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Son's Fiance is too old for him


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Old 15th April 2019, 8:31 AM   #16
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What do your son's friends think about this relationship? Do you know any of them well enough to reach out and try to get some insight?
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:38 AM   #17
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It definitely sounds like he is trying to fill a void left by his own mother by choosing older warm/compassionate women. It's a shame he doesn't realize that women his own age can be equally as warm and fill that void as well.
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Old 15th April 2019, 10:35 AM   #18
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I can imagine how upsetting this must be for you and your wife. The thought of grand kids just flew out the window and that must be hard also. Your son has a type and you just have to accept it. I've noticed a lot of younger men are dating women with an extreme age difference. It makes me wonder what these young men's experience has been with their mothers also. I've just noticed this lately from people I know. Your son sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders so I imagine he knows what he wants. You guys just have to accept it and love him.
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Old 15th April 2019, 10:38 AM   #19
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It definitely sounds like he is trying to fill a void left by his own mother by choosing older warm/compassionate women. It's a shame he doesn't realize that women his own age can be equally as warm and fill that void as well.

Yes. If this is his motivation, it makes sense. But you're so right. Older women don't have a monopoly on being sweet and warm. Anyway, I neglected to say my wife and I are hosting Easter this weekend and my son is coming with his fiance. It will be a good opportunity to stabilize emotions.
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Old 15th April 2019, 10:42 AM   #20
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OP, I'm roughly the same age as you and going through something similar with one of my daughters (in that she has made a life decision I am strongly opposed to). I agree with some of the posters here about loving your son no matter the choice he has made, but for me it ends there. While I don't suggest tough love approach I do suggest an "I'm sorry but I can't in good conscience support your decision" approach. With this approach you are under no obligation to do anything that would encourage nor support his decision and you aren't punishing him for it either. All we can do as parents is raise our children to the best of our abilities and hope they make the best decisions for themselves. He's an adult and free to make decisions and you don't have to support those decisions. As an adult he will have to accept that his decisions aren't going to be met with happiness and positive responses all the time. Just remember you love him, you just don't love what he's doing.
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Old 15th April 2019, 1:43 PM   #21
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I agree. Parents are within their rights to opt out of a situation that goes against their values, but the challenge lies in not alienating your child any more than is necessary. It is a difficult tightrope to walk. I do not envy you this situation one bit!
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Old 15th April 2019, 7:28 PM   #22
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Easter

I think thatís great that your son and his fiance will spend Easter with you. Will it be a big family gathering or small? You said your sonís grandparetns know, so I was wondering if they would be there. Out of curiosity, how old are they?

Iím sure its going to be awkard for both of them. Iíve had some experience dating younger guys and meeting their families. It wasnít easy. I think its harder on the older woman because she is ďsupposed to know betterĒ. Go figure.

I donít want to worry you about your son maybe smoking, but I donít think itís a coincidence that his mother smokes and you said a lot of his other girlfriends smoked too. Thereís probably some kind of connection since you said he and his mom donít have a close relationship.

Iím not saying itís the same thing, but I smoke and Iíve dated some younger guys that were curious about it. I never encouraged it, but what Iím trying to say is some young guys feel the urge to act more mature when theyíre with an older woman. It makes them feel more grown up being with an older adult. Itís probably nothing but Iím just throwing it out there. Either way, just to be safe, you might bring it up with his fiance if you get the chance to talk with her alone. I wouldnít bring it up if theyíre together because that might embarrass him.
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Old 15th April 2019, 8:57 PM   #23
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As others have said, there's something wrong here. Either a sexual attraction to much older women, or he's looking for money, or he's looking for a mommy figure. None of those things bodes well long-term. But, there's basically nothing you can do but stand back and let things happen.

