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Trouble brewing?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 27th March 2019, 6:48 AM   #1
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Trouble brewing?

My wife recently went out with her girlfriends to a local pub and on her return she comes back with this tale.

Her best friend has been married for nearly 20yrs to her first boyfriend, they have 3 kids 17,15,12 and live a comfortable life, very suburban, very ordinary.

However whilst out for a drink it became very obvious that they were at this particular pub for a very specific reason, to meet with a man who is very friendly with her friend. During the evening her friend gets drunker and admitted eventually that her and her husband are having difficulties and unfortunately my name was mentioned.

To cut it short last year I met up with her husband for a drink and he admitted to me that he texts (sexts) other women and has joined forums to interact with women and even pretends himself to be a woman to garner photos etc. from these women. This is something I cannot condone and it made me a bit mad that he should do this.

My name came up as she had somehow figured this out and he assumed that I had informed her, I hadn't. His confession to me remained private even though I didn't agree with it.

Apparently they have not had sex for months on end and he is always 'busy' when he gets home from work on his computer in his study whilst she is out doing her things, he works away from home several times a year visiting europe and china on business.

How does this affect me you ask, well my wife now wonders whether our relationship is solid enough, are we ok and should we split because we argue a lot and feel unhappy about a lot of things. She seems to think that we are no different from them because if it can happen to the most perfect couple then it must be happening to us 'the imperfect couple'.

By nature she is a jealous woman and accuses me of having affairs all of the time, I can assure you all I'm not (more about that later) and never have. I always try to find work close to home, I leave on time to get to work, leave work and come straight home, if there is extra work required I bring it home to do so she always knows where I am and I have a tracker app on my phone (we all do so we can keep an eye on the kids out and about).

Whilst I go out on the odd Friday night with a couple of mates to the local, read dead, village pub that is a 10 minute walk away for around 2-3 hours, she will go out with her girls to the local towns where there is either a music venue or night club and often leaves in the early evening and comes back in the wee hours, all done up to the nines. She doesn't do it often, maybe once a month if that, but she has even been clubbing to Manchester a few years back.

She does garner male attention, the other women have told me this, but she always rebuffs any advances, one of my mates started talking to her in fancy dress and she didn't recognise him - after a minute or two she told him to get lost and he had to take of the mask and reveal himself to her as a family friend, I'm not jealous of any male attention because I trust her completely I even tease her on occasion about this but she just gets angry.

I cannot understand her insecurities over our relationship just because her friends marriage may be in trouble, I don't do anything like her friends husband - he is very secretive and will not give her passwords to anything that is his, he lies about coming home and who he is travelling with for business and he even asks my wife to go to bed with him in front of me and his wife (something that winds me up a bit) yet I am still in trouble for being me.......

What more can I do to reassure her that I love her and am faithful and true?
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Old 27th March 2019, 6:59 AM   #2
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It's a cliché but send her some flowers. Your wife is scared. Somebody she thought had a solid marriage is now showing that her marriage is falling apart. Your wife fears if it could happen to them it will happen to you. Just be kind to her & remind her that you love her. Make romance a priority again, even little things like sending her a loving text during the day, giving her a random hug, going for a walk after dinner.
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Old 27th March 2019, 4:22 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Whatsname View Post
we argue a lot and feel unhappy about a lot of things
Trouble isn't brewing, trouble has brewed.

Rather than your wife's new concerns, why isn't the state of your marriage the focus of your post? You seem more preoccupied with her perception than your reality, not sure why that would be? Rather than vs. someone else's marriage, a more valid comparison would be against your own expectations of happiness and marital satisfaction.

I'd worry less about them and more about the two of you...

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Old 28th March 2019, 6:44 AM   #4
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Perhaps I am not clear enough, I for one am not bothered by the other couples problems, quite frankly he made his bed he can lie on it.

My problems stem from my wife's view of their relationship, she believed they were solid, so in love, committed forever and perfectly matched - she is the one holding their problems up as a mirror to ours.

