Can't figure a catchy title, so just read it!

[0llll0]

I’d like to hear responses that may spark some ideas for me to change or at least adjust who and what I am to my wife. Some deep stuff here, don’t think I have ever put all this together at the same time before………..

 

How bout some background?

 

I am 36 and she is 27. We have been married 2yrs 9mo (Nov 28th ’03). Second marriage for both of us. Bitter ugly divorce for me back in ’94, and basically clean break for her in ’01. Both of us are active duty US Navy. I have been active duty 18 ½ years (1 ½ years away from my 20 year retirement date) and she has just over 8 years. Financially we do very good with 2 incomes. I was deployed the first 6mo after we were married, and then another 6mo before she transferred out to where we are currently at. Since we have been stationed at the same location she has had temporary duty away from here 3 times for 1mo each and is currently on a 5mo deployment and will return approximately 2 days before Christmas. We have 2 kids, her 13yr old son, and my 15yr old daughter. Her son was born when she was only 15 in 1993 and the father never bothered to hang around. My daughter was born about 11mo after I was first married back in 91.

 

I grew up in the Midwest burbs as an only child. Don’t know too much about my father other than he was a professional thief and fence. 6 years before I was born my parents had another child who was given up for adoption to generate funds for legal fees so he wouldn’t go to jail. Shortly after I was born the same situation was in place and I guess my mom was having none of it. An argument ensued in which my mother shot and killed my father. She was acquitted of manslaughter, self defense. I knew the part about his death from an early age, but never knew about my older sibling till I was 16. Had a good time growing up. Lots of family time with Grandparents and uncles. Was basically a good kid till JR high. Started smoking pot and hanging with the wrong crowd for a couple years. Left school when I was 14 and had my GED when I was 16. Got caught stealing a car about that time which straitened me out. Went to community college for 4 semesters, got bored and joined the Navy. Also I think I had to go because my mom was a functional alcoholic for the last ten years I was at home and then the next 8 or so. She has been dry since ’97. I didn’t have much, but had everything I needed I guess. Had zero discipline from my mom but that changed with the Navy. My mom and I have a great friendship now and talk pretty regular.

 

My wife grew up in the pacific northwest. Oldest of 3, 1 brother and 1 sister. She was the one who blazed a trail so they could see what not to do or how not to get caught anyhow. She is as smart as they come and has a photographic memory. Even though she was pregnant at 14 she graduated with honors. I am still not sure if having the baby kept her from going to college or she let it keep her? After she got pregnant, her relationship with her parents went down hill. Her son lived with her grandmother while she went to navy boot camp and then with her parents during her first 2 deployments before we met. She has since repaired her relationship with mom and dad and they communicate all the time. She had a stillborn from her first marriage and that seems to be his reason for leaving. Evidently he no longer had any interest in her mentally or sexually and she of course was very depressed. So it was a tough time.

 

The only genuine sour note during our marriage has been my daughter coming to live with us. It’s great that she is with us and she is doing just awesome. But she came to live with us because her stepfather molested her over a 4 year period. Then when she told her mother, he stopped but her mother did nothing about it for almost 3 years. Only after she told me during her visit last summer was action taken. I wish her mother could have been prosecuted, but there actually was no law she broke that would give her jail time and department of child services where they are at is painfully inadequate. Actually when my daughter told me last summer we refused to send her home. I hired a damn fine attorney and the court awarded me full temporary custody in Aug of last year. Her mother has since fought me for custody but finally realized about 2 months ago that she will not get anything and has since begged us to negotiate a decent settlement for her. We have agreed to visitation only and minimized the financial impact by not asking for the full amount of support as she has 2 other girls that are my daughter’s half sisters who she loves to death. They are 4 and 6 and as innocent as mine and I see no reason to make her pay when it will only affect them. Although it seems to be working out for the best, believe it or not my X isn’t divorcing this POS. my daughter is still somewhat in denial of the grievous act her mother committed, she is mouthing the crap my X feeds her about it only being a ”mistake”. We bite our tongues and we go to therapy with her and take it all one day at a time. Through all of this my daughter and wife have become, as you could guess, extremely close. Because they are only 13yrs apart their closeness has become more like sisters. They talk, cry, shop, go out to dinner and just about all you can think to very close friends would do together! I am so very thankful for my wife at this time. I am certain without her support, encouragement, telling me when I’ve opened my mouth to much, and stopping me from leaving to go kill the POS I would have done everything wrong instead of doing everything right.

