Just snooped big time

[almmarti]

This is the first time I have ever written on anything like this before, so here is the deal as quickly as I can say it. I have been married for 2 years to a teacher and he iss helping a senior female student through a very difficult time in her life. It started with he coming over for dinner, he was discussing things with her parents, and telling me I had nothing to worry about. In the past few months, he has asked me to leave whenever she comes over, he has lost 20 pounds, he never wants to be intimate with me (we were trying to have a baby), and he sits for hours on his computer looking up sports. He promised me that he would not instant message her,since I really thought that was innappropriate, but he texts her constantly, now using a blind number so her " mom won't worry about her." He started last week meeting her in the grocery store parking lot to talk to her after she had been out late drinking with friends Last nigh, she passed out, he sent me a message to leave the house so she could wash up before going home, and then he yelled at me when I did come home since I was cleaning the house and it bothered him. He yells at me all the pretty much now, usually to trust him, or that I am just always around and just let him have his time by himself to deal with all of this. Here is the kicker, I have tried really hard not to snoop, but let's face it I have done it, and I have done it big. I counted the number of condoms in his bedside drawer and since we are trying to conceive, that number should stay the same right? Well, I just checked it 5 minutes ago, and there is one missing. What should I do? Just writng it, makes it look like I am such an idiot, but I really want to believe him, I don't want anybody else, and I don't know what to do. Llke other people said, now that I have snooped, I can't take it back, so what do I do? sorry this wasn't short at all.

[agnf666]

First of all it is your house and you should not have to leave for this girl anyways. So, that is one rule you should set up now. Why does he need you to leave anyways? That makes it more obvious that he is up to no good.

 

The only thing you can really do is talk to him about it... Just tell him what you think and feel about it... Maybe he will realize that he is doing something he sshouldn't be doing.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Big huge red flags here. Classic affair signs. Whether or not he has sealed the deal is beside the point - he's obviously interested in starting up something with her that he hides from you. Damage already done. The intent is there, and that is bad enough. Especially damning is the missing condom. What is particularly bad are the legal complications.

 

You need more proof in this situation. There is no doubt that he is having an affair with this girl, but in this case there are legal matters to consider. There will have to be more solid proof: put a keylogger on his computer, monitor phone bills, hire a PI if you can (really your best option - a lawyer can help you with this). Once you get more proof, print out what you find - hide any pictures you get of them, gather all that evidence and have it ready to take to a lawyers office. What you decide to do with this proof is up to you.

 

You can confront your husband with it and threaten to go to her parents and his boss if he does not agree to 'no contact' and marriage counseling. If he calls your bluff, or continues to gaslight you, you will have to decide to take some more dramatic measures.

 

He has some serious consequences to consider given his position.

 

When your H gets caught, he will lose his job, be arrested and have charges pressed against him for having an affair with a student. You have a choice: protect his crimes or end them. If you want this to end, there is only one guaranteed way to stop this if he refuses to heed your threats:

 

First, contact a good divorce lawyer and tell him/her everything - show him/her your evidence and see what your options are. Get legal advice on your relationship, and explore the legalities of what your husband is doing. Have separation/divorce papers drawn up.

 

Next, expose this affair by expressing your concerns to the girl's parents and your husband's boss - but you should know that doing so may result in some horrendous consequences: arrest, charges pressed, job loss. Does your H really need to be teaching children when he can't keep himself from crossing the boundaries with them?

 

There is no turning back though. Your only choices are to condone this affair and let it continue, or end it through exposure and go from there.

 

Expose, sit your H down with the divorce/separation papers in hand and let your H know that its either 'no contact' and marriage counseling, or you will sign the papers and divorce him.

[Ladyjane14]

Does your H really need to be teaching children when he can't keep himself from crossing the boundaries with them?

 

He doesn't need to be 'raising children' either.

You'd do well to get back on birth control and protect yourself from STD's. You might even consider abstaining altogether until this situation is ironed out.

 

I'm uncertain as to whether the final line has been crossed yet. The missing condom could have explanations afterall. He could have given it away, or he could be keeping it close-by in an effort to lend some reality to his fantasies.

 

But no matter what the case... his behavior with this student is WILDLY inappropriate.

