Forbidden love: Is marriage the right choice

[Confused5433]

I have been with my bf for 9 months and it has been an intense rollercoaster ride. He is my first love. We've been through infidelity problems(from his part), lies, misunderstandings, fights, 2 months separation but also through an intense and deep commitment to our love...even after all the difficulties.

I know it seems backwards to say commitment after an infidelity, but there are reasons which I cannot explain, but that justify his mistakes. Please believe me on that one....and it's not just a woman in love talking.

 

Our love is real and it has overcome many, many obstacles.

The problem here is that my bf came on a visa and now it is expiring. I love him, he loves me too but the only way to stay together is marriage.

I don't feel ready at ALL. I have to jumpstart my career, move out of home and just be on my own with him to really get to know each other better.

Financially we are both unstable, besides my family is not too convinced about marriage and my father is clueless about him.

Honestly I don't know what to do?

 

On one hand I feel I could marry him and give him the opportunity of a lifetime to stay in America, and over time we will get to know each other better and who knows maybe live a very happy life.

But on the other hand, I feel marriage is a huge decision and frankly Im not prepared, and ready for such a commitment. Besides I have a small seed of doubt in my heart because of our troubled past.

 

He is struggling right now, because his dream has always been to find his love in America and marry, but his time is running out.

And I am struggling, because I feel his destiny is in my hands and the pressure is on me, I feel responsible for his life. I suffer because I could give him the opportunity he wants but at the expense of my life and future. Its heartbreaking to see him worried about what will happen once the visa expires...but I can't make up my mind. Please help me.....I don't have much time to figure this out and I am so worried for both of us....Specially for him.

 

I don't want to loose him, but it's hard to go against your insticts. If only we had more time and he wasn't on a visa, if only I could erase his mistakes.

I think about this everyday:

How do you know if he is the ONE?

What if you make such a sacrifice then end up in a divorce and regret changing your life for him?

What if he is truly the one to make you happy for the rest of your life?

What if marriage is the only way to save him and keep the relationship?

What if you don't marry and he stays illegal and gets deported, what a weight on your conscious?

 

What would you do in my place?

[bluechocolate]

I have been with my bf for 9 months and it has been an intense rollercoaster ride.

 

.............2 months separation..........

 

.....I have a small seed of doubt in my heart because of our troubled past.

 

The problem here is that my bf came on a visa and now it is expiring.

 

I don't feel ready at ALL. I have to jumpstart my career, move out of home

 

Financially we are both unstable,

 

But on the other hand, I feel marriage is a huge decision and frankly Im not prepared, and ready for such a commitment.

 

------------------------------------------------

7 months of a tumultuous relationship?

 

The visa issue makes this even murkier.

 

You know the answer already.

[No Stress Lady]

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not rush into marriage with this guy because he needs to marry you to stay in the US.

 

If you have already had infidelity issues in such a new relationship you should be hearing alarm bells ringing VERY loudly.

 

A woman I know had a very intense relationship with a guy she met here in the UK who needed a visa to stay in the country. He pressured her and told her how much he loved her blah blah blah - they married against EVERYONE'S advice, none of his family attended, now (a year later) she has a baby, he has no job and she never knows where he is half the time as he spends at least two weekends a month disappearing off with friends here that he has from his own country. She is as miserable as hell and is now saddled with paying most of the mortgage and looking after their child whilst he gallivants off god knows where.

 

Now, I know that this is just one story and not necessarily how your story might pan out but what really worries me in your case is the fact that you have already had infidelity issues and that you are in no way ready financially or emotionally to get married.

 

Please think very very hard before you make any decision.

 

Good luck...........I think you already know the answer to this one....

[tikigods]

In 7 months you have had more troubles then most people have over years of relationships. I tihnk you know that you shouldn't marry this man, and marriage doesn't equal insta visa (I have tons of friends that have had a hard time even after they got married to get a visa)

 

Let this guy go and find someone new. If he wants to stay in America there are many ways

[Confused5433]

Thank you all VERY MUCH for your response.

 

NoStreesLady, I have actually meet his family and they love me. His family back home knows about me and they also believe I will become his real wife. The problem here, is that my family hasn't really meet him. I don't usually bring a boyfriend home unless it is getting serious...which in this case it will be the first time. However by bringing him home, it's almost like giving him false hope of a marriage that are not in my immediate plans.

