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My wife can't deal with ANY of my family.


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Old 6th January 2006, 3:42 PM   #1
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My wife can't deal with ANY of my family.

My wife can't deal with ANY of my family.
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The beauty of the soul shines out when a man bears with composure one heavy mischance after another, not because he does not feel them, but because he is a man of high and heroic temper.
- Aristotle
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Old 8th January 2006, 3:28 PM   #2
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you aren't giving enough detail

Are you just making a statement? Not much to respond to here.
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Old 9th January 2006, 5:25 PM   #3
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It's a link to the actual thread. Click on it.
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Old 10th January 2006, 10:35 AM   #4
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Quote:
I supported my wife on a decision to go with the insurance company she wanted when we got married. My mother, the insurance agent I currently had, was hurt by this and threw a fit. This caused an argument that quickly grew to epidemic proportions and me being disowned. I got us all into mediation with less than stellar results, but at least a workable relationship.
What was your wife's reasoning for changing insurance companies? Did another company have a lower rate and you were strapped for money? Or did she just want to do things HER way? You agreed to change companies, but on what basis?

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Now, they want to mend things and my wife resisted it.
WHY?

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She allowed they could come over every two weeks to visit and that I could visit them there when I picked up my son on visitation weekends.
She allowed? ? ? ? So, she tells YOU when YOUR parents can visit YOU at YOUR home? She gave you permission to visit them when you pick up your son? My, how big of her . . . And here I thought marriage was a partnership.

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My wife didn't want to go over there for the holidays and this caused another fight in the already tenuous relationship I just built back with my parents.
So, your wife couldn't possibly spend a couple hours with your family? Did you go to see your family without her?

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I've given up my family for the sake of my marriage.
I don't understand why. When two people marry, they also marry the other's family.

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My brothers wife, and him to a lesser extent, acted very badly, so they're out too!
According to you - or her? Hasn't your wife acted badly as well?

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MY wife found this a hideous arrangement and wanted to go to a traditional arrangement.
I don't think it was any of her business. Your arrangements for child support is between you and your ex.

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Now, during this stressful time, my wife posted on a child custody site. My ex found it and used it against her in court. The posts weren't anything terrible, mostly venting, but it certainly didn't put my wife in a good light. These posts wound up being one of three reasons I lost custody.
This sounds like someone planned this. I think one woman knew that the other visited a particular site and used it against you. I say this because it seems like too much of a conincidence for them to just show up on the same site when there must be a lot of similar sites. What are the odds? And it's only smart to remain somewhat anonymous. I'd be suspicious.

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Afterward, my ex wife used the posts to sue my wife for defamation. The lawsuit is ongoing and so far a complete failure, but it still costs money and time.
I don't know how it can be defamation if your ex was not named on the site. If she was, then your wife has some 'splainin' to do.

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Even now, she won't hold her tongue around my son about his mother
She needs to be told to keep her mouth shut! It is not her place to talk about your son's mother. All your wife's big mouth does is make HER look bad.

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My son does subtle things to irritate her, like drawing a picture of a black cats head with a dagger through it and leaving it out where she can find it (My wife owns a black cat) to retaliate.
Although this is pretty weird, I can understand it, coming from a 13 year old. He has learned how to push her buttons. Teenagers are good at that, but he needs to be told why he shouldn't do things like that. Scaring her only makes things worse for your relationship with him.

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My wife, of course, only makes matters worse by being ever more restictive and aloof with him when he's over and making more off-hand comments. It's positively juvenile and I've said as much.
So she needs to be told that she's only making things worse. It hardly seems that she's trying to make it better.

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I keep punishing my son and trying to talk a little love and understanding into my wife hoping they'll get along like they did at first, but it keeps getting worse.
This sounds more like two siblings blaming each other so that the parent will punish the other one, in order to "get one up."

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At this point, she's convinced he'll get into some kind of malicious mischief if he comes over.
Takes one to know one.

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She basically want's me to start not letting him come over because she doesn't want to live in constant suspicion and fear of him.
So she's alienated you from your family and now she's alienating you from your son.

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he's constantly being punished lately, he's bored and unhappy, so he doesn't want to be there anyway.
Do you know what this does? This makes him feel that you are listening to her and not him, that you believe her and not him. Okay, I've had a couple teens myself. They like to stretch the truth and sometimes don't know what the truth really is. But let's face it, she has arranged to keep you from everyone that is important to you.

