Just doesn't get it

[km]

I sometimes fantasize, seriously, about being single again.

 

My husband, when he works (and he doesn't work consistently) is a real dick. He apparently thinks it's my fault he has to drive long distances, and my fault he comes home in a foul mood, and my fault that he doesn't earn more. It's actually my fault he EATS and has a roof over his head, because I work 40+ hours a week and am the primary breadwinner. There's never been any pressure on him to do ANY work, except for maintaining and cleaning the house. That's a agreement we made when we married, that he has never lived up to.

 

SO anyway, I'm writing today because I wonder why people don't get it, sometimes; why they don't understand that, if you continue to be an ass to someone who doesn't deserve ass treatment, eventually they are going to get sick of you and leave.

 

Biggest mistake of my life was getting a dog with him, because it binds me to him (the dog loves him; and I love the dog). Soon as we don't any longer have a dog, though, I'll fantasize SERIOUSLY about letting him be his pissed-off self all by himself.

 

Probably won't do anything about it, of course (been with the guy for 21 years, so go ahead and call me stupid), but I -will- fantasize about it. And, someday, I realize life's too short to be miserable this often.

[Ladyjane14]

You might consider sending him for a depression screening. Men at the midlife tend to hit a rough patch. Often that results in mild depression. This can manifest in displays of anger and generalized 'dick-i-ness'.

 

Your husband's medical doctor can assess him and treat as necessary. You might have to twist his arm to get him to go though. If he'll allow it, it's worth your time to go along to the appointment with him. (My husband buffaloed his way through the first screening, and came away without treatment!)

 

Here's an article for you: http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Depression/men_women_2.asp

 

If that doesn't work then.... there's nothing left to do but get a NEW DOG and count your blessings that you weren't sharing kids.

[Blind Illusion]

...and when you do eventually leave or find someone else, it will once again be YOUR FAULT for ruining their lives.

 

I must have married your husband's long lost twin or something. He even has to assign a fault to a simple thing like a computer going awry.

 

I would love to do like LadyJane suggested about depression screening and even medication for his tirades but he won't go. I think deep down these types cannot bear to think something is wrong with them. (even though most intelligent types know that depression is not some character flaw). I'm guessing these men had overcritical parents that they never made them feel good enough.

[ImWithHer]

Probably won't do anything about it, of course (been with the guy for 21 years, so go ahead and call me stupid), but I -will- fantasize about it. And, someday, I realize life's too short to be miserable this often.

There you go. You said it right there. You need to tell him everything you just told us, and take it from there. He'll either realize his dickyness is about to cost him big time, or he'll say "You know what - I feel the same way about you." Either way, you can't waste your years like this. The dog situation can be worked out. You only get one life.

[km]

Thanks for the advice, all. I'm sure he probably does have some level of depression. It's not mid-life related, though - he's ALWAYS been like this. He will NOT seek treatment.

 

I feel very stuck in a no-win situation, today. Anytime there's a problem, it somehow becomes my fault, now. I, apparently, cannot have opinions or, if I do have them, cannot express them. As long as I live that way, HE can be happy (I, of course, will continue to be miserable).

 

I would love to be able to express to that smidgen of rationality that he does possess how unhappy I am, and why -- but I have developed, over the years, the really bad habit of not being able to express my sadness and pain without blaming him -- and that immediately puts him into blame-me mode (which I understand: when attacked, attack back). I just can't get around seeing this as anything but -his-fault. I was fine when I met him. I'm not the one who has subjected him to years of anger and substance abuse and all his other issues.

 

That sounds horrible. I know I've -become- to blame for things, over the years, because I did not develop good coping mechanisms and, instead, really developed bad ones. But, in this relationship, if I except an ion of blame, it ALL comes my way.

 

I sit and I wait for him to leave, one way or another. I have a neighbor who became widowed a few years back -- she's never been happier. She gets to live her life, her way.

 

I can't even IMAGINE what it must be like to be in a good marriage.

 

Sorry -- I'm having a really bad day. Just want to crawl off into a quiet, dark place, and cry. I probably don't mean many of the things I'm saying today, but I need to say them, anyway.

[Ladyjane14]

I would love to do like LadyJane suggested about depression screening and even medication for his tirades but he won't go.

 

Mine wouldn't go either, until after I had already seen a lawyer.

 

Now, I don't recommend that as a bluff, but there really does come a time when you've had enough. I was ready to divorce him and he knew it.

[Ladyjane14]

....I have developed, over the years, the really bad habit of not being able to express my sadness and pain without blaming him

 

Well, the key to solving a problem is to first identify it, so you're ahead of the game, right?