I know he is for real and truly wants to be a devoted husband.

The reason for the infidelity, is maybe part my fault. Because I can't marry him now, I told him to find a business marriage and we will still maintain an open realtionship. Now I see how that was very wrong, but now it's too late.

That's why he would get girls numbers, hang out and he swears he never, ever had any intercourse with any of them. But he is trying to find a solution and then come back to me. He has been put to many tests, and never did he ask me to marry him....I alone volunteered the idea. Because I love him, and somehow I feel obligated through his family. Maybe it is all in my head....but I don't know what else to do for him.

 

Tikigods...how else can he stay in the States...Do you have any advice???

How can I help him now??? Being illegal is not an option for him, it's too risky.

 

Any more guidance will be truly appreciated.

[bluechocolate]

Confused - now you've got me confused. I've just had a look at some of your other posts. Is this the guy you broke up with at the start of February?

 

If so (leaving the visa issue aside for a moment) could you imagine yourself marrying a man like this? Or stepping out of it for a moment, would you recommend to somebody else that they marry him?

 

And tikigods is right - marriage does not guarantee him an indefinite stay. Speak to an immigration lawyer about what to expect.

[clandestinidad]

I'm not sure I'd want any part of:

 

an intense and deep commitment to our love

 

where this occurs:

 

infidelity problems(from his part), lies,...... 2 months separation

Now I shall continue reading the rest of this thread

[Horse]

"I know it seems backwards to say commitment after an infidelity, but there are reasons which I cannot explain, but that justify his mistakes. Please believe me on that one...."

 

I'm curious, what could those reasons be? I have been tempted and I can think of situations where I would probably give in, but I can't think of any where infidelity would be justified, especially in a 9 month relationship.

 

My initial reaction is... Run. You don't have a good reason to get married and you have plenty of good reasons not to.

[SoleMate]

This is one of the scarier posts (from the OP) that I have read in a while. AND...I am wondering if the OP is so besotted she won't hear good advice when it's given.

 

Oh what the heck, go ahead, marry him, get pregnant right away, hand over your assets, believe his lies, true love will make it all come right because of the intense feelings you both have.......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NOT!!!!

[KonRyuu]

RUN! You owe this man, nor any of his relatives ANYTHING. It looks like you've already made your decision but have some doubts. Your decision is that you're going to marry him, but you want to make sure that other people feel the same, kind of an assurance issue. And then, when they tell you what you don't want to hear. You take the defensive on his part and start coming out with every excuse in the book NOT to leave him. This is something you may have to see a counselor about, I don't think that many of us here posess the knowledge nor ability to help you.

 

 

"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

 

It seems to me you're on the road for disaster if you stay with this guy. Infedility is the least of your issues. What if a child came into play, and then worse....abuse. Not only would you be abused, but also your child, maybe not physically, but mentally, which is much, much worse. I've seen relationships like this, they usually turn physical. Especially if you marry and he has a mistress on the side. A lot of murders happen that way. It's a scary thing.

 

You should let him go back to wherever the hell he's from, change your phone number, and get the hell outta there so he can't come back with a vengeance. Some men get wierd over things like this. Don't be afraid and let it get to you. Just tell him this........NO!....It's gonna be hard as hell for you, but you MUST do it. Don't worry, there's somebody better out there for you anyway, just waiting for you to end your current relationship to start a beautiful, HEALTHY, new one. Because what you have right now is NOT beautiful, NOR healthy.

 

Give up the pipe dream. Let Him Go. I promise you THIS will NOT work out, well it will, but for the worst. I'll let you decide from here. Good Luck and God Bless!

[MusicWoman]

He is struggling right now, because his dream has always been to find his love in America and marry, but his time is running out.

This right here you really need to think about. Because of all of your problems in your relationship that has only lasted nine months...you need to be sure hes not just using you, and guilting you into marrying him so he can stay in america forever. You need to make sure that once he has his citizenship hes not going to just up and leave you

 

How do you know if he is the ONE?

What if you make such a sacrifice then end up in a divorce and regret changing your life for him?

What if he is truly the one to make you happy for the rest of your life?

What if marriage is the only way to save him and keep the relationship?

What if you don't marry and he stays illegal and gets deported, what a weight on your conscious?

 

What would you do in my place?

 

You will know when he is the one; and you really need to think about that second question yourself.