On the personal side, I've been there somewhat. As a teenager, I had sex with several women who were much older. Not 40 years older, but definitely 20 years older. Part of it was about the attention, part of it was about having someone who acted like a mother because my own mom was terrible. I got out of that phase after a while. Now I see my younger sister doing the same thing, only she's in her early 20's. I understand the motivation, and I also understand the awkwardness of being a family member.
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Old 15th April 2019, 11:20 PM   #24
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hey op, i did in no way want to make you feel bad.....it wasnt my intention at all and if you do feel bad my post missed the mark completely....

you have not done anything wrong to make your son choose an older woman.....nor would i subscribe to the phase thing...i used to hold onto the thought of a phase.... my daughter was going through a phase of being attracted to women.....and being repulsed by men.....then i blamed myself thinking it was my choices in life that made her choose to be gay......i dont even know if she chose to be gay....,like she woke up one morning and said im going to be gay now....sounds ridiculous when i write that....

....its a hard road to travel and acceptance in my heart for her choice took years..........but even now when i dont accept or dont like the fact my daughter is gay.....i have always told her i will love her forever no matter what...and that is what i remind myself of...... and as a mormon who believes in the bible ...i have shed many tears....and i have judged myself and found myself ...in one word...a failure..not my daughter but me as a single mum...so i am not judging you.....far from it.who would i be to make you feel bad?....


.i was just trying to offer you the only personal peace i have found ...is to love and be loved in return .......and i wish you and your family that love and happiness with as much peace....deb
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Old 16th April 2019, 2:33 AM   #25
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OP, Iím two years younger than you and I have to say that 67 is not ELDERLY. Thatís an exaggeration on your part because youíre angry at your sonís current relationship. Iíll grant you that his relationship is strange. I was shocked to read her age. However, my mother is 66 and she is in no way elderly. Elderly would be my grandmother who is 99. Hereís hoping that you remember your elderly comment when you turn 67 and you laugh at your past selfís choice of words.

Also, I agree with the people who think it may be your son who is the scammer and not the other way around. I hope thatís not the case. Regardless, itís his life to live. You donít have to agree with his choices, but theyíre his to make.
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Old 16th April 2019, 6:20 AM   #26
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you have not done anything wrong to make your son choose an older woman.....nor would i subscribe to the phase thing...i used to hold onto the thought of a phase.... my daughter was going through a phase of being attracted to women.....and being repulsed by men.....then i blamed myself thinking it was my choices in life that made her choose to be gay......i dont even know if she chose to be gay....,like she woke up one morning and said im going to be gay now....sounds ridiculous when i write that....
....deb

This is exactly what it feels like. And it is a feeling of powerlessness. In my mind, I think it would be easier for me to accept that my son is gay, rather than to accept he has a hard wired attraction to older women. He has told this, but he didn't compare it to gay.


My thought process is compromised because he's my son. I look at him and I think, but he can have any woman he wants- why her? Of course, I've seen attractive men and women who are gay and I think the same thing. And that's when I tell myself that they can't help the way the feel and their feelings are not a choice. But that's easier, because they're not my children.


I can look at my son and see how happy he is to be with this woman and how happy she makes him and how happy she is-- but I can't process it. I can't process it because I can't see this through his eyes.


I admit that when I was younger, I was attracted older women, but it was a phase. I think all young guys feel this way. They're hormonal. They want the experience. There are so many temporary feelings at play.


I can completely accept the idea that he THINKS he is in love with her. But love is such a confusing concept.


I know this marriage is going to happen. I know it like I know the sun is going to set and rise. She is the first woman he has ever LIVED with, and in some ways that gives me solace, because he knows what to expect. He won't be surprised or shocked by the current reality.


I have a difficult time empathizing with him because I can't see myself in his shoes and being with her. Maybe this is what my problem and my wife's problem is about. But nothing is ever simple. There's more to it than that. I see trouble. I see non-acceptance from others biting at their ankles. I see a difference in sex drive because of their age-gap. The smoking bothers me from several angles. I see him being her care-taker. I see a lot of things and I don't know if my son sees it. Or maybe he does see it and he's okay with it. I've always heard the male brain doesn't mature until it's 25. I'm not saying I'd feel better about this if he was 30.


