Son's Fiance is too old for him

[kennybenson]

My wife and I have been aware of our son’s dating preferences since he left home for college. He prefers older women. We believed it was a phase and did our best not to get bent out of shape. We have met several of his older girlfriends over the years. Most these women were 15 to 20 years his senior. They were nice. We were cordial. The relationships always ended, and when they did, he moved on to the next older woman. We tried to be patient and told ourselves it was only a matter of time until he came to his senses and began dating girls his own age.

 

Our son is 24 years old and could have any woman he wants. He’s athletic and good looking. He graduated from college and has a good job. He doesn’t smoke or use drugs and he drinks sparingly. He’s responsible with his money. So, why does he gravitate to older women when he has so many options?

 

Two months ago, out of the blue, he told us that he had gotten engaged to a woman we had never met or heard him speak of. She’s sixty-seven years old. My wife and I are both forty-eight. Sixty-seven is not “older”, it’s elderly! He told us they’ve been seeing each for eight months, but he held back from telling us until he knew their relationship was serious, because he didn’t want to upset us unnecessarily.

 

My wife and I accepted a dinner invitation at his apartment to meet his ‘fiancé’. We did not go on the attack, but we didn’t ignore the elephant in the room either. We’ve also seen them several times since the first meeting and have tried to peacefully dissolve the situation with polite reasoning. I like to think of myself as being an open-minded person, but there’s so much going on with their relationship that isn’t conducive to a good marriage and I don’t understand why they don’t see this.

 

She is not a bad or evil person. Under different circumstances, my wife and I could appreciate her as a friend or acquaintance, but not as our son’s wife. Unlike most of my son’s older girlfriends, his fiancé does not come off as the lecherous “cougar” type. She has a warm and sweet personality. She doesn’t try to dress or act younger than her age. She is more of a ‘what you see is what you get’ kind of person.

 

As a man, I can’t understand what my son sees in her from a physical attraction point of view, unless it’s an extreme case of opposites attracting. There are also health concerns at play. His fiancé is a very heavy smoker and the addiction has clearly taken its toll on her health and looks. I don’t say this to be mean, because my wife and I are both smokers. When we brought this up to our son, he accused us of being hypocritical. Not only are we concerned about her health, but we’re also concerned about his. I didn’t start smoking until after I married his mother. It’s a fact that many nonsmokers take up the habit after they marry smokers. In my case it was a blend of curiosity and misguided romantic inclinations. It started with me lighting my wife’s cigarettes for her and it moved into the bedroom. My son probably has calluses on his thumb from lighting his fiancé’s cigarettes for her. I just don’t see how anything good can come from this relationship.

 

I wrote because my wife and I feel helpless. Somewhere along the line, we apparently did something wrong to be at the point we are now. Patience and reasoning haven’t worked. Their pending marriage is a train wreck ready to happen and we are desperate to stop the train. Is there anything we can do or say that will make a difference? I feel the only option we have left is to use a tough love approach by turning our back to our son.

[Cersei]

I don't think you need to tough love him. Treat them both with respect. Just be sure to be there for him when it all goes South.

 

And yeah I don't understand why he would be into her either.

[Crazelnut]

I get it but ... MYOB.

[mightybop]

Has a life insurance policy been recently started? With him as sole beneficiary? Kidding, maybe?

[ExpatInItaly]

What do you think turning your back on your own son is really going to accomplish, OP? It is very unlikely to yield the results you want, and will probably only serve to fracture your family further.

 

I can understand your concerns about this, to be clear. You have several valid points. However, it isn't your train to stop. He is an adult and doesn't need your endorsement in his choice of partner.

 

You don't have to approve of his choices, but you can't make them for him either.

[preraph]

I think the most likely scenario is your son is taking advantage of these old people financially, so you should find out what's going on there.

[Sharon P]

I’m no expert, but it sounds like your son has something called Geronphobia or something like that. You can look it up but I think its an emotional and sexual attraction to elderly people. I don’t know if there’s a cure but I kind of doubt it. There might be some kind of therapy but I think it would be like gay aversion therapy that doesn’t work. So, I’m thinking if you got it then its something you live with. I know its not what you and your wife want for your son but it sounds like something your son wants and needs. It also sounds like all those relationships with middle aged women was his way of smoothing the road and warming up for grandma. A 43 year age difference is crazy big but you knew he liked older women.

 

I don’t think it’s a good idea for you and your wife to disown him or his fiancé. I don’t think he’s doing this because he wants to make you angry or because he wants to ruin his life. I sympathize with you and your wife but I sympathize with your son too. I’ve got to think that coming out to his parents and marrying a grandma has got to be hard even though she probably makes him happy. Like I said, I’m not an expert but he probably wouldn’t be happy with a girl his age or he would have done it by now. Or maybe he did try it and he didn’t like it and he didn’t tell you.

