Wife insist I cut ties with sister and abusive BIL? (long post)

[Tryingtotry]

Ok, last time hearing the opinion and perspectives of strangers seemed to help me gain some perspective of my own so here I go again. My wife wants me to cut all ties with my little sis who is actually my cousin. She is technically my cousin, but in every other way, she is my little sister. Her mom raised us both as siblings and she has always been for all practical purposes, my little sister. If you have a little sister that's how I am when it comes to her. So for the sake of you all reading I will refer to her as little sis.

 

Little sis' husband, my brother in law and I don't get along, and that's probably an understatement. We used to get along okay until they moved away for a bit and he showed his true colors. He always came off as worshiping the ground little sis walked on which is ok but I did find something off about it and couldn't put my finger on it. A year or so after they moved away I get wind of a conversation between my aunt and my cousin saying that he threatened to shoot her.

 

At this point, I am pissed not only that this happened but that my aunt and little sis have conspired to keep me out of the situation because I might overreact wtf? He had never actually put his hands on her or anything was there reasoning I guess. This side of him never showed while he was out here. imo that's was only due to cowardice.

 

So I drive 6 hours to San Fransisco to SEE my brother and law and little sis. Before I get halfway there my cousin is trying to soften the gravity of the situation and he is already trying to play the victim. By the time I get there and get him by himself, he is crying literal tears apologizing talking about how his life has been so tough.

 

In the end, I make it clear that if he ever gets to feeling like that again, he may as well skip the formalities and call me directly. I took into account my niece and nephew(little cousins) little sis and BIL kids and felt the situation was resolved somewhat responsibly he would appear visibly fine to them.

They stayed in SF for a year before money problems and little sis simply didn't want to be out there anymore. She moved back with my aunt with the kids too and he moved back here in LA with his mom.

 

Even though there were no more major issues with them since that incident I still heard a lot about their relationship via my family source. This is how I learned how manipulative he is and the only reason he is as well behaved now is my little sis has the wrong type of family members for him to be who he really is or wants to be.

 

He was telling little sis there are too many people involved in their relationship, and I was one of those people according to him. Keep in mind I had spoken to little sis 3 or four times a year max while they were in Sanfransico. Yet, I was one of the people "too involved in their relationship". That told me he really just wished he had free reign to scare little sis to whatever end. So these little things I kept hearing led me to see him differently.

 

Now to a couple of days ago at dinner on fathers day. My brother in law was there. My wife already hates going to big events on my side of the family as she only enjoys certain people on my side of the family. This was going to be the nail in the coffin. She comes from another family and a more refined lifestyle you could say.

 

All was well until I finally got to hear for myself, my Brother in law trying to blame their relationship problems on too many people in their relationship. I admit I was in the wrong this time and I sort of blew up. I miscalculated how angry I would get.

 

I waited until we got away from the kids and it was just the men but It was bad. Eventually, little sis came out followed by my wife. My sis tried to insert herself into the escalating argument and I made it clear that she would not be spared if she got between us. Out of fear for her husband, little sis threatened to call the cops then, I don't think she would have really done so. I hinted for her to do it and I would really make it all worth my while ( I know this is all wrong now I was just realizing how far my dislike for the guy had gone). Also for my wife I can see this was not something she is used to and it may have been a lot for someone of her background.

 

Little sis has the phone in her hand and out of nowhere my wife who is no fighter, just started attacking little sis and caught her by surprise. She was pissed that little sis threatened to call the cops and believed she might try. This caught me by surprise actually and de-escalated things to some degree.

 

I ended up pulling them apart, all to have my wife slap me for it. Little sis then sucker punched me too causing my wife to try to go at her again. I took her to the car though and went and got my daughter and we left.

next day little sis called me and its water under the bridge. My wife is done with little sis though and wants me to be done too. She's adamant that I cut ties with little sis.

 

My wife says if it was her I would not let anybody bring these problems anywhere near us. I have to admit she is right. If it was the other way around I would definitely be seeing things differently. She says this is sometimes what it means to forsake all others. I have her and my daughter to worry about she says and that's true.

 

My wife has told little sis don't call her or me even if its an emergency not while she is involved with my brother in law. Maybe it makes me a hypocrite but I do change the rules for little sis. I told my wife don't ever tell little sis anything like that ever. Needless to say, she is livid and says I am such a hypocrite when it comes to little sis.