 

I agree with Lucrezia, you need more evidence before you can act on it. In the meantime... draw a line in the sand about leaving your house. That's your home. If he doesn't like it, he's completely free to go live somewhere else.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I would definately NOT tell him what you have found. That's very hard I know but it only helps them to cover their tracks better. Unfortunately in THIS situation there are major ramifications if an A is discovered. I would first of all print off every case i could find on teachers arrested for A's with minor students and leave it where he can find it and read it without your presence. I would collect all of the info I could, and if asked to leave the house I would leave and sneak back around. Also, some people here have used hidden tape recorders, so that might give an idea of what is going on exactly. Also, if he is befreinding students, then possibly he gave the condom out to a male student. I would NOT rat him out until I was sure and had seriously considered all of the ramifications. One lesson that I have learned is that it is never in MY best interest to react rashly. I tend to sleep on everything. Make SURE that what you suspect is right before acting, then protect yourself. Also, I might just offer to help him out and talk to her since she could probably use a woman's point of view. Even if he isn't having a PA, befriending students is VERY immature.

Good Luck to you.

[TYASAFAHICSI]

Senior student--in what high school or college? Makes a huge difference!

[Xhie]

Yeah hes hittin it.

 

Why the **** would you have to leave your own house when some skank comes over? That is so very screwed up, why are you putting up with it?

 

Does she want you gone? What possable reason would there be?

 

I say you set up a hidden camara, catch them, and turn is cheeting ass in for rape. She is a hs student afterall. Hopefully shes underage to.

 

I dont care what problems she has at home, you are his wife and you should be #1, your happyness, not that of some whore.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

ARRRGGHHH! I do not believe a high school student (if that is what we are dealing with) with family/emotional problems who is possibly being taken advantage of by a teacher/father figure/ role model is a whore. Actually I would call her a victim and any decent prosecutor could convince a jury of morons of that in his sleep. Almmarti you really need all of the facts, honey. Keep us posted. And good luck, I imagine you are going through quite alot right now.

[Guest]

He doesn't need to be 'raising children' either.

You'd do well to get back on birth control and protect yourself from STD's. You might even consider abstaining altogether until this situation is ironed out.

 

I'm uncertain as to whether the final line has been crossed yet. The missing condom could have explanations afterall. He could have given it away, or he could be keeping it close-by in an effort to lend some reality to his fantasies.

 

But no matter what the case... his behavior with this student is WILDLY inappropriate.

 

I agree with Lucrezia, you need more evidence before you can act on it. In the meantime... draw a line in the sand about leaving your house. That's your home. If he doesn't like it, he's completely free to go live somewhere else.

 

Good points. What happens when her enraged parents come after your joint assets? If this child is under College age, there is no way she/her parents wouldn't prevail in a civil trial with a jury.

 

The implications are overwhelming here.

[Xhie]

Yes she is a whore. She knows exactly what shes doing whenever she spreads her legs, don't act like shes some mindless tool that has no concept of whats going on around her, and its really sad when you can use "family problems" as an excuse for your behavior, any normal human being knows that ****ing married men is wrong.

 

The husband is a piece of **** as well, you know what, it dose not even matter if shes underage or not, teachers cannot **** any student. It does not matter if it is there student or if it is even a student that goes to another school. They cannot touch them at all.

 

Let the school know whats going on, he wont be teaching for much longer.

[magichands]

, any normal human being knows that ****ing married men is wrong.

 

The husband is a piece of **** as well, you know what, it dose not even matter if shes underage or not, teachers cannot **** any student.

You are one straight-talking, no-nonsense oracle.

 

It's a breath of fresh air. It's also a turn-on, which is totally inappropriate. But I can't help myself.

[almmarti]

Thank you so much for all of your advice. I have yet to say anything about what I found. I am also going to go back on birth control, not that I think it will matter because it does not look like we will be doing anything like that for a while. You are all right about what you said, which makes it hard to take as well. I am thinking of the tape recorder idea, or even coming back to sneak, but I agree that I need more evidence in order to do anything yet. I just don't want people to think badly of him.

I will keep you updated.

[justice]

Get one of those voice activated tape recorders, it sure helped me in my situation. Don't trust him for a moment love, sounds like he is blindsiding you. Hugs.

[Guest]

You could always agree to leave, then at the last minute, say you are feeling ill and make a mad dash for the bathroom. Come out a minute or two later, say you are sick and have to lay down on the sofa for a minute. You could also toss in a comment as you lay there, "Jeesh, I wonder if I'm pregnant. I feel really REALLY ill." Then just don't leave.

