Trapped in Suburbia

[alongslowdeath]

I have been in a relationship for 5 years, and I am downright miserable. I started the relationship with the bet of intentions and an open mind, and never thought I'd fee this way. To make a long story short, it feels like I ma slowly dying... I ma 37 years old, good job, but I ma bored with the relationship. She has two kids and this is a problem for me too. The kids have always been there, but I am changing, or learning about my self. I cant deal with a boring life, being stuck at home, childcare is a major problem, and it takes so much time, energy and money to deal wit the kids, not to mention loss of personal freedom. Does this make me an evil person? Adding to the difficulties, we have not made love in almost 8 months (I have no desire at all), and one year ago we purchased a home together, which she cannot afford without my income. So I am conflicted because I feel guilty about leaving her and the financial hardships, and also the kids who I have become close to, however staying i the relationship is hurting me as a person. Haven't tried therapy because I know for a fact that I don't love her. I guess the underlying feeling, is that I woke up one day to find myself in a life I dont want to lead... wanting much more from life

[flavius]

Go ahead and leave her and her kids, why not? That's why you've managed to get around to getting a house, but not getting married, isn't it?

 

For a thousand generations the life you are living and hating was the whole goal of human existence. Children were a treasure. A faithful wife (oops, that's an S.O. on LoveShack) was a comfort. But you're too smart for all that crap. Why not just go back to being a teen-age boy?

 

We wouldn't want to hurt you as a person, now would we?

 

But if you're not willing to grow up and bloom where you're planted, you will never find happiness, or peace, or your dick.

 

Maybe it's tme to stop thinking about how you feel and consider what kind of a man you are.

[BeFree]

Question, what did you think is was going to be like when you married her?

 

I personally would not want to be with someone who did not love me. So you are not doing her any favors by sticking around. You can sell the house and she can get an apartment or buy a less expensive house.

[flavius]

Sorry, Long-D. Sometmes I write them, think about them later and then post them. This one went up prematurely, and I didn't know it until I came back later. It's been up over 4 hrs, so I can't take it back down. I am very sorry.

 

I know the mid-life crisis tune real well -- I'm just lucky I still had a seat when the music finally stopped.

 

It's just about facing mortality. Suddenly we realize that much of what we were living for is behind us. Suddenly we realize that we cannot make everything happened that we hoped for. Life is suddenly scarce, and we naturally want to blame the family for every opportunity we did not get to pursue. It's her fault I have to work. It's her fault I am not rich. It's her fault I'm not happy. It's her fault my sex drive is changing. It's her fault I'm not covered up in sweet 22y.o. ass, etc. It's her fault I have no friends. Etc.

 

It's gonna pass, man. Just let the world turn a little. Look for a higher purpose in things because, Dude, we all go to the s***-can eventually and rooting on some bright-eyed girl ain't gonna save you.

 

My bad time was bad like yours. I just wanted to run screaming out of my own life. Well, I outlasted it and so can you. The good news is that these last few years (I'm 43 now) have been the best season of my life, and that's the truth.

 

But the bottom line? Same as before. Do what's right, because if you make yourself a complete sack of crap, it doesn't matter if you are free or happy or whatever. A sack of crap is just a sack of crap, and nobody cares about a sack of crap. So don't go there. Be a hero.

[alongslowdeath]

Flavius, I fully expected the sort of knee-jerk response you gave... no worries. I don't think it is as simple as "longing for teenage years", or "mid-life crisis." I have proven myself to be very responsible in all facets of life, I'm not going to go into details about that, I think the issue here is no one truly knows what one is getting into, the minutiae and nuances of family life, until they go through it. Some can deal with it, others cant. Who knows, if they were my kids, maybe I'd feel differently... whats the point in crucifying someone for their feelings, not everyone is built for family life. There are websites and organizations dedicated to living life without children, I hardly think they are criminal enterprises. Again, I think because the love is not there, everything else is magnified, and it is becoming increasingly harder to live with. So I should suck it up for the good of society? Come on now... It's going to hurt my girlfriend no matter what, the easiest thing would be for me to drop a note and go, but I couldn't do that. She is hurting big time anyway, right now, in a passionless, loveless relationship. Over teh past few years, I've come to accept my limitations as a human being, but initially I really beat myself up over it, wondering why I was such a "jerk." Then, I really gave it hard thought, and is it so terrible not to want the family life? Should I just make a beeline toward prison because I cant function in a "normal " society." How ridiculous... not everyone is intended for the family life, to each his own