 

Am I that wrong here? No one is fair when it comes to family. I admitted my wrongdoing and will be much more sophisticated in the future in dealing with little sis and her family. But I'm not cutting her off.

 

The crazy thing is the next time I talk to little sis will probably be a kids birthday or when she needs something but that is probably what my wife is worried about. Not sure there is much more I can do. Curious as to what others would do in this situation?

[BettyDraper]

You and your wife handled the situation poorly. Nothing is ever resolved with verbal and physical violence.

 

As much as I understand that you are protective of your sister, you have no right to insert yourself in her relationship to the extent that you have. Showing concern was enough. You did not need to drive six hours to confront your BIL or attack him. Even if your BIL didn't threaten to shoot your sister, it seems like your family would have found some way to meddle.

 

Quite frankly, you and your wife owe your sister an apology.

[Tryingtotry]

You and your wife handled the situation poorly. Nothing is ever resolved with verbal and physical violence.

 

As much as I understand that you are protective of your sister, you have no right to insert yourself in her relationship to the extent that you have. Showing concern was enough. You did not need to drive six hours to confront your BIL or attack him. Even if your BIL didn't threaten to shoot your sister, it seems like your family would have found some way to meddle.

 

Quite frankly, you and your wife owe your sister an apology.

 

Thanks, not what I wanted to hear but probably needed to hear.

 

I did apologize too little sis yesterday. There may be too many bad instincts with me when it comes to little sis. My aunt agrees with my wife that little sis is not worth it.

 

I even put my wife in a tough spot too. At least where I am now there are better ways to solve these issues. It's just that I have life experience from growing up with little sis that taught me otherwise but now it's a different time and none of that will help me or my family where we are now, in a totally different place.

 

My wife is probably right. No matter what if little sis calls at any point what are the chances I am only going to listen or simply show concern. Maybe my wife is right after all.

[amaysngrace]

Your sister hit your wife. No wonder why she’s pissed.

 

You’re choosing your sister over her.

[Tryingtotry]

Your sister hit your wife. No wonder why she’s pissed.

 

You’re choosing your sister over her.

 

No, the other way around. The only person little sis hit was me. My wife caught her by surprise so little sis was losing the fight, although it might not have stayed that way. Little sis hit me because I wouldn't let her get the chance to finish the fight or fight back I should say. Actually, I'm not sure what would have happened but I wouldn't choose anybody over my wife except the little girl who looks just like her.

[amaysngrace]

Oh, my bad. I thought your sister hit your wife.

 

But in reading it again your sister was going to call the cops on you and your wife stepped in on your behalf, is that right?

 

I’m amped on cold brew right now so I’m having trouble keeping it together.

 

But if that’s right then you have to side with your wife because she has your back and your sister has her own husband’s back by calling the cops on you so you know where her loyalty lies and it’s not with you.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

My wife is probably right. No matter what if little sis calls at any point what are the chances I am only going to listen or simply show concern. Maybe my wife is right after all.

 

Reads like a bad Jerry Springer episode so I'd be out simply because that's not how I want to live my life. Some real thought needed regarding problem-solving skills by everyone involved, you included. Choosing to hash this out on a family stage probably your biggest tactical mistake, such discussions don't need an audience.

 

Even giving you credit for good intentions (you know what they say about those...), doesn't seem like any upside here. So I agree with your wife, don't see how involvement with these folks adds to your marriage or life.

 

I'm not big on drama, you might consider the same approach...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

You have wrongly inserted yourself in "little sis's" marriage. I can see why your BIL wants you to back off. You are interfering & it's unwelcome.

 

Nobody asked you to protect her. You said she & her mother your aunt have gone to great lengths to keep you in the dark about certain things. Take the hint.

 

For this to get so out of control that people were physically violent & threatening to call the cops, you really need to take a step back.

 

Continue to love & care about your little sis but do it from a distance. Let her know that you are there for her but that you will no longer offer unsolicited advice. Send her cards & holiday gifts. Be nice to her kids but just leave her be to run her life.

 

For now, put your focus on saving your own marriage & honoring your wife's wishes.

