I wish I never married my husband

[Falling out of love]

I am 46 years old and I’ve been married to my second husband for 10 years. He is extremely selfish when it comes to spending time together. All he cares about is going to sporting events with his friends. He never wants to go on vacations and when we do spend time together it’s at a bookstore, Starbucks or movies. Literally that’s it. I’m starting to resent him every single day and I find myself becoming more and more distant and I barely want him to touch me. I feel so miserable. Everyday he tells me he loves me but I find it hard to tell him I love him because I don’t. I feel like life is too short to live everyday unhappy. It’s getting to the point where I don’t want to have sex with him and if I’m downstairs when he comes home from work I go upstairs as soon as I hear the key in the door. I feel guilty for feeling this way but he’s no angel in this situation. I’m so sick of him putting his friends before me and never taking me anywhere. I’m super bored with him and now I find myself crushing on one of my coworkers. It will never lead to anything because we’re both married and they guy has no idea that I have a crush on him and I prefer to keep it that way. He’s just someone to fantasize about while I’m figuring out this marriage thing. I really need some input because I feel trapped and I don’t want to hurt my husband but I also don’t want to live the remainder of my life unhappy.

[5x5]

Well the good news is there is a solution for your ailment, and that is you can divorce him.

 

Seriously if you wish you never married your husband, the best thing you could possibly do is divorce him. Lest you continue to waste his time and your time, carrying on with someone who you don't want to be with.

[schlumpy]

.... I’m super bored with him and now I find myself crushing on one of my coworkers. It will never lead to anything because we’re both married and they guy has no idea that I have a crush on him and I prefer to keep it that way. He’s just someone to fantasize about while I’m figuring out this marriage thing.

 

I was waiting for the other man to show up and you didn't disappoint me.

 

Your are headed for a train wreck. Before you jump the rails blow the whistle real loud and try to get his attention. I don't think he has a clue to how you feel. You may think you are sending obvious signals but they are getting lost. Sit him down and tell him what you want and then tell him about your crush to drive the point home.

 

If this doesn't work then maintain your dignity by divorcing him and then crush away.

 

Best Wishes to You and Your Family

Edited June 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Osho]

Years ago I was the clueless man in your story. Or at least very close to it.

Since then she has destroyed her life and it was much like a train wreck.

 

I definitely agree with the above advise. In the situation I was blind to how she felt and I was blind to how I felt. Her signals were not clear to me and I was blind to my own distance from her. I’m happy we’re not together anymore but the whole situation could have been handled completely different without zero casualties. It has shown me so many things I needed to improve personally and made me that much better for the following relationship. But she is still stuck in a horrible situation that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy even with all she has done to me...

[mark clemson]

No one can blame you for feeling how you do.

 

However, I strongly suggest that you resist the temptation to have an affair. At best they tend to turn into major emotional headaches. At worst they ruin lives.

 

Don't take my word for it - do some reading in the Infidelity and OM/OW sections of this forum to see what you might be in for.

 

It sounds like your marriage needs some work. Possibly a LOT of work, and possibly it's not salvageable. IF that's that case, I strongly suggest you do yourself a favor and consider divorcing before attempting to "move on" with someone else.

[Blanco]

I'm curious if he was always this way or has just gotten more like this as the years have rolled on. How long were you together before you married? What about him enticed you? What bonded you two?

 

You're entitled to feel like you want out of your marriage, but some more context would be helpful. Nowhere in your post do you mention communicating this distress to him. Which isn't to say you haven't, but it's entirely possible that if you haven't, he's blissfully unaware of just how bad the situation has gotten.

[d0nnivain]

Have you told him what you have posted here? If not, speak up.

 

Do not have an affair. Just get a divorce. It's cleaner & more honorable.

[FMW]

Sorry to be repetitive of other posts, but yes - tell him what you've told us. All of it. See if he's willing to start doing more things together. Nothing may change, but then you've given him the opportunity to understand exactly where you are at so that if you tell him you want to divorce he can't reasonably claim that it blindsided him.

