Husband and a hidden video

[marriedyoung]

Hello,

I am 18 and my husband is 31. Well, a few months ago I found a video. I plugged it in thinking it was a home video of his son. Well, it wasnt. It was of him and his ex having sex. I ripped it out of the VCR. When I confronted him on it he said it had his ex doing drugs on it and he wanted to use it in court. But then he destroyed it. It hurt me that he would keep something like that in our home. I still cannot get over it and I find myself wanting a divorce over it. It made me feel disgusting and I dint enjoy sex with him anymore. I feel like the only reason we are together is for our new baby. I dont want to live a lie, and I cannot get over this disgusting video. Please help me.

[carmaenforcer]

I say if he treats you good and the only thing you have against him is that he kept a video of him and an ex having sex, I say try to do what you can to work it out and stay together. Us men are very visual and very sexually driven. Doesn't make what he did right but, it's not as bad as it seems in the mind of a woman, I'm sure he doesn't have feelings for this other woman and if he loves you I'm sure it's for real.

 

What he did was wrong, but relationships can't grow if you fall apart the first time you hit a bump.

I think the "her being on there doing drugs and taking her to court" thing is BS though.

 

If you still love him, warn him and give him one last chance to just be in a happy relationship without secrets or any other nasty surprises.

 

Just my opinion. Good luck.

[JamesM]

Although I am not sure you will listen to another man's view, I will take the time to give it.

 

I don't always agree with carmaenforcer, but for the most part...this time I do. There is really nothing significant to be worried about. Yes, he kept the video. Worst case scenario he gets off on it...this I HIGHLY doubt. Most likely, it is a memento. I can see your point clearly...why does he feel the need?

 

Personally, if it is enough that causes you to think divorce, your marriage is not solid. A Marriage Counselor is in order.

[tikigods]

Recently my husband discovered his old camcorder and popped in the videos to watch and see what was on it, he had no clue what half of the things were, and in one video had no idea who the people were (it was a woman giving birth of all things LOL), one was a video of his exwife, and after we watched it he put it away never to be seen again, but my point is that he didn't keep the video of his exwife for any other reason other then he forgot that he even had it. Prehaps the same is with your husband?

[AManWithTroubles]

What he did was wrong, but relationships can't grow if you fall apart the first time you hit a bump...If you still love him, warn him and give him one last chance to just be in a happy relationship without secrets or any other nasty surprises.

 

Some great points here. Just remember, every relationship, every marriage, every lifetime couple will run into conflicts. It's how you deal with those conflicts that define the relationship.

 

Now, it's time to sit down and go over boundaries with your husband. Let me ask you something. When you married him, did you tell him that video tapes of ex-spouses are off limits with you? Don't assume that someone sees things the same way you do. You have to make some boundaries, just as you do with children. Let him know what you are uncomfortable with, and ask him to do the same for you. This should go for money spending, porn usage and types of porn, alcohol use, gambling, alone time, together time, going out alone, fidelity, all those things. Gotta fill each other in, otherwise, one of you might do something you think is harmless, but the other will get very ticked off about.

[Touche]

He destroyed it. What more do you want? You knew he had a life before you came along. But he's with YOU now isn't he? He had a child with you and not the ex. He married you. Grow up. Please. Don't think of divorce over such a petty issue. If you do, you'll be ruining your child's life. And for what? Is it really worth it.

 

A note to anyone else out there even THINKING of getting married at this young age...DON'T!!!!! YOU AREN'T READY FOR IT! You may think you are but you're not. Dumb crap like this will break you apart. An older and wiser and more mature person would understand that this means nothing and move on to what's important.

[catgirl1927]

The age gap is what really stands out to me. Why would an adult want to marry someone so young? I know you're probably super hot, and he loves how agreeable and pliable you are, and you don't have any baggage at all. But at least tell me you're going to college and planning to have a career.

[bab]

This was a few months ago, and he destroyed it??? You need to let it go. If you can't handle things like this, then your in for some extremely rocky times ahead. Maybe the two of you could make your own video together. Just don't do any drugs in the video!

[prfrogkisser]

I have to agree with most of the posts. I understand you are hurt because you didnt expect to find this type of video but your husband was married before and he had a life before you came along. He probably didnt realize he had it and if he did well he doesnt anymore right! He destroyed it. You are hurt because is was with his ex. You dont need to feel insecure. He is with you now. Learn to be happy and let go of the past. Would you feel bad if he had just regular porn? This tape shouldnt destroy your marriage.

[933KJL]

I say that if he destroyed it, you ought to work on getting over it. Hey when you marry someone who has been married before there is bound to be some baggage!

[Kenyth]

I understand you're hurt and upset by this video. It's certainly not worth divorce though. It was a trophy. Men can have trouble letting go of stuff like this sometimes. The important thing is, he destroyed it after you found it and told him it hurt you. The relationship happened before you, and there was no lying or cheating involved. Do you have mementoes of other boyfreinds? A ring? Some photos? Maybe a stuffed animal? Same basic thing, just a little less crass.