 

See what happens when she shows up. When he starts all the crap about you needing to leave, point out nicely that a male teacher really doesn't need to be alone in the house with a female student anyhow cause it looks bad. But since her problems are personal, he and she are welcome to go into the kitchen at the table and you will stay in the den on the sofa. See what happens. BTW, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see your h is up to no good. And he is a rat for making YOU leave your own home to accommodate HER. Refuse to leave. REFUSE.

[agnf666]

He is just making soo obvious that he is up to no good. You need to catch him... plus if he is doing something like that.. it's illegal..

[Guest]

You need to get yourself an attorney - NOW! What he is doing leaves you vulnerable to a lawsuit for his actions and you need to protect yourself. And yeah, I have not a doubt that he's cheating on you with this student.

 

It was highly inappropriate for him to involve himself into her family issues beyond alerting authorities or social services if he'd suspected abuse in the girl's home. Having her over by herself and asking you to leave your own home is even worse. There is absolutely *no* legitimate reason for you to leave the home while she was there. At best, he's looking at being fired for an inappropriate relationship with a student. At worst, he's could be facing statutory rape charges (depending on the girl's age and/or how your state's SR law is written), as well as a lawsuit by the parents.

 

I agree with the others here. Hire a PI, use a digital recorder or whatever else you need to gather evidence so you at least can confirm what you suspect. Write down and journal all the contacts between them that you know of. You'll need this as a record to show as evidence of what you knew and when you knew it.

 

It doesn't matter anymore what people will think of him. He's the one who has compromised his job and role as a teacher, and he should not be allowed to remain in that job any longer when he is taking advantage of his profession. This situation is going to blow up in his face (other people likely already know what's going on), and you have got to protect yourself...

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. But his actions will face consequences and you need to act so that you aren't implicated along with him...

[mt_in_texas]

Listen To Me.....he Is Cheating!

[che_jesse]

I cant believe he would actually ask you to leave so he could **** her in your house.

 

Please explain why you "dont want people to think bad of him" ?

 

What hes doing is wrong, its to you and to your children that you will now never have with him most likely. Keep that in mind, what he took away from you because he wanted to screw some 17 year old hobag.

 

Get him and make him pay for it. At the very least he deserves to loose both you and his job.

[BeenThere22]

Yeah I guess there's something appealing about nailing the guy to the wall but think about it. Would you want your ex-husband unemployed and in prison? Do they own a house together? Who pays the mortgage? Debts? Who pays those? Do you want to be the spectacle of town as the wife of that guy on the news who was banging his student?

 

Here's a tip - protect yourself. Protecting yourself doesn't mean destroying him. It means securing an attorney, preparing for your financial independence, and letting him know that you'll no longer be a party to his activities with this girl. If that means moving out then so be it. But please do not bring your own house down on top of your head as some seem to be suggesting. Marriage makes you a legal entity with him so be careful.

[FlyingHigh]

Boy, and I thought I had it worse!

 

You've gotten pretty great sound advice.

 

Start doing research on your legal rights simply because you already know he has crossed the line, breached teacher/student relationship. Depending laws in your state and age of the girl, it coud be financially devastating. Doesn't even include the humiliation once it goes public, if it gets to that depending on the mental state of the young gilr and her family.

 

Find a divorce attorney whose background includes civil cases as well. This can be hard to find. Talk to your friends and family whom you trust. Use them as alibi and protection and get referrals from them.

 

Since there are no children (unless I missed it) and money is an issue, contact your local paralegal. They are a source of education of the basic laws in your state and they usually don't charge for the initial consultation and may give it to you over the phone. They have attorneys on staff readily available.

 

Good luck. Keep posting here and let us know.

[goodfriendeva]

def need to confront him about this.. either he is having sex with her.. or his intentions are to.. obivously their relationship is past a friendship..

 

why would you leave your own home for her? i wouldnt of.. and there would be no way i would of left them alone and let them be alone other places.. sorry hun

[Rooster_DAR]