 

I do agree with you about the smoking and I think he needs to avoid starting like the plague. You said you already talked to him about it so you’ve probably said enough. He knows how you feel about the age difference and the smoking, so anything more is just beating a dead horse. Personally speaking, it would have disturbed me if I saw my son lighting up a granny’s cigarette and getting cozy with her while she smoked because it would lead to more disturbing thoughts, like grandma having a post-coital cigarette in bed. It’s going to happen because they’re in love, but that’s still TMI for a parent.

[Mr. Lucky]

Two months ago, out of the blue, he told us that he had gotten engaged to a woman we had never met or heard him speak of. She’s sixty-seven years old.

 

If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, probably a duck.

 

Something going on here which will eventually reveal itself. Be neutral, non-committal and patient until it does...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

All marriages come with a gamble of it not working out and one or both parties getting hurt, and this isn't really any different. I would not be happy about it either, but there isn't anything you can do about it but, as someone else said, be there to help him pick up the pieces if/when it doesn't work out, or she passes away. I would not turn my back on my child if they made this choice any more than I would if they married someone of the same gender, a different religion, etc.

 

Are they planning a big wedding? If so, is part of your resistance due to embarrassment about what family and friends will think?

 

I wonder how her family is reacting to this relationship. Do you know?

 

Final thought: Hopefully he will not take up smoking.

[Whodatdog]

Everyone has different tastes in what they want in a partner. He's apparently had this attraction before, so its not just something that happened, as youve seen it from him before. I guess all you can do is accept it and hope it turns out ok.

 

But it really is bizarre.

[BettyDraper]

I think seeing a therapist as a family might be helpful in this situation.

The therapist would be a neutral party who would help all of you understand each other's concerns and viewpoints.

 

Does your husband have a good relationship with his mother?

Sometimes people who actively seek out much older partners are looking for whatever they missed in their relationship with the opposite sex parent.

[todreaminblue]

OP, all you can do is love your son......from experience trying to force children into what you want them to be or what you want them to have...it doesnt work....so ...in that....you just love them...you cant make choices for them or you dont even have to agree or accept the choices they make in life and love....she doesnt sound dangerous.....and i have dealt with toxic partners my children have had.....suffice to say...they arent around anymore....and no i didnt have them bumped...but natural progression of what i knew would happen...happened.....they didnt love my girls.....they loved what my girls or should i say my young women would do for them....and they eventually split up........

 

the only thing i could do during their doomed to end relationships.....was love my girls.....support them through the good times and the bad times.....and thats it....offer heartfelt advice and let them make their own choices.....even if they were bad....i just loved them...that what parental love is...its not conditional on choices they make......

 

just love your son.....and let him find his feet in life ...with all the good and all the mistakes along the way...offer him guidance from your own experiences...but...dont expect him to take your advice....offer it anyway.....you never know what he will truly hear when he listens with his heart as you offer advice from your own heart with every good intention...

 

he may indeed love this older woman...and she may love him.....its not for you to say yay or nay..love is a choice we make...but loving as parents....our choice should be already made...to simply love them...forever...regardless of who they choose to love............good luck...deb

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Great advice, as alwaysk, from @todreaminblue. Beautifully said, girl!

[kennybenson]

Thanks everyone for some great advice. Some thoughts made me think and other thoughts made me want to explain more details.

 

Sharon, I think the word you’re looking for is Gerontophilia. I don’t know if that’s the case since as far as I know, his fiancé is the first real elderly woman he’s had a relationship with, but you could be right. Perhaps the middle-aged women were his way of getting his courage up for this.

 

Thank, @todreaminblue. Your post made me feel bad about the possibility of tough love and turning my back on my son. He’s a good person and a good son. He deserves to be happy and I should be happy if he’s happy, even if I don’t understand his happiness. The tough love strategy comes from my wife and that leads into some things that Betty said and asked about.

 

My wife loves our son, but Betty is right about them having a somewhat strained relationship. My wife has a very corporate and demanding personality. It suits her well for business, but maybe not so much for raising kids. Oddly enough, I’m the touchy-feely parent.

 

As far as therapy for my son is concerned, I think that’s a great idea but it’s easier said than done. This is something we suggested to him while he was still in college, but he didn’t want anything to do with it, so my wife and I tried it together without him. It was kind of like Alanon. We thought if we went to counseling, we’d learn how to steer him in the right direction. Of course, Alanon isn’t for fixing alcoholics. It’s for the family to cope with the situation instead of fixing it. Anyway, our attempt at counseling didn’t go well because we didn’t hear what we wanted to hear. My wife felt as if she was being blamed for our son’s dating preferences.

