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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 3rd April 2019, 12:36 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by JuneL View Post
OP:
Are you super rich and /or super powerful? If yes, you might be able to find a woman who is willing to play that role of a wife for you.
I'm not so sure. Many gold diggers won;t put up with their husband's emotional needs. Sure, she may be "arm candy", but the benefits of marriage the OP was looking for with his wife ( support, a soft place to fall if he's having a bad time, friendship, being them for him when he's ill or injured, having kids, raising those kids, doing the housework, visiting with relatives, etc., etc., etc., and all those mundane and "boring" jobs?
I doubt she'll be interested...unless she pays her to do them.

Op,
In all seriousness, being married isn't a good fit for you. That's okay. It's not for everyone, but if you care for your wife at all, you will end your marriage. I normally wouldn't recommend that, but this need to explore seems to be part of your nature and likely won't change. If you cheat on your wife, you will hurt her in ways you can't imagine, and if you stay and try to be monogamous, you will likely end up very unhappy and resentful.
This could well be a case where you have to love your wife enough to let her go.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 1:26 PM   #17
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Get divorced and then find yourself a woman who is into poly relationships and doesn't mind sharing. To marry and then expect your spouse to be open to you being with other women isn't working for you.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 1:30 PM   #18
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You want to have your cake and eat it, too. Grow up. Realize that you can't have everything you want.

Either get divorced or stay in the marriage and be a man. Those are your two choices. It's simple. If you try to have both, it's not going to work and it WON"T be simple. You'll get yourself tangled up in a big mess.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 1:36 PM   #19
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When you tell your wife how you are feeling, she will have no problem making the decision for you...

Sir, what you did to your wife was terribly unfair. What would be even more unfair would be to engage in an extramarital affair without her knowledge or consent. You knew who you were before you got married. Time to give her all the information and let her make an informed decision about her future...
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Old 3rd April 2019, 1:48 PM   #20
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I learnt about myself over the years that being in a traditional monogamous relationship doesn't work for me.
I'd guess this learning curve made itself known when the OP felt compelled and/or entitled to cheat on previous partners.

Not hard to see what will happen in his marriage...

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Old 3rd April 2019, 2:51 PM   #21
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I learnt about myself over the years that being in a traditional monogamous relationship doesn't work for me.
UBT: He likes to cheat.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 10:07 PM   #22
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What a smart idea, I'm going to marry someone who has strong traditional values within a monogamous relationship even though I want to have an open marriage!! Such a grand idea!!!

Duh.
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Old 4th April 2019, 6:48 AM   #23
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Random musings.

I used to hang out at what is basically a sex club. Met a lot of fun and not so fun people there. Between keeping a rather large social circle from my teenage years onward and the folks I met there, I've seen quite a few open marriages and other forms of non-monogamy.

1...count it, 1...lasted until death did them part. They were married 30 years when she passed very unexpectedly this January. Monogamy was something she struggled with, she had an affair, they came close to divorce, and then they decided to stay married and be open. It worked for them.

They were very much the exception. Every other non-monogamous supposedly lifetime partnership I've seen has ended in flames in around or under a decade. Usually because one or both "caught feelings" for a sex partner and want to ride off into the sunset with them.

There is also the risk of STD and pregnancy, assuming you're both fertile. She could accidentally become pregnant and you could accidentally impregnate someone else. Birth control has a failure rate, people sometimes get caught up in the moment or use their bc ineffectively/incorrectly, and not everyone wants to or can bring themselves to abort a surprise pregnancy.

Oh, and discovery. I've seen a few people who were in open marriages get caught with their AP's by friends and family. This typically results in awkward conversations, at minimum.

I don't even want to go into the time sink and expense! Or the drama!

Are you sure you actually want a non-monogamous marriage or do you just think you do? The fantasy is often much more fun that the reality.
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Old 14th April 2019, 12:33 AM   #24
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You owe it to your wife to have this discussion. If if does not work out, then divorce is the option. She may surprise youl
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Old 14th April 2019, 8:53 AM   #25
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You gave it a shot and, even with love being a factor, itís not enough. Just let your wife know, endure the tears and heartache it will cause, and then go your own way. Be single, live that life. Marriage isnít for you. You thought it might be, now you know better.
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Old 14th April 2019, 9:38 AM   #26
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It's unfortunate the the OP has never returned. Who knows? Perhaps his wife would be open to some changes now, that the OP could explore with her. I've seen very traditional couples become avid swingers, for example - even a couple where one was a minister in their church.
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Old 22nd April 2019, 3:04 PM   #27
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won't work even when 'single'

Unless you do a series of one night stands, it is hard to pull that off even as 'single'. Most women won't put up with you having multiple girl friends. Again, unless you are rich or a model, you will struggle with that lifestyle. Even girlfriends expect monogamy. You are about to ruin at least 2 people's lives (yours is one of them). Bottom line, don't expect many women to be good with you having other girlfriends - even if you aren't married to them.
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Old 22nd May 2019, 4:45 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by Chris2982 View Post
I don't know what to do? We will never share the same beliefs on this. Is it another marriage doomed to ultimately fail?
From your description, the answer seems a resounding yes. If you can't live in a traditional monogamous marriage, you need to kill your feelings for your wife, divorce and live the kind of non-monogamous life you must live.

I hope you don't have kids.
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Old 22nd May 2019, 5:06 AM   #29
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Random musings.
This is why I think having just the right degree of autistic tendencies could actually be a huge blessing. Not too much to interfere with one's ability to make a living or to behave oneself in a socially acceptable manner. But enough to make one disinterested in intimate relationships. I think it may have been Freud who said that the most fortunate people are those who are able to be happy without close relationships with others. Human relationships are rife with complications. We require powerful hormonal cocktails to tolerate let alone desire such entanglements in our lives. Almost invariably, other people have agendas conflicting with ours, sometimes heavily disappointing us. In business, nobody in their right mind would enter into anything like marriage with the odds of success vs. catastrophic failure being what they are. It should be no surprise at all that in all developed countries, regardless of culture, fertility and marriage rates plummet and people strive to increase their personal space.

In our post-religious and secular times, we are impoverished in the sense that the range of sources of meaning available for us is narrower than it used to be. Religion used to play a much larger part in our collective lives than today. The entire concept of meaning has been nearly banished from public discourse. What we have left is following our base desires in pursuit of pleasure. Time will tell if our current cluster**** of a philosophy will result in our civilization gradually fizzling out and being replaced by something else.

There is no lasting happiness, fulfillment or meaning in following our wants and desires. There is only emptiness.

Last edited by AMarriedMan; 22nd May 2019 at 5:08 AM..
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Old 22nd May 2019, 5:22 AM   #30
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This is why I think having just the right degree of autistic tendencies could actually be a huge blessing. Not too much to interfere with one's ability to make a living or to behave oneself in a socially acceptable manner. But enough to make one disinterested in intimate relationships.



You do know autistics have feelings, fall in love, get married, have kids, do all the things nuerotypicals do? They're not cold and incapable of empathy. Many are interested in intimate relationships.

How do I know this? I'm autistic. I've been married for more than 21 years, have three nearly adult kids and certainly am not bereft of being able to enjoy an intimate relationship.
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