 

Life has been good for us since we have been together. The Navy moved us from west coast to east coast, we have both gone to different command and new traing to change our JOB specialties and been successful in our military careers. We have a house (with attached mortgage) in a nice neighborhood where we know most of our neighbors and the kids can go play and hang out with friends without too much worry. The kids are at great public schools. Finances are good enough to put jet skis and a Harley in the driveway along with 2 reliable vehicles.

 

So why would I need to change?

 

I am pretty much a creature of habit around the house. With 2 kids and 3 dogs, clean and tidy is ongoing. It gets on my nerves when “stuff” gets left in the last place it was used. I know that is a teenager thing and I can deal with a lot of it, But while either one of us is gone on a deployment, now the picking up and cleaning duty is doubled. Even she would leave things lying wherever sometimes and I would tell her that we need to set the example for the kids so when one of us is gone it’s not a drag for the other to have to pick up the slack. I know I went overboard on it occasionally and she really would get mad when I would make it a comparison between her and the kids, but she agreed that it needs to be done. I have slacked off of it quite a bit before she left for this latest deployment. I am wondering if my aNaL behavior hasn’t already become the norm to her and how do I keep myself sane and yet keep the ball rolling on this one?

 

We are pretty opposite when it comes to “Brain Power”. As I said above, she is as smart as they come and has a photographic memory. Her common sense on the other hand, seems to leave her when it will most annoy me. Not to say she does it on purpose. The last one I remember, we were painting the dinning room. She was masking off the trim. Instead of overlapping the tape so you could pull it all down in a couple of pieces she went back and forth so that instead of pulling one end and getting to the next wall, we had to stop every couple of feet and start the process again. I hate to say that bothers me because you’ll probably think it’s stupid. H3ll, it probably is. Some other things though are a routine and kind of funny. I gave a spare car key to her boss to keep at work because I got tired of having to go unlock her car for her about once a week. Really, she would leave her keys in there quite regularly, but only at work. It got to be quite the joke between she and I. She would call me and the first thing she would say is “Hello honey, I didn’t lock myself out but I’d like to go to lunch if you have the time”. Luckily she works on the same base as me. I have never called her stupid, but I know there are times I have made her feel as if I had said as much. So how do I get over myself? She isn’t going to change and should have to on this. It’s just who she is and how she operates.

 

We communicate well most of the time. However sometimes she holds things in until it’s built to a boil. She knows it. But I wonder if I miss the signals that things are building up? What are some of the less tangible cues that you girls give off that you’re frustrated but want us to know without telling us? On the rare occasion I do notice and say something like “is there something wrong?” or “did you want to tell me something?” (insert knuckle dragging Neanderthal picture here) how do I maneuver around the “nope” (insert typical “don’t you know? and why should I have to tell you?” glare here). Come on girls give up the goods, I know your all sisters in the same club and that you have this whole code thing. But, please throw a dog a bone here?

 

In keeping with the opposite theme, I am strait forward when I have a problem. Almost to a fault it’s like business for me. Have problem, immediately identify problem, find solution, inform spouse of solution. Bang, problem solved! No emotion necessary because I don’t have time, must ensure she knows I have a problem and it requires attention right now!. Not that I am insensitive. I just seem to be blunt and then remember that it’s my wife after it’s too late. Seems all too often as of late. Sometimes she lets me know it, sometimes I catch it and have a 50/50 chance of reeling myself in before the damage is done. What are some tips to slow down and use ears, eyes, and brain before signal gets to mouth?

 

