my husband is a jerk!

[so_frustrated]

I have been married for 10 years. If you count all of the times we have split up, it probably only adds up to about 8 years. He works, I do not. We have a 6yr old and a 8yr old. They are both now in school. He claims I have it made. He thinks that half of the time I'm sitting on my butt, and the other half, I'm out spending "his" money. 80% of the time he is a total jerk to me and our kids. If he says jump, we basically jump. If he snaps his fingers, we come running. I feel that I have a job at being a housewife, and also a mother. I get up in the morning to two cranky kids. I have to argue with them everyday about getting up, and what they are going to wear to school. Then I race out of here to get them to school on time. Then I come home, clean, do laundry, clean some more, and then maybe go get groceries, and then figure out what I'm making for dinner. Sometimes I hang out with friends. I never sit and watch tv...NEVER! If I have appointments, I go do that. After school, it's a race to get home so that I can have his dinner on the table when he gets here. I then am again dealing with two screaming kids (boy and a girl, they fight all of the time). Now I have spilled milk to clean, crackers to vacuum, and poopy butts to wipe. All while making sure I don't burn his dinner. Then he comes home. We eat. The kids are rowdy and he's tired. He yells. I yell. He sits at the computer for alittle while, then upstairs to lay in bed to watch tv he goes. More spilled milk to clean up. More poopy butts also. He wants a drink...I get out of bed, get him one from downstairs. Now the kids want a drink...I get out of bed again and go downstairs to get them one. His back hurts, I get up, go down and get him some aspirin. Oooops, I forgot to get him a drink...back down I go. Finally I can go to sleep. Hours later, my son wakes up with a bad dream. My husband yells, shut up and go back to sleep. I jump out of bed and run to him. Calm him down, get back into bed. Now the dog has to go outside. I again get up. Back and forth, up and down, all evening, and all night. I have 6hrs to myself during the day. I spend that time cleaning usually and like I said doing laundry. I enjoy the hrs that I have to myself preparing for whats to come when everyone gets home. The reason I do not work is for financial reasons tha are hard to explain. If I could go to work and not have one other thing to worry about, I would be in my glory. I have so much to remember everyday with the kids and school, and also so much cleaning up. Not only after the kids, and the dog, but also him. He really thinks I have it made, when I feel that he does. He has a physical job, but I have a physical and mental one. I know he is tired after work, and I respect when he wants to just lay in bed, but I know that if I were working, we would for sure get a divorce because things wouldn't be 50/50 and then I would snap for sure. I don't know what to do anymore. He says he is a jerk because of me. He hates it when I talk on the phone, and ask to go somewhere with a friend. It has been really nice out the last week, and I have been taking the kids to the park after school everyday. Now he says I'm never home and he thinks I'm up to something. I could go on and on about the way he treats, and has treated me all of these years, but OMG we would be here forever. I really need some good advice. I wish I could put into words better about how things are, but I kind of tried to sum it up. Please help!!

[Rob In NC]

I wish I knew what to tell you. I'm anti-marriage, so I'm probably not the best person to give you advice. It sounds to me that your husband hates his job and comes home grumpy. He also sounds too controlling. You should tell him how you feel. Also, let your kids start wiping their on butts:) . The should be old enough to handle that now.

[Guest]

Keep a log of everything you do for a week. Then show it to your husband and say, "This is what my day looks like. Every hour is spent on the house, the kids or running around to different places. If I take an hour to see a friend, I don't think that's unreasonable."

 

If he sees your day laid out in black and white, maybe he'll start to understand.

 

Also, keep a budget. Keep track of where all the money goes and if he barks at you for spending all "his" money show him

 

$150 went to the phone bill

$200 went for groceries

$120 went for car insurance

 

etc. etc.

 

It's hard for someone to accuse you of being a spendthrift when you are carefully tracking every dime and penny.

 

 

When you have logged all this stuff, sit down and tell him how hurt you are that he accuses you of 'having it made'. It's not easy to run a household and he needs to appreciate what you accomplish every day.

 

If he can't start to understand, maybe you two need some marriage counseling. When communication breaks down over a period of time, it may take a third party to help you re-establish understanding for each other.

 

 

I also want to add that your children are old enough to start doing some chores around the house. Give them a list of things they can help with so that you are less stressed and frazzled.

 

Children at age 6 can help wipe up spills, pick up toys, brush and feed the dog. Also, they can keep a pitcher of water by the side of the bed for a midnight drink if they need one.