 

I tend to take my wife’s side in debates and arguments. I think there’s a tendency in therapy to blame the parent for the child’s misdeeds, but there could be some truth in that. But I don’t think I want to call it blame. My wife isn’t a touchy-feely person, but I can’t believe my son ever felt unloved by either of us. We’ve always supported him, even now we’re kicking and screaming and calling him names.

 

I don’t think my son has gerontophilia. However, Betty’s post got me to thinking about my son’s relationship with his mother and how he might be looking for something he never had. Last night I started thinking about the girlfriends that we did meet. These were the middle-aged women in their 40s and early 50s. I never thought they were similar to his mother or looked like her. Forgive me for saying this, but when we found out about the older women, I thought about Oedipus stuff and mother issues. But I didn’t really see that because the women weren’t clones of his mother. And his fiancé isn’t a clone either. All his girlfriends were very nice and warm women, some more than others. But they were all very warm and affectionate.

 

Sharon P said something in her post that hit a sore spot. She said, “I do agree with you about the smoking and I think he needs to avoid starting like the plague. You said you already talked to him about it so you’ve probably said enough. He knows how you feel about the age difference and the smoking, so anything more is just beating a dead horse. Personally speaking, it would have disturbed me if I saw my son lighting up a granny’s cigarette and getting cozy with her while she smoked because it would lead to more disturbing thoughts, like grandma having a post-coital cigarette in bed. It’s going to happen because they’re in love, but that’s still TMI for a parent.”

 

My wife could have said the same thing because it really bothers her that most our son’s girlfriends smoke. I didn’t like it either but it bothers her more than me. The thing that makes the situation with our son’s fiancé different is that she actually lives with him, which was something we didn’t know until he told us about her. My wife and I have never smoked in our son’s apartment before, but we did that night because his fiance was smoking inside. That was very odd and my wife asked about it. My son treated her question like it was no big deal, but I’m wondering about that after Betty’s post, when she said, “ Sometimes people who actively seek out much older partners are looking for whatever they missed in their relationship with the opposite sex parent.”

 

@Cautiously Optimistic asked about her family and the wedding plans.

 

We have met her family in the form of her daughter and the daughter’s husband. Her daughter was the one who created and managed her mother’s dating profile on Christian Mingle. At sixty-seven, his fiancé isn’t much for computers, so that made sense that her daughter would want to be the gate keeper. She told me that she turned away my son’s requests but that he was persistent, and she eventually agreed to talk with him on the phone. The first two dates were double dates with her and her husband. They like and trust our son and the daughter says her mother has never been happier.

 

As far as the wedding is concerned, it’s still up in the air. His fiancé doesn’t want a big wedding, but my son wants it be special. They haven’t talked to the pastor yet or set a date, but they’re considering a small ceremony at his fiancé’s church. If they do that, they’ll have to get premarital counseling, which is the biggest bright spot in all of this. Of course, I know they can still get married without her pastor’s blessing. They just won’t be able to have the ceremony in that church.

 

@C.O. asked if my wife and I are embarrassed. That would be a big yes. This is something we’ve kept to ourselves, except for our immediate family- our parents/his grandparents. They’re not happy about it and my wife and I aren’t in a hurry to tell our friends because we’re hoping the problem will go away and can be left unsaid and unspoken. I think it would be best for everyone if they broke up before the wedding, but I don’t see that happening because he seems so crazy about her. I’ve never seen like this with any of the other women I met, but of course, he never asked any of them to marry him. So, I guess that says something too.

[basil67]

Did you ever see the movie Harold and Maude?

[clia]

What do your son's friends think about this relationship? Do you know any of them well enough to reach out and try to get some insight?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It definitely sounds like he is trying to fill a void left by his own mother by choosing older warm/compassionate women. It's a shame he doesn't realize that women his own age can be equally as warm and fill that void as well.

[stillafool]

I can imagine how upsetting this must be for you and your wife. The thought of grand kids just flew out the window and that must be hard also. Your son has a type and you just have to accept it. I've noticed a lot of younger men are dating women with an extreme age difference. It makes me wonder what these young men's experience has been with their mothers also. I've just noticed this lately from people I know. Your son sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders so I imagine he knows what he wants. You guys just have to accept it and love him.

[kennybenson]

It definitely sounds like he is trying to fill a void left by his own mother by choosing older warm/compassionate women. It's a shame he doesn't realize that women his own age can be equally as warm and fill that void as well.