[Rockdad]

Tryingtotry here is something else you won't want to hear, there is a big fat notta you can do about your BIL as long as that's who your little sister has picked and aligned herself with. No matter what she complains about she still stays with him and there will be no good outcome in your attempts to intervene. Inevitably it will turn on you as being the interfering bad guy. That's my 20 yr experience having an absolutely no good abusive POS thieving BIL my little sister married.

[Tryingtotry]

Reads like a bad Jerry Springer episode so I'd be out simply because that's not how I want to live my life. Some real thought needed regarding problem-solving skills by everyone involved, you included. Choosing to hash this out on a family stage probably your biggest tactical mistake, such discussions don't need an audience.

 

Even giving you credit for good intentions (you know what they say about those...), doesn't seem like any upside here. So I agree with your wife, don't see how involvement with these folks adds to your marriage or life.

 

I'm not big on drama, you might consider the same approach...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

The way you wrote this makes me realize I really was the one making the wrong choices that night. This was all on me and I completely underestimated the level of animosity I would actually have at the time. Little sis was just trying to get my attention and my wife had never been in a fight in all the years I've known her, so that says a lot about me being the problem in this instance.

 

 

My wife is right and she has been right for a long time about this. I have to accept that my lifestyle now just doesn't mix with certain people, and also places.

[Tryingtotry]

You have wrongly inserted yourself in "little sis's" marriage. I can see why your BIL wants you to back off. You are interfering & it's unwelcome.

 

 

You're right. The times of her needing protection are long gone. It was me who has all this time refused to accept that she is responsible for her own life now as she is a grown up and can live with her own choices. She claims she would never have actually called the cops but my wife is right that her lifestyle and her choices alone are a threat to me and mines. The last time she did ask for my help it was almost too late and could have ruined my life but she was technically a minor then. Now there is no reason for me to risking so much for her. I just have to realize she is a grown up and quite frankly I have enough takers in my life, some necessary, and some not so much.

Edited June 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Tryingtotry]

Tryingtotry here is something else you won't want to hear, there is a big fat notta you can do about your BIL as long as that's who your little sister has picked and aligned herself with. No matter what she complains about she still stays with him and there will be no good outcome in your attempts to intervene. Inevitably it will turn on you as being the interfering bad guy. That's my 20 yr experience having an absolutely no good abusive POS thieving BIL my little sister married.

 

I'm seeing this now. The older I get the more I learn life is too short to carry other peoples unnecessary burdens and responsibility.

[Tryingtotry]

I have to thank all of you who replied because it's weird the clarity a strangers opinion can bring. I have been able to write off what my wife says because I could attribute ulterior motives to her words. Now to hear strangers echo similar sentiments I can't hide behind anything. That's something I think is a great value in having forums like this. I will have to apologize and give my wife a lot of credit here, she has been trying to look out for me when it comes to this particular blind spot of mine.

[d0nnivain]

I'm glad that you are finally seeing this picture more clearly. Go do something sweet for your wife & focus on the good things in your life.

[vla1120]

I am glad you've come to the conclusion that you've come to. I just want to throw a thought into the mix. Based on how you've said your wife had a different upbringing or family life growing up, coupled with the drama your side of the family has experienced, which lifestyle do you want your daughter to emulate as she is growing up? She'll emulate the lifestyle she's most exposed to, most likely.

[bathtub-row]

I, too, think the situation was handled badly but I actually admire you for sticking up for your sister the way you did. Too many people sit back and watch as a family member stays in an abusive relationship. But, just ask Nicole Simpson’s family how much good their coercing did. They often begged her to get out of that relationship with OJ. You know the ending.

 

I had a major falling out with a family member because she was abusing someone in my family. It pissed me off royally. Didn’t speak for a year. After that, we made peace and she got the message that we weren’t ok with her actions. She’s still way too confrontational but better than before. To me, it was important that she got the message that we weren’t ok with her actions.

 

The piece of the puzzle you’re missing is that your sister is attracted to that relationship for some reason. All you can do is be there for her when she needs a listening ear, be the sane person in her life, and she may wake up someday. You don’t want to isolate her because that’s exactly what abusers want to happen, and it will make her extremely vulnerable. Just make sure she knows that you’ll always be there for her but, let her know that if the dumb butt ex is going to be at family events, then you won’t attend. She needs to make a choice to get him out of her life as much as possible.