[lindya]

Haven't tried therapy because I know for a fact that I don't love her. I guess the underlying feeling, is that I woke up one day to find myself in a life I dont want to lead... wanting much more from life

 

 

Your posts are focused entirely on what you don't want. You don't want this life you're in. You think perhaps prison would be better. Taking that seriously, for a moment, what would prison offer you that this life you're in doesn't? Could part of your dissatisfaction stem from not really knowing what you want, rather than not wanting what you have?

 

Putting aside all the guilt, pressure to carry certain responsibilities and live up to society's expectations of you (whatever those might be) what is it you want? If you didn't have anyone else to worry about, what would you most like to do right now....and for the rest of your life?

[whichwayisup]

If you don't love her, then you owe to her and to yourself to end it. And DO NOT leave a note, that's just a wimpy and disrespectful way of leaving her without taking responsibility and dealing with her reaction. Hopefully you can end this without hurting her too much. I'm pretty sure she probably knows you're unhappy and something isn't right between you two.

 

It's obvious you don't look at her kids as your own. I mean, is it possible that you'd feel differently if you two had children together? Do you think this urge to run from family life would still be an issue? If so, then maybe you weren't meant to have kids, or be part of a family which has kids. And that is OK, though finding this out later in life after being with a woman who has children and look to you as a step parent, is rough. I feel for what you're going through.

 

Really think about what you want. Maybe go see a therapist, because if you just decide to end it, what if in 6 months you miss it all and want it all back?? Be sure of your choice and stick to it.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[alongslowdeath]

First of all, thank you Lindya, BeFree & whichwayisup for responding to the issue, without being overly critical. For the first time I see the value in these forums

 

Lindya, I don't think I compared my situation to being in prison, I certainly understand the difference, and we are making the same point, that while my current living situation is unfortunate, its not the end of the world. I do know what I want, which is the reason for the post.

 

Sophocles once said the keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities. I don't blame anyone, especially her kids, for this predicament, except myself. I may have gone into the situation with blinders on, without truly understanding its nature. But I entered the situation with the best of intentions, and I wish to leave with the best of intentions as well.. the question is not when will it end, but how. It is important to me to resolve this issue the right way, with my character intact.

 

I agree about the note, I reiterate it is not something I would do. This is why I am searching for options, it is possible I would see things differently if the kids were my own. I do have a daughter of my own, whom I support financially and have joint custody. I find the combination of my current obligations, and my girlfriends obligations, to be overwhelming. That is a factor of course. Her kids are 10 and 7, and she has not received a dime of child support from her ex, ever.... at times I feel guilty that the money spent on my current blended family, could be spent on my own daughter, who will be going to college in just 6 years. We are all good people, and we all deserve better in life.

 

Whichwayisup, you hit the nail on the head, I feel I've done everything possible, but I found out later in life that this life is not my calling. I've gotten over the guilt associated with it, now looking for a positive solution

[flavius]

Yeah, I know. You're still mad and I'm still sorry.

[HokeyReligions]

If they were your kids, you might feel differently. That struck a chord with me. If you are not happy in the relationship that unhappiness is going to spill over onto those kids, as well as you and your SO.

 

Talk to her about leaving. Sit down and plan financially for both of you. Sell the house if you need to and move on. She and the kids deserve someone who will love them - the kids deserve someone who will love them as though they were his own. You deserve to have a fulfilled life.