 

 

Yes. If this is his motivation, it makes sense. But you're so right. Older women don't have a monopoly on being sweet and warm. Anyway, I neglected to say my wife and I are hosting Easter this weekend and my son is coming with his fiance. It will be a good opportunity to stabilize emotions.

[loversquarrel]

OP, I'm roughly the same age as you and going through something similar with one of my daughters (in that she has made a life decision I am strongly opposed to). I agree with some of the posters here about loving your son no matter the choice he has made, but for me it ends there. While I don't suggest tough love approach I do suggest an "I'm sorry but I can't in good conscience support your decision" approach. With this approach you are under no obligation to do anything that would encourage nor support his decision and you aren't punishing him for it either. All we can do as parents is raise our children to the best of our abilities and hope they make the best decisions for themselves. He's an adult and free to make decisions and you don't have to support those decisions. As an adult he will have to accept that his decisions aren't going to be met with happiness and positive responses all the time. Just remember you love him, you just don't love what he's doing.

[Rotaglia]

I agree. Parents are within their rights to opt out of a situation that goes against their values, but the challenge lies in not alienating your child any more than is necessary. It is a difficult tightrope to walk. I do not envy you this situation one bit!

[Sharon P]

I think that’s great that your son and his fiance will spend Easter with you. Will it be a big family gathering or small? You said your son’s grandparetns know, so I was wondering if they would be there. Out of curiosity, how old are they?

 

I’m sure its going to be awkard for both of them. I’ve had some experience dating younger guys and meeting their families. It wasn’t easy. I think its harder on the older woman because she is “supposed to know better”. Go figure.

 

I don’t want to worry you about your son maybe smoking, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that his mother smokes and you said a lot of his other girlfriends smoked too. There’s probably some kind of connection since you said he and his mom don’t have a close relationship.

 

I’m not saying it’s the same thing, but I smoke and I’ve dated some younger guys that were curious about it. I never encouraged it, but what I’m trying to say is some young guys feel the urge to act more mature when they’re with an older woman. It makes them feel more grown up being with an older adult. It’s probably nothing but I’m just throwing it out there. Either way, just to be safe, you might bring it up with his fiance if you get the chance to talk with her alone. I wouldn’t bring it up if they’re together because that might embarrass him.

[major_merrick]

As others have said, there's something wrong here. Either a sexual attraction to much older women, or he's looking for money, or he's looking for a mommy figure. None of those things bodes well long-term. But, there's basically nothing you can do but stand back and let things happen.

 

On the personal side, I've been there somewhat. As a teenager, I had sex with several women who were much older. Not 40 years older, but definitely 20 years older. Part of it was about the attention, part of it was about having someone who acted like a mother because my own mom was terrible. I got out of that phase after a while. Now I see my younger sister doing the same thing, only she's in her early 20's. I understand the motivation, and I also understand the awkwardness of being a family member.

[todreaminblue]

hey op, i did in no way want to make you feel bad.....it wasnt my intention at all and if you do feel bad my post missed the mark completely....

 

you have not done anything wrong to make your son choose an older woman.....nor would i subscribe to the phase thing...i used to hold onto the thought of a phase.... my daughter was going through a phase of being attracted to women.....and being repulsed by men.....then i blamed myself thinking it was my choices in life that made her choose to be gay......i dont even know if she chose to be gay....,like she woke up one morning and said im going to be gay now....sounds ridiculous when i write that....

 

....its a hard road to travel and acceptance in my heart for her choice took years..........but even now when i dont accept or dont like the fact my daughter is gay.....i have always told her i will love her forever no matter what...and that is what i remind myself of...... and as a mormon who believes in the bible ...i have shed many tears....and i have judged myself and found myself ...in one word...a failure..not my daughter but me as a single mum...so i am not judging you.....far from it.who would i be to make you feel bad?....

 

 

.i was just trying to offer you the only personal peace i have found ...is to love and be loved in return .......and i wish you and your family that love and happiness with as much peace....deb

Edited April 16, 2019 by todreaminblue

[Peppa]

OP, I’m two years younger than you and I have to say that 67 is not ELDERLY. That’s an exaggeration on your part because you’re angry at your son’s current relationship. I’ll grant you that his relationship is strange. I was shocked to read her age. However, my mother is 66 and she is in no way elderly. Elderly would be my grandmother who is 99. Here’s hoping that you remember your elderly comment when you turn 67 and you laugh at your past self’s choice of words.

 

Also, I agree with the people who think it may be your son who is the scammer and not the other way around. I hope that’s not the case. Regardless, it’s his life to live. You don’t have to agree with his choices, but they’re his to make.