 

You have more options than you think. Personally, I attend a school where over half of the students are international. Many of the Americans have married International students so they could stay here...although I have to admit its mostly the gay men marrying the women so they can stay:) I have a friend right now who was in your situation and decided to marry. It ended up not really working out after a month, but they are still married because all of the paperwork hasn't gone through...although recently they have started dating again..which is quite odd seeing as how they are already married. I'm just letting you know that these things do happen quite frequently, and if you decide to get married, just be sure you know its because you really are genuinly marrying the guy, or just helping him out because you love him.

 

DONT FEEL LIKE ITS YOUR PLACE, OR YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO HIM, TO MARRY HIM SO HE CAN STAY HERE. Its not, and its completely unfair of him to make you do something huge like this if your not willing. Don't blame yourself for this.

[MusicWoman]

okay i just read your previous posts...

 

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN

[Second-best]

I'd have to agree with a lot of the other ppl on this... my advice: don't stick around... huge flag: HE didnt ask you to marry him... what makes you so sure that's the right answer when HE hasnt even told you he wants to be with you????? It sounds like this guy is ready to walk all over you, because, even IF you told him to find a business marriage, if he truly loved you, he wouldnt (shouldnt) EVER agree to that... you deserve much better... just remember that you don't OWE him or his family annnything!

[Woggle]

Just tell him to stay here illegally. It's not like this country actually tracks down illegal immigrants.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

If his family is as wonderful as they say, why is he so concerned about leaving the US? How long til he can come back? Can you go visit him? Can you make a long distance relationship work?

 

Marriage isn't the answer here. You both need to take more time and learn more about each other.

[RecordProducer]

He is my first love.

I don't think you have the experience necessary to decide on whether he is the right one for you or not yet.

We've been through infidelity problems(from his part), lies, misunderstandings, fights, 2 months separation but also through an intense and deep commitment to our love...even after all the difficulties.

I know it seems backwards to say commitment after an infidelity, but there are reasons which I cannot explain, but that justify his mistakes. Please believe me on that one....and it's not just a woman in love talking

I would really like to hear all about the justification of his infidelity.

 

Our love is real and it has overcome many, many obstacles

. Real love with a cheater? Besides, whenever permanent residence in the US is involved, you can't be 100% that the love is real unless he has proven it to you somehow (other than kisses and love statements).

The problem here is that my bf came on a visa and now it is expiring. I love him, he loves me too but the only way to stay together is marriage.

You can pursue the finace visa for him which will allow him to stay for 90 days; if things are ok - you can get married, if not - he goes back.

I don't feel ready at ALL. Financially we are both unstable

If you do marry him, hopefully you won't make huge sacrifices like quit college or find ANY job just so you can support him.

On one hand I feel I could marry him and give him the opportunity of a lifetime to stay in America, and over time we will get to know each other better and who knows maybe live a very happy life.

This is true and perhaps would be the right thing to do hadn't he cheated on you in the past.

 

He is struggling right now, because his dream has always been to find his love in America and marry, but his time is running out.

If he really loves you, he will give you some more time, given that he hasn't represented himself in the best light so far. Here's what you can do: suggest that he is free to look for other girls from the US while dating you, but remain physically faithful, which means if he wants to be with another girl, he should let you know about. Tell him that you're not sure right now, because of all the problems you've had. Then see his reaction. If he runs to look for other girls - here's your answer about how true his love is. If he puts his profile on a dating site, you can even create a few fake profiles and see what he is doing exactly.

 

And I am struggling, because I feel his destiny is in my hands and the pressure is on me, I feel responsible for his life.

You are NOT responsible for his life whatsoever. You're only responsible for yours. Do whatever will make YOU happy, not him.

I suffer because I could give him the opportunity he wants but at the expense of my life and future

. You know what? Not only him, but you also don't sound like you're very much in love! If you had more experience, you would be able to figure this out yourself.

Its heartbreaking to see him worried about what will happen once the visa expires...

Is he worried about the two of you or him leaving the States?

 

How do you know if he is the ONE?

You don't. But you do know when he is NOT the one.

What if marriage is the only way to save him and keep the relationship?

Marriage - yes. Marriage right now - is not the only way.

What if you don't marry and he stays illegal and gets deported, what a weight on your conscious?