We do argue, we are passionate people, our sex life is okay, usual I suppose sometimes we can't get enough of each other sometimes we are too tired to try, nothing that I am concerned about.

I suppose the real problem is her view of herself, she is over critical, everything I say she sees as a dig even if I complement her about how she looks and tell her I love her she thinks I'm being nasty. Her confidence at work is low even though she has repeat clients and requests for her and she also thinks she is a bad mother.

I am as open as I can be, I hide nothing from her yet she continuously thinks I am cheating, I am with her all the time when I'm not at work (except for the occasional visit to the pub on the odd Friday night or when tending my bees for an hour per week in the summer) I think this is too much, we need more time apart, some other outside interests each, I have my bees but she just sits in front of her phone or the TV all the time.
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Old 28th March 2019, 6:50 AM   #5
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No, you were clear.

I'm telling you, your wife thought her friends had a rock solid marriage. Now that she has learned otherwise, she is scared that your marriage may be in jeopardy. If they can fail she fears you can too. It's not based on a rational thing, that you can put your finger on just a generalized uncertainty.

If you take some steps to romance her & reassure her, it will go a long way to making her feel more secure. She may be accusing you of cheating because she does not know what happened to the romantic guy you were back when you were dating. She fears the spark went out. Show her that is not so.
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Old 28th March 2019, 9:52 AM   #6
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We do argue, we are passionate people, our sex life is okay, usual I suppose sometimes we can't get enough of each other sometimes we are too tired to try, nothing that I am concerned about.
You seem blasé about your marriage in general and convinced all the issues lie with her. d0nnivain makes some good points, she may simply be looking for some fire and more involvement from you.

Beyond her concerns about your fidelity, I wonder how your wife would characterize your role in the relationship?

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Old 28th March 2019, 11:51 AM   #7
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I may be blase about my marriage, I don't get too hung up on things that bother her.

My role in the marriage is that I do whatever has to be done but don't moan about it whilst everything she does comes with comments and accusations of no-one helping her (rather than asking for help) I will give an example:

Scenario- cooking dinner, my wife will start the dinner, commenting that she might as well get on with it as no one else is going to, whilst cooking she will pile all of the items used on the side. She will then complain loudly about no-one helping whilst setting the table, she will dish everything up scream at everyone for them to come to the table whilst bemoaning that she received no help and has to do everything herself. After dinner she will shout at everyone to clear the table whilst doing it herself and loading the dishwasher.

I on the other hand cook a dinner, clean whilst going along, set the table, put out drinks, plate up and call everyone to the table whilst leaving only the plates and cutlery being used to be washed up after eating. Once finished I will ask the children to clear down the table load the dishwasher and wipe down the surface whilst I do other bits. All without comment about whats been happening in my life or how I feel upset about having to cook yet again....

I wash clothes, clean parts of the house, do all of the ironing read with my youngest help the older two with homework and try to work a steady job (something difficult at the moment) carry out the gardening, keep the cars running do DIY general householder stuff.

I don't see a problem with our marriage, I do see a problem with her attitude towards my display of affection - I''m not overly demonstrative but when you keep going in for a cuddle and a kiss and get pushed away you soon give up trying.

I've never been overly romantic, I have always form the beginning called her 'darling' 'my love' or other pet names, rarely using her name just the sweet nothings.

She seems to want the knight in shining armour kind of love, which lets face facts, this never last for long when you get together - I genuinely cannot see myself with anyone else for the rest of my life but rather alone if this fails. Not that I think it will, we like different things but can come together often enough to be comfortable with each other.
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Old 28th March 2019, 1:21 PM   #8
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I don't see a problem with our marriage, I do see a problem with her attitude towards my display of affection - I''m not overly demonstrative but when you keep going in for a cuddle and a kiss and get pushed away you soon give up trying.

