reddog63 Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 Brief background: 42yr old married 20 yrs.........got to point in marriage .........I love you but not in love with you.......wife working hard on marriage...............I was very close to separating. So, even though she is a good person, sex is good, etc..........I feel a disconnect and do not feel that it will return. Everybody has read these these type stories........I love you but not in love with you.........well, for the people that had similiar situations as mine, I would love to hear your input. Did you just stay in it for the kids? Did you reconnect over time? Just any thoughts may help. I look for answers that may not be there. Link to post Share on other sites
37andConfused Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 married 11 years and 3 kids. Feel like she's stopped really trying to be exciting on the relationship front. good mother and good woman. but i feel she's emotionally very dry. whereas i'm very intense. after all these years, i WANT to be in love with her. I find her very attractive, but our sex drives are mismatched. i'm a 3x a week guy, she's a 1x a week gal. I take care of the kids as much as she does, probably more. Neither of us work more than 40 hours. no financial pressures. maybe she's so secure in life that she's stopped trying to be exciting? I've talked to her numerous times about it, but no real change. I want all this AND my wife to be like she was before the kids. doable? pipe dream? would love to hear other people's input Link to post Share on other sites
portableversion Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 What, you want to be like the infatuated adolescents you once were? Think that marriage is high drama and 24/7 sex?? the 'in love' v. love distinction is STUPID. passion is so transitory and superficial. And it NEVER lasts. THe hormonal rush WILL end...so deal. Link to post Share on other sites
37andConfused Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 as my mom used to say - if you've got nothing useful to say, don't say it. Link to post Share on other sites
1Gravity Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 I've read that if the wife is interested it CAN be saved. I've read lots of stuff at marriagebuilders.com and it's pretty interesting. In my case, the wife wasn't interested. You can do it!! 1Gravity (gravity was taken) Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted May 1, 2006 Share Posted May 1, 2006 a Marriage Encounter weekend with my husband. I loved him, but was getting so fed up with the ugly realities of his drinking other crass behavior that I wanted out of the marriage. ME helped me to better understand and appreciate my marriage, and I think it gave him an idea why I initially was in it for the long haul. it's safe to say that relationships go through those blah patches where you just want to throw in the towel for whatever reason, and the key is to look at it a different way than you have been. Often, it boils down to a lack of communication between the partners and/or trying to live like married singles. You know, where you do your thing, he does his, and you call it a marriage even though you're not doing anything to actively promote couplehood. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reddog63 Posted May 2, 2006 Author Share Posted May 2, 2006 What, you want to be like the infatuated adolescents you once were? Think that marriage is high drama and 24/7 sex?? the 'in love' v. love distinction is STUPID. passion is so transitory and superficial. And it NEVER lasts. THe hormonal rush WILL end...so deal. Portableversion........How did you get........"What, you want to be like the infatuated adolescents you once were? Think that marriage is high drama and 24/7 sex??" out of my post??? I have been married for 20 yrs!!!!!!!! Not 6 months. I know what marriage is about for the most part. People can grow apart and loose feelings for one another. Is that a more appropriate way to say it as opposed to 'in love' v. love"? And it does not have to only be in an abusive relationship. Believe me, I do not take this subject lightly, thats why I asked for input. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink_Tulip Posted May 2, 2006 Share Posted May 2, 2006 Hey Red. In many ways I can relate. Been with my H for 15 years, met when we were 18. I have found that I am a much different person in early 30's than was at 18. We had some issues in the past that we worked through, but that feeling just isn't there anymore. I love him more than anything, he is my best friend, a wonderful guy, wonderful father, I just feel we have grown up to be different people. He is still very much in love with me, which complicates the situation. So now I am left to wonder, do I put my kids through the ugly reality of divorce so I can be happy, which feels so selfish. This would hurt my H so much. Or do I accept my situation, be thankful for the good things in life, and learn to live with this constant sadness and lonliness I feel. Sorry I can't offer any advice, just letting you know you aren't alone. If you come to any great understanding, please let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reddog63 Posted May 2, 2006 Author Share Posted May 2, 2006 Hey Pink: We seem to have alot in common. Even your name is a shade of Red...ha. This was what I was looking for, someone who can relate. Your situation sounds almost identical to mine. For some reason it helps to know there are others in the same boat and can understand the situation. I doubt I will have any great revelation but will let you know if I do. Thanks for response....... Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted May 2, 2006 Share Posted May 2, 2006 Take a 10 day trip as a couple to somewhere new, say Belize or Greece or something. Go exploring a new place together. Maybe it's not just the marriage that seems to be in a rut. Perhaps life just seems so routine in general? A change of venue and new things to see and do together might remind you why you got married in the first place. Sort of a second honeymoon. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted May 2, 2006 Share Posted May 2, 2006 married 12 years. 3 kids - 8,7,2. she's a good woman, good mother. mismatched sex drives. shes' 1x a week and i'm 3x a week. most important -we're completely different emotionally. she's fairly dry while i'm very intense. after all these years, i WANT to be loved and in love. I WANT to spend time cuddling on the couch and hugging spontaneously, etc. she's absolutely not this type of person. she's more steady. her body absolutely turns me on and i tell her this all the time. i want to keep things exciting in the bedroom, while she needs a lot of convincing to try something new. so do i just accept that this is what its going to be for the rest of my life? or do i have an affair? or do i go find that soulmate and put the kids thru a messy situation? none of the options are appealing... Link to post Share on other sites
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