Sex life. Yea man, the juicy stuff! What can I say? It’s great. As good as in the honeymoon stage? Not horribly far off, 5-15 or more times a week depending on schedules. However there are a couple of things that could be the beginning of problems. My staying power seems to have waned. By staying I mean, lasting longer the first round and more adept at rising to the occasion relatively soon after the first round. We used to go for 3 or 4 hours at a whack (Obligatory LOL because I kill me). Now it we have trouble getting past 1 hour, this is for both of us as she doesn’t really seem to be up for round 2 or 3 as often either. This could be due in part to a couple of things. #1 2 teenagers in the house makes it tough to be spontaneous. #2 Signals are getting crossed. As in we can’t seem to give, receive, or interpret the “hey, you want to fool around” or “I’m horny as h3ll right now” signals anymore. You know how sometimes you know it’s just going to be a knock down drag out romp in the sack right after you get out of the shower. Other times it starts after you get home from work in your heads when you know what’s going to happen, you see it in each others eyes and body language the mental foreplay with each other the next few hours till after homework, dinner, dishes and family time. And as for what goes on, we are both pretty much willing to try all either of us have ever wanted and regularly expand our boundaries. This doesn’t include inviting others in with us or any extreme stuff. I’m getting older and seem to feel it more with each year now; she is fast approaching the age when women are supposedly getting into sexual prime. We both work out regular at work and together. Our diet is pretty good, she is very trim but I no longer have a flat stomach, maybe 5-10 extra pounds and its all love handles! No matter how many crunches and how many miles I run it just wont quit! We are light smokers (not in the house, man is the garage cold in winter), but only drink occasionally, mostly socially and very rarely to excess. So, are we just getting past the honeymoon stage and developing a routine? Is life mixing us up and unwiring our signals because we are too distracted by everything else? Is our age difference becoming an issue unbeknownst to me/us?

 

One final concern. She recently had a biopsy of her female parts; the results came back abnormal indicating high grade dysphasia. This has been going on for her more than 10 years now. Good pap, bad pap, bad biopsy, second biopsy checks good, bad pap and over and over. Up down, Up down, You get it I hope. She had a LEEP done 2 years ago, Conal biopsy 1 before that and cryotherapy 2 years before that. Her mother had uterine track cancer and her grandmother had cervical cancer, so there is a family history. Although no cells have been found to be cancerous at this time, she wants to get a hysterectomy. I can say without a doubt we are not going to have kids together. Ours are teens and I can’t see me being 55+ getting another out there and on to life. She doesn’t want any and it is her choice to have the operation. Not much to say on this as these results were mailed to her last week. With her being gone till Christmas we will keep it on the back burner and discuss it more later. She will be flying her off the ship in a few days and from there she is going to a US hospital in Germany to get another LEEP done to confirm the biopsy results.

 

Any thoughts, musings, or kicks in the nads will be justly considered. Thanks for your time.

[Island Girl]

That is a lot of stuff. Here are my thoughts...

 

1. You state your ex has 2 other young girls that she loves -- where do they live? Because if they live with her and her husband (he may their father) -- you need to -- HAVE TO -- tell the authorities about what he did to your daughter. Imagine him having access to other young girls in his home that he can molest. Those kids can't get out of there on their own and your ex even wanted your daughter to stay there with him after knowing what he did to her. She'll do the same thing with the others. Horrible. If it can be prevented then it needs to be.

 

2. You state that you are blunt about when you have a problem/come up with the solution to a problem. I am assuming these are problems you see in the marriage or relating to eachother, etc. -- Even if you already have a solution, perhaps think about having a conversation where you ask her thoughts FIRST before you propose a solution. It is nice that her opinion would be considered or at least feel like it is.

 

3. Don't sweat the small stuff. And it seems like you are. Of course everyone should clean and help, etc. But if you are one of those people where something has to be done perfect by your standards then you should just do it yourself. If it is too much work for you to do by yourself, then you are going to have to let others do it the way they do it --- and let it go at that. Like taping off the wall. So what that she did it in small pieces. It got done and it was functional right? Then just laugh at your quirky wife and bask in the wonder that is her.

 

4. If she is not getting the signals you are giving out about sex - or you aren't getting hers -- you could try putting in a little more effort. Generally we are in the mood if we feel like our needs are being met. Ask yourself, when is the last time you treated her like a Queen? When is the last time you truly put out effort to make her feel special and appreciated? If it has been a little while, work on that. Remember women are generally like crockpots and men are microwaves when it comes to how fast we get turned on. For women -- well when we feel secure, loved and accepted, and appreciated we are soooooo much more willing (and wanting).

 

It seems as though you love her. So be appreciative of her. Don't sit there like a general stereotype and say, "she knows I love her, she knows I don't think she is stupid, she knows what I mean, etc." take a moment to imagine what life would be like without her. If she didn't exist. Then start appreciating the time together more geniunely - more apparently in your actions. There probably is a routine in the way that you communicate. Ask yourself do you do things differently than when you first dating? Were there sweet little things you used to do that you don't do anymore?

 

Treat her like she is the most wonderful person on the planet and she will believe you are.

 

It seems like you do so it shouldn't be that hard to act like it.