Any way, I'm still heading toward Easter and I'm doing my best to prepare myself and my wife for it. My minimum goals is to not makes this worse. My maximum goal is to be at peace with this.
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Old 16th April 2019, 6:28 AM   #27
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I think thatís great that your son and his fiance will spend Easter with you. Will it be a big family gathering or small? You said your sonís grandparetns know, so I was wondering if they would be there. Out of curiosity, how old are they?

Yes. Both sets of grandparents will be there for Easter. Their ages are between 70 to 75. As I said earlier, they know about the engagement and they're not happy about it. I've asked them to at least be cordial. I don't need outright hostility from anyone at this point.
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Old 16th April 2019, 6:50 AM   #28
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I see him being her care-taker. I see a lot of things and I don't know if my son sees it. Or maybe he does see it and he's okay with it.
Maybe this is exactly what it is. It doesn't sound like you've raised an idiot. Has he always been a caretaker and/or people pleaser?

It is indeed hard to wrap one's brain around but I think at this point your peace may be found in just accepting the fact you probably will never understand it, and just be OK with your bewilderment.
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Old 16th April 2019, 7:01 AM   #29
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This is exactly what it feels like. And it is a feeling of powerlessness. In my mind, I think it would be easier for me to accept that my son is gay, rather than to accept he has a hard wired attraction to older women. He has told this, but he didn't compare it to gay.


My thought process is compromised because he's my son. I look at him and I think, but he can have any woman he wants- why her? Of course, I've seen attractive men and women who are gay and I think the same thing. And that's when I tell myself that they can't help the way the feel and their feelings are not a choice. But that's easier, because they're not my children.


I can look at my son and see how happy he is to be with this woman and how happy she makes him and how happy she is-- but I can't process it. I can't process it because I can't see this through his eyes.


I admit that when I was younger, I was attracted older women, but it was a phase. I think all young guys feel this way. They're hormonal. They want the experience. There are so many temporary feelings at play.


I can completely accept the idea that he THINKS he is in love with her. But love is such a confusing concept.


I know this marriage is going to happen. I know it like I know the sun is going to set and rise. She is the first woman he has ever LIVED with, and in some ways that gives me solace, because he knows what to expect. He won't be surprised or shocked by the current reality.


I have a difficult time empathizing with him because I can't see myself in his shoes and being with her. Maybe this is what my problem and my wife's problem is about. But nothing is ever simple. There's more to it than that. I see trouble. I see non-acceptance from others biting at their ankles. I see a difference in sex drive because of their age-gap. The smoking bothers me from several angles. I see him being her care-taker. I see a lot of things and I don't know if my son sees it. Or maybe he does see it and he's okay with it. I've always heard the male brain doesn't mature until it's 25. I'm not saying I'd feel better about this if he was 30.


Any way, I'm still heading toward Easter and I'm doing my best to prepare myself and my wife for it. My minimum goals is to not makes this worse. My maximum goal is to be at peace with this.
op its going to be a journey and i hope theres a place on that journey you find your peace...peace is a supernal principle.....and it can only ever begin...with love......peace can never begin with contention.....or maybe really it does begin with contention and sacrifice.......theres often a brutal battle before peace is achieved and sacrifice has to be felt........sorry multiple personality here arguing with myself.....either way... love is where it ends with peace...yeah that sounds so right....

..on your journey....it may sound like rainbows and butterflies...but love heals...and it can heal your family..heading into easter break and behind the truth of the ultimate sacrifice made that gave us easter....without the shops and expensive easter eggs...love prevails ...i hope it prevails with you and yours....deb

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Old 16th April 2019, 7:17 AM   #30
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It is very easy for young people, once they find their choice of partner is not pleasing to parents, to get into battle mode. They will stick by the "undesirable" partner even when deep down they know it isn't right, as to dump them would be giving in to parental "rule".

You want to try to avoid that situation and hope it all just naturally fizzles out...
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