This is the first time I have ever written on anything like this before, so here is the deal as quickly as I can say it. I have been married for 2 years to a teacher and he iss helping a senior female student through a very difficult time in her life. It started with he coming over for dinner, he was discussing things with her parents, and telling me I had nothing to worry about. In the past few months, he has asked me to leave whenever she comes over, he has lost 20 pounds, he never wants to be intimate with me (we were trying to have a baby), and he sits for hours on his computer looking up sports. He promised me that he would not instant message her,since I really thought that was innappropriate, but he texts her constantly, now using a blind number so her " mom won't worry about her." He started last week meeting her in the grocery store parking lot to talk to her after she had been out late drinking with friends Last nigh, she passed out, he sent me a message to leave the house so she could wash up before going home, and then he yelled at me when I did come home since I was cleaning the house and it bothered him. He yells at me all the pretty much now, usually to trust him, or that I am just always around and just let him have his time by himself to deal with all of this. Here is the kicker, I have tried really hard not to snoop, but let's face it I have done it, and I have done it big. I counted the number of condoms in his bedside drawer and since we are trying to conceive, that number should stay the same right? Well, I just checked it 5 minutes ago, and there is one missing. What should I do? Just writng it, makes it look like I am such an idiot, but I really want to believe him, I don't want anybody else, and I don't know what to do. Llke other people said, now that I have snooped, I can't take it back, so what do I do? sorry this wasn't short at all.

 

There are so many red flags here I'm not even going to try to be optimistic or give and educated opinion.

 

Yes, he's cheating and your gut feelings are correct.

 

Cya!

[LittleLady]

all of a sudden the 17 year old girl who going through so many problems in a vulnerable point in her life is a "skank"... yeah right. Nice guy you married there! I can't believe we are calling this child a "hobag" etc. Apparently your husband has NO self-restraint or any character whatsoever and pretty much is throwing his job and marriage away and we are all blaming the kid?? I dont think so! Your husband is obsessed with this young lady!

The OLDer, WISER and more mature person in the situation is supposed to play the adult and set the boundaries if things get carried away, not vice versa! Too many children being swept away by these predators. It's a lot easier for a young lady to "fall in love" so easily at that innocent stage of life and these older filthy men just take advantage. A name comes to mind, but I won't bring it up.

 

Would you feel the same way if this was YOUR daughter this was happening too!?

Jealousy, biases and hatred on this board is speaking!

Well screw your ridiculous opinions on the matter... thank god there are laws that side with the children first and foremost!

[ohmy3]

if you do not kick his a** out your are allowing him to abuse a kid! & i am pretty sure when it all comes out in the wash the police will take your computer to see if he used it in his crimes or if there is anymore students or minors he's abused and then find where you have posted on this site which in turn shows your aware something was going on w/ a under age student and you didn't report it make's you just as gulity even if the girl is willing ! UNDER AGE IS UNDER AGE AND WRONG! that's why we have laws , if it was your child you sure wouldn't stand aside and not turn the adult into the police!!!!!!!! this is a load of crap -- you standing by and wating to see if you can catch him if it was and adult okay maybe differnt but a minor is just that a minor! i'd guess there maybe other students he's done wrong w/ and like most things willn't come out till 1 time is brought to light---- DO THE RIGHT THING!!!!!!!!

 

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[Grrlish]

There are so many red flags here I'm not even going to try to be optimistic or give and educated opinion.

Yes, he's cheating and your gut feelings are correct.

Cya!

 

Ditto.

 

You're leaving your home when she comes over...why? Never mind. I can't think of any good reason why you would leave the house because a student of your husband's is coming over. I can't think of any good reason why an ethical teacher would be inviting a student over to his house with requiring another adult be there. It's called CYA in this day and age.

 

Step One: Go see a pit-bull divorce attorney. He deserves no mercy. The attorney will hire a PI and you'll have the proof that you want. Have the PI put one of those programs on his computer that tracks the keyboard strokes, or whatever those programs do, or do it yourself.

 

Step Two: If attorney says it won't affect you, call the police if she's underage (and this age differs from state to state). This is rape.

 

If she's not underage, tell the school board. This is completely unethical.

 

What if he does this to other children/students at the school? How will you feel if this happens again and you know that you could have prevented it?

 

How will you feel when the girl brings the affair to light? How embarrassing will THAT be? Underage or not.

 

Also, it doesn't seem to me that pleading ignorance would be a very good legal defense in this case (in the case that this is rape). You're leaving the premises when you know that your husband is having an underage female student over to the house. You could be considered as aiding the situation.

 

If you own anything together, you're likely to suffer at least financial consequences. Heck, if he winds up having to provide any financial compensation, you can probably say good-bye to a chunk of his paycheck, retirement, pension, etc.

 

Is this situation for real?

 

I honestly don't know a single woman who would leave the house so that her husband could have a young single female over to visit, and think that nothing is going on - under these circumstances.