OrangeSunshine Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 My partner (49m) and I (53f) have been living together for a little over 6 mos. Both divorced, we have been together almost 4 yrs. We have a great relationship. We are supportive of one another and have really good communication. However, the one thing that bothers me about him is his messy habits. Although, he has gotten a lot better, sometimes the mess he leaves gets under my skin. We live in his house, 4brdm/2 bath. Our bedroom, one guest bedroom, a workout/game room and an office. On any given day, there are at least 3 pairs of shoes strewn about, his jacket/work clothes hung on chairs and opened mail laying about. He also leaves cabinet doors/drawers open. I am not a neat freak by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't like clutter or chaotic environments. We've talked about it over and over but I feel like I'm nagging him and I don't want to feel that way. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Any suggestions? Let it go. What you're describing isn't a "chaotic environment", it's a few things lying around. If you want to see a mess, I'll drag you to my BIL's house. Just make sure you have all your vaccinations ! At 50 years of age, he's not changing. If it bothers you, spend 5 minutes cleaning up. You'll feel better and he may get the message. In a relationship, important to pick which hill you'll die on. For me, wouldn't be this one... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 I'm just like him. If it bothers YOU, fix it. Move the shoes, close the cupboards etc but don't expect him to do it. It doesn't bother him & he doesn't even see it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 I’m dating someone very similar, I wouldn’t say that his house is dirty but it is definitely not as neat and clean as mine. If something really bothers me, I just clean it. Otherwise I try and let it go... I would say however, if this is your biggest complaint about the guy... you are doing ok. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OrangeSunshine Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 Let it go. What you're describing isn't a "chaotic environment", it's a few things lying around. If you want to see a mess, I'll drag you to my BIL's house. Just make sure you have all your vaccinations ! At 50 years of age, he's not changing. If it bothers you, spend 5 minutes cleaning up. You'll feel better and he may get the message. In a relationship, important to pick which hill you'll die on. For me, wouldn't be this one... Mr. Lucky I guess it's not chaotic, but it is very different than what I'm used to. Yeah, I don't want to die on this hill. Good choice of words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OrangeSunshine Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 I'm just like him. If it bothers YOU, fix it. Move the shoes, close the cupboards etc but don't expect him to do it. It doesn't bother him & he doesn't even see it. I fix it. Almost always, but it feels like I'm cleaning up after him. What does your partner say/do? I especially don't like clutter in the bedroom. I feel it should be peaceful. We don't have a TV in the bedroom for that reason. It's a huge room, but sometimes I trip over stuff just to get to the bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OrangeSunshine Posted May 16, 2019 Author Share Posted May 16, 2019 I’m dating someone very similar, I wouldn’t say that his house is dirty but it is definitely not as neat and clean as mine. If something really bothers me, I just clean it. Otherwise I try and let it go... I would say however, if this is your biggest complaint about the guy... you are doing ok. HAH! Yes, I know I'm doing OK. Like I mentioned earlier, that is the only issue I have with him. The times it bothers me most is when I come home tired from work and walk through the house, all the lights are on, the cabinets are open, stuff is askew in the kitchen and he and the dog are watching TV completely oblivious to the 'chaos'. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 My partner is messier then I am. He just walks on by. I have lived with men who were much neater then I am. They usually cleaned. One made me crazy because he'd hide my stuff, not on purpose but where he put it away made no sense to me. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 HAH! Yes, I know I'm doing OK. Like I mentioned earlier, that is the only issue I have with him. The times it bothers me most is when I come home tired from work and walk through the house, all the lights are on, the cabinets are open, stuff is askew in the kitchen and he and the dog are watching TV completely oblivious to the 'chaos'. I hear ya! I really do. That would bother me too. We would have a talk but then I would try to let it go. I just wouldn’t want to lose a good relationship because he left the lights on and the cabinets open. Link to post Share on other sites
Sunlight72 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Uhhh.... Just so you're aware OrangeSunshine, you are a neat freak It's fine, you're an adult and can live however you prefer. Just please try and be a tad more lenient in the judging part of who should 'improve' themselves to fit the other. Be honest about who you are, and ideally laugh about it. When we want the other person to change their behavior for us, be we do not change our expectations to give them leeway to be a bit different, that is one-sided. Just be cognizant of that is all I'm saying. If I could offer an idea that may or may not work; do you think you could tell him in a loving way with a little laughing and kissing mixed in that you two have a bit different takes on how to keep house, and you would love it if just the bedroom could be more of a sanctuary for peace, love, rest and sex? It's distracting to you when you find things dropped on the floor in the bedroom, and you like to be relaxed and warm in the bedroom for him. Don't say it if it's not true - it's just a suggestion. And for heaven's sake, if he does keep the bedroom in better order, show him how happy it makes you by sharing your, happiness, with him Best Wishes 1 Link to post Share on other sites