 

I read that in Ann Landers or Dear Abbey when I was about 14. I am 37 now and after all I have learned in relationships and about myself as a woman I can not stress to you how true that is.

 

My husband makes it so easy to be kind, thoughtful, and considerate of him because he is just so incredibly GOOD to me.

[0llll0]

1. You state your ex has 2 other young girls that she loves -- where do they live? Because if they live with her and her husband (he may their father) -- you need to -- HAVE TO -- tell the authorities about what he did to your daughter. Imagine him having access to other young girls in his home that he can molest. Those kids can't get out of there on their own and your ex even wanted your daughter to stay there with him after knowing what he did to her. She'll do the same thing with the others. Horrible. If it can be prevented then it needs to be.

Soryy, didn't give enough info. The authorities were told, the very next day I called CPS and Sheriff. Eventually he went in the clank for a measly 6mo. PiSs poor CPS left the other 2 girls with my X. I pushed to get her prosecuted and have the other 2 girls sent to their grandparents, but to no avail. No other abuse was noted by CPS towards the other girls. As for your other answers, I am gonna read and re-read. I'll have to ponder the part where I ask myself what is different between the dating and now. I know a bit has changed but I am not sure how.

 

Back atcha tomorrow sometime

 

Thanks

 

D

[Island Girl]

Well I am glad you tried to help the other little girls. Sometimes agencies suck. Really, they suck and can't they ever get their crap together?!!!

 

I hope the rest helps. Still thinking about all of what you said. I'll re-read tomorrow and see if anything else pops into my head.

[0llll0]

2. You state that you are blunt about when you have a problem/come up with the solution to a problem. I am assuming these are problems you see in the marriage or relating to each other, etc. -- Even if you already have a solution, perhaps think about having a conversation where you ask her thoughts FIRST before you propose a solution. It is nice that her opinion would be considered or at least feel like it is.

 

Yes and no. It's not just marriage issues, can be any type of problem I see. Also not always that I am so blunt, but there certainly are times when I am and it just doesn't work. How do I put the brakes on my brain/mouth connection? What are the cues to myself that I need to think first then speak? I generally do ask her opinion, but in the cases we are talking about i seem to ask after it's too late.

 

Don't sweat the small stuff. And it seems like you are. Of course everyone should clean and help, etc. But if you are one of those people where something has to be done perfect by your standards then you should just do it yourself.

 

Yes, I am and I do. Not everything has to be perfect, I have kids after all. They are a perfect learning process for both us and them. But some times it's as if she does or doesn't do things that we have agreed are easy to stay on top of. Then when I bring it up................bla bla bla.........No defense or line or BS here--> I can be tough/anal. How do I stop? What are the keys to just letting go?

 

4. If she is not getting the signals you are giving out about sex - or you aren't getting hers -- you could try putting in a little more effort. Generally we are in the mood if we feel like our needs are being met. Ask yourself, when is the last time you treated her like a Queen? When is the last time you truly put out effort to make her feel special and appreciated? If it has been a little while, work on that. Remember women are generally like crockpots and men are microwaves when it comes to how fast we get turned on. For women -- well when we feel secure, loved and accepted, and appreciated we are soooooo much more willing (and wanting).

 

More thought required, I'll get back to this one.

 

It seems as though you love her. So be appreciative of her. Don't sit there like a general stereotype and say, "she knows I love her, she knows I don't think she is stupid, she knows what I mean, etc." take a moment to imagine what life would be like without her. If she didn't exist. Then start appreciating the time together more geniunely - more apparently in your actions. There probably is a routine in the way that you communicate. Ask yourself do you do things differently than when you first dating? Were there sweet little things you used to do that you don't do anymore?

 

She won’t be back till a couple days before Christmas, it will have been 5mo by then. I know exactly how I’d feel if she wasn't here. I miss her so very much each time we have been apart. Right now is good time to use to see what I am doing right, what if anything I can do better, and what more can I do. It's going to be tough too because our 3yr anniversary will be Oct 28th and she'll be 5000 miles away. i want to make sure that when she gets back we make up for more lost time and keep the relationship healthy. I'll have to make sure I spend more attentive time. I think between work, kids and having a routine, we/I kind of stopped doing the sweet little things that spark it up.

