Fiance overbearing..normal?

[LittleBrowneyes]

Hello yall',

 

I hope you could help me out with a problem I am experiencing with my live in boyfriend, soon to be husband in 6 months. I recently moved in with my Fiance, after knowing him for what seemed like two seconds, the problem I feel is, I feel too smothered. I feel like the morning we wake up he wants sex, than when he comes home from a long days of work he wants sex(basically twice a day). After we are done having sex he still wants to hold and kiss me and touch me like he is in the mood again. Basically, he always wants to touch or hold me. It is getting very overbearing almost. I wonder, does he have a love or sexual addict problem? I rejected his "affection" a couple of weeks ago, and he didn't touch me or hold me for three days, ignoring me almost. I don't know if maybe im the cold qween here, or are men really so "needy" He is only the second boyfriend I have ever had. I duhno, its situations like this that make me rethink what i may be getting into:eek:

[Guest]

He needs to respect your space and boundaries....but you ALSO need to communicate with him and be upfront about your boundaries.

 

He is not a mindreader. If all he knows is that out of the blue you 'rejected' him, that's how he feels.

 

Of course, his being cold to you for three days is also very immature.

 

Before you get married, you need to have a frank, open talk about sex and what your expectations and needs are.

 

Tell him that sometimes after work, you just need a little 'down' time. You're not always ready for sex when he is.

 

Let him know you love cuddling and hugging, but when you're wound up you need a little space sometimes.

 

Add that when he ignores you it's very hurtful and that's not the way to deal with problems. You need to talk about them.

 

Maybe he is needier than you are. Some people are. This may always be an issue in your marriage so start dealing with it now.

[Kenyth]

The things some people find to complain about. It blows my mind. It could be much worse you know. He could not want you at all and go looking for sex elsewhere. At any rate, if your sexual drives are too different, you may want to rethink marrying him. If you still want to marry, you're going to have to compromise. He's going to have to forget about having sex sometimes when he feels like it, and you're going to have to go along with it sometimes when you don't feel like it.

 

A lot of women simply don't fully understand what testosterone does to the sex drive. That's the way the male mammal is built. Live fast and die hard. The sex drive of the male is designed to be very competetive, women's are not. In nature, male mammals have a high mortality rate and are outnumbered by females. They also are designed to compete with each other for the right to reproduce. Thus ensuring only the fittest DNA for the environment is passed along to the next generation. With monogomy, you'll invariably have problems with differing sex drives.

 

The thing that concerns me here is that, even with a 50/50 compromise, you'll still be having sex daily or at least every second day, and you don't sound like you want that. Breeding resentment for his sex drive won't do much for your marital bliss, so I suggest you get your expectations worked out now ahead of time.

[Pink_Tulip]

It could be a couple things.

 

-Maybe b/c you are still in the 'honeymoon phase' he is more motivated than normal to be this physical.

 

-Maybe he just has a very high sex drive.

 

-Maybe that is his love language and he doesn't feel loved by you unless engaged in some physical activity.

 

I have said many times that both people really really need to sit down and seriously talk about what your expectations are for sex in the relationship, especially BEFORE you get married.

 

I am a little concerned about him ignoring you for three days after you turned him down. Were you mean about it? Was he ignoring you b/c you hurt his feelings, or b/c you didn't have sex with him? If you hurt his feelings, all the more reason you need to have a talk about expectations so you aren't getting frustrated with his advances and being hurtful. If he was 'punishing' you for not doing what he wanted, that sounds a bit controlling and would raise a red flag for me.

 

The point of this entire post: TALK to him. Good luck.

[carmaenforcer]

My W and I have had this problem. I, like your Fiancée, am the more touchy-feely of us two and I also tend to want sex more regularly than my W does. When we first moved in together she told me for the first time, but she was mean about it and I sulked for a bit, again like your Fiancée. We later had a talk about it and so now I try and respect the fact that my woman is not as needing of physical contact as I am.

You know the funny thing I noticed though, the less I touch, kiss, ask for sex, the more she does. I always thought that was sick, but hey whatchagonnado. Right?

 

Just talk to him, let him know that it's not that you are not attracted to him or that you are getting sick of him, it's just that you don't like to be so touchy-feely all the time. It sometime is all in the delivery, how you say something is sometime more important than what you say. telling him that you need the want to build up and it will be that much better when you finally give in to the wanting with some actual doing. I'm not just talking about sex, the same applies to just touching, holding, kissing, etc.

[Sal Paradise]

You guys are still in the honeymoon period. His behavior sounds normal to me.

[LittleBrowneyes]

First of all, thank you all for your replys.