 

As far as your wife is concerned, it’s fine if she doesn’t want to go with you to family things but she has no right to force you to cut ties with your family.

[preraph]

You're right that your BIL is trying to isolate your sis, which is a foundation and oftentimes first step of abuse and control that then just escalates once they're isolated. You are right no one should let him isolate her. Someone should really talk to her about maybe talking to a domestic abuse hotline or read about the signs of abuse because it doesn't sound like she's very smart (don't hit me!) or at least not well informed and is just rolling with the punches.

 

As her brother, I do not blame you for intervening. I DO think it's your place as long as you try everything first (intimidation, talking, whatever) before you escalate to violence. I do think he needed to be told he can't isolate her and not try it. It's abusive! Yet it doesn't rise to the level of domestic violence unless he has also threatened to kill her and also has laid hands on her some way already, in which case, a direct threat can get police involved, though they may do nothing more than try to make him cool it. A direct threat, she could get a restraining order, but thing is sounds like she's more okay with all this than she ought to be.

 

Keep your wife and her apart, but she can't tell you what to do or not to see your sis or intervene if her man pulls something again. But to me, the most important thing here is someone needs to sit down and make your sister understand that she's in danger of being abused, that he has the signs of being an abuser (cowardice, picking on someone weaker, gives him a boner; control, probably jealousy and insecurity). If the runway is ever clear, he WILL abuse her. That part about him being a little coward when confronted cemented that in my mind. So the family needs to not be divided on this. I don't know why your parents or other relatives don't understand what's going on here, but they should all be doing what you are.

 

But again, don't go being violent if he has not been violent. And especially since he sounds like a wus who only picks on someone weaker and can be managed through fear of getting his butt whipped.

 

You should call the police despite what anyone wants you to do if things do escalate to violence. Just know she will probably not cooperate with them though because so far she is less concerned about this than you are, it seems. Still, it's good to start a record in case he gets brazen.

[Tryingtotry]

I am glad you've come to the conclusion that you've come to. I just want to throw a thought into the mix. Based on how you've said your wife had a different upbringing or family life growing up, coupled with the drama your side of the family has experienced, which lifestyle do you want your daughter to emulate as she is growing up? She'll emulate the lifestyle she's most exposed to, most likely.

 

I certainly don't want her to become too familiar with any of the negativity or emulate the wrong behavior. I do want her to see, understand, and appreciate her fortunes in life, which I think she does.

[Tryingtotry]

I'm glad that you are finally seeing this picture more clearly. Go do something sweet for your wife & focus on the good things in your life.

 

Already on it!

[Tryingtotry]

I, too, think the situation was handled badly but I actually admire you for sticking up for your sister the way you did. Too many people sit back and watch as a family member stays in an abusive relationship. But, just ask Nicole Simpson’s family how much good their coercing did. They often begged her to get out of that relationship with OJ. You know the ending.

 

I had a major falling out with a family member because she was abusing someone in my family. It pissed me off royally. Didn’t speak for a year. After that, we made peace and she got the message that we weren’t ok with her actions. She’s still way too confrontational but better than before. To me, it was important that she got the message that we weren’t ok with her actions.

 

The piece of the puzzle you’re missing is that your sister is attracted to that relationship for some reason. All you can do is be there for her when she needs a listening ear, be the sane person in her life, and she may wake up someday. You don’t want to isolate her because that’s exactly what abusers want to happen, and it will make her extremely vulnerable. Just make sure she knows that you’ll always be there for her but, let her know that if the dumb butt ex is going to be at family events, then you won’t attend. She needs to make a choice to get him out of her life as much as possible.

 

As far as your wife is concerned, it’s fine if she doesn’t want to go with you to family things but she has no right to force you to cut ties with your family.

 

I realize my BIL would love for the coast to be clear to do whatever he wants. Little sis is not in danger of physical violence though, at least while myself and a couple of other people are still living. My BIL understands that little sis is not to be touched or threatened. He knows that would bring different problems. That's why he's never threatened her again since that time. Unfortunately, he found other ways for him to retain control.

