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Husband not interested in sex


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Old 27th February 2019, 7:17 PM   #1
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Husband not interested in sex

Hi - I am new here, but I stumbled across this looking for marriage advice. I don't really feel comfortable talking to my friends about this as it is embarrassing.

My husband is completely disinterested in sex with me. When we were first married we had sex nightly, and often once at night and again in the morning. I am 33 and he is 42. For the past two years we have had sex maybe once every six to eight weeks.

We have three children now and it is often hard to keep them in their own beds, etc. So I know we will not be having sex every night. I have gained maybe 5 - 10 pounds since having three kids. Everything might not be as firm, but I am by no means overweight. My husband has probably gained 80 pounds since we were married and he is pretty tall, but still its a lot of weight. So I don't know if that is part of his problem.

Even when the kids are staying overnight with their grandparents we do not have sex. I know he is watching porn on almost a daily basis. I am getting really tired of being in this relationship and honestly its a deal breaker for me. I feel like I live with a room mate. He isn't even very helpful with the kids. I am working on my master's degree and working. He is frequently out of town for work so I do the majority of the child rearing. I am becoming extremely resentful.

I have told him over, over and again that I am not happy with the relationship. And I am not happy with the porn use. If we were having sex maybe it would seem like less of a problem, but it just seems messed up.

I am not sure what else to do?
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:25 PM   #2
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Have you ever asked him to go to marriage counselling?

What is his response when you tell him that you are unhappy? Have you told him in as many words that this may be the end of the marriage - if he doesnít change his ways..
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:28 PM   #3
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If he's masturbating daily, then he's interested in sex. The problem is that he's more interested in porn than in you.

You say he goes away for work regularly. Do you trust he's not up to no good? Do you know for sure that he is where he says he is....and that he is who he says he's with?
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:31 PM   #4
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Porn addiction and a lack of sex in the marriage usually go hand in hand.
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:35 PM   #5
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Great minds think alike!

The questions asked by basil and cautiouslyoptimistic were also the questions that I wanted to ask. Interested to hear your response.
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:36 PM   #6
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I have! I have told him multiple times and all he says is "we are not getting a divorce." Oh great, well that makes everything better. I have tried to get him into counseling just for himself. I don't think he sees it as "manly". If that makes sense.

I have told him something has to change. I am basically stuck right now. I am in masters program that I have to complete a certain number of hours of work that I am not paid for. He does provide well for us financially. But I have told him over the next year I really want to work on things or I am going to leave.

I have gotten to the point that I feel really badly about myself. I used to be a distance athlete so I have been training for a half marathon just to get out some frustration and get back to "fighting weight". I have encouraged him to go workout with me, etc. He never does.
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:40 PM   #7
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You know this has nothing to do with your weight, right? Five to ten pounds is not significant, and not unexpected for a woman after she has thee children and as she gets older...

His decreasing ointerest in sex with you is not a reflection on you or your physical attractiveness.

As for his comment that you are not getting a divorce - it only takes one person to file for divorce. When you have your finances in order, I would make an appointment with a lawyer and let him know... you donít have to file but you could certainly call his bluff. That may get his attention...
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:41 PM   #8
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Yes, in the industry he works in he travels to rural areas and cannot leave once he is out there due to the nature of his work. @basil67, you are completely right. That is also how I feel. I have told him if he is not interested in me anymore I would really like to know. I mean, he has traveled in the past for work to larger areas so who really knows.
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:46 PM   #9
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@BaileyB, I know that you are probably right. It just makes me feel like complete crap. I have also told him this about the divorce. I don't know why he seems to blow me off when I say this. I want to stay married and have an intact family unit but I also want to be happy. I feel like I am almost to the point where I don't care anymore. I can feel myself disconnecting and I know that isn't going to make anything better.
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:49 PM   #10
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In my youth, I dated a married woman about your age. She was also in a love-less, sex-less marriage. She confided in a mutual friend and that friend set us up, together. The sex was GREAT!! In addition we danced / traveled / went on various adventures and just had a blast. We both really enjoyed ourselves.

Have you thought about taking on a lover??
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:52 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Happy Lemming View Post
In my youth, I dated a married woman about your age. She was also in a love-less, sex-less marriage. She confided in a mutual friend and that friend set us up, together. The sex was GREAT!! In addition we danced / traveled / went on various adventures and just had a blast. We both really enjoyed ourselves.

Have you thought about taking on a lover??
Yeah, cause Iím sure her husband would love that.
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:54 PM   #12
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He may have gotten himself addicted to porn and have some trouble performing in the real world. It's an actual thing. Psychologists see it a lot, I've read. Sounds like it's not you. Him being overweight could be that he feels it would be hard for him to do it or feels self-conscious or something like that. But maybe he's just reached an age his sex drive has dropped, too, or a combination. Probably the less pressure you put on him, the better.
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:56 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by leigh01 View Post
I have also told him this about the divorce. I don't know why he seems to blow me off when I say this.
... because you never follow through. You ask him to go to counselling, he refuses, you leave it alone for a while until you ask again... rinse and repeat.

It is the same with divorce... you threaten to end the marriage, but he says no and you never follow-through... after a while, the words have lost their meaning.

I know that you want to keep your marriage, and I’m not saying that you should file for divorce tomorrow. It’s sad that you may have to see a lawyer to get his attention, but he is not taking you seriously right now because you are all talk and no action. In order to change the status quo, you seriously need to disrupt his comfort zone and his state of inertia.
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:58 PM   #14
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@Happy Lemming, as tempting as it might sound. I think it would hurt my family in the long run. If I had no children I would probably just go ahead and divorce but I feel like I owe it to them to keep trying, at least for now. The porn use along with the no sex it was angers me more than anything. Almost daily??? WTH. Who even has that kind of free time!
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Old 27th February 2019, 8:05 PM   #15
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@BaileyB, I think you are right and that is my fault. I probably will have to do something drastic. When we have arguments, etc now. He always apologizes and says he will do better, but nothing changes.
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