Wheddo22 Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 It recently became an issue because i didnt know how she felt about it. I knew at times sex was uncomfortable to her, but didnt know how much so. It's to the point where she only will have sex to make me happy. I don't like the thought that she is doing something she doesnt enjoy just to make me happy and our sex life has no romance, lust or closeness. It's more of a business transaction, get in and out. It bothers me, beacause i feel closer to my SO when we have sex but not so much with my wife because theres no reciprocation of want or sexual desire. In our day to day life, we barely touch and im the kind of person who wants to sit on the couch or hug or kiss her and she gets annoyed by this because she feels anytime I do that, i want sex and she gets angry. She is telling me that thats just who she is and i have to decide if I can live with that. Our marriage is great in every aspect except for this. I love her and my family and the life we have made and im unsure of what to do. TIA Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 That's most unfortunate. I'm especially bothered by her comment about that's who she is and how you need to decide if you can live with it or not. That's not a healthy attitude to have with someone you're married to and supposedly in love with. Although I can appreciate that, for some women, sex or rather intercourse is challenging BUT to single handedly make the decision for the BOTH of you that sex / intimacy is no longer a priority is NOT okay. I don't care how you want to slice it, it's beyond selfish and only weakens the foundation of one's relationship, married or not. How long has this been an issue? Had you had good/great sex with her before or did it always feel like a transaction? If it changed recently, what happened to make her feel so uncomfortable? Have you talked openly about how you can make her feel more comfortable, etc? Physical intimacy is critical to a happy and healthy relationship. The act of intercourse may very well cause some physical problems for some women but there are dozens of ways to remain connected physically with your partner that doesn't have to always include penetration. The fact that she doesn't appear to even want to cuddle never mind explore other ways to be intimate is very troubling. I've been here only it was in the reverse. The sad and scary part to this is that it take both of you working at it. As long as she remains distant and disconnected, it will eventually get the better of you and your relationship. I ended my 16 years marriage because of that very issue and divorced him all the while loving him. Just could no longer be in a marriage that didn't take my needs and feelings into consideration. I think being brutally honest with her about how this makes you feel and the fear of how it will impact your relationship is where you should start. Getting her to contribute in terms of what SHE needs and wants that is also comfortable for her is also important so she doesn't think it's all about you. Counselling might be something to seriously consider as well. The bottom line is she has to meet you half way just like you need to as well. Until then, the writing is on the wall for you and your relationship I'm afraid. Good luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 You missed out the part about the sexual assault/rape and the fact she has been seeing a therapist... Old thread 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 This is exactly the same thread about exactly the same thing as before. You've had 4 pages of advice, which ones have you actually tried? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wheddo22 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Share Posted July 15, 2019 In the beginning it was spontaneous and there was passion and excitement. It wasnt until after we were married for a year or so that it started becoming an issue. We were seeing a marriage counselor, but she felt it wasnt helping and thinks seeing a sex therapist is a waste of time and money. It has been since november since we've had professional help. She says she is ok with sex, but has no interest and takes no pleasure and only would do so to make me happy. That is not what i want, sex should be mutually beneficial and enjoyable in my eyes. She says she was never a cuddly person and never will be and that i need to decide if i can accept that or not. Its sad to me because in every other aspect our marriage is great. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 In the beginning it was spontaneous and there was passion and excitement. It wasnt until after we were married for a year or so that it started becoming an issue. That's not what you said in your other thread: I told her from day one that was rape and she should see a therapist to help with it. She refused, and it has caused problems out whole relationship. She has no sexual desire, and doesn't like oral sex due to her exes comments about her vagina from years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 She says she is ok with sex, but has no interest and takes no pleasure and only would do so to make me happy. That is not what i want, sex should be mutually beneficial and enjoyable in my eyes. So you'd prefer she'd say "no" to sex completely? To accommodate your desires because she understands it's important to you and the marriage seems like a pretty loving act. Be careful what you wish for... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wheddo22 Posted July 15, 2019 Author Share Posted July 15, 2019 I agree that it definately is a loving act, i just hate the way it makes me feel. I dont want her to do something just to make me happy if she doesnt like it. She says that if she's ok with it, then i should be too. Part of me agrees with her, but its the idea of a passionless sex life and marriage that i have a hard time dealing with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 15, 2019 Share Posted July 15, 2019 (edited) I agree that it definately is a loving act, i just hate the way it makes me feel..... FWIW, I agree with you. Personally, I would see no difference at all between a relationship where I had zero sex, and a relationship where the ONLY sex we had was done "to appease me" and the other person has zero desire for it. It's okay for people to compromise and sometimes have sex where one person is more in the mood than the other, but if it's always one-sided, I wouldn't see the point in it. Edited July 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 3 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 You missed out the part about the sexual assault/rape and the fact she has been seeing a therapist...