 

 

I love her to pieces. Holding hands and being all lovey lovey is still fun. She takes good care of me, lets me be me when I am being an idiot and then makes me laugh at myself for having been an idiot (us men are good at that ya know). I am torn between wanting to stop the clock and can't wait to get to 85 and sit on the porch and think of all the fun and joy we had. I know that when that time comes I will kick myself for accelerating it by saying as such, but it illustrates a point of sorts.

 

More to come.

 

Thanks for taking an interest and giving me food for thought.

[Walk]

I am wondering if my aNaL behavior hasn’t already become the norm to her and how do I keep myself sane and yet keep the ball rolling on this one?

 

I think this is a matter of "picking your battles". You'll have to stop the knee jerk reaction of telling her she did it wrong. Offer suggestions all you want, but don't imply she has to do it "your way" or she's wrong. Maybe if you tried to mentally key it in your head that when you think the words "she's doing it wrong" you immediately have to kick yourself in the nads. haha

 

Basically just realize that her way is different, maybe not as efficent, but as long as she's not destroying something, then it's not "wrong". Try not to view it as "right or wrong". Unless you'd prefer to do it by yourself, then by all means, tell her it's wrong.

 

I have never called her stupid, but I know there are times I have made her feel as if I had said as much. So how do I get over myself? She isn’t going to change and should have to on this. It’s just who she is and how she operates.

 

Half of this is how she thinks about herself. Meaning, she probably feels stupid for doing it, and your words (no matter how nicely put) reinforced that feeling. Not too much you can do about it other than reassure her of her wonderful qualities, and your belief in her. Don't put much emphasis on what happened. Just deal with it, and set it aside. Doesn't need to be brought up as a joke later. Or mentioned in any other context. Your idea of leaving the key with the boss was wonderful. Good idea.

 

But I wonder if I miss the signals that things are building up? What are some of the less tangible cues that you girls give off that you’re frustrated but want us to know without telling us?

 

I did this to my bf on friday. haha My suggestion, keep telling her you NEED her to talk to you about her problems. That you Want her to bring them up, and let you know. And you want to listen. Men and women don't speak the same language, so she has to adapt a bit to yours too. But the only way I know that might work is to keep asking her to talk to you about problems before they get to the "boiling" point.

 

Otherwise, if you do start to notice the signs, and she says it's nothing. She's probably not ready to talk anyway, so forcing it won't help. You can tell her that you would love to talk to her about any problems, that you want to know her thoughts and feelings, and you want to listen to her. Give her some time to open up. Don't just ask her, wait two seconds and drop it. Give her a few minutes to make up her mind.. collect her thoughts, etc. Ask twice in that conversation. If she still doesn't answer, then drop it for a while. Either a few hours, or a day. Then ask again. Still nothing? Then you're probably on your own, but let her know you're available if she changes her mind.

 

p.s. listen without "fixing" her problems. Don't play the man role all the time. Just listen, commiserate with her, empathize with her. Don't explain what she needs to do to resolve it. That's a mans way of "talking". Most women, we talk to vent, to clarify things in our own heads, to release emotions, for different reasons. We aren't usually looking for a solution, because usually we know what needs to be done. We talk for other reasons.. so if you're constantly trying to "fix" her problems when she talks, she'll be less willing to share her problems with you. Just listen and ask questions, and let her find her own way through it knowing you'll be there to back her up if she needs it. But unless she says "I need your help to fix this", then don't immediately jump in as Mr. Fix everything.

 

In keeping with the opposite theme, I am strait forward when I have a problem. Almost to a fault it’s like business for me. What are some tips to slow down and use ears, eyes, and brain before signal gets to mouth?

 

Not sure on this one. Except make it a point to wait 30 seconds before saying anything to her. Otherwise.. you can lessen the harshness of your words through body language. Touch is a big one. Hold her hand while you talk to her. You could also add in more positive words of affection. (honey, I love you, etc.) Always use "WE" in dealing with problems. WE need to work on. Or it would help US, if the house were cleaner. etc. etc.

 

And end your statements with positives. like.. "I've notice you've slacked off on picking up the house. We need to set a positive example for the kids. And I know in the past little Janey has really stated she admires you for how hard you work." I don't know your whole story.. but maybe you get the point. You'll have to work it out in your head first to get it to sound less contrived.

 

I also believe this is an area of comprimise for both of you. She needs to understand it's how you approach problems and she needs to attempt to see past the harshness. You could ask for her help in this. Ask her to attempt to understand that you are programmed to deal with problems in this way, and that you would be grateful for her understanding about this. See if she'll meet you half way on communicating problems with each other. Rather than you doing all the change. Its more likely to suceed if you two meet in the middle.

