His lack of respect for my time

[neptoon]

I got quite pissed at my bf today.

 

It seems like any plans he makes with me get shelved if his buddies suddenly call up out of the blue to ask him to play golf or ball.

 

He never used to do this but he's done it a few times lately and it's gotten me quite ticked off. It started about 3 weeks ago and his aunt was visiting from overseas. There was some back and forth with his aunt, who was also very inconsiderate about our time. First she was supposed to come over that Thursday, so we spent the day before cleaning the house, only to not receive a phone call and she ended up never showing up.

 

I run my own business and work a second part time job to save a bit of money and my leisure time is very limited. It was a long weekend for us about 3 weeks ago and we were going to have dinner at his sister's on that Monday. We hadn't spent a whole day alone together in about a month so we had made plans to do something fun that Sunday.

 

So his dad called up that Friday and said that his aunt would be over to visit on that Saturday. He wanted to play golf with his buddies on that Saturday afternoon and told her to come over on SUNDAY, without ever asking me. I was asked to work an overtime shift that Sunday and, had he said something, I wouldn't have turned down that time-and-a-half shift! So it ended up that we had to wait around on that Sunday for his aunt to come over. I was quite peeved about it but I let it slide.

 

So last weekend, his golf buddy's mother died and we had a funeral to go to on that Saturday. We went to the funeral on that Saturday, I had to work later on in the day. That Sunday, he had some paper work to do and told his golf buddy that he couldn't play golf. I cancelled plans I had with a friend because he made me feel a bit bad for wanting to go out with her and I had some work I had to do for my business anyway.

 

We had planned all week to go out yesterday (Sunday). Our weekend went like this:

Friday night - I met him near his office after work, we had 2 drinks and he said he was tired so we went home and were in bed by 11:30.

Saturday night - I had to work until 9. He played darts and came home all drunk. By the time I got home from work, he was already smashed, was watching hockey and went to bed an hour later.

Sunday - (we had made plans to go out for the day). Golf buddy whose mother died last week calls up, he puts me on the spot when he's on the phone with his buddy and goes to play golf. And, from the sounds of it, there were plans all week to go play golf on the Sunday. Meanwhile, we were making plans to do things together on Sunday. Had I known this, I would've gone ahead to go make plans with my friend. He says he'll make it up to me by taking me out to dinner. I was quite peeved and ended up going out by myself because I've worked really hard all week at two jobs and I'll be damned if I'm going to sit at home all afternoon. So I'm out and was going to go to a movie and he calls me up on my cell (from the bar) and says he still wants to take me out to dinner and to be home in an hour. I was about 45 minutes away from home. I take my time and get home in an hour and he doesn't come home until 2 hours (staggering, of course) from the time he called me! I was fuming!

 

He tried to lay the guilt trip on me, saying that his buddy's mother just died. But, more to the point, I think the issue is his lack of respect for the time with me. He works one 9-5 job, I work 2 jobs. I've never gotten mad at him for spending time with friends, I think people need their time with friends. I don't tag along all the time. Everytime I go out with my friend, he has to come along. I haven't seen my friend by myself in ages. I want a girls' night sometimes, too, but this doesn't really seem to matter to him. He makes plans with me and then leaves me hanging. We got into a fight about it (and he was all drunk).

 

Am I being unreasonable? Yes, his buddy's mother just died but you know what, he could've said during the week that he was going to play golf and I could've just went ahead and made my own plans. I've NEVER EVER guilt tripped him or fought with him for going out with his friends, even when he has to go play ball 3 nights a week during the summer and plays golf on the weekend. But, I feel he's testing his limits in seeing how much he can cross the line with me and how much he can walk all over my time. Tell me one thing but have plans to do another. To me, that's not honorable. And for him to come home an hour later than the time he told me to come home, and stagger in the door all wasted -- THAT was the cherry on the sundae! I was livid!

 

My past experiences tell me that this kind of disrespect for the other person's time only gets worse as the relationship progresses. He talks about us getting married and then pulls this kind of crap?!? WTF? I've never found a good solution to any situation like this where one person takes advantage of another's time. I've worked really hard to change my life and it really fricking disappoints me that he can't grasp how valuable my free time is to me because 90% of my waking moments are spent working. And I see myself being demotivated by it lately.

 

What to do?

[Scott S]

You're right. That IS very inconsiderate, & I'd say it's a harbinger of things to come.

 

No one can exploit you without your cooperation, & someone will continue doing so as long as you allow them.

 

You may or may not be able to change him. To be honest with you, I believe it's unlikely. But if you wish to try, perhaps a few doses of his own medicine would be in order. That is, make plans with him, then balk at the last minute because you received a better offer from your friends. Maybe a "chick-flick" that you are suddenly dying to see. Or come home late & full of margaritas (with a designated driver, of course!! ). Or whatever.

 

Good luck to you!

[slubberdegullion]

You may or may not be able to change him. To be honest with you, I believe it's unlikely.

HIGHLY unlikely. Yes, he's an inconsiderate boob, and it will get worse.

 

Move on.