[RecordProducer]

That's what happens when children get into such serious responsibility like marriage!

 

Sorry he had sex with his wife, sorry he felt like capturing a video of it, sorry you found the tape, sorry you married a guy with a past, sorry he married a guy with no life experience. Duh!

 

I wish I found a video of my hubby and his ex. Mmmmm, I would enjoy it...

 

Just kidding, I'd probably feel jealous to watch it, but definitely not angry at him for keeping the video.

 

I buried all the memories I didn't like in the attic!

[Craig]

I don't want to live a lie, and I cannot get over this disgusting video. Please help me.

You aren't living a lie, your husband had a life before he met you. The tape is destroyed, you can get over this tiny little non-issue. Trust me if this is the biggest challenge you will face in your marriage (any marriage) then you are extremely fortunate.

[RecordProducer]

sorry he married a guy with no life experience.

I meant a girl!

 

I agree with Craig, btw.

[Noos]

May I ask a question?

What the hell are you doing being married at 18????

I don't think I knew how Medicare worked at 18, let alone how to navigate a serious relationship.

What do you have in common with your husband??

[AManWithTroubles]

Let's not get all nasty with the person married at an early age. It's tough, yes, but not impossible. I married at 20, and learned to work through a marriage. You just kinda grow up in a different way. I've had rough spots, especially recently, but I think we are very strong right now. I always hated it when people said that you can't marry that young and stay together. Why doom this poor girl already?

 

Instead, we can help her. Give her sound advice, instead of belittling her. Some things to know:

 

20's, especially early to mid 20's. People begin to change. That means you. This is when you will more than likely begin to question your relationship and if there are others out there who may be better for you. Just stand strong in your relationship and remember the one you married. Temptations are just that. No need to act on them.

 

Keep an open line of communication, including things that you may find unacceptable. That way each of you are aware of the other's feelings. Communication is very important.

 

In heated debates/arguments, if things look as if they are getting out of line, one of you needs to do something different, something maybe even funny to break off the tension until you are ready do carry out the conversation in a calm manner.

 

Well, those are a few. But it can be done, young one. I'm going on year 10, and I bet we were doomed from the beginning also. We even had twins at the beginning of our marriage. That's the toughest part. As our marriage counselor said, we didn't get that time alone together without kids to learn about each other. We had to rush through that phase straight into the parenting roles. But we toughed it out through a few nasty storms. It's ok because the calm between the storms are beautiful.

[ladyinwaiting]

Personally, I don't think this would worry me that much ... but then, I have rather liberal values, and my boy's exes are kinda hot, and I'd probably be rather interested to see if his technique had changed and .. well, that's probably enough about me and my perversions.

 

This might seem like a big deal now, and probably understandably. I doubt you're particularly worried by the visual evidence that your husband had sex with someone before you; eighteen or not, you must have realised he had a past. Rather I suspect you're upset that he kept the video, and that he could have watched it, and why would he want to do that if he had you and was over her, right?

 

Well, there are lots of answers. Maybe he really is keeping it for court, although given the divorce is finalised that seems unlikely. More likely, he's just being typically male and keeping it as a reminder of his previous victories. Men (and plenty of women, i"m sure) can be a bit like that. It doesn't mean he loves you any less, it doesn't mean he wants to be back with his wife, and it certainly doesn't mean he loves you any less. In fact, that he destroyed probably proves he loves you beyond measure.

 

Granted, this is hard to hear at the moment. Jealousy is a nasty beast! But, seriously, sit down and discuss it. Tell him how hurt you were. I'm sure you can work through this. Marriage will last a lifetime, and in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. Hopefully you'll be able to laugh about it in a couple of years, maybe while he cringes a little

[blue636]

What do you have in common with your husband??

 

 

In her own words, "I feel like the only reason we are together is for our new baby."

[carmaenforcer]

Dude I feel like I'm on a phone call with my friend that is still with Cingular. the connection was lost and we've been talking to ours selves for the past couple of days.

 

Anyway, I agree with AManWithTroubles 100% on what he said:

 

Why doom this poor girl already?

 

Instead, we can help her. Give her sound advice, instead of belittling her. Some things to know

 

In case she is still listening and didn't run with the first statement that didn't tell her what she wanted to hear, like my ex in couples counseling.

 

You feel trapped because of the baby, you probably have friends or family against you relationship, people whispering negatives in your ear all the time.

Do what you want, if you really love your man and want things to work, then just love your man and make things work, if you changed your mind about being in a relationship but didn't do things the right way and think before you involved a baby into your bad life decisions, deal with it and don't blame your man for your change of heart or instability. If you are looking for excuses to give up they will always be there, it's a lot harder to find the courage to blame your self for your mistakes or to work on something.