 

So, are we just getting past the honeymoon stage and developing a routine? Is life mixing us up and unwiring our signals because we are too distracted by everything else? Is our age difference becoming an issue unbeknownst to me/us?

 

Hmm.. I'd say maybe routine. Potentially there could be some repressed resentment on her side if she feels you are really anal and somewhat ...er.. controlling in how you expect things done. This could dampen desire. And if she feels more comfortable bringing her problems to you before they hit critical mass, this might help the sexual area. Although, I wouldn't say you two have a problem in that area yet. I'd be thrilled to have sex that often.

 

As far as the 2nd round of sex not happening as soon or if at all. I think that's fairly normal over the course of a relationship. What aroused you enough for round two in the beginning, probably is losing some of it's pizzaz.. so you may have to step up the notch some to bring it back.

 

I think if you're having sex 5-15 times a week, then there isn't too much mix up on signals. But it wouldnt' hurt if you two talked about it. Ask if there are things that she wants and isn't getting.. or ways you could better please her. Same for you. Maybe you two could set up a code word to use if the kids are around. Or tell her "Hey, if you're horney and I'm not getting it, then I need you to flat out tell me."

 

Last thought.. I'm really impressed with how self-aware you seem to be, and in tune with your wifes feelings. You give me hope in men. Keep up the good work!!

[0llll0]

Last thought.. I'm really impressed with how self-aware you seem to be, and in tune with your wifes feelings. You give me hope in men. Keep up the good work!!

 

Ahhhhhhh yes, as I bask in the glory that is appreciation of ones self!!!!!!!!!!

 

Unfortunately there was a bit of learning curve associated with said self-awarness, and my X will tell you I was a poor student all throughout. I like to think I cought up in the end.

 

Hope, my internets cohort, is but time combined with patience.

 

I must read more of your responce and will get back to this after homework and dinner.

 

Thanks

 

D

[ddw5195]

hey it is safe to say you sure are trying!!!! well 1st let me say way to go on trying to be the right father and the best husband,HOWEVER you seen to be a little annal. what I mean is I am sure that a dirty house is not what you like and that you like cleand rember your home is your home. exzample where you take your shoes off lounge in the chair run in your boxers and take showers. not make the bunk and get up a 4am to do the march. if you feel like it is slacking in the cleaning bit then and if you can afford a harley, and some jet skies then I suggest looking into a maid that can help out in house work. as far as your daughter goes WAY TO GO ON TAKING CUSTODY!!!! you see I was raped by a slibing in my family and the problem was my mother was already a single parent with no help!!! If I were you I would go to an attonery and let them know what was going on and what happened cause I bet if he done this to your daughter then he is and probley still is doing this to the others and I am not sure on why he did not get time for the rape? My older brother went to jail for ten years!!! was it medically said she had been raped? cause if so I would push that issue on jail time. you never know that what is behind closed doors and if he threatens your ex with her life and kids life like If you leave me I will kill you or even worse kill all of you. you see I saw so many of friends that was in the same thing I had to me and one sticks out in my mind and that is that there hole family was in trouble. the threat was I will kill you if you leave me. you seem like a loving man that even though the other two are not yours you still care cause they did not ask to be here. PLEASE help them for you never will know how bad the torments can be and what you live with the rest of your life and I am 32 and still have trouble,lots...as far as the rembering thing about the keys and such really It is hard to explain. you see I am 32 and I have a very very large concern that I will have altimers when I age into and older woman. I can rember long term things but for exzample if you and I were talking you say go to the store and pick up the dry cleaning I would froget and really have to write myself notes all the time. I have a 5 year old daughter that just started kindergarden and I will tell you I cannot have children and we adopted her at birth after 13 years of tryin and 3 misscarages and one in 2000 I almost died from(tubal) we decided to adopt. I am so over protective of her I dont let her play in the front yard unless I am out there with her. and to tell you the truth I did not forget to pick her up cause I knew she was at school and I need to leave my job by 2:00pm to be in the line by 2:30 so that she can be picked up by 3:00 and as I was working time sliped and I looked at the clock it was 2:20 and I paniced.......you never know it could be the old "blonde thing" even if she is not blonde. so really in all reality you are doing great and it is always great to talk about the fights and to never go to bed angery. you never know if you wake up if she will still be there. GOD never promises tommorrow, and he is the same as yester today and forever! I am glad your wife and your daughter has a great relationship cause right now she needs that more than anything!! you cant change what happened to her but hold a promising future for her that she will live a productive part of life and not dwell on the past. so in light of the fights and the cleaning and all the others you mentioned lighten up and seek out so outside help with the house work you will see a difference I promise. and as far as sex goes you have to keep the spark going take her to a movie and start some 4 play and go park etc make it exciting cause most of the times you get to a point that is just routine. dont let it get htere. also it is ok to kiss and pinch buts and hug and say how much you love her in front of the kids.... this really help in there relationships in the future and know that a marrage is love and in order to get love you need to show that love. of course the kids will say that is so gross mom or yuck dad cant you save it till I am asleep and when that is said you laugh and just keep on going. HOWEVER make only a loving kiss not throw on the flow and tounge her to death in front of them but kiss her often and a little pinch here or there or the grab and huge and say to your wife I love you and only you!!!! Hope I helped.

