Cohabitation - What do I tell my parents/pastor?

[stitchie21]

I am engaged to be married next year, and still live with my parents. I am a 26 year old female. My fiance is 25 and has his own apartment (that I currently stay at around 90% of the time). We recently found a wonderful duplex that we are going to get an amazing deal on. We sign the papers for it this Thursday, and plan to move in on/around March 1st. Here is the dilema I am faced with...

 

My parents are super conservative, and are completely against living together before marriage, engaged or not. I haven't told them yet that we are going to move in together before we are married next year. I am petrified. I know, I am 26 and shouldn't still be afraid of my parents, but I am - but you know what, the thing is I'm not so sure it is so much fear, but actually just knowing that I will be dissapointing them by doing this. I know what they will say, "Why would you do this when you could be saving money at home here, you know how we feel about this, what will your grandparents say." I know, I am a people pleaser, always have been.

 

I am also afraid to see what my Pastor is going to say about this whole thing - I am Lutheran (Wisconsin Synod) and they don't accept cohabitation. What if he won't marry us, I would be so devastated.

 

This is a time in my life when I should be so excited for my future with my husband to be, but I am stressed, afraid, and confused. I need some advice, any advice as to how to tell my parents, how to get through this, and how to stay sane. My fiance has been wonderful by the way, and is going to be with me when I tell them.

 

Please help!

[bluechocolate]

You currently stay there 90% of the time. You are practically living together already. What do they have to say about that?

 

Just tell them you're filling in on the 10%.

 

I am also afraid to see what my Pastor is going to say about this whole thing....

 

I don't really see that it is any of his business.

 

....just knowing that I will be disappointing them by doing this.

 

That's their issue, not yours. Again, you already stay there 90% of the time, I really don't see how much more difference it makes to fill in that extra 10%.

 

Personally I'm finding it rather difficult to offer you any advice. You're 26 years old & engaged to be married. It's time to start living your own life. If you don't have a problem with living together before marriage then I see no reason why you have to justify that decision to anybody, be they parents, grandparents or pastor.

[slubberdegullion]

It's good to see that you and your man will be going together to break this news to them. You're stronger together than you are apart.

 

Is your parents' love for their religion stronger than their love for their daughter? Probably not. While they may not approve of the cohabitation, they raised their daughter to be a smart, strong and independent woman.

 

You will not be disappointing them by doing this, because they raised you well. Oh, they may give you the whole "what will granny think" speech, and that's fine because that's the way they think and no one should argue with that.

 

But the fact is that you are an adult, your man is an adult, you've made a very big decision about your lifestyle and I have no doubt that once the dust has cleared, your folks will support you as loving parents should.

 

The pastor may be a different story, but the context is the same. Is it worth disillusioning a young couple because of religious intolerance about cohabitation? After all, according to the church, we're all sinners. If only the sin-free could attend church or get married by a pastor, he'd be out of a job pretty quick.

 

So be strong, unapologetic and respectful of your pastor and parents, but live your life the way you choose to live it, not based on the opinions of others.

 

Good luck!

[JadeStar]

My husband and I lived together before we got married. Been together for 13 years married 10. I can relate in a way that you feel a little nervous about telling your folks. I was the same way. I had already been aprroved for 2 apartments when my hubby (then b/f) asked if I wanted to rent a house and move in together. I remember telling my folks and thought you know what I'm just gonna tell them the best way I know how. I worked, had money etc, I was grown big deal what they thought.

 

I told them about renting a house and moving in together. I also told them they could call it living in sin, shacking up etc, but it was going to happen, and wanted to see if it was worth a shot to live with him. It went better than I thought. Also, you need not be worried really what your pastor may or may not think. If he doesn't approve, thats passing judgement, and thats just as wrong. My pastor didn't have a problem with it and he still married us. Sometimes you have to do what you feel is best for you and your situation, and can not always be worried about what others think/say. You can't live for others.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[bab]

I agree with what the others have to say about living your life for yourself. On the other hand, I'm curious if it's really just your parents/pastor you are worried about. My main question is, how do you feel about it? Do you feel confident it is what you want to do? This could be a source of the anxiety as well.

 

If it turns out that it is really a problem for you (not them), you could always get married quickly and have the big ceremony later.

 

I know of pastors that wouldn't marry people that were sexually active. And as bashed as they will get on this site, it is in their right. (I live with my fiance, so I don't agree with it, but respect it.) You have to talk to your pastor about it. He will probably be easier to talk to than you expect. They deal with this kind of thing all the time, and pastors aren't generally harsh people.

 

Good luck to you!