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Do I Count as a "Betrayed Spouse" (BS)?


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Old 10th March 2019, 4:09 PM   #1
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Do I Count as a "Betrayed Spouse" (BS)?

For purposes of following the suggestions for a BS, do I qualify? My wife has expressed doubts about our marriage and has refused sex for a year and a half (and did not see fit to talk to me about it despite my entreaties), but we still get along fairly well, hold hands, kiss, say "I love you," etc. and after there was some talk of separation she seems to have backed off talking about that. She's experiencing a bit of a midlife identity crisis and menopause has probably affected her sex drive.

I've explained to her that she is more important to me than sex but, at the same time, I am not interested in cheating, an open marriage, sexless marriage, etc. I recognize that her sexual needs have shifted but I'm definitely willing to work with her in that area.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to avoid the appearance of trying to win her over, arguing the good point of the marriage. I'm taking the be-your-spouse's-best-friend-and-ally approach and just trying to approach things in a quietly dignified way that shows I am carrying on with my life but that I'm happy to listen to her when she wants to talk.

Do I qualify as a "betrayed spouse" (BS)?
I was certainly very hurt at first with all this but I'm trying to shift my posture toward being understanding and seeing if there are ways to make our married life more agreeable. I feel like I'm done making the case by arguing. Now I just want to be a great husband and confidant and give her the necessary space to come to her own conclusions about her life and my role in it.
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Old 10th March 2019, 5:47 PM   #2
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I guess other people may have different ideas and definitions. For me, being a 'betrayed spouse' means that your spouse has actively participated in either and/or both of
an actual intimately emotional and/or a physical-sexual relationship with someone else.

I do get that you feel that she has betrayed some of the 'wedding/marital vows', which also isn't a totally inaccurate way of looking at it. Have you Googled 'emotional needs questionnaire'
or something like that, which might give you insight into where she's coming from; and then also something similar for marital sex, etc.
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Old 10th March 2019, 7:17 PM   #3
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Well you may be if your wife is found to be cheating on you, but otherwise no.

Long marriage, mid life crisis, no sex, questioning the marriage, and she is the breadwinner may equal cheating, sorry to say.
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Old 10th March 2019, 7:22 PM   #4
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Not enough information has been provided to answer the question with any degree of accuracy.
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Old 10th March 2019, 7:25 PM   #5
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Betrayed Spouse refers to having been cheated on. Your definition would be 'having marital issues'
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Old 11th March 2019, 12:56 AM   #6
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Of course you aren't a betrayed spouse, unless their is evident of betrayal.

Especially when your wife told you, she won't have sex with you anymore going forward. While your actions prove that you have accepted that, and are choosing a celibate marriage.

At the end of the day since your wife has come to her own conclusions. about her life and your place in it. You would do well to believe her and accept the fact, that she doesn't ever want to have sex with you again.

Likewise in response, you have told your wife that sex isn't important to you, and that you have chosen to be celibate.

That being the case I encourage you to, own your choices and accept responsibility for those choices and get on with it.
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Old 11th March 2019, 1:42 AM   #7
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You may qualify... but you won’t do the work to find out what she’s doing.

Your posts point to a woman who may be cheating. Why do you refuse to find out for sure?
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Old 11th March 2019, 5:46 AM   #8
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Only if there is a 3rd party involved....male of female.
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Old 11th March 2019, 8:47 AM   #9
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Okay, I'm satisfied that I am not a Betrayed Spouse (BS).
So are "doing 180s" still appropriate?
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:10 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rotaglia View Post
Okay, I'm satisfied that I am not a Betrayed Spouse (BS).
So are "doing 180s" still appropriate?
You're the fastest PI/snooper in the world since you were able to make this distinction in less than 24 hours. My hat is off to you.

OP, your desperation is palpable and sadly, that's likely not attractive to your wife.

All you've been doing is jumping around like a trained seal, desperate to do whatever it takes to get her attention and love and you're constantly trying to 'up' your game in the hopes of changing your current situation. That just makes you appear desperate and weak to her.

I don't really think she's cheating on you, I think she's basically checked out of the marriage. Look, what you keep seeing as 'promising' signs - your continued dates, holding hands, kissing goodnight, etc. are just signs of affection. She can still be loving toward you and care about you but be emotionally and physically checked out of the marriage. But when she has zero desire for any type of intimacy and no sex at all, that's a huge glaring sign that she's checked out and has been for a while.

You said in your other thread that the subject of her wanting to separate had come up, but I'm thinking it was likely you who managed to talk her out of it. As long as she feels she has to be responsible for you emotionally and financially, she's probably going to stay out of a sense of obligation. I wouldn't want anyone to stay with me for either of those reasons and you shouldn't, either.

The "180" is a set of tools designed to help you detach yourself from someone because you need positive direction in your life and to make sense out of the chaos in your relationship. Betrayed spouses use the 180 to step away from the bedlam and start treating themselves with respect and dignity, rather than continually engaging with their cheater and subjecting themselves to the pain and madness infidelity brings. But I kinda think you're just seeing the 180 as yet another ploy to try to "win" her back or to get her attention, and that's NOT what the
180 is for.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:42 AM   #11
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From your post, there is reason to suspect betrayal.
Have you investigated and determined whether it was present?

To be clear, imho, you are not BS unless she is nailin someone else (or in a secret, deep emotional relationship), which again, seems a reasonable suspicion as presented.
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