Then you will know that it was all about the US and not you so no regrets for you. You are not responsible if he stays illegally.

 

Just tell him to stay here illegally. It's not like this country actually tracks down illegal immigrants.

If he gets caught, you (or somebody else) will either have to marry him to help him out (and spend lots of money on immigrant lawyers) or he will be prohibited entrance to the US for good.

[Confused5433]

I truly appreciate all of your concerns and advice....

 

All of you are right....after much thinking, I realize that this guy is not worth my sacrifice. I recently discovered some things that he kept from me and that he's been liying about.(ie. emails, phone calls...etc) and who knows how much more.

 

Now, I wonder if all this relationship was a lie.... God No!!!

I still believe that we once really love each other, I know we did.

But with so many problems and lies, how can one possibly go on.

I feel so numb and mad at myself for not stopping this relationship before....but I was deeply and maddly in love with him.

 

BlueChocolate, thank you for pointing out my previous posts.

I never went back to read until last night....and it was like a slap in the face.. I had problems with him since October...and I didn't listen to all of the wonderful people in this forum...because I thought love can conquer all.

What a dumb cliche!!!

 

How can love make you this blind and stupid??

 

How can things end like this...I swear to all, that I was living a DREAM!!!

It was the best feeling of my life...but now....everything is turning sour, and my love for him is turning to disgust and hate. It was like I was in a bubble..and over the last couple of days and specially last night...POP!!

 

We haven't separated yet...but it is coming soon....Im tired of worrying for him. Im tired of feeling responsible for his life. Im tired of giving so much of myself. He doesn't deserve all of it, he doesn't even appreciate what Im going through for him. What is this???

He doesn't have a clue of how Im feeling right now. I don't want to see him, not specially after everything I found out last night.

And I was suffering sooooo much for him....what a waste of my time.

 

Right now I feel as if all men are the same...liars, cheaters and players.

I want to erase him from my memory. Im soo mad right now...I feel like slapping him...or maybe I should just vanish..not answer his calls...Nothing!!!

 

What do you all think???

 

Again thank you all for your great advice....

PS: Dont mean to offend the men in this forum....But why are men like that??? so inconsiderate....just venting

[RecordProducer]

I thought love can conquer all.

It can indeed... but only if it comes from both partners and is true and deep.

 

Do your other threads refer to this particular boyfriend? So the second time you saw him, he came to the US, he broke up with you and then slept with other girls and started dating one?

[justagirliegirl]

Im glad you are starting to see things as they really are.

 

He is desperate to stay in the states and it shows.

 

 

It sounds like the entire relationship has been flakey and all with the cheating. Taking the visa part out of it, that is no way to continue on with any relationship.

 

our citizenship is a valuable thing and some people will go to great dishonest lengths to get it.

[Confused5433]

Yes all the previous threads are about him. He didn't leave the States, he was just planning to leave and go through a business marriage with another girl. However, a couple of nights ago I found out that this girl was lied to...she didn't want a business, but believed that it was going to be a real marriage. I knew about her, but I thought it was business, and both agreed on that. I was still worried for him, but everything seemed to be fine.

He came back because the pressure was on to fulfill the real duties as a husband, so he told the truth about his feelings and didn't want to keep lying to this girl.

 

I saw him last night, and he is going to find his way to stay here and keep talking to girls and possibly stay illegal.

It's so strange now, I still have a small flame burning for him....but with all of these lies and problems it's starting to extinguish.

He told me that he can't promise he will be back because he doesn't know what the future holds. But that he really feel in love with me. Before he told me he would fight to come back to me, but now it's a different story. Coming back after 3yrs is just too much and after he gets his papers I think he wants to be free for a while. I understand, I know that we can't predict the future, I can die next month. BUt all I wanted to hear is that he had hope and faith to return to me....I don't know, something nice.

Maybe I'm just too much of a romantic.

 

Anyhow, I'm spending less and less time with him and waiting for the right time to finish this relationship. I want to see if in these days, he notices my discomfort with him and if he cares and does anything about it.

We'll see......

[michelangelo]

... for kicking this one back to the curb.

 

He doesn't love you. He has played you and even got you to the point of considering breaking the law by marrying him so he can live in the country.

 

Stop contact!

 

Move on and if you get involved with another person, do it out of mutual respect and love.

