Sometimes its insecurity, sometimes its not

[JadeStar]

This is a spin off of another thread I was reading on being accused of cheating. I know alot of times people will accuse others such as their spouse or partner of cheating when infact its what they were doing. However, I wonder if its possible that a spouse will accuse another of cheating when the one doing the accussing isn't really cheating? Maybe just insecurity perhaps?

 

I remember a few years back when my husband and I were having problems, he did this thing where he would accuse me. Such as I could be at the store getting up groceries, and call him to see if he needed anything. He would then say things like, "tell your man I said hey." There was never a man there with me. Another time was when I went shopping for a new dress, and came home empty handed becasue I didn't find anything I liked. That has happened before. I get home and he would say, "so where ya been? you didn't go shopping or you would have bought something." Not true, I have gone many times to the mall and not found anything. Then he would make snide comments like, "I don't know what you do at home when I'm at work." blah blah blah.

 

I would call him out on things that he said, and tell him his insecurity was showing and I was tired of it. I haven't gave him a reason to think otherwise. He knows this. I would then say to him, when he would make the comment he didn't know what I did when he was at work, I would say, "I don't know what you do at work." He would then shut up about it. I have had some weird feelings in the past that possibly something might had been going on, but never real proof so I would then think maybe it was coming from something he was doing, hard to say what though. Glad we are past that now. So guess it can come from plain ol insecurity sometimes on the accusers part. He is or can be an insecure person sometimes.

 

So my question is, do you think people who accuse their spouses or partners, of cheating can sometimes be becasue of just insecurity and not that they are cheating, or do you think it is usually from something they themselves are doing?

 

 

 

Jade

[Curmudgeon]

IO think it can go both ways and either way it's unattractive and the antithesis of what a marriage is supposed to be about. If you can't/don't trust your spouse, you're better off without them. That's also a two-way street. If your spouse doesn't trust you, without cause, why are they with you and why do you remain with them?

[JadeStar]

Well with me and my hubby situation he has pretty much always been insecure to a degree. It was something we went through for a peroid of time and it wasn't easy but things seemed to have worked itself out some, with us both trying to work on and put forth extra effort in the marriage. He doesn't do or say things anymore like he used too. I put a stop to that. I had enough of being accused of things I had not done, and I think too, he didn't have a real ligetimate reason for accusing me, other than him being insecure. I think once he relized that, he stopped.

 

 

 

 

 

Jade

[johan]

IO think it can go both ways and either way it's unattractive and the antithesis of what a marriage is supposed to be about. If you can't/don't trust your spouse, you're better off without them. That's also a two-way street. If your spouse doesn't trust you, without cause, why are they with you and why do you remain with them?

 

I can't say it's quite this black and white. Some people struggle with trust and cannot bring themselves to really have it for someone else. At least not all at once, and insecurities can come and go. I wouldn't automatically sentence them to a life of solitude.

 

I agree with the idea that there are multiple drivers for mistrust. Insecurity and a tendency to do wrong yourself can cause it. I'm pretty sure that the tendency to do wrong doesn't always have to be there. Some people have been seriously betrayed and have had things done to them that they would never turn and do to anyone else.

[Curmudgeon]

I can't disagree. My wife had serious abandonment issues when we first married based upon sorry, past experience. It took four years of marriage for her to do away with her "escape" plans and realize that I was totally committed to her and our marriage for the long-haul.

[Ladyjane14]

So my question is, do you think people who accuse their spouses or partners, of cheating can sometimes be becasue of just insecurity and not that they are cheating, or do you think it is usually from something they themselves are doing?

 

All things considered, I think it's probably more likely that he's jealous due to insecurity rather than cheating. Certainly, a cheater with a guilty conscience will display irrational jealousy, but unless you have pretty good indications that there's something going on, it's more likely to be that he's got a self-esteem issue.

 

If he's REALLY out of hand, it could be something that requires treatment. Here's an article for you:

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=34554

[RecordProducer]

I don't think it's always because they are doing something or intend to. There are so many cheaters that totally don't accuse their wives of anything. I even know a cheater that told me "I don't care what my wife does" when I asked him if she cheats on him too. People's feelings and personalities are different. Sometimes you think your partner may cheat because he's suspicious, lies, is too flirty, or simply too attractive and busy... Sometimes you feel insecure overall... And sometimes you think of others what you know of yourself, but that's certainly not the rule when it comes to accusations.