 

What you have to do now is to STOP blaming your husband for the circumstances surrounding your life. Get back into the "driver's seat". You'll like it there! Make your own decisions. Take responsibility in both the good and the bad choices that you make.

 

Meantime, stop accepting blame from him. "Sticks and Stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me!" The only way that he can hit the bulleye with his words....is if you take them to heart.

 

It's a challenge to listen to your partner, sift through the bullsh*t, and determine what's valid and what isn't. It's separating the chaff from the wheat. And when your partner is troubled....there's usually a whole lot of chaff!

 

Try Listen, Rephrase, Repeat as a communications tool for doing this. After I started doing it, I was SHOCKED at how often my husband and I were simply misunderstanding one another.

[dgiirl]

He even has to assign a fault to a simple thing like a computer going awry.

 

lol mine did that too... kept saying i have a murphies aura or something. And *i* work with computers for a living. Jerk!

 

Let me just say, since I've been thrown into singleness, it's NOT as cracked up as it looks. Being single does have it's disadvantages. Dating sucks! It's hard to find someone you really click with. I keep noticing everyone's negative habits and I've become pretty picky and judgemental. And I just dont really want to invest myself at the moment again. It can be a little lonely a lot of the times, so you really need good friends and become a social butterfly! Having said that, there are a few really GOOD things about being single. I dont have to answer to anyone. I eat, sleep, do whatever and whenever I want. There's noone to nag to or be nagged at. It's peace and quiet! And if there's anything nasty and dirty to clean up, well it's your own damn fault lol

[km]

Thanks, LadyJane ...

 

I really do know that

1) I cannot change him (though I continue to try);

2) I can change only MY behavior (though I feel unable);

3) He can't make me unhappy, only I can (though I continue to let him make me);

4) I shouldn't take it personally when he's being a dick (though I do).

 

Don't you have to have cooperation, though, on the "Listen, rephrase, repeat" method? If I try to have a calm, adult conversation but he just continues to yell and accuse, it's not going to work, is it? Or do I just walk away, at that point?

 

Funny -- yesterday, he (unbeknownst to me) felt attacked by something I'd said (I expressed an opinion, in a non-productive way because I'm tired of keeping my opinions to myself) but he didn't say anything. Later that day, he jumped on me and I had no idea where it came from so I just picked up, got in the car, and drove off for about 2 hours to find a quiet place to sit and read and be alone. When I came back, I got accused of having a temper tantrum (my driving off) though he leaves the house unannounced all the time. This is a very one-sided relationship. Point being, I tried the "better to walk away than argue badly) approach, and it pissed him off even more.

 

I need therapy. I procrastinate getting therapy because I don't know how to find a non-christian therapist in the bible belt (I'm an atheist, and don't need to hear about what jesus would do, as I think he was probably an admirable guy, but he was just a man who never had to live with a narcissist), and I don't know how to go to therapy to learn and not just spew. Spewing is good, but all it does is reinforce that I have a right to be pissed off.

[lovernotafighter]

Thanks, LadyJane ...

 

I really do know that

1) I cannot change him (though I continue to try);

2) I can change only MY behavior (though I feel unable);

3) He can't make me unhappy, only I can (though I continue to let him make me);

4) I shouldn't take it personally when he's being a dick (though I do).

 

Don't you have to have cooperation, though, on the "Listen, rephrase, repeat" method? If I try to have a calm, adult conversation but he just continues to yell and accuse, it's not going to work, is it? Or do I just walk away, at that point?

 

Funny -- yesterday, he (unbeknownst to me) felt attacked by something I'd said (I expressed an opinion, in a non-productive way because I'm tired of keeping my opinions to myself) but he didn't say anything. Later that day, he jumped on me and I had no idea where it came from so I just picked up, got in the car, and drove off for about 2 hours to find a quiet place to sit and read and be alone. When I came back, I got accused of having a temper tantrum (my driving off) though he leaves the house unannounced all the time. This is a very one-sided relationship. Point being, I tried the "better to walk away than argue badly) approach, and it pissed him off even more.

 

I need therapy. I procrastinate getting therapy because I don't know how to find a non-christian therapist in the bible belt (I'm an atheist, and don't need to hear about what jesus would do, as I think he was probably an admirable guy, but he was just a man who never had to live with a narcissist), and I don't know how to go to therapy to learn and not just spew. Spewing is good, but all it does is reinforce that I have a right to be pissed off.

have you read about 'Walk away wife syndrome'? I kept telling my husband over and over that I can't take this abuse anymore and we needed to work on our marriage and it fell on deaf ears..suddenly all his bitching and nagging started having 0 effect on me.