[uncool]

yeah i agree totally with some of the other posts. This is an easy one. You're not playing hard enough to get. I dated somebody like you once and it scared the hell out of me and I bailed. It's like free rent. You need to stop dreaming and start detaching your feelings and start chasing some other guys. If he sees that, then you might have your answer based on his reaction to that. You'll be able to tell if it's geniune or not. As long as your not engaged with a ring and wedding plans, he can do what he wants guilt free.

[Confused5433]

This is harder than I thought....

These last couple of days I have been feeling so detached from him. When I see him, I can't seem to be as affectionate or pay as much attention to him as I used to. We went out a couple of nights and got all cozy in the car, like usual, we made out and got very touchy/feely, but it was like my body was there but my head was somewhere else. My heart sitlll cares for him ALOT, but I think that the love I had for him is slowly dissipating. I even want to stop seeing him now. But this is hard...

 

He is changing, doing everything right, he even started to plan new dates, and wants to meet my friends......which of course it's a shocker because he never wanted to meet my friends before, he never cared. Now he changes...NOW Damn it!!!!....when my feelings for him are to worn out and all I want is to be left in peace and push him away.

 

I talked to him today, and he said how excited he was for us to be together...that he would become illegal, fight for us, and treat me the way he never did. He wants me to be his true wife and take care of me for the rest of our lives. He said, I can take all the time I needed for real marriage and that he even plans to have his own place for us. I comfronted him about how he always ignored me and never showed any type interest in my personal life. But now, he wants to be a part of it.

I don't know if he finally learned or what. I truly feel he is honest about his love for me, but my insides just want to push him away, for good.

 

Besides that, I have been reflecting on my life these last couple of months, and I realized I froze all my plans for grad school and I have been unemployed for months, because of all the emotional stress.

That is not his fault, but mine for being so naive and giving in 100% to love....for trying to live a dream and letting myself go. It was the most incredible experience of my life, but now I came back to earth....and the memories of the "Good Times" are slowly being erased...Instead I visualize all the negatives... Now, I realize it's time to STOP and work hard to regain those lost months. Subcounsiously I place the blame on him, and that's why I've started to feel disgust and pitty for him. Disgust for our troubled past and his lies and mistakes, and pitty because deep down I know this is truly ending, but he believes strongly it is a new beginning. He is like a child sometimes, and part of his mistakes are my fault because I let him walk all over me. Now, I can't take it anymore....Im starting to regret this relationship, which is the last thing I ever wanted to feel in the world. But now, things have gone to far and I don't know how to do, what I have to do.

 

I don't want to hurt his feelings...I do believe he loved me, and still does.

 

But how do you break up with someone just like that???

Its hard, I hate to hurt anyone feelings like that, specially when he is trying so hard to be a different man and treat me like a princess.

 

How should I do this???? Please help!!!

[tikigods]

Its going to be even harder each time you see him and allow yourself to get intiment with him.

Change doesn't happen over night, could it be that he feels like this is his last ditch effort in order to be with you? If he keeps

something like this up for more then a month then I would feel like he was really changing but over the course of a day no way.

Why would it take for him to be legal in order to treat you right? He is telling you everything that you would want to hear

in order for you to help HIM get into this country, he should have done this long before now, and you know it. I think he knows that he might miss a chance and he doesn't want to lose it

not cause he loves you, but because its an easy out for something he wants. Actions speak louder then words, and his actions have said VOLUMES

You need to give him up and get back on track, you should never ever ever give up your hopes and dreams for someone else, they should be

something that the two of you work on together. It still seems that after HE gets what he wants THEN he will give you what you want.

Is it fair for you to be hurt? Its time for you to grow a backbone and cut ALL contact with him, he doesn't love you. You know that

Time to move on.

[Confused5433]

Your absolutely right TikiGods...

This must end now...I won't be seeing him this whole weekend, but Monday I will finally break up with him. I will tell him to come over, give him back his stuff, and have a talk. That way there is no need for emails, txt messages, or calls after the break-up. I just want to move on, even if it is hard and painful to bear, specially during my alone time.

As far as a replacement...not going to happen any time soon. I know myself, I don't want to get into another relationship for a while. It drains so much of your time and life.

This is hard to do because he has been part of my life for 9 months...but now...

It must be done.

 

If anyone has any ideas as to how to break up with him? Please let me know.

Because right now I can't think, I feel too empty inside.