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Do I cut back on his visits and tell him it's because he's not acting right?
NO! He needs you. If the love you have for your son is unconditional, then don't put conditions on it.

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I've already had talks with him on stuff like this. He plays innocent or plays dumb. It took him a great deal of discomfort to get him to admit to taking the jewelry and why. Even when he was caught red handed he denied it all!
That's what having a teen is like, sometimes.

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Do I need to get tougher with him or show more love and understanding?
I think you need to spend more time with him - without your wife's mouth firing off in the background.

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Honestly, I'm thinking he needs to get some consequences to show him that if you look for trouble, don't be surprised when you find it.
Everyone should know about responsibility and consequences. That includes the adults involved.

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At the same time, I sympathize this whole side of his family is a complete mess and he can probably pin it all too easily on my wife, who seems to find herself the constant center of controversy.
Maybe it IS easy for him to blame your wife, but she can make her life easier by stepping back and giving everyone breathing room.

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The problem with disciplining children on visitation is the constant underlying fear that they simply won't want to come back and the custodial parent will support that decision.
Then you need to sit down with your ex and discuss discipline so that it is the same in both households, so that it is consistant for your son, so that he can expect to be held accountantable no matter which parent's house he is in.

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Everyone from my family seems to be working against my marriage directly or carried along by the waves from the fight. My son is the last one and I really loathe to alienate him, but between these problems and the fact that my parents cause constant stress, my wife seems about ready to call it quits . . . I've stood up and been disowned by my parents, now I stand to lose my son as well.
Take things one priority at a time. Your son is 13, so you need protect your relationship with him. The others are adults, work on that second. It is very difficult to repair damage between a spouse and family. Everyone involved needs to want to make changes and I'm not so sure these people do.

It seems to me that everyone does everything they possibly can to control you. One person will do something to get a reaction out of you and someone else does something else to get a reaction out of you. It's like the Who-Can-Get-A-Bigger-Reaction-From-Kenyth Show.

You need to sit down and have several talks - with your ex, with your wife, with your son and with your family. You need to spend time with your son, wife and family - even if they don't get along. I highly suggest counseling for you and your wife and maybe even some appointments that include your son. You need to tell these people what YOU want, because it seems that you are trying to please everyone and no one is happy, including you.
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Old 10th January 2006, 12:08 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
What was your wife's reasoning for changing insurance companies? Did another company have a lower rate and you were strapped for money? Or did she just want to do things HER way? You agreed to change companies, but on what basis?.
She worked many years for an insurance company and has always had their insurance. Though she doesn't work for them any longer, her agent was a coworker. They are also much more reasonable in their rates.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
She allowed? ? ? ? So, she tells YOU when YOUR parents can visit YOU at YOUR home? .
Actually, this isn't as bad as it sounds. I talked to her about it. I mean she lives there too. They could visit weekly if they wished. They were treated just fine while visiting, but they decided to start fighting again because it wasn't good enough. We had to start going to their house and it had only been a couple months since mediation. They have no patience.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
She gave you permission to visit them when you pick up your son? My, how big of her . . . And here I thought marriage was a partnership. .
I gave the wrong impression here. I meant that there wasn't a problem with it. She won't let me take the baby over though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
So, your wife couldn't possibly spend a couple hours with your family? Did you go to see your family without her?.
My wife had already made plans for herself and the baby that filled the entire holiday. That's not to say we couldn't go over. Just that she didn't want to. I was going to go, but my parents started the big fight up again because my wife and the baby weren't coming, so I didn't.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
I don't understand why. When two people marry, they also marry the other's family.