 

Kenyth: your so right, i suppose there are worser things in life to figit about. There are women on this message board that complain all the time that their men wont give them attention or cheat on them. Im just feeling overwhlemed by this problem, thats all. Although. very interesting information you said.

 

 

Pink_Tulip I wasnt "mean" to him at all. I just would smile and gently push him away and hint him in a lot and say things like "gosh your so horney" and I rejected wanted to have sex that night. Than he seemed botherd for a few days, didnt want to hold me or rarely touch me. I have a very easy going "sweet" personality, which really, I have a hard time saying no to anyone. He is use to datenig more "feisty" women as he has said in the past. Which I know he loves difference Anyways, I think you raised some good points, and Im sure going to have to talk about expectations. If he gets upset again, that I suppose that would definately raise a red flag. Althogh, the truth is, im just not that lovey dovey of a person as he is. Maybe im the one with the problem.

 

carmaenforcer: Well good to know you and your W have had this problem. Yeah, the trugh is, im really just not that "needy" or as emotional as he is. Although, your so right lol, you men push us away then we come back wanting more LOL!Thanks for the advice.

[AlmostMarried77]

As the other guys have said... Talk to him!! If your worried about coming over as the ice queen... try saying to him that his sex drive scares you a bit. His primary concern will be your happiness. If he thinks you're scared, and from the tone of your post i think you are at least concerned if not scared, then he will want to work things out so that YOU'RE happy. Plus by saying you're scared it difuses the situation. Makes you more seem more girly and innocent and asks of him to do the man thing and take care of you.

 

Best of luck, I really hope you get it worked out

[MusicWoman]

You know the funny thing I noticed though, the less I touch, kiss, ask for sex, the more she does. I always thought that was sick, but hey whatchagonnado. Right?

 

it might be sick, but its true!!! My man is the needy one too....and then when we talk about it being a problem for me, he backs off a bit, and then I want him close to me again, and then hes too close again, and then we talk about him backing off a bit....yea its a cycle...lol

[SoleMate]

Does wanting sex and physical affection equal neediness?

 

He needs to respect your boundaries. You also need to respect his feelings. Sexual feelings are very sensitive. To your partner, your sexual rejection of him - however gentle you tried to make it - obviously hurt a lot. And how "cold" was he for the three days? BTW - when you "label" his behavior as clingy, you denormalize it. Couldn't you also say, "My bf seeks lots of physical contact with me"? It's factual, and NOT a judgment.

 

Please read His Needs, Her Needs and The Sex-Starved Marriage to gain some understanding on this and otyher issues of great concern to your couple r/s.

[carmaenforcer]

I have something new to add to this one. This weekend my W and I moved into a new apt. We actually moved Thursday after work, my W and I took Friday off to deal with the cleaning of the old place, getting the cable hooked up at the new place, returning the UHAUL truck, that kind of thing. Since we had to be at two, three or four places at once we didn't see each other a lot that day. Then Sat and Sun I had to work a full shift, I never work the weekend but I needed to go into the office this one. Anyway, since my W had already complained to me that she didn't like the fact that I had to work, especially on this what would have been a three day weekend for us and in a new place and all, I cut my day short on Sun and came home early. My W, knowing I was going to come home early still went ahead and made plans with her BGF to go shopping for curtains, make up, music CDs, etc. a full day at the mall type thing. No problem, I took the time alone at home to work on her car and set up my surround sound system.

 

Anywho, when my W came home I was still working on rewiring my entertainment system and didn't give her a lot of attention and kept working so she took it upon herself to attack me repeatedly with kissed, hugs and groupings. I had a glimpse at how I must have been or rather am, some times.

 

It's a back and forth, the trick is to find a balance between smothering and ignoring and work within that.

[lilah]

 

I wasnt "mean" to him at all. I just would smile and gently push him away and hint him in a lot and say things like "gosh your so horney" and I rejected wanted to have sex that night. Than he seemed botherd for a few days, didnt want to hold me or rarely touch me.

 

Hinting does NOT work with men! You need to be to the point and say what is on your mind or he won't get it. Just shrugging and saying "geeze, honey you're horney" does not convey to a man that you do not want to have sex with him. Be straight up with him. A lot of women try to "hint" around about what they want and then get really disappointed and frustrated when they don't get it. Duh! You can't have what you don't ask for. It's like playing the man lottery, sometimes you get lucky and get what you want but the best odds are just not to play that game. The fact that he ignored you for 3 days may be an indication that he didn't get your message and felt rejected for no reason. If you can't learn to communicate now, this will get much worse after you get married.