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Falling out of love after 9 years

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Old 30th March 2006, 9:06 AM   #1
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Falling out of love after 9 years

OK, had a friend approach me and asked a question which I figured I'd better post here before I stuck my foot in my mouth. He asked "Can someone wake up one morning and look at their partner and ask why am I here." He said that during the last month he has noticed that he was losing his feelings for his wife and really didn't want to be there anymore. There has not been any other women and no arguments, he just lost that loving feeling. I don't know, can you actually just quit loving someone for no apparent reason?

I think its possible since people are constantly changing. The trick is change in the same direction at the same time. Anybody have any ideas?
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Old 30th March 2006, 9:22 AM   #2
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I haven't experienced this personally, but my husband told me about a year ago about a buddy of his who this happened to. He told me his buddy said, one morning him and his wife both woke up one morning and he asked his wife, "do you want to stay married?" She then replies, "not really, do you?"
From what my husband said, this was a mutual thing on both their parts. They weren't inlove with each other anymore, they grew apart over time, and neither one was willing to work on the marriage. so they split mutually.

However, did your friend say it was just him that felt that way? Or did he say he thinks his wife feels the same as he does? I guess its possible to wake up and feel you're not inlove anymore, but then again, most of the time thats probably something that has been taking place for a period of time, a gradual loss of feelings. JMO.

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

~Dr. Suess~
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Old 30th March 2006, 10:23 AM   #3
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I totally agree with Jade . You can't just fall out of love in a day . Doesn't happen that way . It has to be a gradual thing over a period of time where things has happen and made you turn cold. People change after you marry and the thing that keeps the marriage surviving is growing with the change .
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Old 30th March 2006, 10:36 AM   #4
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I don't know, can you actually just quit loving someone for no apparent reason?

I think its possible since people are constantly changing. The trick is change in the same direction at the same time. Anybody have any ideas?
If you speak to people who have been in successful long-term marriages, many will tell you that they went through periods when they thought they had 'fallen out of love'. It's a phase. They fell back in after some time and continued happily.

As so many people have said, love is a verb. It's action. It's not just a passive feeling.
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Old 30th March 2006, 1:07 PM   #5
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I don't think it 'just happens'

It's more of a process over time. Little resentments simmer. Needs go unmet for months....or years. Intimacy dwindles and distance increases.

Gradually, any sense of closeness or connectedness disappears.

Finally one or the other kind of snaps out of their complacency and decides things are no longer satisfying.

I knew a guy who lost his love for his wife after 18 years. He said one day he looked at her and realized, "We don't belong together anymore."

The realization came suddenly, but the end of their relationship didn't. He said the last 5-7 years were quite difficult as their children went through some trying years. The stress of dealing with one kid's emotional disorders and another kid's poor school performance left little time for romance and connection.
He had to work two jobs in order to support everybody's needs. His wife wanted to go back to school too, which again increased the financial strain and decreased time together.

Finally when all the dust had settled, they looked at each other and realized they no longer knew the other.

Both had resentments that had gone unspoken for many years; she was resentful that she'd been burdened with most of the childcare....he was resentful at having to work so many long hours.

They were both tired. And bored. And frustrated.

Niether wanted to work on the marriage anymore. The time where that might have been feasible had long passed.

So they split. It ended fairly amicably.

I think he had good insight into why it ended.
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Old 30th March 2006, 4:00 PM   #6
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U can fall out of love slowly and not be aware of it because U don't want 2 believe U aren't in love with them anymore, but things happen and people change. 20 and 30 year relationships end why can't shorter ones?
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