[preraph]

Don't waste any more time in this marriage. sex is gone and he's not going to put up with that anyway because it's probably the number one reason he got married to you to begin with. Just tell him it's not working you're sorry and get a divorce. Don't jump back into marriage.

[DKT3]

I'm always interested in the timing of these things. Every woman that comes here that has another man involved in her marriage always claim bad marriage then new guy. I'm guessing that it's less then 40%, the majority or the other 60% lose interest In their husband as they gain interest in another man then justify by blaming the husband.

 

I dont know which is the case here, sadly most women don't really know, such is the mind trickery they need in order to conduct an affair.

 

Agreeing with the others, you have two options, continue to grow resentment and draw closer to the coworker (and you will) or confess your feelings and fix your marriage either by ending it or making it better.

[BaileyB]

I’m not dismissing your claim OP, perhaps your husband really is that inattentive and inconsiderate...

 

But, bookstore, coffee, movie, dinner - these are all things that we do and I love these dates. This is life. Sure, he spends time with his friends... but, if he was around home all the time you would be complaining about that too.

 

Life is about balance - for both of you. And - fancy dinners, big trips, and high excitement is for celebrities, not so much for those trying to work a job, pay a mortgage, and raise children. Are you sure your expectations are reasonable...

 

And, I too was waiting for “the other man.” You certainly did not disappoint.

 

Talk to your husband. Go for counselling. Good luck.

[Beendaredonedat]

Do you work? Do you have your own friends? Do you have hobbies that keep you occupied and help to keep your mind away from the negativity you exude?

 

Don't blame your husband for your predicament if you don't have anything going on for yourself. A new guy will not fill the void for very long either if you re relying on a partner to make you a happy and fulfilled person.

 

Now: If you do have a full life outside of your marriage, then I also have to ask if you have communicated to your husband what you have so readily shared with us? If not, why not?

[Happy Lemming]

Your thread opening... "I wish I never married my husband"

 

I have a question, why did you?? I mean this was your second marriage, so you already knew what marriage entailed, so it begs the question, why did you get re-married??

[BettyDraper]

Don't waste any more time in this marriage. sex is gone and he's not going to put up with that anyway because it's probably the number one reason he got married to you to begin with. Just tell him it's not working you're sorry and get a divorce. Don't jump back into marriage.

 

How do you know that the OP's husband only married her for sex?

[BettyDraper]

I’m not dismissing your claim OP, perhaps your husband really is that inattentive and inconsiderate...

 

But, bookstore, coffee, movie, dinner - these are all things that we do and I love these dates. This is life. Sure, he spends time with his friends... but, if he was around home all the time you would be complaining about that too.

 

Life is about balance - for both of you. And - fancy dinners, big trips, and high excitement is for celebrities, not so much for those trying to work a job, pay a mortgage, and raise children. Are you sure your expectations are reasonable...

 

And, I too was waiting for “the other man.” You certainly did not disappoint.

 

Talk to your husband. Go for counselling. Good luck.

 

Do we know that the OP and her husband have children? If so, then I could see how her expectations are unreasonable.

Children are very expensive and time consuming.

 

On the other hand, sporting events are not cheap and if the OP's husband frequently attends those with his friends, then he probably has disposable income to take his wife on nicer dates. Bookstore visits and movie dates are nice but they aren't the most romantic dates.

 

I disagree that only celebrities go out for fancy dinners and trips though.

There are couples, with and without children, who have enough disposable income to be able to do such things.

Edited June 24, 2019 by BettyDraper

[elaine567]

He is no doubt one of these guys who has carved out a nice niche for himself.

Wife at home whilst he is basically acting like a single man.

Sport, sport and more sport and "events" away with the guys... What a great life... FOR HIM.

 

He does a box ticking exercise with the little woman, books, coffee and the odd dinner, and he is then off again for some real fun with his mates...

