ThumbingMyWay Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 hello everybody, new year and a new attitude I asked my wife what are the most important things I need to overcome/what things are you NOT attracted too? What do I need to do to make this marriage work? She said: Jealousy, Neediness and Negative thinking and talking about IT (the affair) everyday. So I have been thinking about these things. My Jealousy because she is ALWAYS getting talked to and looked at by other men, but that is a trust issue also. Neediness because I am very dependent on her for my happiness. Negative thinking because of my insecurities and low self esteem. And not talking about IT, letting go completely. These issues have always been with me, but her affair brought them front and center. I think all of these go hand in hand and intertwine with each other. So, its been almost a year since D-day 2. I know exactly what I need to do, but actually doing it is the hard part. Keep finding myself going back and forth. My goal, as always was to improve ME. So with the new year, I am making a commitment to ME for a while. High self esteem and confidence is what I am going to get at the end. The break was nice, but LS is to helpful to me, so here I am again. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 I asked my wife what are the most important things I need to overcome/what things are you NOT attracted too? What do I need to do to make this marriage work? well TMW it hurts me to say this but you could start by not asking the wife the above question(s). Why do you need validiation from her. Instead you should tell her what she needs to do to make you happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted February 6, 2006 Author Share Posted February 6, 2006 well TMW it hurts me to say this but you could start by not asking the wife the above question(s). Why do you need validiation from her. Instead you should tell her what she needs to do to make you happy. very good point, and this very thing came up in the same conversation. I told her I feel like I am the one who needs to change to make her happy. But why cant she just accept me the way I am? She understood and knows she too has to change, mostly curb her selfishness and let me back in completely. The truth is Alpha, I NEED to change these things, not only for her, but for me. I need to become more confident. As you always say, women love confident men, and that I am not, I admit it and own it. In a sense I need to become an alpha-male of sorts. More confident and not needy. When I first came here, I thought you were a crock with your somewhat arrogant attitude. But over time and alot of reading and talking alot with my wife and other women, a little arrogance, confidence and asseriveness IS what is attractive. So I need to find the happy medium so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 Have you tried CBT? It's supposed to be excellent for changing negative thinking and building self esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted February 6, 2006 Author Share Posted February 6, 2006 Have you tried CBT? It's supposed to be excellent for changing negative thinking and building self esteem. CBT? cognitive breath therapy? ???? Link to post Share on other sites
kitten chick Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 CBT? cognitive breath therapy? ???? Cognitive behavioral therapy. It's supposed to change the way you think, making your irrational thoughts seem irrational to you. It analyzes the different ways you classify your thoughts and think negatively. I can PM you some resourses. Regardless, I'm glad to see that you and your wife are still trying to work things out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted February 6, 2006 Author Share Posted February 6, 2006 Cognitive behavioral therapy. It's supposed to change the way you think, making your irrational thoughts seem irrational to you. It analyzes the different ways you classify your thoughts and think negatively. I can PM you some resourses. Regardless, I'm glad to see that you and your wife are still trying to work things out. breath is what came to mind first cause i did a breath work session in counseling once, basically, meditation and breathing techniques to relieve anxiety. But yes, please PM what you have Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 The truth is Alpha, I NEED to change these things, not only for her, but for me. I need to become more confident. As you always say, women love confident men, and that I am not, I admit it and own it. In a sense I need to become an alpha-male of sorts. More confident and not needy. When I first came here, I thought you were a crock with your somewhat arrogant attitude. But over time and alot of reading and talking alot with my wife and other women, a little arrogance, confidence and asseriveness IS what is attractive. OK here is your homework assignment.....read the Alphamale's guide to keeping women around thread at the link below. read it all, from 1st post to last post and then we can talk at length once your done... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t61606/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted February 6, 2006 Author Share Posted February 6, 2006 OK here is your homework assignment.....read the Alphamale's guide to keeping women around thread at the link below. read it all, from 1st post to last post and then we can talk at length once your done... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t61606/ your on. watch for PM soon, this week sometime Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 Welcome back Thumbs. Sorry that you're posting again but I'm glad you're here asking for help. KC has brought up an excellent idea. The CBT. I am currently still doing CBT for my anxiety disorder, and her suggestion is a good one because the CBT WILL change your way of thinking, processing and handling things in your life. You will learn how to think more positively, to control those negative thoughts and not let them become an issue. For self confidence building: 1)Do 3 lists. -a)Write out ALL the good things you love about you. -b)Write out ALL your accomplishments in life (could be awards, a promotion at work etc...) 3)Write out ALL the good things in your life. IE: Your strength, your wife, your children...etc... 2) Each list should be atleast one full page long. Photocopy all 3 lists and stick them in everyroom in the house (Yes, I know this sounds stupid, but trust me on this one!) so that way IF you start to feel negative, sad, feel self doubt or jealously, STOP and read the lists. This will help YOU feel better about YOU. Eventually with this exercise, you will have learned how to bring yourself out of a funk on your own, from within without having to rely on your wife. 3) Another thing is, pick 3 of your closest friends and/or family. (4 including your wife.) Get each friend/family to write out 10 things they LOVE and ADORE about you. Keep one copy with you in your pocket. Read when you're feeling low... And for yourself, find a passion/bobby and join a group. Whether it be shooting pool once a week or going out with the boys, going swimming, or playing hockey - YOU need "you" time as well. Just because you're a husband, a father and a worker, don't forget about "Thumbs" as your own person. Hope this helps my dear. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 find a passion/bobby OOPS, that is supposed to say passion/HOBBY, not bobby. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ThumbingMyWay Posted February 6, 2006 Author Share Posted February 6, 2006 And for yourself, find a passion/bobby and join a group. huh?...my twisted mind thought you meant to find passion in boobies and join a swingers group. thanks WWIU, i will keep in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 I forgot that you have a sick and twisted mind too! Ah well, I left my typo in on purpose anyway cuz it read weird...Atleast that got you laughing! Hehehe...Boobies and swingers. (Actually, when I read it, bobby to me, was like a british policeman! Don't ask...) LOL! Link to post Share on other sites
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