[ddw5195]

hey it is safe to say you sure are trying!!!! well 1st let me say way to go on trying to be the right father and the best husband,HOWEVER you seen to be a little annal. what I mean is I am sure that a dirty house is not what you like and that you like cleand rember your home is your home. exzample where you take your shoes off lounge in the chair run in your boxers and take showers. not make the bunk and get up a 4am to do the march. if you feel like it is slacking in the cleaning bit then and if you can afford a harley, and some jet skies then I suggest looking into a maid that can help out in house work. as far as your daughter goes WAY TO GO ON TAKING CUSTODY!!!! you see I was raped by a slibing in my family and the problem was my mother was already a single parent with no help!!! If I were you I would go to an attonery and let them know what was going on and what happened cause I bet if he done this to your daughter then he is and probley still is doing this to the others and I am not sure on why he did not get time for the rape? My older brother went to jail for ten years!!! was it medically said she had been raped? cause if so I would push that issue on jail time. you never know that what is behind closed doors and if he threatens your ex with her life and kids life like If you leave me I will kill you or even worse kill all of you. you see I saw so many of friends that was in the same thing I had to me and one sticks out in my mind and that is that there hole family was in trouble. the threat was I will kill you if you leave me. you seem like a loving man that even though the other two are not yours you still care cause they did not ask to be here. PLEASE help them for you never will know how bad the torments can be and what you live with the rest of your life and I am 32 and still have trouble,lots...as far as the rembering thing about the keys and such really It is hard to explain. you see I am 32 and I have a very very large concern that I will have altimers when I age into and older woman. I can rember long term things but for exzample if you and I were talking you say go to the store and pick up the dry cleaning I would froget and really have to write myself notes all the time. I have a 5 year old daughter that just started kindergarden and I will tell you I cannot have children and we adopted her at birth after 13 years of tryin and 3 misscarages and one in 2000 I almost died from(tubal) we decided to adopt. I am so over protective of her I dont let her play in the front yard unless I am out there with her. and to tell you the truth I did not forget to pick her up cause I knew she was at school and I need to leave my job by 2:00pm to be in the line by 2:30 so that she can be picked up by 3:00 and as I was working time sliped and I looked at the clock it was 2:20 and I paniced.......you never know it could be the old "blonde thing" even if she is not blonde. so really in all reality you are doing great and it is always great to talk about the fights and to never go to bed angery. you never know if you wake up if she will still be there. GOD never promises tommorrow, and he is the same as yester today and forever! I am glad your wife and your daughter has a great relationship cause right now she needs that more than anything!! you cant change what happened to her but hold a promising future for her that she will live a productive part of life and not dwell on the past. so in light of the fights and the cleaning and all the others you mentioned lighten up and seek out so outside help with the house work you will see a difference I promise. and as far as sex goes you have to keep the spark going take her to a movie and start some 4 play and go park etc make it exciting cause most of the times you get to a point that is just routine. dont let it get htere. also it is ok to kiss and pinch buts and hug and say how much you love her in front of the kids.... this really help in there relationships in the future and know that a marrage is love and in order to get love you need to show that love. of course the kids will say that is so gross mom or yuck dad cant you save it till I am asleep and when that is said you laugh and just keep on going. HOWEVER make only a loving kiss not throw on the flow and tounge her to death in front of them but kiss her often and a little pinch here or there or the grab and huge and say to your wife I love you and only you!!!! Hope I helped.