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boyfriend blues


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Old 14th February 2006, 7:54 PM   #1
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Unhappy boyfriend blues

I have been with my boyfriend for four years. He is wonderful in many ways. He is smart, driven, compassionate, loving and supportive. He is 26 and I am 28, we each have our own apartments, though we spend many days/nights together. He shares a flat with his roommate, and they are slobs. Their apartment is a disaster area, I would not even invite my family or friends to stop over. I am ashamed of the filth they live in. This has been an ongoing battle in our relationship, with little progress. Despite this, we do have a great time together, travel all over the globe and enjoy each other's company.

He has been in the process of applying for graduate schools and has been stressed because if he gets accepted, this means a big move for him. Or potentially for us both. We will find out in May if he is accepted.

Here is the problem, I support his education 100%, recognizing that it puts my life goals (marriage) on hold indefinately. I am secure in my job, could have the opportunity to move up in the company in the next year or so. I wondering what I should do if he is accepted at one of the schools far away? I am also upset that my closest friends are engaged and getting married and I have been with Ethan the longest and have the best relationship out of the lot. I feel hopeless that my life will ever take a step forward. I am at the end of my rope with this. not sure which direction to go. moving is a huge sacrifice, especially without commitment. he says its sad that i need a ring for commitment. ugh!

comments?
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Old 14th February 2006, 8:00 PM   #2
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Think about it!

Quote:
Originally Posted by boston78
he says its sad that i need a ring for commitment. ugh!
Perhaps for him!
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Old 14th February 2006, 8:26 PM   #3
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Oh how important that ring is to women.
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Old 14th February 2006, 9:42 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by boston78
He shares a flat with his roommate, and they are slobs.
OK, so you know that when you live together you will do all the house work, because he won't bother. You can almost be certain.

Quote:
Originally Posted by boston78
Here is the problem, I support his education 100%, recognizing that it puts my life goals (marriage) on hold indefinately.
Marriage, job, kids... many things. Graduate school is quite a commitment. First of, you should know that his stipend will be low: usually around $1200/month, so you will have to live modestly. Plus, there is no retirement plan, just some basic medical insurance. Often he will be gone on conferences (just up to a week) and research visits (sometimes two, three months). He will work in the evenings and over the weekends. The good thing is when needed he will be free to be home any time, because graduate students don't have strict work hours. Graduate studies (PhD) usually take 5 years.

Last edited by Presario; 14th February 2006 at 9:50 PM..
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Old 14th February 2006, 10:49 PM   #5
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Quote:
he says its sad that i need a ring for commitment
Gosh, that's mean. Your heartfelt desire should never be called "sad" by someone who claims to love you.

I've been in your shoes - making the decision about jobs, grad school, and moving. The answer is, if you two are committed to a life together, then you will make this decision jointly, for both of you. In mosts cases, thinking people will decide that a 5 year separation from their life partner is unendurable, and will modify plans so they can stay together. There is ALWAYS an alternative that will permit this.

If one or both is not thinking lifetime commitment, then decisions will be made that don't put the strength of the r/s front and center. That will help both people see that the r/s is not a #1 priority.
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Old 15th February 2006, 8:18 AM   #6
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If you have a budding career with the chance to 'move up', why not focus on that?

I realize you love this man, but he does not seem committed to the idea of marriage right now.

I'm not a big marriage proponent myself, but if it's important to YOU....and it's not a priority for him, then I'd gently suggest the two of you seperate for a time and see where your feelings lead you.

If after moving, he realizes he is lost without you...believe me, you will hear it from him.

If he asks you to move where he is, reiterate that you will not disrupt your own career unless you are certain that the two of you are engaged.

Again, I am not the biggest fan of marriage. But if that's your goal, you have to give him the fish-or-cut-bait option.

And he should realize that your career is just as important as his.

And please...do not measure your own relationship progress based on what others are doing. You said you 'feel sad' because other friends of yours are getting married.

I think one of the worst reasons to get married is because 'well, that's what you do' or because 'all my friends are doing it and I feel left out'

Realize that about 50% of those marriages will fail within ten years or so.
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Old 15th February 2006, 8:55 PM   #7
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I know grad school will only be 2 years for him, but it will be 2 years of hell. 12 hour days, 6 days a week. If I move with him, we won't be able to spend much time together anyway. I think I'll have to take a giant step backward. Lay off harping about the cleaning, make him come to my place more, and not speak about marriage until he either 1. gets into grad school or 2. if ne doesn't get into grad school then maybe in the late summer we will revisit living together. thoughts?
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