According to you - or her? Hasn't your wife acted badly as well?.
My brothers wife made a huge scene in a public place when my brother agreed to stand in my wedding because she decided she didn't like my wife. My family came 40 minutes late to the wedding, which threw the whole photo schedule off. My brother came to my wedding after taking a couple pain killers. After a couple drinks at the reception, he did something that I'd rather not mention publicly. Though it didn't cause any harm it was embarassing. I'll PM you with the details if you want.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
I don't think it was any of her business. Your arrangements for child support is between you and your ex-wife..
It may be true, but I don't know of many spouses that think this way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
This sounds like someone planned this. I think one woman knew that the other visited a particular site and used it against you. I say this because it seems like too much of a conincidence for them to just show up on the same site when there must be a lot of similar sites. What are the odds? And it's only smart to remain somewhat anonymous. I'd be suspicious..
Possibly, but there are surprisingly few sites dedicated to Indiana child custody and this was the biggest one. Her lawyer instructed her to frequent them to look for stuff. It's not that hard to find if you're looking for it and have a little tenacity.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
I don't know how it can be defamation if your ex was not named on the site. If she was, then your wife has some 'splainin' to do..
It's not, but she can still try to sue for it. Since my wife made the posts from work, they were hoping for a settlement from the business. Needless to say, they didn't bite and so far the lawsuit is dead because they won't show for the depositions. It still costs money, time and embarrassment.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
She needs to be told to keep her mouth shut! It is not her place to talk about your son's mother. All your wife's big mouth does is make HER look bad. .
Agreed. I make a point of saying it to her also. It doesn't seemj to get me anywhere. She does have good reason to loathe my ex, but this accomplishes nothing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
Although this is pretty weird, I can understand it, coming from a 13 year old. He has learned how to push her buttons. Teenagers are good at that, but he needs to be told why he shouldn't do things like that. Scaring her only makes things worse for your relationship with him..
Sounds like what I was thinking. He's pretty subtle. The drawing is made like those skull and dagger tattoos, but with a cats head. No blood or gore. It's just enough to push her buttons. He also did one with a dogs head, but he didn't leave that one out. I also told him to keep the other one put away and take it home, but he left it displayed anyway. That's why I'm sure he did it to irritate her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
So she needs to be told that she's only making things worse. It hardly seems that she's trying to make it better.
Agreed. Her only answer is to not see people who piss her off anymore.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
This sounds more like two siblings blaming each other so that the parent will punish the other one, in order to "get one up." .
Never thought of it that way.







Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
Takes one to know one.

So she's alienated you from your family and now she's alienating you from your son.

Do you know what this does? This makes him feel that you are listening to her and not him, that you believe her and not him. Okay, I've had a couple teens myself. They like to stretch the truth and sometimes don't know what the truth really is. But let's face it, she has arranged to keep you from everyone that is important to you..
That's the way it's looking. She want's to be the only important one it seems.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
NO! He needs you. If the love you have for your son is unconditional, then don't put conditions on it.

That's what having a teen is like, sometimes.

I think you need to spend more time with him - without your wife's mouth firing off in the background..





Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
Everyone should know about responsibility and consequences. That includes the adults involved.

Maybe it IS easy for him to blame your wife, but she can make her life easier by stepping back and giving everyone breathing room.


Then you need to sit down with your ex and discuss discipline so that it is the same in both households, so that it is consistant for your son, so that he can expect to be held accountantable no matter which parent's house he is in..
This would be tough. After all the lawsuits, talking to my ex is sure to provoke a terrible fight with my wife.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
Take things one priority at a time. Your son is 13, so you need protect your relationship with him. The others are adults, work on that second. It is very difficult to repair damage between a spouse and family. Everyone involved needs to want to make changes and I'm not so sure these people do. .



Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
Here's the big problem.


It seems to me that everyone does everything they possibly can to control you. One person will do something to get a reaction out of you and someone else does something else to get a reaction out of you. It's like the Who-Can-Get-A-Bigger-Reaction-From-Kenyth Show..
Could be. Like I said before. I feel like I'm surrounded by crazy people sometimes. It makes me wonder if I'M the one who's nuts. If I'm forced to divorce again, I will have to be careful. I will have to pick someone with a lot more patience. I'm real easy to get along with. I think that works against me sometimes. The various people in my life don't get along with each other.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Lil Honey
You need to sit down and have several talks - with your ex, with your wife, with your son and with your family. You need to spend time with your son, wife and family - even if they don't get along. I highly suggest counseling for you and your wife and maybe even some appointments that include your son. You need to tell these people what YOU want, because it seems that you are trying to please everyone and no one is happy, including you.


Been to counseling already. It seems to slowly degrade after we stop going. I'll start again. We'll see if she wants to go.
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Old 10th January 2006, 12:53 PM   #6
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I can now understand why your wife doesn't think highly of your family, if they were late for your wedding. That's pretty darned disrespectful.

Like I said, it's difficult to get a family and an in-law to come to terms and actually get along with each other. I have had my own issues with my ex's family. (For example, they would drive right by our house to visit other family members and never stop to visit. They would also have family get-togethers and not invite us - or even just him. The thing is, neither of us were aware of any issue they had with us. Go figure.)