 

Now he threatens his own life to control her instead. He can't even find real work because he is afraid to be far away from her. He has to work near little sis. She feels sorry for him and is his pseudo-therapist and wife, and that's the gist of their current relationship. She feels she can do the work of a psychiatrist. I can't be involved with them at all as the level of animosity I have towards his actions and character are too high.

 

In the end, as much as I love little sis, she has the right to do what she wants. She will try to create an ideal environment for the one she loves (BIL). She would bend the world to help him if she could. She won't be bending mines anymore. I have the right to bend the world and be just as selfish for the ones I love most too.

 

You're right though, I will make sure she knows the day she wants to be there for herself and her kids first I will be there too. Until then I'm moving on.

[Tryingtotry]

You're right that your BIL is trying to isolate your sis, which is a foundation and oftentimes first step of abuse and control that then just escalates once they're isolated. You are right no one should let him isolate her. Someone should really talk to her about maybe talking to a domestic abuse hotline or read about the signs of abuse because it doesn't sound like she's very smart (don't hit me!) or at least not well informed and is just rolling with the punches.

 

As her brother, I do not blame you for intervening. I DO think it's your place as long as you try everything first (intimidation, talking, whatever) before you escalate to violence. I do think he needed to be told he can't isolate her and not try it. It's abusive! Yet it doesn't rise to the level of domestic violence unless he has also threatened to kill her and also has laid hands on her some way already, in which case, a direct threat can get police involved, though they may do nothing more than try to make him cool it. A direct threat, she could get a restraining order, but thing is sounds like she's more okay with all this than she ought to be.

 

Keep your wife and her apart, but she can't tell you what to do or not to see your sis or intervene if her man pulls something again. But to me, the most important thing here is someone needs to sit down and make your sister understand that she's in danger of being abused, that he has the signs of being an abuser (cowardice, picking on someone weaker, gives him a boner; control, probably jealousy and insecurity). If the runway is ever clear, he WILL abuse her. That part about him being a little coward when confronted cemented that in my mind. So the family needs to not be divided on this. I don't know why your parents or other relatives don't understand what's going on here, but they should all be doing what you are.

 

But again, don't go being violent if he has not been violent. And especially since he sounds like a wus who only picks on someone weaker and can be managed through fear of getting his butt whipped.

 

You should call the police despite what anyone wants you to do if things do escalate to violence. Just know she will probably not cooperate with them though because so far she is less concerned about this than you are, it seems. Still, it's good to start a record in case he gets brazen.

 

Little sis won't ever be so isolated as to be by herself. She has my aunt, a couple of cousins and a few family friends who are the ones who would tell me if something really crazy was going on. They are the ones who told me about him threatening to shoot her. Either way now I have my own to look after, little sis is going to have to be responsible for her own decisions though.

 

Hopefully, I can get her to get some help from a real therapist if she ever comes to. She already takes classes on abuse. I know it has to do with the county or some kind of scheme for her to get some benefits. I'm not sure but she is not taking it seriously. It's a means to some sort of end.

[Mr. Lucky]

She already takes classes on abuse. I know it has to do with the county or some kind of scheme for her to get some benefits. I'm not sure but she is not taking it seriously. It's a means to some sort of end.

 

I know she's your "sister", but she's starting to sound less like a victim and more like a co-conspirator...

 

Mr. Lucky

[preraph]

Someone saying they're going to kill you cannot be taken lightly. I just hope no one is minimizing that. Police and profilers say you should always take that seriously and not assume they're kidding.

[Tryingtotry]

I know she's your "sister", but she's starting to sound less like a victim and more like a co-conspirator...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

These classes are mandatory for whatever she is doing. She thinks she is going to live in a great area for almost nothing. She went from getting accepted to great colleges to this. Right or wrong I do blame my BIL for most of it because I never saw any of this before him.

[Tryingtotry]

Someone saying they're going to kill you cannot be taken lightly. I just hope no one is minimizing that. Police and profilers say you should always take that seriously and not assume they're kidding.

 

To make it worse he legally owned a couple of guns, he somehow lost them the day I left from visiting back then. He is not supposed to ever replace them just in case. Little sis was onboard with that after the fact, but it seems she is more afraid of what I would do to him than what he could do to her so who knows if she would say something. That's why I can put anything on the line for her anymore because the only person looking out for me first is my wife. Going to sit down with little sis this weekend and let her know me and my family will be moving on.