[/url] Elaine to the rescue. A tip of the hat to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted July 16, 2019 Share Posted July 16, 2019 I can see the point that the spouse doing something for their SO that they did not want to do or like can be construed as a loving act but I also see it as a big psychological turn off for the spouse accepting the gift. Sex does have significant psychological component that must be respected. Best Wishes 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 To be honest, regardless of whether your wife has been assaulted in the past or not, if I was you I would get bored of this scenario. Maybe because I was married in the past and am now divorced, but I see marriage a little differently now. If it is not mutually loving and respectful, what is the point? Your wife sounds like she is not interested in changing (or cannot change) and you are unhappy. If she will not go to therapy - and there seems little point if she just wants to be accepted as she is - then why stay together? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 I've been where you are at. It will slowly bleed your soul. Many humans need touch to feel loved. If you are one, then get out now before you are completely 'dead inside'. Honestly, if she somehow turned into "Mrs Touchy Feely" it would be fake and you'd know. I just don't see a good end here where you are both happy. Personally, I was very unhappy without a touching loving wife. I was never so lonely. Divorce is hard. Living with an emotional cinder block was harder. I now know it just wasn't worth it to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 If she does not enjoy sex, there's no point in trying to force it on her, it won't be fun for either of you. If what you want is a happy sexual relationship, you need to look elsewhere. Some women like sex and some don't. If this is not the relationship for you, stop beating your head against a brick wall, it just makes both of you miserable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 You missed out the part about the sexual assault/rape and the fact she has been seeing a therapist... Old thread And...? I was molested twice; once as very young child and again at 12. I've also been sexually assaulted in my late teens. I have a history of sexual trauma. It changed me, obviously. The experience caused me to have certain triggers that impacted how I related to boys/men for a very long time. For the most part, I managed pretty well despite those experiences but I knew, even back then, I needed professional help if I wanted to move forward stronger, happier and without the trauma affecting my relationships with men. And I did. Big time. I'm happy to say I've healed. I've very in touch with my sexuality and enjoy a very active and robust sex life. I have learned to identify my triggers early and how to self-care so they don't control my life - this is paramount with survivors of sexual abuse. The moral of the story is...we all have a story and a cross to bear. If there is a will, there is way even with sexual assault survivors. The question is; does his wife have the will? Initial assumptions say she doesn't given her attitude which I already addressed in my last post. THAT is where the problem lies, not necessarily with her trauma. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted July 25, 2019 Share Posted July 25, 2019 If she is not willing to get the help she needs then there is nothing you can do. It speaks volumes that she said you have to decide if you can live with it. She is not even willing to get help for herself or your marriage. So the ball is in your court, can you be happily married to someone that doesn’t want to be touched. It is obvious that your love language is physical touch. Can you go the rest of your life with out it. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 It speaks volumes that she said you have to decide if you can live with it. She is not even willing to get help for herself or your marriage. My wife did this... ironically, she decided to seek help when we split up. I couldn't live with it and I think the OP is doomed... stay in an unsatisfactory relationship or jump into the unknown. I chose the second option. Haven't regretted it (yet)... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 It's to the point where she only will have sex to make me happy. ...she gets annoyed by this because she feels anytime I do that, i want sex and she gets angry. She is telling me that thats just who she is and i have to decide if I can live with that. She isn't concerned about your happiness or she wouldn't speak to you this way. She's expressing her displeasure to remove any enjoyment you might be getting from the duty sex... therefore, if you have any pride you'd quit asking for that too. Instead of denying you she's just trying to make you feel like a turd. You need a new wife. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 His wife will give him sex to satisfy him but it doesn't because OP wants to be desired by his spouse. I don't blame you. I'd tell her she can keep the sex if that's the only reason she does it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 I i have to decide if I can live with that. Get the feeling your answer is "no", making your next steps pretty obvious... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted July 29, 2019 Share Posted July 29, 2019 Most of us want to be desired. Your wife is unable to give that to you. I've been there. It was miserable. Worst time of my life. While it was very hard, I am so glad I am divorced and that is behind me. I now have a woman who does desire me and am MUCH happier. You have a long road ahead but one I personally had to travel. Staying where I wasn't desired just wasn't worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted August 1, 2019 Share Posted August 1, 2019 And...? I was molested twice; once as very young child and again at 12. I've also been sexually assaulted in my late teens. I have a history of sexual trauma. It changed me, obviously. The experience caused me to have certain triggers that impacted how I related to boys/men for a very long time. For the most part, I managed pretty well despite those experiences but I knew, even back then, I needed professional help if I wanted to move forward stronger, happier and without the trauma affecting my relationships with men. And I did. Big time. I'm happy to say I've healed. I've very in touch with my sexuality and enjoy a very active and robust sex life. I have learned to identify my triggers early and how to self-care so they don't control my life - this is paramount with survivors of sexual abuse. The moral of the story is...we all have a story and a cross to bear. If there is a will, there is way even with sexual assault survivors. The question is; does his wife have the will? Initial assumptions say she doesn't given her attitude which I already addressed in my last post. THAT is where the problem lies, not necessarily with her trauma. Well written and absolutely true. I was molested as a child. I was also raped when I was a young adult. I was also in a sexually abusive relationship in which my boundaries were not respected. I still have nightmares about it. OP, it seems like your wife has no desire to improve her emotional issues around sex. That is a huge problem. Link to post Share on other sites
SunGenie Posted August 2, 2019 Share Posted August 2, 2019 Emotional cinderblock... thats my husband! Link to post Share on other sites
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