You are lucky as you have the choice to choose what you want to do.

 

Good luck!

[EmotionallyYours]

Wow. Thanks for all the very well thought-out responses. I don't feel insane at the moment and I had the best possible activity to snap me out of it (a school function with kids and husband).

 

However, I have snapped out of it before. Later tonight after everyone goes to sleep I really want to read and re-read and try to think about this more while NOT in a panic situation. I really felt like I was having some sort of anxiety attack before.

 

Right now I'm going to read my kids a story even though they are getting a little old for it. It has become a tradition though.... thank goodness. I think they have been sensing me mentally not being there lately and need some attention. I am going to spend an hour with them without distraction. Then I will sort out my thoughts and feelings.

 

Thanks again. I'll be back....