 

Perhaps a trial separation will benefit both of you, as long as you remain sexually faithful until the time you decide to permanently end the relationship. Separating is not a liscense to screw around - it's a time to find out what you do want for your life, and for her and the kids to find out also. You may change your mind and your heart and want to go back - maybe with some changes and compromises on both sides. Or you may decide to make the separation permanent. But be honest with her and with yourself, and even though the kids are not yours - they need time to adjust and not just have the rug pulled out from underneath them -- that became your responsiblity when you made the decision to be with them.

 

My husband and I separated when he was around your age. It was very painful at the time, but looking back it was good for both of us. We did get back together and have been together many years. There was a time though, that I didn't think we would and we both made plans for going on without each other. It proved to both of us that we could, and we both needed that too.

[Becoming]

I understand some of what you're going through. Having children seems like the thing to do, but then reality hits and it's so much worse than you could ever have imagined. There are days when I have just wanted to get in the car and drive to wherever, change my name, and start life anew because all the responsibility is too much. I haven't because I couldn't do that to my children. That's what being a grown-up means: putting children's needs before mine.

 

These children aren't yours, you didn't marry, which means at some level you deliberately left yourself an out, and now you want to take it. Since you have a daughter from a previous relationship, it doesn't sound like this is a new pattern for you.

 

And Lindya is right: you seem to know more about what you don't want (after the fact and messing lots of other people's lives up, too) than what you do want. That's why I DO think therapy would help you. It can help you come to know what it is you really do want and be responsible in getting it before you mess anyone else's life again.

 

I don't mean that harshly--just an observation. Only you can know if it's apt or not.

[JayKay]

She has two kids and this is a problem for me too. The kids have always been there, but I am changing, or learning about my self. I cant deal with a boring life, being stuck at home, childcare is a major problem, and it takes so much time, energy and money to deal wit the kids, not to mention loss of personal freedom. Does this make me an evil person?

 

It doesn't make you evil....but it sounds like you don't like the parenting role. That's OK. Some of us are not meant to be parents. If you peruse the internet for 'childfree' sites you will see that a lot of people feel that way. Here's the thing though.....kids can't help being here once they're here. If a parent decides halfway through, 'Gosh, you know, this parenthood gig isn't all it's cracked up to be' they don't have the option to get out. You DO have the option to get out....but remember, a lot of people are in it for the long haul and it's a hard haul to do alone. Kids are also affected by adults coming and going in their lives. So there are three people who will all feel the effects of your decision. Life certainly gets more complicated when you become emeshed in others' lives.

I'm sure you've thought about this a lot. I am in no way implying you have not been sensitive to these facts. I am just wondering if 'getting out' is the ONLY solution

 

 

 

Adding to the difficulties, we have not made love in almost 8 months (I have no desire at all), and one year ago we purchased a home together, which she cannot afford without my income. So I am conflicted because I feel guilty about leaving her and the financial hardships, and also the kids who I have become close to, however staying i the relationship is hurting me as a person. Haven't tried therapy because I know for a fact that I don't love her. I guess the underlying feeling, is that I woke up one day to find myself in a life I dont want to lead... wanting much more from life

 

 

What was it that brought you two together in the first place? If you purchased a home a year ago, things must have still been OK. What changed about two months after buying the home?

 

Have you had an honest conversation with her about the emptiness you feel? About wanting more from life? Maybe she feels just as trapped, bored and stifled as you do.

 

I would try therapy before opting out. You say you are 'sure' you don't love her but apparently, a year ago you felt differently. Do you have specific reasons for no longer loving her or was it just the wear and tear of time?