He will be devastated when his wife cheats or she just walks out the door one day. Completely blindsided. He told her he loved her was that not enough???

 

BUT women tend to need a lot more than he is offering. She no doubt married him for companionship, friendship and someone to "do" things with.

Yes she can take up hobbies and meet friends, but she doesn't want to be stuck with a whole lot of 40 something golf widows also moaning about their men, she wants a man who she can be with...

Now she is stuck alone at home, fantasising about her ideal man... hardly a surprise is it?

[mark clemson]

How do you know that the OP's husband only married her for sex?

 

 

Apologies, Betty, but - because he's the male in the equation? Also, she said number one, not ONLY. Pretty major difference.

 

It IS an assumption, but it's not completely unreasonable IMO.

[NuevoYorko]

I'm always interested in the timing of these things. Every woman that comes here that has another man involved in her marriage always claim bad marriage then new guy. I'm guessing that it's less then 40%, the majority or the other 60% lose interest In their husband as they gain interest in another man then justify by blaming the husband.

 

I dont know which is the case here, sadly most women don't really know, such is the mind trickery they need in order to conduct an affair.

 

I think that's misguided.

 

Men or women, when feeling unsatisfied in a relationship, are vulnerable to temptation.

 

Then comes the most complicated part.

 

It's not gender specific, though.

[notbroken]

I've been the man in this equation - though we DID do alot together. I just didn't know my ex was 'done' for a few years. The signals were so mixed it was impossible to read. She would occassionally do things with me and even tell me she loves me regularly. I went through life wondering what was missing. Love was missing. She said she did but clearly did not. Words don't matter - actions matter. We just went through the motions and eventually lead separate lives. It affected me greatly and I was miserable without love in my life (didn't quite realize I didn't have it - she told me she did but lied).

 

Do you ever tell your husband you love him? If so, you are setting him up for failure. Tell him the truth.

 

We often reap what we sow. What are you doing to make your relationship better? Is it all on him? What could YOU do to help fix it? What could HE do? If so - tell him today. Letting him go blindly through life thinking things are ok is cruel - and unproductive.

 

Fix it or break it. ASAP. Both your happiness is at stake. PLEASE do your husband a favor and divorce him if you aren't both (not just him - you too) going to do the work to fix it. Wallowing in it is miserable. Stop wallowing and fix it or file for divorce quickly. Please. For both of you.

[DKT3]

If only people unhappy had affairs then I would be more likely to agree....since that is far from true it's not at all misguided.

 

Sure unhappy people are vulnerable, that isnt in debate. My point is beyond that. My point is what is actually creating it......and yes its pretty gender specific, men tend to not have a need to down grade thier wives to engage in an affair.

 

Its simply hard to tell which it is, of course its completely unrealistic to believe every woman that posts here is being honest about the state of thier marriage.

[amaysngrace]

Life is too short to stay in a loveless marriage.

[michzz]

My ex-wife was trying to convince me that she was a "good person, even if you do not think so." when she was found out as a cheater of many years.

 

My response was, "Oh? So cheating on your husband for years doesn't count into the equation?"

 

If the OP wants to hold her head high she needs to end the marriage and walk away.

[BettyDraper]

Apologies, Betty, but - because he's the male in the equation? Also, she said number one, not ONLY. Pretty major difference.

 

It IS an assumption, but it's not completely unreasonable IMO.

 

I doubt that men typically get married mainly because they to have sex.

 

Marriage is not a requirement for a good sex life.

[mark clemson]

I suppose there's truth to that as well in many cases. I have known guys who wanted a steady GF in part to have "a steady supply of sex" - they said as much themselves. But GF is not marriage and some men enjoy chasing, playing the field etc.

[elaine567]

Not every man can get sex on demand or on a regular basis. Some may need to work hard to persuade women to have sex with them, so marrying may still be for some men a way of getting sex on tap.