Telling her I love her (after others have hurt her)

[stereo1]

I have a problem that is similar to one that was posted a little while back, with a bit of a twist.

 

I've been seeing a woman who's around 30 for about 4 months now. I had a REALLY bad marriage and am now divorced. She's never been married, but she's been in some VERY abusive relationships, some of them physically abusive, some emotionally.

 

Here's the problem... we click really well, we have alot in common, and I care about her very much. However, whenever I start telling her how much I care, she gets really quiet and doesn't seem to want to express how she feels. I can TELL that she really cares about me by the way she acts, and the things she does for me. But she seems to have a really hard time vocally expressing how she feels, one way or the other.

 

I'm finding that I've fallen in love with her. I feel the need to tell her. I realize she may not feel as deeply as I do (or maybe she does, I don't know), and I know that if I tell her, she may not respond that she loves me, too. What I'm afraid of is telling her that I love her, and then sending her into a flight response. I know she may be afraid to get VERY serious, and I'm afraid that if I tell her how I feel, it might actually scare her.

 

Any ideas on how I can tell her, or if and when I should tell her? She means so much to me, and I want to let her know, but I don't want to frighten her, either.

[Curmudgeon]

Gently! Go very gently. I had much the same experience with my wife and it took years for her to get as comfortable with my love as she ever will because of sorry past experiences. Sometimes you just have to settle for that, especially when it's the most you'll get.

 

My wife loves me completely and she knows I'm devoted to her. Maybe that's a word you can use instead of love.

[Mistaken Identity]

Maybe you could say it with a card? I know that sounds corny. You could give her a thank you card for some reason (my husband gave me a thank you card just to thank me for being married to him) and tell her that way. Or maybe you could just sign it, Love____, as opposed to just coming out and writing "I love you." Then there's no pressure for her to say it back or to even comment on it if she doesn't want to. I have a friend who signs her cards with "Love Ya." It feels sincere but not scary. BTW, she sounds like a lucky girl to have you. Good luck.

[stereo1]

Or maybe you could just sign it, Love____, as opposed to just coming out and writing "I love you." Then there's no pressure for her to say it back or to even comment on it if she doesn't want to.

 

 

You know, strangely enough, this has already happened. On Valentine's day, we bought each other a card (we had been together just over a month), and we both signed it Love, _______. So in that instance, I got a chance to say it, and she actually said it, too. Now, I know Valentine's Day is a special situation, but still.

 

I do have to add that I was married for 10 years. One of the things about her was that she was very intense about basically all emotions. One example was that I would hear "I love you" half a dozen times a day or more (she ended the relationship, BTW, after leaving me for someone else). Anyway, my point is, I admit that I became accustomed to that sort of display of emotions. My current lady isn't like that at all, and I understand why. I realize that this is partly MY problem, with my own need for reassurance (especially after being left by somebody else).

 

I guess like I said before, I just want her to know I love her without scaring her off, and hopefully she will eventually do the same. Don't get me wrong - she does little things here and there that shows me she cares. I guess it's just my need to hear it straight out, too.

 

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions so far.