 

Children at age 8 can help wash dishes, or at least sort them and put them in a dishwasher, fold laundry, walk the dog, put away groceries and do light cleaning.

 

I'd make a 'chore chart' up for each child for the week and start having them pitch in. If you consistently do everything, OF COURSE you have no time for yourself

[catgirl1927]

He seems to think of you as a burden. I honestly think the BEST thing for you is to go back to work. He seems to resent that you don't work, so get a job. You should probably also start preparing yourself emotionally for divorce, because that's where it sounds like you're headed. You both sound completely miserable, and that's no way to live, for either of you.

[littlekitty]

Also, let your kids start wiping their on butts:) . The should be old enough to handle that now.

 

A point that occurred to me also...! At 6 and 8 they should be pretty much able to wipe their own asses, even if they need a little help!

 

Sounds like the usual marital issue where both partners are feeling they are pulling more than thier weight and the other isn't. He sounds unhappy at work, and home. You sound unhappy at home.

 

And yelling (especially in front of the kids), isn't good for anyone.

 

I think you need to sit down (maybe with a mediator) and discuss the issue. What are his concerns, worries, expectations of you. And what are yours? Have you talked about this? It sounds like there's an elephant in the room and neither of you are talking about it!

 

I guess the question is, what do you want to do about this?

[Skeered]

I agree...hubby sounds like he's not crazy about his job, you sound like your not crazy about being a housewife and kids sound like they are reacting to the stress in the house (their fighting all the time)..from what you have written here it seems to me that noone is sharing to helping the other ones out..the kids can for sure take care of their own butts..lol

 

Me personally as far as the hubby lying down and you getting him things..I do that anyway for my guy, did it for my hubby for 11 years also and I work 40 hr. weeks I have a young daughter and I drive 45 minutes everyday to work and then 45 home..I have to get the house cleaned, dinner made etc in that time. I'm a firm believer that a man needs to feel that he has that love from his wife and that comfort. Not that he's "king" or anything but I think you understand what I mean.

 

Seek some counsel and if you both aren't willing to be honest with your feelings about the every aspect of your marriage than prepare for divorce because this simply can't last forever this way.

[aleatoryd]

I wonder whether some role reversal is in order as he really should experience your side of life!

 

Getting your kids drinks and wiping their butts at 6 and 8 isn't normal at their age. By this point they should be at a stage when they go to the toilet themselves and have a drink they take to bed. Please tell me you've got the 8 year old to stop wetting his bed and your phasing out nappies with the 6 year old. By 6 a child should be able to have control over these things. I know some people wet their bed up to 14! But kids should be weened off baby habits. Also spilled drinks and broiken crackers - okay the kids should be using plates and normal cups by now. Again they need to be taught to distinguish with being "all growed up". Most kids don't want to be treated like babies if they see the difference in how you treat them.

 

Sounds like you can lower the stress in your life by dealing with the more mature members of your house! Kids really do like to pretend to be adults. I suggest you buy a guide to raising children as you may find it useful in learning how to deal with the tantrums of the THREE (lol) of them. Good luck with things. Makes me appreciate how much my mum did for me when I was a kid!

[magda]

It does sound like you're spoiling your kids if they can call to wake you up to get a glass of water. Do you want to keep doing that until they are teens? I hope you were exaggerating about wiping your 6 and 8 year olds butts. That is way too old to need their asses wiped by mom.

 

Why not get a second job and let things slide a bit at home? Next time your husband complains tell him "fine I will work". If things don't get done say "fine, I'll hire a maid". If he says you can't afford it say, "fine, empty the dishwasher and here's the broom". If something's got to give, why not do that. Maybe he'll appreciate the amount of work you've been doing and agree that you're needed at home. If the kids are treated as self-sufficient beings they may act like them, also.

[Blind Illusion]

I wouldn't mind getting the kids the water but he can get his own drink!!!! I'm married to one of these bozos too. I get him nothing demanded of me. In fact I tell him that such behavior would give our children a distorted sense of gender identification, something his own parents obviously screwed up in order to have a son like him.

 

Really, truly, if you have a daughter, she must learn that if a man says "jump" , she is to sit down and laugh her arse off at him. Otherwise she will eventually be involved with men with controlling "jerk-like" tendencies herself one day.

