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Blended Family: New wife doesn't want kids

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Old 16th May 2006, 1:05 PM   #1
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Blended Family: New wife doesn't want kids

I have 4 kids from a previous marriage. I love them with all my heart and sole. I also have a step-daughter and toddler with my new wife of 2 years. I am very happy in my marriage.

Here are the problems:

1) My step-daughter (6YO) and I are having a really tough time creating a deep and lasting bond. My wife will admit that my step-daughter is a "difficult" child, always pushing buttons, not listening, arguing and talking back, etc even to her. As an interesting aside, those things are not a problem when my step-daughter and I are alone, I believe bacause my expectations are clear and met... Of course, this is terribly difficult for my wife to take, and we get the mama bear to the rescue syndrome or the you're too hard on her, etc.

2) My Ex-wife called me the other day and asked if I would consider taking my other kids full time. (We currently have them all summer, as we live in another state). My current wife basically said, "there's no way that would work, etc." Effectively, no. No is not an option for me. My ex lives with her parents, gets $2K per month in child support from me, and has a social services case on them because her dad threatened to shoot her (verbal threat, no actual menacing or gun) because she is out partying too much and not taking care of the kids or the house. If I can get my kids, I will. My new wife will have to make a choice...

Am I being unfair? My wife is a teacher, so she is off all summer and admittedly is stuck with the kids (we are hiring a nanny this year). I understand that life would change sooooo much, and there would be struggles, but, how can I say no to having my kids? I wouldn't.

I don't know what to do, or how my marriage can survive. I don't think I should have to choose.
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Old 16th May 2006, 4:17 PM   #2
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I dont think you are being unfair. What if she was put in the same situation where she didnt have her kids and her ex asked her to take them. Would she say no for you? I think she should accept that you have kids and accept the fact that you would be a better parent for them.
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Old 16th May 2006, 4:44 PM   #3
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Your new wife knew you had children from a previous relationship. When she chose to marry you she married your children as well.
If she can't accept that then she isn't being responsible.

Always, put your children first. They came first!!
Your children are a gift to you and they are also your heart, your life and your responsibility.

If your new wife can't accept your children and she choses to leave then she wasnt the woman for you... If she loves you with her heart she will do what it takes to make things work.
Family counceling is a wise consideration.

I personally come from a blended family. My brother and I would live with our dad and his wife and her kids during the summer months.

It wasn't easy. I look back and I many times wish we would have had some kind of counceling to help in the transition.

My step-mother didn't want my brother and I either. She didn't even like it when we visited on the weekends. She put on a fake face when dad was around and then when he was gone she treated us like crap.

Now that I'm older I see her in a different light (possitively), even though I still don't trust her entirely.

I,-- also being a single parent and have dated men in LTR who also have children --, know first hand from both sides of the situation.
I am a child of a broken and blended family.
I am divorced with a child who had dated men with children.
I also dated men who couldn't accept my son and treat him with kndness.

Its a difficult situation. The best answer is to work at it. See counceling for EVERYONE... Individually as well as in a group(family). Set up structure, rules, boundries, space, reasonable expectations and most importantly remember everyone is unique, individual, has their own personality, interests and manners.

Counceling will help in this.
I went to relationship/family counceling with Xbf who had 3 kids and I had my 1. We were together for 4 1/2 years and the kids bonded with me more then he and I did. (I miss his kids terribly--I feel a vacancy without them in my life and its been about 5 years they have been out of my life.)

I do understand the dynamics and I also can see how it can work out and how it can fail...

If your current wife can't make an effort to make this work then she isn't the woman for you... Period.
“You’re not on this Planet to live someone else’s dream.”

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Old 17th May 2006, 3:05 PM   #4
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Let me start by saying, your situation is hard and there is no easy "everyone ends up happy" answer. Someone will loose in this deal, there just isn't anyway around it.
Yeah, your Wife should accept you and your kids but that's in that perfect world where everything is fair and all works out the way we think it should. Unfortunately that world only exists in our imaginations. My ex (Before my Wife now) pretended to be cool with me having kids from other women when we first started dating. As the years went on her stand on the circumstances changed and she slowly started distancing herself from "my kids" and in affect from me. Toward the end of our relationship I would have to do things on my own with my Son away from the house because she was just so rude around him.
My ex-girl friend (Mother of my Son) also asked if I could take him permanently a few years ago, but I said no. I might come off as an ass hole for doing that, but I had been fighting for years about how he should be raised and my opinions remained that, just opinions and never were obeyed. My ex (his mother) even though she was a crank hoe that cheats on every man she gets together with still turned my little boy into a Jesus freak shooting down any all alternative teaching of mine, beliefs I'd try to instill in him. Now she expected to hand him over to me, to raise as mine, I don't think so.
Despite what the courts might want, if I have no say in his upbringing, if I don't have a hand in what kind of man he is taught to be then my responsibility ends with my financial support.

If you want your kids with you I say do it, but know that your Wife might not want to be in the relationship anymore.
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Old 17th May 2006, 7:10 PM   #5
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WWWHHHHOOOAAAAA THERE! You do not just stuff this down your wife's throat! She is your life partner and she must have a voice in what your family situation will be.

YES, it is true that your first 4 children have a powerful claim on you. And so does your wife, and so do your stepdaughter and tiny one. But you must not meet an obligation to one or some by stuffing your decision and your choice down your wife's throat. This must be negotiated, and your wife gets as much voice in the decision making as you do.

You need some serious help to be creative and respectful in a very delicate negotiation, before your positions become fully entrenched and there can be no more middle ground.

I do not know what the ultimate answer will be. Perhaps your children will come and live with you, and there will be domestic assistance for your wife during the summers. Perhaps there will be some other way of achieving safety and stability for your first 4 kids. Perhaps you will need to make a hard choice about career change or a leave of absence from your job so YOU can take care of YOUR kids. Etc.

If you are objecting (as so many men do), "But I can't take time off, that is impossible, it's off the table, it can't even be discussed, all the give needs to be on her side", then just be aware of the damage you are doing to your marriage with your inflexibility. BTW, did you know that to take the best care of your kids, you need to put your cooperative partnership with your wife FIRST? You need her help to meet these kids will have a hard time doing it solo. Partners discuss and negotiate, they do not dictate.

Please think about it.
Heavily medicated for your safety.
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Old 17th May 2006, 7:28 PM   #6
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You are in a tough spot but those are your kids. Your wife needs to understand that when she married you she also married your kids and vice versa. I think that you taking your kids all year round would be a very good move for you as a father. It will be hard at first for everyone to make the adjustment but it will all work out and if it does not and your wife cannot handle it then it just was not meant to be.
I also wanted to comment on your wife's daughter. I have to ask that when you try and discipline or take an authoritive approach and she disrespects you, does your wife back you up? Does she stick up for you and reiterate to her daughter that she needs to respect you? If she doesn't then you definitely need to address this with her. If she does then she needs to step up and get through to her daughter instead of just saying "oh, she is difficult". Maybe her daughter is missing something?
Hope this helps a little...
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