ONLY Womens Prospective/Suggestions !!

[Pre-Owned Lover]

I need some honest answers please, (preferably)from women who have cheated on their husbands and have a child.

 

OK, not sure how to sum up my situation in the shortest way. I'll start with my situation first...then my question afterwords.

 

At the beginning, we had gone out 2 times through a mutual friend of ours. We both knew we were for each other. The 3rd time we saw each other was at that friends house(party). Ever since that night, we never left each others side. She literally moved in with me that night. A few years gone by and everything was perfect. She wanted to start a family, as I did also. Well, we find out she was pregnant and decided to get married, which we knew we wanted to do since day 1. After the child was born we were both very happy. But of course things started change in our relationship from not having enough time with each other. I was working 60-70hr 6 day weeks so she could stay home with the baby. Of course, I had lost focus on her because of working so much, then to come home and cook dinner(5days min./wk) and give the baby a bath at night so she could relax a minute, then by the end of the night we were both exhausted to do anything. Which this may seem like an excuse for me not showing her more affection, but this what the reality of the situation was. I know no matter what, I should have tried a little hard(as so she should to). But, life went on. After a year with the baby in our lives, we both wanted to buy a house. But the area we wanted to live in was expense, and we could not afford it with just my income alone. So we talked about it and she decided she would go back to work. Well, about 4 months before the baby turned 2, I had changed jobs to further my career to make more money. Which turned out to be a flop and it left my wife with the burden of making majority of the income. During this time I wonder why she had been going out more often than usual. I figured it would be good for her anyways to go out and relieve some stress. Well go to find out that she had been talking to one of her co-workers, but I didn't tell her that I knew. Then all of the sudden, withing a week of me getting suspicious about her talking to this other guy, she is telling me that she wants to move out and get her own apartment and separate. She didn't want to go to counseling, as I begged her numerous time for us to work things out before they got out of hand and for the sake of our family. So one night I was going to go out and get drunk. But at the last minute I decided to stay home and try to talk with her. Well thing escalated to an argument, and she was wanting to leave to get out of the house. I decided that I was going to leave instead. So I leave, and after thinking to myself, I decided to go back home and see just how bad she wanted to leave me. So I get back and tell her to pack her stuff and leave the house. She packed her stuff and left and got a hotel. Which about 4 days later I go to the hotel she was staying at and find out she is with that other guy. Since then, divorce has been in the works...

We still talk (very small talk) mainly about or child, since we split him through the week.

We have been separated about 4mos. now and every time I see her I look into her eyes and seem to sense that this is not what she wants. But her words to me says otherwise(i.e. Just move on, I truly hope you find a woman that makes you happy. Hope you get married and have a million kids together). But then she tells me that I'm the one that wants to get the divorce, and I'm the one that kicked her out of the house and changed the locks. When I bring up about her talking to this guy for a month before I kicked her out she says that I wasn't like that. Which is BS!

I know reading this, it's hard to understand the whole situation, and the emotions that have been involved(or maybe you do?)

 

But my question is this...

How can I show her that I am the man that she married, the one that she felt so confident in. What steps can I take, or things should I say, to get her to feel a connection again with me.

What can I do from a womans prospective?

If you were in my wifes position, what would you tell me to do to win your heart back, and not feel like all was just a broken promise?

 

Any and all help/answers/suggestions will be much appreciated.

[Guest]

ladies answer first i believe and then perhaps guys can add their 2 cents as well.....

 

get question by the way....wink

[noforgiveness]

I'm wondering if maybe she is feeling such extreme guilt for what she has done that maybe just maybe she is punishing herself for it. Basically telling you you want this because she deserves it type of thing.

 

Are you willing to take her back if she cheated? If you are tell her that. Tell her you still love her and that together you can get past this and that you know you made some mistakes in the marriage too. Take it slow...tell her you didn't really think she would leave when you asked her to. Tell her you wanted to see where she stood.

 

If you know you will never get past the cheating then leave it be...

[Romeo Must Die]

I suggest you do the 180. Turn away from her, do not contact her. Let her wonder and think about it alot.

 

You can be strong without appearing too passive. You've given in way too fast (understandably, she is your wife) but you are forsaking your hurts and feelings to get her back and she will never respect you that way. She isn't treating you as an equal. She is only thinking of herself and the OM at the moment. She needs to come back to you first. She hasn't shown you that, you just want to believe that you saw it in her eyes.

 

Seperation is a threat, but that means you are still married. Still under her thumb. Divorce papers, or another woman (basicly ignoring her bad behavior and not giving it attention) will also show her that her marriage is truely in jeopardy and sometimes thats the kick in the ass they need to change their ways.

 

www.survivinginfidelity.com

 

[InaPanic]

i'm not sure if i can add any perspective on this or not. i am a wife/mother who cheated on her husband. it's been a few months now since i finally confessed of my affair. I'm not feeling like this so much now but i have to tell you, in the beginning i felt so much guilt..i was so ashamed that i almost couldn't stand to be in the same room with him...that i honestly thought it would just be easier to leave or for him to leave & us both start over. i think sometimes for some people it seems easier to start over than to fix what is wrong. I know for fact that thought crossed my mind MANY times. But i was slightly rationale enough to know that before OM came into my life i felt like i was happy & that i did love my husband. Plus i knew i had children i had to consider in the situation. i felt i hadn't thought of them when i had the affair so i had to think about them now. i'm not sure if this is what she's going thru or not but i do think it could be.

also, i have to admit, i was so obsessed with OM that it was hard in the beginning to get him out of my head. i also think there was a small part of me, in the back of my mind, that maybe thought if i seperated/divorced maybe we'd stand a chance. i never would admit to myself that i even considered that, but looking back now i do think it played a factor in my desire to be single/seperate/divorce.

the thing is she has to figure out what's going on in her head. if she wants out of the marriage there isn't really anything you can do to stop her. why didn't you all do a trial seperation? rather than file for divorce so quickly?

best of luck. this is a hard and earth shattering thing for BOTH people involved. i know there is little to no sympathy for the cheater & i understand why. i never would have thought the cheater would go thru anything after an affair, never even crossed my mind that they might suffer. but let me tell you, they do...or at least some do. i have not forgiven myself & i am not sure if i ever can. i am in counseling & we are both trying to work things out because we care enough about each other & our family to give it a go.