If I were in your shoes, I would go to each person, explain to them that you love them and that you want to get along, but you can't force everyone to like each other. I would also tell each person that I will not be forced to take sides. If you can't get folks to see eye-to-eye, then you need to make it clear to your wife that you will still see your family without her and make it clear to your family that you are your own family with your wife and child. (I do think that you have every right to take your youngest child to see his/her grandparents. I think that is a relationship that needs to be cultivated.)

You are still your own person, whether you are married or not. Your family is part of you, they are the people who would be there for you if you needed help. God forbid, something happens to your wife, but if something did, your family would step in to help care for your child. Who would you turn to if your marriage soured? Your family. Your wife may/may not have disowned her own family, but she has no right to keep you for yours.

If your family was disrespectful at your wedding, that is no reason for her to sink to their level. Of course, it might help if you could tweak out an apology to her from them.

As far as the child support issue being a spouse's business, you are right. Most second spouses do make it their business, because it's part of the family expenses that have to be considered. BUT, what you had agreed on with your ex was fine, until your wife butted in. Then it got worse.

Maybe I'm in the minority here (I usually am), but I don't even want to get involved in my man's arrangements with his ex about child support. That was all in place before I came along and as long as they are civil to each other, I see no point in rocking the boat. Personally, I think getting along with an ex avoids one less hassle to deal with. (Unless one enjoys drama.)

Last edited by Lil Honey; 10th January 2006 at 12:58 PM..
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Old 11th January 2006, 10:51 AM   #7
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Boy, this is great. Another fight last night. After I bring her home a dozen roses to boot.

"Do you think this fixes anything?" is the thanks I get.

She refuses to take responsibility for anything or even consider that a change in her behavior might be beneficial. She says I'm blaming everything on her, is furious I could dare, and says that I'm an a$$. I try and tell her I'm not blaming "everything" on her. I'm just giving her partial responsibility. That's apparently not an option. It's black or white. She has no ideas on how to make things better that she'll share with me. I suggest counseling and she thinks my son should go, but not her. In other words, "no". I ask if she'll accept a professional opinion on his state of mind and whether she should feel threatened. She won't answer that one, which pretty much means "no", but she doesn't want to admit it.

She doesn't want to split up now for "financial" reasons. I'm still trying to figure out if this is a temper tantrum or the real deal. I also think, "Does it really matter?"

If it wasn't for my beautiful 6 month old baby boy, whom I love dearly and is a joy, I'd already have left. The thought of not being able to spend time with him every day during this precious time in his life is too much to bear.

Last edited by Kenyth; 11th January 2006 at 10:54 AM..
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Old 15th February 2006, 7:07 PM   #8
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Boy, this is a roller coaster ride. It's been since October that my son took the earrings and hid them. The suspicion and avoidance are terrible. My wife simply spends the day shopping with her mom while my son visits. Frankly, this isn't the worst thing in the world for me. A little peace and quiet every two weeks. I don't know if this actually accomplishes anything though.

When he's here, she demands the baby sleep with us. Every little thing causes suspicion. Every once in a while, we take cash from the baby's piggy bank if we need it and just transfer it into his savings account later. Well, she insists she had put cash bills in there that were missing. I seem to remember them being borrowed a few weeks back, but that doesn't matter. My son must have stolen them. She found a drawer on her jewelry chest partially open, but nothing missing, so he must have been scoping out her jewelry. She's mad I let him play on the new computer because he may maliciously delete some of her stuff, but when I make a minor repair to the old computer so he can play some of the older games in his room, she's pissed because I'm "rewarding" him with the old computer. WTF?

Furthermore, I conned her into letting us buy a new PC when the old one could be fixed, all so I could sneak my son a computer in his room. For one thing, I told her the old PC could be fixed, but that I either wanted a new one or at least an upgrade. The PC is frickin' five years old for Pete's sake! I'm supposed to be an IT guy! Not to mention with her scrapbooking and the photo printer, she uses the new PC more than I do!

You know, I try to talk and get her to tell me what exactly, she expects as far as punishing him, but trying to get a deal out of her is impossible. She basically want's free reign to decide at a later date if the punishments should stop or not. She won't agree to timeframes or definative goals for punishments except vauge things like, "When his attitude improves.", and I won't give her carte blanch to make my son uncomfortable indefinately. The punishment for the earrings is already over anyway and I won't punish him again for it. She had her time for input and didn't say anything.

This animosity with my son has been going on for a long time now and I'm about fed up. I'm about ready to give her all living hell for the second time in our marriage, and damn the consequences!
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