[Blind Illusion]

Other posters seem to be concetrating on the kidlets...I say don't worry. Kids eventually grow up and do more and more...you will see. they'll get their own water and other things in time. Hubby will remain the self centered jerk he is though. "Me , me me" "my job I hate" "My money you spend" I want, I need, I have... It's all about him.

 

Same here.

 

Perhaps we need to both get out the violins when they start this and play a concerto..lol

[Blind Illusion]

I am sorry I am hogging your thread;it's just that this whole situation is familiar to me. Someone suggested getting a job and I so understand how you feel it really won't be 50/50 then.

 

So, for years, i didn't work and only now (kids are 13 and 10) am I working a few hours and planning on going full time at some point next year. It was probably a mistake though because I hurt me more than him. I love it now as he goes on about his money and I tell him "Oh no, that is MY money, boy, that brought this." Shuts that fool up.

 

I make sure on working days, we eat something simple like hot dogs and other assorted fare that he turns his nose down at. I tell him once I work full time, Ronald McDonald will be my new best boyfriend....he he he. He wanted to go on for years about "his money".....well, now the roosters have come home to roost. ((((big evil grin))) I regret waiting so long though because I thought that everything would really fall on me then.

 

The best part of all is that once you are earning a few dollars of your own, automatically, they lose some of their control over you. Nothing bothers a control freak more than that. That could be the best reward of all!!!!

[michelangelo]

and have the kids get their own clothes ready the night before!

 

I ironed my own shirt at 6.

 

Budget youur time.

[aleatoryd]

Maybe the father is a bad role model to the kids? How involved is he? Usually there is the soft role and the hard role - not gender specific but often the father. Mothers tend to nurture while fathers discipline. Kids will respect when the hard role parent tells then not to do something. Though shouting at them really doesn't work! Kids can be mischievous oh wait we were all kids once lol! Really though I would have thought your husband would have grown up by now.

[LakeGirl]

I've been happily married for 20+ years and one thing I have never understood is why a woman in a bad relationship (verbal/mental/physical) stays? Do you honestly think he will change? Doubt it. Quit thinking of him and start thinking about your self. Face it you are used to running the household, I'm sure you could do it without him. What example are you teaching your kids? To be lazy bossy men that expect to be waited on hand and foot. I have met a few of those guys in my day.

 

Just my .02 cents

[Pink_Tulip]

Really, truly, if you have a daughter, she must learn that if a man says "jump" , she is to sit down and laugh her arse off at him. Otherwise she will eventually be involved with men with controlling "jerk-like" tendencies herself one day.

 

I couldn't agree more with the above statement.

 

Have you talked about any of this? I think its time to sit him down, tell him how miserable you are, and that you two can either work together (hopefully through counseling) to work out your issues so the entire family is happier, or work out a divorce plan.

 

Speaking from experience, the longer you wait to deal with this situation, the angrier and more resentful you will become, the harder it will be to work on the issues when you finally start, and the more you will resent yourself for not getting a backbone sooner and demanding respect.

[Ladyjane14]

Speaking from experience, the longer you wait to deal with this situation, the angrier and more resentful you will become, the harder it will be to work on the issues when you finally start, and the more you will resent yourself for not getting a backbone sooner and demanding respect.

 

Agreed.

 

It's good to talk, but don't forget to listen too. I didn't see ANYTHING in your post about spending time together as a couple, or enjoying each other's company.

 

Unfortunate but true, men can act like total a*holes when they're not feeling special to their wives. I'm not defending him and saying he's not a jerk. Heck, he might be for all I know. But it's not at all uncommon for men to behave REALLY badly when they feel emotionally distanced.

 

Sometimes it's like being on the outside of the family unit. They b*tch and moan trying to make themselves the center of it....never realizing that all the while they're just pushing everyone away. Sad really.

[RecordProducer]

I see a few problems here.

 

1. You need to organize your family members. I have two 7-year old boys who fight too. I don't have much work around them. I wake them up at 7,30 am and tell them to get dressed. Their clothes are at THEIR disposal, they know all about it, they pick what they dress, they throw their clothes to the dirty laundry when they're dirty. I give them milk and cereals (takes me one minute), they eat and catch the school bus. They come back from school, I often have to beg them to eat or even feed them, but I can avoid that by putting food on their plates and not worry about what they ate when they claim they're done eating. I help them do their homework too. Otherwise they play together. I kiss them and hug them a lot and it helps with their behavior. But all in all, they don't listen to me.