 

I started to plan my divorce..then I told him I was leaving he seemed shocked and surprised...and wanted to try..but the thing is I tried for years and nothing..I let him try to convince me but even in his best efforts it's far to late.

 

when I started leaving during a arguement and doing something for me and put him out of my head..it might have been a signal of the end,because now I have no feelings,I don't get sad or mad, nothing. all I want is out.

 

good luck,I hope you find happiness some day.

[Ladyjane14]

I really do know that

1) I cannot change him (though I continue to try);

2) I can change only MY behavior (though I feel unable);

3) He can't make me unhappy, only I can (though I continue to let him make me);

4) I shouldn't take it personally when he's being a dick (though I do).

 

It's easier to know what to do...than to actually DO IT!. I hear ya.

 

But this is EXACTLY what I mean about getting into the driver's seat and taking control of your life and your emotions. You have to make yourself do it. You have to force yourself to take responsibility in getting it done.

 

It sucks. I know. I'm in the BTDT club on it. But after it's done....you have your life back.

 

Don't you have to have cooperation, though, on the "Listen, rephrase, repeat" method? If I try to have a calm, adult conversation but he just continues to yell and accuse, it's not going to work, is it? Or do I just walk away, at that point?

 

If he can't hold up his end of a calm discussion....then it's not really a "discussion" is it? It's just an argument at that point, so why continue with it?

 

If you get into the habit of refusing to have arguements with him, he'll eventually learn that he has to watch his mouth if he wants to be heard. This works particularly well when he learns that having a "calm discussion" is a nice experience where he gets to express his thought and it is well received.

 

Meanwhile, atheism is no bar to therapy. Call your health insurance company to see if you have coverage.

[Blind Illusion]

Well, the key to solving a problem is to first identify it, so you're ahead of the game, right?

 

What you have to do now is to STOP blaming your husband for the circumstances surrounding your life. Get back into the "driver's seat". You'll like it there! Make your own decisions. Take responsibility in both the good and the bad choices that you make.

 

Meantime, stop accepting blame from him. "Sticks and Stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me!" The only way that he can hit the bulleye with his words....is if you take them to heart.

 

It's a challenge to listen to your partner, sift through the bullsh*t, and determine what's valid and what isn't. It's separating the chaff from the wheat. And when your partner is troubled....there's usually a whole lot of chaff!

 

Try Listen, Rephrase, Repeat as a communications tool for doing this. After I started doing it, I was SHOCKED at how often my husband and I were simply misunderstanding one another.

I find this so impossible to do but I know you are right. Instead I become on a mission to make him see how ridiculous he is being. Of course that never works & I am probably becoming just as insane as he thinking this same course of action will work.

 

I will try that Listen, Rephrase, Repeat approach though. Without sarcasm in my voice because I know I can be. He pushes all my wrong buttons but deep down, I know I allow that somehow.

 

Today's big tirade was about our income taxes and my wanting a copy of this electronic transfer since I am not signing it and wanted to have a copy of a document that included me. Hardly, an unreasonable request, if you ask me. You would think I asked for his head , hand delivered on a platter. I won't go into the whole thing on someone else's thread but he usually ends up doing it but not after a whole lot of threats, screaming, etc. I don't want to live like this. It's too messed up and life is too short.

[witabix]

When they just don't get it there is nothing you can you do to make them get it.

 

IMO they get it all too well, its just that they can't be bothered enough or honest enough to admit it. Its easier to be a dawg than it is to be a straight up person.

 

They are getting their own positives from it, I would advise letting them continue to get whatever it is they get and get the hell out of it.

[km]

He came home from work today to tell me how upset his boss is. His boss was injured, a while back, and has been in lots of pain. Apparently, boss' wife found out his prognosis is continued pain and, from my husband's viewpoint, is unreasonably complaining about the pain's impact on -her- and is forcing the boss into counseling.

 

I pointed out that I know from experience that men who come home tired and in pain can sometimes be real pr*cks to their wives, and maybe he just doesn't see that his pain -is- having an impact on her.

 

He, I think, understood that I was attacking his behavior (though calmly), and he wanted to get mad but wasn't really sure I -was- attacking him. He REALLY didn't get that this situation mirrored, to a certain extent, our own -- except that the boss' wife has the balls to order her husband into therapy, and the boss loves her enough to be afraid he might get left.

[Ladyjane14]

I pointed out that I know from experience that men who come home tired and in pain can sometimes be real pr*cks to their wives, and maybe he just doesn't see that his pain -is- having an impact on her.

 

He, I think, understood that I was attacking his behavior (though calmly), and he wanted to get mad but wasn't really sure I -was- attacking him.

 

The look of consternation on his face must've been priceless!

 

I hope you'll post back in a day or two and let us know if he's connected the dots.