Wrongfully Accused of Infidelity

[POS324]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]While I have done some things in my life I am not proud of the one thing I can be proud of is that I been faithful to my wife of nearly 20 years. It is a badge that I wear in secret and one that is rare now days. I guard it very carefully. Suddenly my wife found it necessary to ask me if I was having an affair. I was in complete shock that she would ask this seriously. I discovered that she has suspected this was true for about 2 months and that she suspected a co-worker. Her reason for finally asking was that she searched my cell phone directory and discovered her phone number was entered. The woman she suspected is in her mid 20’s and is very happily married herself. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I don’t claim to be the type of 40-year-old man who could attract a pretty young woman in her 20’s. And I consider myself fortunate to have an attractive wife. She still makes my heart race and makes me light headed when she is close to me. Not trying to brag but my wife is an attractive woman who could have just about any man she desired. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I did my best to assure her that this was not true and then went away feeling horrible for her that she has endured the horror of suspecting infidelity for 2 months. I started to feel guilty and then realized that it wasn’t true and that I should not feel guilty. About a month later I joined a carpool of three co-workers that included this woman and another man. Not wanting to upset her I didn’t tell her that this woman was part of the carpool until after the carpool started. Maybe that was the wrong approach. When I told her she became very cold and it really pissed me off. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]After almost 20 years of fidelity I suddenly feel like I am walking on egg shells with her. She asks me regularly about where I’ve been when I’m late from work or recreation. She exaggerates about the normal activities that I have always done and has fabricated this perception that I don’t want to be around her and my family. In reality nothing has changed about my habits and activity. I work the same hours, participate in the same recreation with her, without her and with our children. She is still clearly uncomfortable and I don’t feel that I have ever given her a reason to be. I feel like I am paying for a crime I didn’t commit. It makes me feel like if I am going to pay I may as well commit the crime. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Before I throw my badge away I would like to hear from anyone who has ever been in a similar situation. [/FONT][/sIZE]

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[FONT=Times New Roman]Innocent and Confused.[/FONT]

[blind_otter]

Sometimes people jump to accuse others of things that they, themselves, are doing.

[whichwayisup]

Is it possible you're not having a physical affair, but an emotional one? Are you 'friends' with this woman? Do you confide in her about your life, get personal at all with her about her life? If so, THAT is what your wife could be picking up on.

 

OR, what B_O said, she's accusing you, making YOU feel bad about something you've not done because she's doing something she shouldn't be doing. She is feeling guilty and reflecting it on you. Looking for reasons to throw it in your face.

 

Why not introduce this woman to your wife. Maybe that will settle her fears. I don't know...But something isn't right here. Something has set her off and made her doubt you! It's more than just finding the woman's number on your cellphone.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[bab]

Maybe she's feeling insecure about herself. Tell her how you are feeling, and that this behavior has to stop. Ask her if she is having an affair. Let it brew for a couple of days so that she can more readily understand what she is putting you through.

[carmaenforcer]

Be honest with yourself first and look at the situation from her perspective. Put yourself in her shoes, if you were the one with a suspicion and it was her phone you found a phone number of a guy half her age and then after you took two months to build up the courage to finally open yourself to the woman you love and are in a marriage with, she then joins a carpool with the very guy that you told her you have issue with, almost as if on purpose to rub it in.

Remember that it is important to be 100% honest with yourself when doing this role reversal experiment or else it doesn't work to help you try and understand where she's coming from and what you might be doing to make things worse.

I had this discussion with my Wife the other day. You see, we know this couple that are a both friends of our. The girl is Best Friends with my Wife and the guy and I have become pretty good friends. He confides in me about things and he told me that he got a BJ from some other girl. He like you got accused all the time before doing what he did and so some may think that he this make what he did ok. I don't.

Anyway, I told my Wife I only so that she could then have a talk with her BGF about what I think is poisoning their relationship.

I think that the girl of this couple (My W's BGF) is at fault, not because of her accusing but because she does some shady stuff that also has him thinking that something is going on, when it really isn't. My Wife tried to argue that there is no way that her BGF lying about talking to some guy friends that he has issue with, going out with them on occasion and keeping in contact with them on the internet justifies her boy friend cheating on her.

I argue that it does because, it is my belief that perception is sometimes worse than reality. She gives him room to doubt and make an environment where she is doing things behind his back and then lying about it, he's not stupid so he eventually finds out and then never trusts anything she says as being truth. He loves her and doesn't want to break up with her so he just levels the playing field by doing what he think she might be doing to him.

My Wife surprisingly agreed with immediately and just said, "I know, I keep telling her not to lie to her man and just be honest and stop hiding crap and doing crap that upsets him, but she won't listen."

 

You are placing doubt in your woman's mind, her insecurities are coming from seemingly no ware and you feeling like you don't deserve the accusations does not make it ok for you to push the envelope, it will only make things worse. I know that in some way the attention from the younger girl is flattering and the drama it is causing can be a little exciting, both unconsciously welcome in a long and possibly stagnant relationship but I think that if you really love your Wife and don't want things to get worse than they already are, you put some distance between you and this young female co-worker and do your best to show your Wife, without a doubt that she is the center of your world. She will feel stupid for ever thinking wrong about you and you will be rewarded in the end with her over compensating for what she did.

[EndoftheRope]

It's interesting to read your post. I can see my husband writing it.

 

All the comments made here are good: is it possible she's accusing you of what she herself is doing? Years ago, my husband accused me several times of sleeping with other men. Given that I've never slept with ANYONE but him, did not have any male friends, etc, etc, I could never figure it out. Then I started finding him setting up e-mail accounts he kept secret and having friendships with women at work that he never mentioned, and it started to make sense.

 

Currently, I believe he has or had at least an emotional affair with a 24 year old at work. (He is 37, btw, close to your age.) He denies such a thing even exists. Maybe it's all on the up and up, but he has certainly done many things that LOOK suspicious. You know that saying, avoid even the appearance of evil. He has given many appearances.

 

Have you given her any reason at all to ask questions? I don't think most women just wake up one morning and start accusing their husbands of 20 years of an affair. This is NOT to say you did anything wrong per se, but take very much to heart the advice to look at it from her perspective, how it would look if you found a young man's number on her cell phone, or if you found whatever else there might have been to find between you and this woman, but you found it between her and this man? If you had raised questions about him already and suddenly she was carpooling with him and not telling you?

 

Another bit of advice, although of course it's entirely based on my situation-- don't belittle her concerns. One of the things that makes me more suspicious is that I KNOW my husband would be having a whole herd of cows if he'd found a little friendship going strong between me and a guy he'd never heard of, and found this guy sending me daily e-mails. Yet when I have the same questions and concerns, I'm told I'm 'ridiculous,' and 'irrational.' Sounds to me like a case of 'the best defense is a good offense.' Even if it is somehow innocent, he's making it look a whole lot worse by the way he's treating my questions.