 

Sometimes old feelings can be resurrected when communication is re-established and both of you take emotional risks with each other again. No, this isn't psychobabble 101. It's true that most couples at some point in their relationships will experience communication breakdowns, distance, feelings of apathy or emptiness. You have to work your way back to each other. It can be frightening and at times, even feel hopeless. But if you can figure out how to get past the obstacles, you can end up with a richer relationship

 

 

It would just be sad to see you leave without giving it a real shot

[Guest]

Hokey, thank you for your wisdom, I see your point and I agree with a lot of what you wrote. Its really about living the "fully actuallized life." For me its not about sex, in fact I have zero desire for sex, or to be with another woman in any regard right now, which leads me to beleive that my situation may be causing some depression that I have to deal with.

 

Which leads me to Becoming's comments... thank you Becoming, because of your comments I have reconsidered therapy, I now see the value. I agree lives may suffer and become "messed up" when these situations occur, but that is the risk we all take in relationships. We enter relationships, at least I hope most people do, with every intention on "succeeding." Sometiems there are challenges that are overcome, and occasionally challenges are overwhelming. That risk is always there, and everyone suffers when a relationship sours.

 

I'm at a point where I am trying to be very honest about my feelings, I love her kids very much. I have invested a lot of time with them over the years, I have sacrificed for them, I have taken care of them emotionally and financially when their biological father abandoned them, bandaged their wounds and wiped tears. But, I dont know if loving them as if they were my own is realistic. No matter what happens, it doesnt come close to the bond I share with my own daughter. Its different, thats just how I'm built, and that;s why I made the comment that if the kids were my own perhaps I'd see things differently, in terms of my role as a parent.

 

JayKay - very well said... I agree, if I did not do everything possible to save the relationship, it would be a major regret. I think there are two separate issues for me to deal with here, the relationship itself is one, the parenting role and its consequences would be issue 2. Issue 1 I would be willing to explore every avenue, I know I have already gone on record saying I dont lover her, but I'm still willing to try as I dont presume to know everything. However, issue 2 is a major roadblock for me and I just dont see a solution here.

 

I just want to say thank you for everyone who took the time to post, I have gained much valuable insight from everyone.

[alongslowdeath]

Hokey - thank you for yoru wisdom. I agree with a lot of what you wrote. For me, its not about having sex with another woman. I have zero desire for sex right now, or being with another woman in any regard, which leads me to beleive my situation is causing some underlying depression I need to deal with.

 

Becoming, thank you very much, it is because of your comments that I am reconsidering therapy. I have always felt an obligation to her children, especially considering how they were abandoned by their biological father. I have been there for the kids physically, emotionally, financially, I have bandaged many cuts nad wiped away many tears. However, it can never match the bond I share with my own daughter. It just cant ,and I dont know if its realistic to expect someone to care for children as if they were his/her own. I have taken step-parenting classes, and usually the first thing mentioned is to have realistic expectations. There used to be a time where a woman would fully expect her beau to love her children, as part of the "package." This is now widely considered unrealistic, as children are individuals, and there is no guarantee the chemistry will be there. this does not preclude a loving relationship between man and woman.

 

JayKay, I agree with you 100%, it would be a terrible regret if I didnt do everything possible to salvage the relationship. I now see there are separate issues here, correct me if I'm wrong, issue 1 would be the relationship. I am still willing to work this out, even though I am on record saying I dont love her, because I dont presuem to know everything. However, I cant be as optimistic about issue 2, the parenting role. I see this as a major roadblock, just choking the life out of me.

[blind_otter]

I agree that there are those cut out for children and those that aren't. Honestly though, I see a lot of people telling you YOU need to do this, that and the other and no one is reallya sking you about the nature of your romantic relationship with this woman. Does she bring as much to the table as you do? Is she depressed about her situation? What is it about your relationship with her that has been lagging?

 

Because IME it's MUCH easier to deal with someone else's kids when that other person is pulling their share of the load with the understanding that it's ultra difficult to just step into a pre-made family situation. Sometimes the parent has an expectation of behavior from the person their involved with regarding parenting behavior. It's like the insert another person into "Dad/Mom" role and they get pissed off when you're clueless about the parental type behavior they expect from you.