I've never been overly romantic, I have always form the beginning called her 'darling' 'my love' or other pet names, rarely using her name just the sweet nothings.
While she sounds like a complainer, the fact that you don't see a problem with your marriage while she is concerned means there is a problem. It could just be that she likes to complain.

Even though you are not the "white knight" type, you can still do a few simple things like get her flowers. Seriously, my husband is a stoic unemotional Marine veteran. He jokingly calls himself Mr. No-manse, a play on romance. Still he manages an occasional romantic gesture. Try it. It may reduce the general kvetching.
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Old 29th March 2019, 7:53 AM   #9
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While she sounds like a complainer, the fact that you don't see a problem with your marriage while she is concerned means there is a problem. It could just be that she likes to complain.
It's not that I don't see a problem, there are a few issues that need addressing but it's the constant comparison to other peoples lives that gets me.

I would love to sit down and discuss our issues, with a third person present, but she sees everything I say as an attack.

Today for example i asked about the kids easter holidays and when the bank holidays occurred (they are late this year) when she told me the dates I replied "oh really" and before I could finish my sentence she is up in arms about it and shouting at me that I don't believe her and I never do and its not fair that I don't listen or believe her.

I was only trying to say "oh really, that's late this year and shortly after we have another bank holiday" but as usual I didn't get the chance.

I have asked for couples counselling to try and get someone to explain to her that every word I utter is not an accusation of stupidity or a challenge to what she has said, nor a put down but she wont go.

She has in the past had MH issues but wont go to the doctor for any help or counselling herself and definitely refuses to take antidepressants, although she can see the difference in her friends who take them.

I'm working at home today and all I can hear is her huffing around the house because I am not paying her any attention......
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Old 29th March 2019, 8:13 AM   #10
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So go pay her some attention already.



Give and take.


Right?


Communication skills would seem to be lacking on both your parts. This is not irreparable.
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Old 29th March 2019, 10:48 AM   #11
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My role in the marriage is that I do whatever has to be done but don't moan about it whilst everything she does comes with comments and accusations of no-one helping her (rather than asking for help)
Again, you see her as 100% to blame for all the problems. In my experience, one partner is rarely the source of all the issues in a marriage, it's a joint effort.

What I asked you was how your wife would characterize your role in the relationship?

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Old 29th March 2019, 11:27 AM   #12
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Maybe suggest regular date nights so the two of you can get out and do something nice together, just the two of you. It might put her in a more relaxed and receptive mood to talk about things.
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Old 29th March 2019, 11:35 AM   #13
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Again, you see her as 100% to blame for all the problems. In my experience, one partner is rarely the source of all the issues in a marriage, it's a joint effort
I hold some of the blame, I'm too distant at times, not because I don't want to be difficult but I am thinking of something else or distracted with something.

She always wants to talk when I am working or watching TV, but when she's watching TV no one is allowed to disturb her.

I am quick to temper at times, frustrated that the kids don't listen to what I say and repeatedly break my things even though they have their own and mine is off limits, I end up out of pocket.

If we could just get past this self pity/image bit things would be a little better.

Going out together doesn't happen often, last week we went out to a quiz night, she looked like she was doing the housework whilst I made an effort and tomorrow night she's out with her girlfriends and will be all dolled up to the nines..... i might just turn up and surprise her.....
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Old 29th March 2019, 12:00 PM   #14
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Break ups, divorce, separations etc. can be contagious amongst couples.
It has a destabilising effect and causes others to reassess their own relationships.

Your wife is now questioning your marriage.
You have to take that on board, listen to her and try to save your marriage.
I guess you keeping her friend's husband's secret from her has not helped her trust in you either...
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Old 29th March 2019, 5:49 PM   #15
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If we could just get past this self pity/image bit things would be a little better.
She may see it as a natural reaction to your distance. You pull away and she grabs on, made worse by the demise of your friend's marriage.

Really the type of situation MC best equipped to deal with. And, no surprise, communication at the heart of it...

Mr. Lucky
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