 

You need to organize your children to do their own things by themselves. You can help them, but not do things INSTEAD of them. Same for your husband. You're wiping everybody's ass and they're wiping their feet off of your dignity.

 

When your kids fight - ignore them. When they are good - reward them. Use sentences like "Now who's gonna be a good kid and help mommy clean?" Believe it or not, my kids clean their own spilled milk or vacuum the peanut crumbs from the carpet. I've told them I am not their servant and refuse to clean after I told them ten times to sit nicely. When they need a new fork cuz they dropped the first one, I tell them to pick it up and get another one by themselves. They take a shower by themselves too; I just start the water for them and bring them towels.

 

A six and eight-year olds can do much more for themselves than you estimate. Your husband can go get own his drink by himself too. If he needs an aspirin often, keep it near his bed. Next time when he asks you for something, let him know that if he's tired (read: lazy), he's not disabled. You are tired too! Stand up for yourself, girl!

 

2. You need to organize your time. If you can't get a cleaning lady once a week (I have it once a week) then make a schedule of your work and stick to it. Don't force yourself to have a perfectly neat house. We'll all die some day anyway and things like cleaning a house are not as precious as your time and energy. Spend more time playing with your children - they seek your atention. They need a happy mom, not a yelling one.

 

You can make everyone wear the clothes more times before washing it or take it to the dry cleaner instead of washing it (except for towels, sheets, T-shirts, and jeans) unless you already do that. Learn to clean the house only the surface (don't be so thorough every time).

 

3. Organize your marriage. If you can afford marriage counseling, I think you would benefit from that. You need more time for you and your husband. Get a high-school girl from the neighborhood to baby-sit your kids so you can go out at least once a week together. Also on the weekends you can all go some place together with the kids and possibly your friends. Talk to your husband about how difficult your situation is (it really is), but don't forget to mention that you understand his position too. He does sound controlling and grumpy and that needs to change, but it won't unless YOU take some steps to change it.

 

4. And finally organize your own life! As you find more time for yourself, find some hobbies or activities that you enjoy. You need to get out of the house more. I don't know why you can't work, but it sounds like you would like to and that would be the best for you. Then you could definitely afford a cleaning lady and baby-sitter... and more than that.

[RecordProducer]

P.S. Cooking takes a lot of time. Perhaps you should think of ways to do it quicker; e.g. make meat and fresh salad, but don't make soup and veggies. Or cook pasta and chicken in the simplest way and cut a couple tomatoes with it. Just make it simple.

 

You can also freeze some meals so you don't have to cook every day. Sometimes just have ready meals that you need to warm up in the microwave. And don't forget to ask everyone to clean the table after the meal (especially the kids) and put the dishes in the dish washer. Believe me, they are perfectly able to do that. My kids even clean the table with a sponge sometimes. They can also help you set the table. My kids do that too.

[Pink_Tulip]

But it's not at all uncommon for men to behave REALLY badly when they feel emotionally distanced.

 

 

Very good point. Sometimes men don't have the resources to deal well with emotional issues, so they 'act out' in a sense. This could be his way of showing you he knows something is wrong but doesn't know how to fix it, kinda like kids and negative attention. If this is the case, I would say it is probably a very good sign, as it would indicate he doesn't like where the marriage is right now and wants a change as well.

 

But of course, I could be completely wrong and he is a jerk, lol. Talk to him ASAP.

[Seen_It_All]

So Frustrated, it honestly appears like you're jumping through hoops like a trained seal to JUSTIFY to everyone why you're not working outside the home.

 

As the others have mentioned, these kids are not toddlers nor are they infants. They're somewhat self sufficient children that you keep doing everything FOR, including wiping their butts like they were 2 years old or something.

 

Why are you so adverse to going to work? When you describe how you get the kids up every morning and make them dress, get them fed, gather their belongings and rush them to school, you're simply describing what EVERY parent does, whether they work or not. As a single working mother, my mornings were no different than yours - I was doing the same exact rushing around that you're doing. So I don't understand why you feel your job is so much 'harder' as a stay at home parent. It's not. The only difference between what you're doing and what a working mother is doing is that the working mother has to squeeze the same chores you're doing into her weekends or at night after work.

 

I agree with the others. I think it would be smart to get out into the world and at least get a part time job. The simple truth is that it's very dangerous to be totally financially dependent on a man when you can't guarantee what will happen in the future. Especially when your kids are in school all day.