anxious partner

[milkman]

hi,

 

i have been with my partner for 10 years and have been married for 6 years. We have a 2 year old and another baby on the way. in many ways the relationship is strong but our sex life is a problem. i'm starting to believe this won't be fixed as it seems to come down to a difference in personalities and may end in divorce.

 

we are differnt people. i am laid back and tend not to worry about things and she sees me as an unpassionate person. i am not perfect but try to be supportive, talk and affectionate. she worries a lot about everything, is not confident physically and has suffered from depression. this has been the case since i have know her to different degrees. maybe it is worse now because she is pregnant.

 

we have been married for 6 years now. it started probably a year or so before that. i think i put it aside at the time. she will be more relaxed when she gets a less stressful job, when we move to a bigger place..., she will be more relaxed when she has a family. holidays are great and we have good sex but the usual pattern is i try to cuddle her and kiss her in bed and she pulls away. i feel rejected and we go for weeks or months without sex. she saysshe feels uncomfortable, can't relax and just sees me as a best friend.

 

it starts to effect the relationship as we are both frustrated sexually. it is difficult to be confident and dominant when you are always rejected or know the other person would rather go to sleep so the cycle continues.

 

does anyone have any helpful advise or has anyone been in a simialr situation? i would like to make her more confident and happy but don't know if this is realistic.

[JadeStar]

I would say that her hormones because shes pregant may play a big role in this, however you stated she started feeling this way about a year ago. Its ok shes different from you, on some things, we are all individuals. If this is something that really bothers you, then I suggest you sit down with her and have a good talk. Communicate to her how you're feeling. You already stated you all have one child and another on the way. It can be tough or stressful on a mother/womans body to take care of one child and going through what she is to have another. Its possible she feels unappreciated etc. Talk with her, and perhaps seek some marriage counseling as well. Maybe that will be helpful to you both.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[milkmanbook]

thanks for the reply. i guess it is helpful to write down the problem and is kind of cathartic.

 

i think we have talked about it a lot. maybe too much. i know she doesn't want to see a marriage councellor and i'm not sure i do either as we can both see and talk about the problem. at the moment i must make the best of it as i love my kid and want to give them both security. i do take on a lot of the responsibility and am not sure what else i can do.

 

part of me is torn between believing i could be happier or more appreciated elsewhere and the other side is that i am obliged to try and make it work as that would make everyone, including the children, happiest.

[milkman]

thanks for the reply. i guess it is helpful to write down the problem and is kind of cathartic.

 

i think we have talked about it a lot. maybe too much. i know she doesn't want to see a marriage councellor and i'm not sure i do either as we can both see and talk about the problem. at the moment i must make the best of it as i love my kid and want to give them both security. i do take on a lot of the responsibility and am not sure what else i can do.

 

part of me is torn between believing i could be happier or more appreciated elsewhere and the other side is that i am obliged to try and make it work as that would make everyone, including the children, happiest.

[newbby]

if you are seriously not happy, you need to sort it one way or another. otherwise you are in danger of having an affair, which would be far worse.

[JadeStar]

Its good that you say you both can see the problem and talk about it. However, sometimes having a third party such as a councelor can help. They can also help to bring things to the surface that sometimes we didn't even know was there. If this cycle continues, at some point it will need to be broken. Please continue to talk with her, but also consider a counselor to maybe help and give their input on things as well.

 

 

 

Jade

[milkman]

cheers again.

 

i won't have an affair - we can either make it work or we can't and i wouldn't put someone through that.

 

i take the point about a councellor and will consider this. i guess i am just seeing if anyone else has been in this position. if it is a cycle brought about by pregnancy and motherhood i know there may be a change in outlook down the line. if it is more of a deep seated problem then we need to work out what to do.

 

cheers

[newbby]

cheers again.

 

i won't have an affair - we can either make it work or we can't and i wouldn't put someone through that.

 

i take the point about a councellor and will consider this. i guess i am just seeing if anyone else has been in this position. if it is a cycle brought about by pregnancy and motherhood i know there may be a change in outlook down the line. if it is more of a deep seated problem then we need to work out what to do.

 

cheers

 

what does she think it is? you say you have discussed this alot, what did she say about it?

[milkman]

she would like me to be more romantic, more spontaneous, more confident. i know these things are important and want to be these things.

 

i try to arrange to go out (not easy with kids and little money), cook, pick flowers. little things just to show i'm interested. sometimes i don't do it as much as i should as i have work to do etc.

 

i say i need some interest to be shown in me as i can't fix it all by myself. however, she doesn't want to cuddle or kiss so it is hard to be confident.

[newbby]

so you are relying on her to make you feel sexually confident? and she is relying on you to make her feel sexually comfortable?

[dgiirl]

I've replied to your first post in the divorce section, but I'll follow this thread since you'll probably get more feedback here.

 

however, she doesn't want to cuddle or kiss so it is hard to be confident.

 

My guess is she's feeling that you cuddling and kissing will automatically lead to sex so that's why she's pushing you away? She needs to feel that sex is not an issue and that it's close intimacy that you want instead. When she doesnt feel expected to perform sex she might be able to relax and might get interested. I think it's hard for women to want sex if they dont feel the intimacy connection. We need to feel desired more for ourselves than just sex. I think the first step would be to try to build up that connection again. Do you guys have heart to heart talks about life, your fears, your desires of life? Does she feel valued as a person by you? If she was in a serious accident and couldnt have sex anymore, would this still be an issue? I'm not saying you should give up on having sex, but maybe think about all the things you would do if she was in a serious accident, how would you bring the two of you together?

[newbby]

excellent post digirl!

yes, it may have become such a big thing to you, that she feels as though thats all you want.

[Lil Honey]

Dgiirl: Very good points.

 

Milkman: Women need to feel valued. Although men think sex is valuable in itself, women need to feel important and loved in order to have sex. When a man cuddles to us, past experience tells us he wants sex and that's the only reason he is cuddling. IOW, he isn't cuddling to show affection, but to get something. We want and need to feel like more than a sex object.

 

Do the two of you have a hobby or home project that you can do together? I highly recommend finding something that you can do together as a team effort. That will allow each of you to see how important the other is in a non-sexual manner.

 

And I suggest counseling, as Jade suggested. Not only are you dealing with a new family situation (kids generally put a strain on a relationship) but you are also entering the "seven-year-itch" phase . . .

[magda]

It takes a long time to get the sex drive back after pregnancy. A lot of women lose it completely during pregnancy and breastfeeding. I say a little patience might be appreciated.