Why do men do this?

[Freebutterfly]

I have been with my sole mate for 6 years and I love him so much. But he lies to me about porn. He says he dons't look at but I find it in the History. My big thing is that he lies to me about it I would be ok with it if he wouldn't hide it and look at it 3, 4 times aweeks. Come on, I get in to porn movies. I get into toys. Go head tie me up. I told him time atfer time do it 3 or 4 time a month but hide it. Why?

[Guest]

Because when he was growing up, his mommy made him ashamed about looking at pictures of nude girls and of masturbating. Stuff like that can stick with you for life.

[Candied-Heart]

He probably thinks you're going to flip out even when he does admit it. So he's stuck. Porn generally has a bad image amongst women, even more so amongst taken women.

[Freebutterfly]

See thats the thing I don't.

[mimzie]

I went thru this time after time after time after time after time (get the point? LOL) with my H. We have been married almost 9yrs now. At first I was SOO mad I told him I didnt want to find it again, he actually tried not too but then he would do it when I was gone so then I hated to even leave the house cause I knew what he was going to do. Or if I was asleep and he was awake, he'd do it.

 

So then I tried "Well I dont mind but I dont want you hiding it from me!" but that didnt work either, I did a LOT of reading about it too and I found out that sometimes guys do it for the fantasy of getting caught. I guess it thrills them or something, Not a guy so have no idea what runs thru their head lol. Not that they want to get caught but it's kinda like "Oh I cant let anyone know about this.."

 

I'm a lot like you, very open to anything he wants to do etc but couldnt understand why he couldnt say "Hey, I'm gonna go look at porn!" I guess that is something they need to keep secret when they are going to do it, I guess it wouldnt be fun if you knew about it all the time so I relaxed on it a lot and I think H does it less now than before. I never search anymore either, I was queen of finding anything hidden, even when he deleted history so he knows if I wanted, I could find it but *I* dont care to know anymore. Its kinda like, let him have his little fantasy of porn and if it gets too far outta hand then I'll step in but my dh usually only gets pics or movies, no live chats or anything like that so I think its pretty harmless.

 

I know this isnt a sex ed board LOL and I hope I dont get in trouble for posting this but I wanted to say, you could even try getting him to do it in front of you to kinda ease his fears of you getting pissed. My H is still not comfy doing this, still very embarrassed when I'm around etc but its no big deal now. I'll occasionallly make a comment about it (not negative, just a comment letting him know I know about it but it's no problem kinda thing.) He had found porn on my brothers computer and mentioned something about it like "He's dl'ing porn!!!" and I said calmly "Honey, YOU dl porn!!! so whats the big deal???" He was like "Oh yeah" then went on about his business LOL

 

So anyway, to sum it up, even if you are OK with it, he's still going to hide it cause thats just the way he is, just make non-negative comments about it to nicely let him know you know or whatever and he'll prolly do it less. Do some research on it too, It calmed my fears a lot.

 

Rachel

[michelangelo]

If you really don't care that he looks at it, then stop bugging him about it. respect his privacy.

 

If you really do care that he looks at it, then drop the act of being accepting of it.

 

Why does he have to share something he clearly feels he wants to keep private?

[Limaa]

This problem will never go away. Either men look at it (98% do) or they dont. Because it is so easy to access, its like an invitation for them.

I Had issues as well, but my H looked at it everyday, every chance he got. Try to deal with that.

Anyway, I have been more open, and have taken a lead in sex. I start it, take control, do unexpected things. Beliveve it or not, he hasnt been viewing porn haas much. He looks at it about maybe 3 times a week. Sometimes in front of me, sometimes not.

I have gotten to the point where, yes, I have to accept that he looks at porn. But, what I also did was get my own porn collection and then he saw it a little differently. In the end, he got jealous that I was looking at other men. Its funny how that works!

[carmaenforcer]

If you really don't care that he looks at it, then stop bugging him about it. respect his privacy.

 

If you really do care that he looks at it, then drop the act of being accepting of it.

 

Why does he have to share something he clearly feels he wants to keep private?

 

You beat me to it michelangelo. That's exactly what I was going to say.

I have a friend that smokes, his woman was against it and threatened to leave him once, he tried quitting and couldn't so he kept doing it but lied about it when caught. He does the same for porn and porn mags because even though his girl friend claims to be cool with it but still takes it when she find it in his room. I asked her why she took it if she was cool with it and she just said, "because".

 

Freebutterfly

Here's an idea, go out and get some porn, put it in the DVD player get dressed in some sexy lingerie but put a ratty robe over it, hide some toys near that you can access later from where you are sitting or will be laying with your soul mate later.

This is what I'm getting at. When he gets home sit him down to see a movie with you, trick him though, make him think it's something else, not porn.

Have it set up ahead of time so that when you hit play it automatically goes to a good scene (mid action, no talking or acting) when he looks over at you all surprised undo the robe and show him the good stuff. In the middle of doing it stop and reach for your toy(s) and have him use them on you.

Immediately after you hopefully both climax, lay next to him with your head on his chest and look up at him and say, "you see, you don't have to keep porn a secret if you don't want to, I love you and really cool with it in our home." or something like that.

[girlnotsure]

If he loves you, He should stop

[lilah]

If he loves you, He should stop

 

Sorry, but I don't agree with this. All guys look at porn, it's a fact of life. Either they admit it or they are lying about it. Just because a guy looks at porn does not mean that he doesn't love you or find you attractive. It's a guy thing. It's in their nature to look at naked women, they are visual, just as women are auditory. They like to look, we like to hear sweet nothings in our ears, watch romantic movies etc.

 

I don't understand why some women feel threatened when they find out their husband/boyfriend/SO likes to look at porn. It does not mean they want to have sex with some else. However, it depends on how much they are doing it that could turn into a problem. If it gets to be an addiction, they may start hiding it or lying about it. But ladies, the more you push these guys away and try to take it away by trying to control them, the more they want it. Let them have their fun as long as you know they are coming home to you. JMHO.

[eagle22]

Men looking at porn on a regular basis is somewhat of a normal thing to do. It's only natural to masterbate on a regular basis. In fact many men masterbate about their wifes doing similar things they watch in a porn. It's more of a release then anything else. Why hide it? We'll why don't most women admit to masterbating? It's one of those personal things you'd just rather keep to youself. A guy may feel embarrased to what he's looking at and may not have approval from his wife. There's absolutely no cheating involved in watching porn. My wife knows that I look at porn from time to time. It's only a problem if it's affecting the sex life of your relationship.

[Lennox]

Saying "All men look at porn" is a fallacy. It's not true. Men don't NEED porn, it's just a lie to get their wives to shut up about it. Men (and women) NEED food, water, shelter, etc...but NOT porn.

 

If it bothers you, you need to set boundaries with him. Lies will kill your marriage faster than anything else. You are the only one that can decide what your boundaries will be. He may whine, be bitter, and angry when you tell him it's either you or the porn, but you have the right to insist on a porn free life if that's what you need. I don't think women that have a problem with porn have self esteem issues. I think the ones that stand by quietly suffering are the ones with self esteem issues.

 

If it's a problem for you, then it's a problem in your marriage that needs to be fixed, it's that simple.

 

I can see how one poster here said "if he loves you, he'll stop". Sometimes though, it's not true...as in the case of porn addicts. Those people need help to manage their addictions before they can really be in recovery and stop. Sometimes you need to give the porn addict the ultimatum, either you or porn, before they get their heads out of their butts and see that there's a problem.