curlygirl40 Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 People are a package deal. You can't cherry pick the things you like about someone and keep only those. He's not changing and nagging will make things worse, because he won't change anyway but then he will feel criticized which could breed contempt, which is the beginning of the death of any relationship. I would concentrate on the things you love about him and remember that all of these things are what makes him, him. I'm sure there are things about you that he doesn't love every second of every day. If we focus on those things, it's bad for the relationship. If they bother you that much, pick them up yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 Just do what I do and clean it up if it bothers you. Maybe have a talk with him and be willing to meet half way on things, it's not all on him to change - you should be willing to change as well by letting some things go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 16, 2019 Share Posted May 16, 2019 I especially don't like clutter in the bedroom. I feel it should be peaceful. I finished off a loft area in our upstairs and built a dedicated home theater - projector, screen, recliners, Dolby Atmos surround sound (extra credit if you know what that is ), the whole set-up. I did the technical stuff, wife helped with decor. And between me (sports), my wife (movies) and my son and his friends (gaming), it get used 4-5 nights a week. In the first week or two, I was grousing to my wife about the occasional spilled popcorn kernel, leftover cup and movie not put back in precise alphabetical order. Her advice to me? "Relax", pointing out we build it so everyone would use and enjoy it, and my sweating the small stuff was going to interfere with that goal. OrangeSunshine, same advice to you. I'll bet there's ways your spouse covers for you so in diversity there can be strength. Stay big picture... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OrangeSunshine Posted May 17, 2019 Author Share Posted May 17, 2019 I hear ya! I really do. That would bother me too. We would have a talk but then I would try to let it go. I just wouldn’t want to lose a good relationship because he left the lights on and the cabinets open. I wont lose the relationship over it. It's not that serious, but I was hopping for little pointers to nudge him, gently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OrangeSunshine Posted May 17, 2019 Author Share Posted May 17, 2019 Uhhh.... Just so you're aware OrangeSunshine, you are a neat freak It's fine, you're an adult and can live however you prefer. Just please try and be a tad more lenient in the judging part of who should 'improve' themselves to fit the other. Be honest about who you are, and ideally laugh about it. When we want the other person to change their behavior for us, be we do not change our expectations to give them leeway to be a bit different, that is one-sided. Just be cognizant of that is all I'm saying. If I could offer an idea that may or may not work; do you think you could tell him in a loving way with a little laughing and kissing mixed in that you two have a bit different takes on how to keep house, and you would love it if just the bedroom could be more of a sanctuary for peace, love, rest and sex? It's distracting to you when you find things dropped on the floor in the bedroom, and you like to be relaxed and warm in the bedroom for him. Don't say it if it's not true - it's just a suggestion. And for heaven's sake, if he does keep the bedroom in better order, show him how happy it makes you by sharing your, happiness, with him Best Wishes Maybe I'm a bit of neat freak, my closet is organized by color, along with my shoes by type then color... The discussions are said with love. When he does the dishes, I hug and kiss him and tell him how sexy he is with dishpan hands. We shared A LOT of laughs and get along splendidly. I understand about the give and take of a relationship, and I've asked him if there's anything I'm doing that bothers him. After all, I moved into his space. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author OrangeSunshine Posted May 17, 2019 Author Share Posted May 17, 2019 People are a package deal. You can't cherry pick the things you like about someone and keep only those. He's not changing and nagging will make things worse, because he won't change anyway but then he will feel criticized which could breed contempt, which is the beginning of the death of any relationship. I would concentrate on the things you love about him and remember that all of these things are what makes him, him. I'm sure there are things about you that he doesn't love every second of every day. If we focus on those things, it's bad for the relationship. If they bother you that much, pick them up yourself. You say 'pick them up yourself', isn't that the same as enabling? If I followed behind him and picked up every item that he dropped, closed every cabinet/drawer how does that help both of us in the long run? Growing up my mother used to say to us, 'You make mess, you clean mess.' Link to post Share on other sites
Author OrangeSunshine Posted May 17, 2019 Author Share Posted May 17, 2019 Just do what I do and clean it up if it bothers you. Maybe have a talk with him and be willing to meet half way on things, it's not all on him to change - you should be willing to change as well by letting some things go. I understand by letting things go. However, I have let it go before and there were clothes hung on the banister for almost a month, and the fresh laundry stayed on the chaise for weeks. When I moved in, it was agreed that I would do the general cleaning and handle the money, and he would cook, do dishes and clean the kitchen. Imagine cleaning the whole house on Sunday then by Tuesday, clothes, shoes and paper start to clutter again. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted May 17, 2019 Share Posted May 17, 2019 At 50 years of age, he's not changing. Listen to this man! It's always something. This is a relatively small something. I just ended a relationship with a guy who kept the house and yard spotless but his finances were a mess. You're far better off with a little bit of mess around the house to tolerate You might try commenting effusively on how wonderful you feel anytime the bedroom is clean. Failing that, assume and accept that a quick daily cleanup will be on you. Link to post Share on other sites
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